Unsupportive Spouse

[Candi]

Is anyone else?s spouse unsupportive?

?In sickness & in health?, I don?t believe is a part of the vows my husband is honoring.
He?s not supportive whatsoever. We haven?t spoken to eachother in almost 3weeks.

I?ll spare you all the countless stories I can tell of how he is being selfish, uncaring and unsupportive? and leave it at that.
It all comes down to he is acting this way (for whatever reason), because of my health (has acted this way each time we got 'serious' news from my docs .. etc.. anytime I am really sick, but MUCH worse this time), & now again with my surgery being 20 days away. ..but I don't understand why.

I am a pretty rational person in serious situations and have come to the conclusion that I am not being overly dramatic ..or out of sorts due to stress.
With that said, I?m very sad over this and am considering leaving him after I recover from the surgery.

1 month ago we had a normal & pretty loving and healthy marriage! & it just stopped!... Everything.
I am mimicking his behavior and so ?we don?t speak to each other unless it?s about our son. We do NOT speak. We?ve taken on different bed times. We?ve stopped saying ?I love you?. We leave for work without saying goodbye. (
(Don?t get the wrong idea, I tried once to talk to him about this 2 weeks ago?and nothing. -he started a huge fight with me & later apologized, and then carried on being an 'A' from then on. The only thing I told him 2 weeks ago was that if he wanted a divorce that the right thing to do would be to tell me. & I told him to come to me when he sorted out all of his issues and that I can only take so much before I'm numb.)

I know that I cannot change him, and if I stay with him, he won?t change. I?ve asked him to join me in seeing a marriage counselor 1yr ago when he acted this way when we found out I went from Moderate to Severe and needed surgery in the near future. (same behavior then too)? but it never happened.

He?s a good 39yr old man (mature enough), and there?s just no excuse for him not sympathizing/caring and being supportive when I?m so scared and need him the most right now.

I feel like I should be taking this situation to Dr. Phil!
?Does anyone have any advise other than leaving?

 

[Ross]

Candi it's time for a marriage counselor to entire the picture. To me, it's not just your illness that is provoking his response like this, there is more going on then meets the eye.

 

[Candi]

That is what I was trying to get across in my post.
It IS to do with my health. He is otherwise a loving and good person ... until it is facing something with my health.
I am only asking the board if anyone else is in, or has had a simular situation of an unsupportive spouse & any advice on dealing with it personally.

 

[Christina L]

Candi -

Candi -

Although YOU only know your situation, from my vantage point, I think your husband sounds ilke he is scared silly over your upcoming operation and is trying to distance himself emotionally from you in the fear of losing you. A lot of times men (husbands) don't deal with seeing their wives hurting physically. They want to fix things and when they can't, they shut down.

I agree with Ross - please try to get some counseling and KNOW that your husband loves you dearly and will be with you every step of the way through your upcoming heart surgery - he is just very scared. I suppose he needs some TLC right now also.

Please try to be calm and have a peace about your husband's love for you no matter how he is coming across. You don't want to have this sort of emotional turmoil going on at the time of your surgery.

Best wishes -

Christina L

 

[pipersmith]

I was going to say EXACTLY what Christina said. I would imagine that he is scared bone deep, and has no idea how to deal with it. Many times fear can be expressed as anger.

I know that it is near impossible to get someone to go to a counselor if they truly do not want to go - although that would be a good idea. Maybe if you started going on your own - he would join later.

I think that you can only control how you act/ react. No matter how you try, you will not be able to control his behavior or feelings. I know that it is hard to feel isolated; although unfair for you, you may have to rely on others for emotional support right now - your mom, your kiddo, US (just kidding).
We are here - and I understand how you feel!

 

[Susan BAV]

painful and difficult time for both of you

painful and difficult time for both of you

Someone may have a great suggestion; I don't know that I do. That said, however, do you think it could be fear of the future and/or the unknown that is so disturbing to your husband? Do you think he would get on the VR.COM site to post and/or ask questions and/or try to ask other husbands how they got through it? This surgery will (hopefully) not be the end of your world, or his, and you will hopefully recover well and you may feel better than you have felt in years.

Also, I think some [men] are afraid of imperfection in their wive's appearance, etc. Could he be disturbed about a couple of scars? Happily mock turtlenecks look good on me (and maybe every woman) and I wear a lot of them, thus hiding what I have found is a distraction to some because it can be a shock to see such a mar on a healthy-looking person. Usually there are positive ways to look at less-than-perfect situations, silver linings around the clouds. My dad told me, after my first heart surgery as a teenager, to be brave because my scar was a "war wound," and I had survived.

