Unsupportive Spouse

[sylviayasgur]

hi candi,
i'm sorry you are going through this along with your upcoming surgery.
you've gotten such great advice here from others, i don't really have anything much to add.

the only thing this situation reminds me of is when my nephew was very young (he's 19 now) and we'd all go on vacation. we'd arrive in family shifts and leave that way too, each immediate family arriving and leaving days apart.
while on vacation, we'd all bond and have a great time, but when it came time to leave, my nephew would get upset, angry and pick fights with all.
we learned that this was his way of dealing with goodbyes. he hated them and had tremendous difficulty with them. the easiest thing for him to do was to get mad at us (and us upset with him) and then it would be easier to leave.

i agree in that you both or individually could use some counseling.
i bet he is just petrified by your condition. fear is a powerful feeling and can be very debilitating.

please let us know how things work out.
try not to give up. sounds like you have a good investment there and times like these test it.
all the best,
sylvia

 

[Mike C]

I would avoid making any major decisions during this time as ohs can be a very difficult and emotional time. Your first task is recovering.

 

[denobobeno]

hang in there

hang in there

Candi,
Hello, it's is sad to hear your story. Don't give up! My husband is supportive in that he loves me no matter what...But! My husband doesn't do the pity thing well. He grew up with a very sick younger sibling who he had to take care of and share a room with..so, the last thing I wanted to ever be was needy. But, it is what it is.
I don't know how long you've been married, but, you know your husband. I just beg you to not give up and call it quits. He hasn't mentioned divorce...right? Then, don't bring it up. He may be trying to see how much you love him, even if it is unconsciously. A friend of mine had terminal cancer and her son was being so mean to her..then she realized he was just trying to create a boundary between them so he wouldn't be hurt when she died. Thank goodness with lots of prayer on her behalf he realized what he was doing and came to grips of his extremely deep fear of loss and abandonment and became his mom's greatest support.
I know you'll be fine...but, your husband may have some issues with losing you. I know my husband loves me so much, but, the night before surgery he was snapping at me and losing his temper for no reason.. my feelings were so hurt! I was trying to hold everything together..and not show how nervous I was and trying to keep everything light. We were going out to dinner with three other couples who came in for my surgery and I called it the 'celebrate cleavage night' and told my girlfriends that they all had to wear a 'cleavage' shirt to celebrate my last night to have a scar free chest. I was trying to keep it all light! I didn't want to get stressed or stress out my husband and family.
My husband was in the worst mood before dinner...he got lost driving and took it completely out on me!! men are weird sometimes at how they show their fear. They don't even know it but, I think it comes out in anger alot of times and guess who suffers!
I ended up having a stroke after my OHS, (two weeks after) make sure your surgeon checks your INR once you get out of the hospital several times, and I can't tell you how wonderful my husband was!! I have always taken care of him..he seriously doesn't know how to start the washing machine..but, he completely took over. I couldn't walk for a while at all..he carried me to the bathroom and brought me all my medicines and meals..I could go on and on. I felt so guilty because I couldn't take care of anything. But, he did it all.

Candi, please take the word divorce out of the options picture. Just pray, pray, pray and I'll bet he comes around. Just remember he probably needs you more than you need him right now. He just doesn't know how to show it I'll bet. Try to focus on his feelings and try to show him how much you love him. It's worth a try!! Not talking doesn't seem to be breaking down any walls..You will have the best marriage if you work through this. and what a great example of love for your son. When my husband and I have a fight I'll pray for God to show me 'the other side' ..because I usually feel like I'm right! Unfortunately God can always show me my husbands side too. I just hate that sometimes...lol..I want to be right. But, in ALL situations there are always two sides.
I just know you'll get through this. And he'll be right there with you I'll bet!
Hang in there!
xxooDeana

 

[Georgia]

Candi, I'm sorry you're going through this now, when you need to be marshalling your strength and energy to getting thru surgery and recovery.

I want to chime in with Mike C - this is no time to make major decisions. He isn't himself, and you're not yourself. Altho my husband has always been a rock thru everything, I had a teenager who was absolutely horrid when I had cancer many years ago. I know that she was acting out due to my illness and her fear, but frankly, it didn't make her behavior any easier to tolerate. You're in the same position with your husband: you need to get thru this stressful time, then evaluate your circumstances. Reactions to a catastrophe don't define a marriage; sometimes we just can't do any better than we're doing.

I hope you have someone you can talk to and vent about this (of course, we're always here). How about a minister or priest? If he's unable to discuss it (and a lot of men CAN'T discuss these things), you need to have an objective ear.

My prayers are with you - this is an awful time for you and your family. Just know that in many ways we've been thru the same things and came out OK on the other side. Hang in there, girl.