Thanks re: M-I-L

[Freddie]

I've been wondering if I should post this. I really hope I don't offend anyone!

I'm sure everyone received cards, e-mails, flowers and food from friends, (some) relatives and neighborer's when you returned home from surgery. I even received a card from my sisters mother-in -law. Keep this in mind as I explain.

My husband took 2 weeks off after I had OHS (March 30/07). My mother-in-law called every night, but only talked to my spouse. I was usually sitting right beside him but she didn't talk to me. For 6 weeks she called, not once asking to talk to me. I learned that she had gone out for lunches and supper's and other things, but she never came over; and she lives 3 blocks away.

My spouses birthday was in May. I warned him that "if she makes the attempt to come over here with your birthday card, there would be a confrontation. Her actions or lack of; towards me were inexcusable." He agreed.

Well she did come over . I was in my sons room just fuming. My son turned around and said "settle down mom, I can hear you tick" LOL

She came with two small bunches of flowers and a card for me. I told her to "keep them........it was too late to accept anything from you". I said a lot of things to her in 20min, and ended my conversation by telling her "I now knew where I stood on her totem pole. It wasn't at the top where her son stood".

Recently, my husband and son went out of town and she had enough nerve to call me "to see how I was doing". My response "don't be a hypocrite!! You didn't care when I was home from surgery, don't pretend to care now".

NOW, my birthday is approaching. I truly don't want to except her card or the $$$ thats inside. No, I'm not going to take the money and run. And I don't believe in "better late than never". I'm planning to stick to my guns and not accept.

Whats your input?

After everything I have done for this lady in the past 20 years, I'm so ticked off.

Freddie

 

[WayneGM]

Just my 2 cents......you can't choose your relatives. You have every right to be ticked off, but if you ever want peace in the family, let it go, get past this, and move on. Holding a grudge may just turn any empathy others may feel for you about being wronged to you being in the wrong (including maybe even your husband).

Anyway, just my humble and honest opinion as you asked for input. I hope things work out.

 

[Nancy]

I understand your being upset with your MIL, however I've lived long enough to know several people who are just terrified of medical things, even to the point of talking to a person who is ill. I think it brings up fears of their own mortality.

I know one gal, a niece who came to see Joe when he was very, very ill and in the ICU. She had told me that she didn't "'do hospitals' because it upset her so much for days and weeks afterwards, but she was coming to see Joe." I could see she was nervous about seeing him in the ICU. And he did not look well at all, he had tubes coming out of everywhere, all kinds of medical monitors going off. I did appreciate her effort because I knew how hard it was for her. She only came that one time with her husband, the rest of the time he came alone. So I know it really bothered her.

She is otherwise a very dear and loved relative.

Please rethink why your MIL didn't do as expected. She did come after the fact and tried to make it up to you.

My guess is that it scared her and she's the one who has to deal with her own demons.

Open heart surgery is not for the "faint of heart" (no pun intended). I know, I've seen my own dear husband go through too many things. It is very scary to witness from the other side.

 

[Karlynn]

I agree with Wayne. She messed up, badly. There really isn't any good excuse for her actions (or non-actions), but you're stuck with her. She's your husband's mother. Making peace with who she is and moving forward is only going to help you live a happier life. You certainly don't want to be a rug and be walked all over. But it looks like someone said something to her and she was trying to change things.

If she gives you a birthday card, I'd just tell her "I just want to clear the air. I was very hurt that you didn't make an attempt to communicate with me during my recovery" -etc, ect. And see where that takes you. You never really know where someone's head is at or why they do things. Sometimes the best way is to be straight-forward and just ask.

Best wishes.

 

[Cooker]

Freddie,

I am sorry that you are in such an uproar!!! Please calm down before you blow a gasket!! You asked for input so here it comes.

I understand that your mother in-law has hurt your feeling, and that she may be a first class bitch. Remember that she is your husband?s mother and will always be until some one dies. That is a relationship that holds a lot of pull with him and her. I am not going to take sides but I am going to say this. Do not let her or anyone else rent this space in your head and keep you on the edge. It is not worth the teeth grinding. You are responsible for the way you and you alone behave. Don?t drop to that level. The climb back up could be long and hard.