Although my husband was very supportive overall and especially when it counted, there were some brief periods where he seemed aloof with me, as though he thought I wasn't as sick (before the valve replacement) as I was describing to him. I'm not really sure what it was but my illness did take its toll on him emotionally, I think, although he's better now. I think it is probably always difficult to some degree to see someone you love ill and the difficulty can be expressed in many ways.

Another thing, I was recently around [someone] who seemed to me to be a bit obsessive in their nearly endless conversation about their own valve situation and they had even expressed a bit of concern about their spouse's tiredness of the subject. But this is a big deal and you need to talk about it and deal with it but it won't always be the biggest thing monopolizing your life. Like any obstacle, it will be overcome and you can putter on down the road of life. It's a speedbump, albeit a big one.

I didn't take psychology in college (and I didn't finish college) so these are just some things that I have seen and I hope you will both reconnect.

 

[pipersmith]

If he is like my hubby - this is a stretch - but, do you think he would benefit from reading and talking here?
Just a thought...

 

[Ross]

Candi I didn't mean to sound insensitive. As a guy, (at least maybe I am?) I've seen other males do all sorts of weird things when they are troubled by something that involves some heavy duty medical things with their spouse. Some are way over supportive and others turn tail and run. See if you can get him to come in here and talk with us. Maybe if he finds the truth out, he won't be so stressed and chill out.

 

[aussigal]

My hubby also went thru a change in attitude and behaviour during the few weeks before I had surgery. Hubby is one of those big macho guys who can fix anything and has to be in charge and in control. This threw him because there was nothing he could do to stop me needing major heart surgery.

Turns out he was very very scared of losing me and that I would come back with a different personality or something weird. As it happened he did nearly lose me and it took about 5 days before the Doctors were able to say I had made it through safely. I had one seriously worried hubby during that time.

It wasnt an easy time for us and I certainly didnt need that stress while waiting. I just wanted him to comfort me and he didnt know how at the time.
This was a totally new situation and he did not know how to handle it at all .

Hopefully for you guys all of these worries will work themselves out over the next few weeks and he will be there anxiously waiting for you when you get out of surgery.

You are not alone...

 

[greg]

Candi,
I sure wish I had a better answer to your hurt but I can tell you this;
It is and was easier for me to deal with my heart problems than it has been for me to deal with my wife's MS. I try being supportive but not knowing what she is going thru makes it difficult for me to understand. I do try to read all the info and talk and listen to the Dr.s but it is very hard emotionally for me to understand.
If you could get professional help, that would be great.
I've learned that men are not the stronger sex. Maybe your husband will come to that realization sometime as well.

Hoping all is well with family and health. Prayers your way.

 

[PJmomrunner]

Candi -
Christine is right on target (and has a very kind delievery). He cares about you and he's scared. You, of course, have every right to be scared, but, assuming he has enough investment in you and your little family as a whole, so does he.

You make some pretty incongruous statements that indicate to me that you should get to a counselor with or without your husband. You could definitely benefit from a a thoughtful, unbiased listener who can both empathize and provide a reality check.

A month ago your marriage was fine, two weeks ago you told him to say so if he wanted a divorce and you wonder why he hasn't made a change for the better? If I were him I'd wonder if you were trying to distance yourself from me, which would mean you were planning on leaving--one way or another. It is highly unlikely he has stopped loving you because you are sick. He would probably be greatly reassured to have some aspect of his world not turned upside down by your impending surgery. Not denying him the love you vowed would be a good start. It's quite possible he has no clue how to help you, so chooses to not harm what he can't help by just backing off. If you stick to the "good byes" and "I love yous" and the other basic pleasantries and honestly share your feelings without suggesting/threateninging divorce you will absolutely get a better response from him.

Suggesting divorce is not likely to inspire a more caring or supportive demeanor--building a wall between the two of you to make it less painful when you have the surgery/leave is, IMO, a predictable response. Whenever I find myself emotionally "worked up" about an issue I try to focus on what I want to accomplish and tailor my actions accordingly. Writing a letter (that NEVER gets sent) is an excellent tool to help define what you want/need. If you really want a divorce, you are probably on the right track, but if you don't you can't play tit for tat and stop trying. You may have to spell out for him what you want--and that's okay. Where is it written that he has to know what you need from him without being told? Work on your immediate needs--"I've been reading a lot about the surgery I'm going to have and I'm scared--can you just hold me for a little while?" instead of asking for major attitude shifts. If you get what you need that's what's important. But be willing to give too.

