Very emotional

[ChicagoMammy]

So I'm five weeks post op today. I was rehospitalized twice since surgery, once for a blood clot and hematoma for six days and then for a suspected (was clear) pulmonary embolism. In the middle of all this my nearly two year old had a fever for nine days and two febrile seizures. I kept it together rally well. I was tired, worried about my daughter, but getting on with my recovery and doing okay.

The last week or two I just feel like crying half the time. I thought I had gotten away with no depression or crazy emotions this time. Last surgery eight years ago I remember being emotional for no reason right from the start. I had a few tough complications in the hospital that time though and truly felt traumatized. I thought this time was different.

How have others of you who've been super emotional coped and improved? Last time I remember even a few years later I would cry for no apparent reason but I knew it was the surgery/complications. I'm feeling really down now. Of course I'm thankful to be alive. I was given a 10% risk of death for this surgery and it went great. I am improving slowly and in less pain. But just as I have a great day a really tough one kicks my butt. A couple of weeks ago I thought I'd be back to my desk job by 8 weeks out, but it can't see that happening in 3 weeks. My cardiologist keeps reminding me this surgery was a lot tougher than last and to not push things. I've seen lots of people on here return to desk jobs really quickly, but I'm just beat when I try to do normal things.

I suppose I'm just looking for virtual hugs (as my mom calls them) from people who understand. I think I'll seek out a counsellor if these feelings keep up much longer. My husband says I can talk to him, but I've nothing to share from a poor me perspective except boo hoo hoo.

Thanks for listening!

 

[ski girl]

I had the same thing, I even bawled about leaving the hospital! I dealt with it by reminding myself that it wasn't really me, it was my brain trying to sort things out. Think about this - parts of your brain are very well aware of what's happening in surgery, and will be quite confused that you've gone from being 'dead' to suddenly alive again! That has to be a bit of a freak out and takes us all time to sort out.

Ultimately, all of our brains do sort it out, but at different speeds and in different ways. Give yourself both the time and the permission to be emotional, it's totally normal and it will improve.

 

[AZ Don]

HUG.

I always focus more on where I'm going than where I am. As long as you're getting better (not necessarily every single day but overall) that's what matters most. You'll get there, it just takes time.

 

[pellicle]

Hi

Another virtual hug from this end

I had the same thing,...
...
Ultimately, all of our brains do sort it out, but at different speeds and in different ways. Give yourself both the time and the permission to be emotional, it's totally normal and it will improve.

I agree with Ski girl and even being a "blokes don't cry"sort of bloke will fess up to some crying moments in private being comforted by my wife in the months after surgery.

It would be nice if someone had pre-warned me about this back then...

 

[big_L]

I can tell you that I cried every evening when my wife left my room for the hotel, then did it again when she showed up the next morning. Every day! I don't know where that came from as I'd usually die before I'd cry in front of anyone. It's such an emotional time, this too shall pass.

 

[MrsBray]

7 weeks out and I"m prone to sniffles. Also, my hormones were knocked for a loop, and my cycle is ALL kinds of messed up. That might be a factor as well. It's ok! <hug>

 

[epstns]

Ingrid, Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm 3 years out, and still have occasional bouts of wild emotional behavior. I've learned to accept it, as long as it doesn't disrupt daily life.

I think Don hit on a good point - try to assess where your recovery is going, not where you are today. Maybe even keep a chart by day, assigning each day a "goodness" number. Use a fairly big range -- say, 1 to 100. After you have rated 5 or 10 days, chart the result, look for trends. It will be the long-term trend that you should react to. If the trend is upward, no worry, you're improving. If it is not upward, try to assess why and look for help with that item. I haven't used this tool for heart surgery recovery, but I have used it in other context.

 

[Duffey]

HUGs!

As MrsBray says, your hormones also play a part in your recovery, a problem the guys don't have to deal with. I remember being pretty unhappy 3 months out, so I was probably a basket case at 5 weeks.

 

[tom in MO]

Guys have hormones too and they change. That's why there's all those low T commercials, middle aged men who need naps and bald men.

I am not a crier but for months after surgery I would get teary eyed over all sorts of sentimental stuff...that I used to refer to as crap. Now two years out, I still get feelings I never used to have. My hormone levels are normal...

After surgery, Netflix even suggested a new movie category, never seen before or since "Movies with strong femal leads." I watched Ken Burns' Civil War sequence during rehab and that made me teary eyed. Even articles in the New Yorker magazine can still bring up feelings of empathy, sadness and the wish to cry.


Personnally I think you "die" during open heart surgery since your body's subconcious no longer controls your heart or lungs, and this is traumatic in a way not understood by medicine. It affects all, but some more than others.

You have a right to feel battered and beaten because you have been. However, take comfort in your life, which would not be yours if not for the fight you've undertaken. Even if you lose a little fight, you are overall winning the battle. This site is filled with great stories of easy recoveries and that's because those who did not have a good recovery probably cannot tell their tale.

Put yourself in a chair, in the sun, with a good book and some music...enjoy the primal feeling of spring warmth.

 

[Rebecca]

Sending you a virtual hugs.

Life is not about waiting
for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to
dance in the rain.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/dance-in-the-rain/

Good to be Alive...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-4qZ0Vx36g

 

[maisiejane]

Big Hug Ingrid
Deb x

 

[ChicagoMammy]

Thanks all so much for the perspective and hugs! It's a tough old slog but I do know I'll get there. My mom suggested picking three things that made me happy each day. I like your idea of charting too Steve.

 

[maisiejane]

I work in mental health recovery and have found that individuals get great results with The Wellness Recovery Action Plan or WRAP by Mary Ellen Copeland. I don't know how to attach a link for you but if you Google it it will give you all the information, it enables you to take back the control of your situation.
Deb x