Good luck,

Tom

 

[Freddie]

Thanks for the response Guys.
So what you are saying then that I should except her birthday card.
I've told her there were no excuses for her actions. Since she was able to go and see her brothers while they were in the hospital.
I'm so tired of her lies and excuses.
Freddie

 

[WayneGM]

If you've already spoken your mind to her, I suggest just putting it behind you and not speaking of it again. It's a can of worms that only you can close. I've got a few relatives of my own I can't stand. But I tolerate them for the sake of peace in the family. This is your husband's mother.....don't put him in a position of having to choose sides. Forgive and forget. You'll be the better person for it. Best wishes.

 

[Freddie]

Thanks Wayne,

I think us Canadians are just too forgiving.

It will be very hard for me to accept her card. In her mind she will feel that everything is fine........like nothing ever happened.

Maybe I'll just try to swallow my pride and accept. But I'll be bitting my tongue the hole time. That pain will be a lot less than what she has put me through.

Freddie

 

[Lisa in Katy]

I agree with the others. You need to put it behind you. Not to make excuses for someone I don't know, but is it possible that she didn't want to disturb you while you were recuperating? I had all the meals, etc. I needed, but most people would just drop the goodies with my husband and leave. Only my two very best friends, mom, and sister ventured beyond the front door. After I had been home a few weeks, I got on the phone and invited people over. I was bored! Most of my friends hadn't been around anyone who'd had OHS and they assumed that I would be very weak and sleeping all the time. They were always surprised when I was up and around, makeup on, fixing meals, etc. Assuming your spouse knew you were upset, did he call his mother and tell her how you felt before it got out of hand? It sounds like you had plenty of help and goodies, so is it possible that your husband told his mother that y'all were doing fine and didn't need anything?

One more thing, which might make you mad, but here goes.... Do you expect to be at the top of her totem pole beside your husband? He is her son. Yes, you should be important to her, but I can't imagine that when my children get married, I will ever feel about their spouses the way I feel about them. I birthed them, changed their diapers, kissed their owies, etc. My feelings for them can't be matched.

 

[Freddie]

Thanks Lisa,

My M-I-L was quite aware that people were coming over. My husband told her this and did ask a few times "I thought you were coming over?". "I didn't want to disturb you" was one of her excuses. But she could see her brothers while they were recuperating or dying in the hospital.

Granted! Perhaps putting me at the top of the totem pole was a little much to say. But I had to let her how I felt.

Freddie

 

[Ross]

Harboring the grudge forever will only negatively affect you. It's best to leave it go, enjoy what you can of her and discard the bad.

 

[Christina]

Freddie... No offense, but it takes two to tango in a relationship. I realize you think she should've done more after you got home from the hospital, talked to you on the phone or come for a visit. Don't forget, she did call every day and talked to your husband. Just appreciate what is and not what isn't. Just be accepting of who she is. You are not going to change her so you might as well make the best of it.
Another thing you might want to give some thought, have you earned her respect? WHY do you think she is acting like that towards you? Could it be that there has been hostility and friction between the two of you in the past? I bet there has been. It is very difficult for a MIL to act warm and fuzzy when they haven't been treated nicely.
My advise is to be as nice as YOU can be. It'll be so much better when she comes over without all the tension. Your husband will be happier to because I am sure this has been hard on him when the two of you don't get along.
You cannot make other people love you but she is your husband's mother. She's the woman who gave birth to the man you married. She must have done something right because you picked him. Compliment her on what a great job she's done and I'll bet your relationship will blossom.
JUST BE NICE!

 

[WayneGM]

But she could see her brothers while they were recuperating or dying in the hospital.