He may need to protect you by not being the one to bring it up. He may need to keep his mouth shut for fear of voicing grave concern and scaring you more than you already are. Has he gone to a doctor's appointment with you? That would be a good time for him to get some questions answered and a good time for you to find out what's on his mind. Plus he'll remember things you don't and you'll feel more like you're in it together.

Looking back over this post it looks like I'm telling you what to do and, well, I guess I am. I just can't see tossing away a marriage when you need your partner most, or for anything short of cruelty or abuse after such a short problemed period. Seems a lot like cutting off one's nose to spite one's face.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Marguerite53]

Candi. I agree with what PJ just said. I think it would benefit you greatly to see a counselor. He/she will give you instructions on how to effectively communicate with your husband. I agree that your actions have not been constructive. Completely understandable, but still, not constructive.

It does sound like he is terrified, and therefore, kind of immobilized. Dumbfounded, can't find it in himself to know what to do. He may be thinking the worst and is building some armor around his heart so that he will not grieve so deeply should the worst occur. You have us!!! You know that you are more than likely going to be fine! Who does he have?

I don't think your husband's actions are good, please don't get me wrong. But we can sympathize here, but hardly give you the quality advice you need right now. A counselor could also really help you with any of your own personal questions. They are impartial, they don't judge, they just give concrete analysis of what they hear is going on. They can be enormously helpful, and sometimes, very quickly!

Please consider doing this for yourself, instead of feeling worse and worse each day.

Good luck. We really hope things work out for you.

Marguerite

 

[geebee]

Candi,

I have always held the belief that it is far harder to be the family of an OHS patient than to be the patient.

I am sure you realize how tough things are for your family right now. You are facing major surgery and your husband is facing the possibility of you dying. Doesn't matter that the chances of death with valve surgery these days is very minimal - he still thinks of what will happen if the worst happens. It is foremost in everyone's mind when facing OHS (be you the patient or the family).

In addition, you are feeling trapped because you do not feel his support. Your reaction to that trapped feeling is to offer him one more way of losing you by mentioning divorce. I am the type of person who wants to run away when I have conflicts with my SO so I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it seems easier to consider walking away than staying and fighting.

It sounds like you have a lot to fight for. Don't short change yourself or your husband at a time when family is so very important.

The best thing to do is to let him know that you know he is scared. Keep in mind that he is going through this also. Emphasize that he needs to let you talk and you are there to listen to him. If you cannot reach him by talking, write him a letter. Definitely suggest counseling as a way to help right now. Some things are just too big to handle without help - that is why you are on this forum right now.

Sometimes just turning over before going to sleep and hugging will close the biggest gap.

Don't give up.

 

[sue943]

I'll join the 'he is terrified' club, he is just so scared that he could lose you. In my opinion it is probably far worse for the family members than for the patient. I am sure my OHS was far worse for my daughter than for me, at the end of the day I would know nothing about it if I didn't survive but she would have just lost her mother. This might seem the wrong way about but your husband needs your support right now too.

Edited to say snap to Gina, we must have posted at about the same time.

 

[Nancy]

Couldn't you say something like this to him--"Honey, you seem so very angry at me lately, and I think it is because I am ill. It is not something I can help, I don't like to be ill. My condition is something that won't go away, but it does have a good fix, and that is the surgery I will be facing. I am trying to muster all my strength and backbone to try to get through this physically and emotionally, and I am having a very hard time with it. I know I am not myself, but I am scared of my condition, and what I have to do to get better, and I don't feel well at all, right now.

I sense that you might be scared also and even angry at the whole situation.

I desperately need your love and support during this difficult time in my life. I would try to do the same for you if you ever have a terrible problem, that is what marriage is. I am going to give all my energy to getting better, not only for me, but for you and our marriage too.

Together, I think we can move mountains, but they are big mountains and I could use your help.

If you think it might be of any benefit, maybe we could talk about it, or maybe, if you didn't want to talk with me about it, you could talk to someone who could help you get through this terrible period of time.

I love you very much. I need you to lean on right now."

If he won;t talk to you at all right now, maybe write him a note that he can read in private.

I think he needs to verbalize his feeling either to you or a professional. But somehow a dialogue has to be started.

You really do need him right now, he may be afraid of that too, but the fact remains that you DO need him. Hopefully he can step up to the plate.

 

[Karlynn]

I started having problems with my valve when I was pregnant with our second child. I had it replaced when she was 5. We've been living with my heart issues for 20 years. My husband spends most of his time in a state of denial over it,(which is one reason I love VR for being here) and I think it's to protect himself. Before my surgery, when I was feeling really sick and was quite a couch potato, he was very short with me a lot of the time. I wouldn't say he was angry with me, but he definitely made me feel like I was just "milking it" for attention. He'd say something like "You want to go for a walk with the kids." and I'd say "I just don't feel up to it right now." and he'd say "That figures." I knew then, and I know now that he was just scared silly. But that didn't keep me from being sad about his attitude.

When I had my surgery his sister told me that he took her to see me in CICU a few hours after I was there, still hooked up to all the machines and he says, very cheerfully "Doesn't she look great!" and she said she thought "Are we looking at the same person?" She said she couldn't stop crying because I looked like I was dead. She said he just couldn't bring himself to see me as anything less than "great" because he was scared stiff.

Even now, his first response to being expected to share his feelings on sensitive issues is to become angry. I'll ask him how he feels and he'll get angry and say "I don't know how I feel!" I know he does, he just is afraid to voice it, because that makes it real. If I'm persistent, then we get to a point when his defenses will drop.

Now I will say that I've never had to live with him being in an angry or distant state for days or weeks at a time. They are just little windows here and there. He never physically distanced himself from me. He's always been a very affectionate husband (my friends are jealous that I married a hugger and a snuggler). He was my rock, and in a sense, his denial of the seriousness of my situation gave me hope. If he had been telling me all the time "I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you." I probably would have freaked out.

If your husband is an otherwise loving, caring man, then his reaction to you at this time is out of fear of losing you, IMHO. Does he have a best friend or a particularly close family member that you could approach and ask them to see if they couldn't help him address his fears? (If he's not willing to see a counselor.)

 

[Barbara Stewart]

Ditto to everyone

Ditto to everyone

Candi,
I am still sick and my husband can be rather insensitive and seemingly uncaring, but I realize he has NO experience with sickness. He came from a family that never had to deal with chronic sickness. His grandparents lived healthyly into their 90's and his dad is close to his 90's. My DH is also healthy as a horse. I have always gotten tired and needed to spend weekends sleeping to be ready for work on Monday. At least now he knows I'm not lazy, but he still feels put upon, but I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Tell your husband how much you love him and how hurt you are by his distance. Don't throw the "D" (divorce) word around. If he is a good man and you had a good marriage a few weeks ago, he's worth keeping. Do you have extended family or close friends around? Try to rely on their emotional support if it's available and keep coming here.
One other thing. Try to look for things he might do to show his love for you. Right now my husband is outside waxing my car for me. I don't care if it's waxed or not, but it's one way he shows his love for me. See if you can't find his ways. Break the silence between the two of you, even if it is about the weather, the election (if you're on the same side). Keep working on your marriage, even if you are sick. You need him and I'm sure he needs you.
Barbara

 

[Sherry]

Hi, Candi. My husband dealt with his own bone marrow transplant two years prior to my heart surgery. He was supportive, not hovering or overly emotional, but very supportive nonetheless. I believe his own near death experience helped him to be more supportive of me. He may have not been otherwise -- who knows...

I agree with Ross and the others: perhaps some counseling is in order here.

 

[marky]

I have not read through all the replies, so forgive me if I repeat someone else.

What you are saying, or at least what I took away from your post is that he is scared too. Men by nature ( and certainly mine) are fix it people. He can't fix you..so it makes him feel helpless..
That causes the unsympathetic response.

My husband gets very quiet, he doesn't talk and I interpret as he doesn't care, when in reality he just doesn't know what to say or how to act.

When my sister when through her cancer, her normally very supportive husband became a total A** (for lack of a better word) He was such a jerk we coudln't belive she stayed married to him..
But when she got better he was his loving self, again.
It was just that 'fix it' mentality, that he couldn't make her better, so he acted out.
I hope that your situation improves, andthat you have some good oppurtunity to talk things out with your husband.

 

[Turkey Hunter]

no one can really speak to what you are dealing with, but there is the possibility that he can not handle the idea of you being sick. Or worse. he may not know how to deal with his feelings, so maybe he is dealing with them wrong.
Again, no one knows but him. Until he realizes he has an issue; you may have to deal with it.
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with.

Take care and God Bless.

Ben