Rightly or wrongly, "related by marriage" isn't usually perceived the same as "related by blood". I've been married for 20 years (actually yesterday was our 20th wedding anniversary) and it has only been in recent years that my Mom would finally give my wife family heirlooms to ultimately hand down to our daughter. Before she'd give them to me, figuring Heather might take off with them or something. They are not valuable, and she loves Heather like a daughter and they get along great (my Mom lived with us a few years after my Dad died), but somehow there's a sense of being on a different "tier" of family.

 

[RobThatsMe]

Hi,

So let me get this right..

You had open heart surgery.. was recovering, and your M-I-L called every night, for 6 weeks, to see how you were doing, but she talked with her son, and not directly to you.

She lived 3 blocks away and did not personally visit you, but still.. she called every night for 6 weeks, to check up on you.

Now you are holding a grudge because she did not talk directly to you, nor did she visit you.

I think you received some great advice from the posts on here. As Nancy mentioned,"I've lived long enough to know several people who are just terrified of medical things, even to the point of talking to a person who is ill. I think it brings up fears of their own mortality". That is so true, very similar to people and funerals. Some folks just wont go to visitations or the funeral.

Also, you only have one life and one family. Do you really want to estrange yourself and perhaps the rest of your immediate family from the rest of the family. All this stress and hatred can only place some major strain on family ties. Your husband and family have got to be in a "hard" place with this. If he also has brothers and sisters, which would be your son's uncles and aunts, this can also have a big effect on those relationships as well.

Seems to me that you need get over it, and understand the relationship for what it is, and not look to be the highest on the totum pole. As long as you can realize what the relationship is for what it is, you should be able to rise above this issue, and move on with living, and enjoy the extended family.

Anyway.. Since you asked..that's my two cents ...
I once had a family issue that drove the family apart... I took my own advice from above... "agreed to disagree" as it were.. and we moved on. And, to be honest.. the family ties are now even stronger because of it.

Rob

 

[Freddie]

You guys are great!

Rob, on my husbands side of the family, there's one brother and two sisters......none of them called (and still haven't) to inquire. My two sisters and brother totally understand. Enjoying the extended family isn't there nor has it been in the past. I've always done my best to be pleasant to the in-laws, but I never really was excepted by anyone. Lord knows I have tried.

There has been no hostility and friction between the two of us in the past.

I've cooked her meals, did her laundry, cleaned her house, cleaned the yard, cut the grass (one son lives in the basement and is too lazy to do it) and taken her shopping since she doesn't like to drive down town. Put on 65th surprised party for her. I've always done my best to be nice.

Freddie

 

[Lisa in Katy]

Freddie - It would have been very easy for your husband to say, "Here, let me let you talk to her." or "I'm making hamburgers tomorrow. Come eat with us." Put it behind you because I have a feeling that your husband might secretly side with his mother.

 

[Freddie]

Thanks to everyone that posted.

I'll swallow my pride and put the past in the past!
I'll accept the birthday card.........but I'll feel like a heel

But I will not forget!

Thank-you for all your honest opinions.

 

[Freddie]

Thanks re: M-I-L

Thanks to everyone that posted.

I'll swallow my pride and put the past in the past!
I'll accept the birthday card.........but I'll feel like a heel

But I will not forget!

Thank-you for all your honest opinions.
You've taken a load off my shoulders.
Freddie

 

[Christina]

Freddie... Shower her with love and she won't know what to do with that. If you have behaved less than nice in the past, apologize for that and clean the air. You take responsibility for your actions and tell her from the heart that you're sorry and that you want to be friends. SHE is responsible for her actions, so don't worry about what she says and does. Just accept it. When you have a lemon, you make lemonade girl. She's not dangerous, not a criminal, maybe annoying at times but that's not a good enough reason to hold a grudge and be so angry with her.
You will feel much better when YOU DO the right thing.

Hugs,

 

[hensylee]

You really should not allow anybody else to have such a hold on you this way. It isn't good for you. Sounds like things have been pretty much ok before your OHS. For future happiness, you may have to just let this pass and deal with things on an as needed basis. Live your life, be happy, don't let anyone else mess it up or have the power to make you so angry. It's really all up to you, in the end.