Ten Years Ago Today Emergency OHS

[Guest]

Hello All,

I haven't been here in a while, but since it's my tenth year valversary today I thought I'd check in. Thank you all for the prior support, especially in the first years after my surgery.

I wish I had a better report about how my life is all wonderful and active, how I discovered why I was spared a premature death, but I regret I have little to report.

Honestly, I sort of wish I had died ten years ago rather than going through the unending depression and lack of will to live that I've experienced since the OHS, especially since Laura left me in 2014.

My kids' lives are pretty much in shambles, neither caring much about their faiths anymore, and my son pretty much not caring whether he passes school or not. Funny thing is that Laura's life has been busy and going pretty well since she left me. I don't blame what used to be our friends in common gravitating toward her support. Now her entire family and friends see me as a lazy bum. I guess I would agree with their assessments, except I didn't choose to be this way. I want to be strong for my kids. I want to be able to work again. However, I'm just too discouraged to try anymore. I'm too terrified of failure to try to get any sort of job, mostly because I just don't have the energy anymore and am certain I'd be dismissed within days or possibly even hours of starting any job whether menial, skilled, laboratory, or teaching. It's a prospect I cannot face.

I live in a mix of Laura's old hoarded junk and my own, and lack the energy to clean up after myself. I have no friends who live here who can help, either.

My father died in June, and my sister and I got informed of a life insurance policy worth an unknown amount of money. All I need to do is fill out the forms, send a certified death certificate, and wait for the check. I have had this info, including a certified death certificate, since last week and I haven't even had the energy to mail that off yet. My sister doesn't have a death certificate, so it is my responsibility to mail it off. I simply don't have the willpower to do it. My car has a throttle problem, but instead of making an appointment with a mechanic, it just sits there in my driveway, even though I think I can afford to get it fixed.

Please don't get like me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies. It would have been much better for everyone concerned if I had died back in 2007, because Laura would have been a widow and would have been able to continue to take communion at the Catholic Church. She can't now due to her divorcing me. The kids wouldn't have ended up disillusioned about their faiths, and likely Laura would have found someone to marry by now.

Thanks again for being there for the various people who are facing OHS, just had it, and are recovering long-term from it. You all are a wonderful asset for people who have struggled with the fear and angst of having our hearts opened up and repaired in various ways.

Sincerely,

Chris

 

[nngbwh]

I am sorry to hear about your problems. You need to hang in there and keep strong. Don't give up, life goes on.

 

[ottagal]

Chris,
I feel your pain reading your update. It truly is heartbreaking. Depression is very real and serious. I applaud you for sharing this with us. I am not a medical expert so will be careful with advising you. However, my instinct is telling me to ask you to please reach out to someone in your area. I.e minister, family physician, friend, face to face support group. I will keep you in my prayers that there is some kind of turnaround for you. Thinking of you..

 

[epstns]

Chris, it deeply saddens me to hear of your situation. I am nowhere near qualified to counsel you in any specific way except to advise you to GET HELP NOW. Yes, the capitals mean that I have raised my voice. We remind people here that depression after heart surgery is more common than anyone realizes. Not everyone can just soldier on through it. Some people need a little bit of help to get their lives back on track. I sense that you are among those who need that help.

As ottagal suggested, reaching out is the first step you need to take. It sounds like you may need to see someone who is trained to be able to help, rather than a friend. Friends are well-meaning, but they lack the training to help you over the really rough spots. I would suggest a minister, social worker, psychologist or other trained counselor.

Don't give up. You CAN be helped. You just have to take that first step.

 

[DJM 18]

The fact that you posted here is a good sign and something to build on. It is important to get someone with experience to help you through this process. And start with baby steps and small milestones, simple things like making your bed in the morning matter. But as epstns well said, do get some help !!!

 

[pellicle]

Chris

I've been away a few days and been unable to reply.

I agree with epstns
You need to seek professional guidance and soon. This has already extended over time to become chronic. It will be hard but if you want to be strong for your kids you need to seek help.

You seem to be classically depressed. I am of the view that these sorts of things can be dealt with via a little chemical tweaking.

Please, don't let this escalate and be bad for your kids.

​​​​​​​Best Wishes

 

[Eva]

Reaching out to us and expressing your situation is a sign that you have the intention to get better. Your second step is to reach out to your family doctor or minister and follow their advice. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to move towards it. Depression won’t go away on its own.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Jamey T]

I have to say that luckily I was warned about the depression after surgery by a friend that is in the medical field. She warned me to watch out for it, so when I found myself slipping down the road you are on I was able to recognize it and change.
Not everyone is able to do that, and with me it had only been a few weeks, so I hadn't gotten that bad yet. I used to be the person that would have told you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get your life back in line.
After going through it (more than once I have to say), I can't explain it, but I know how you feel, and you do need to get help to get things headed a better direction.

It is worth the effort it takes.

 

[dornole]

Depression is truly terrible and you are clearly suffering mightily from it. If you're not already getting medical care for depression, use the one ounce of energy you still have to make an appointment, or beg one of your relatives to make it for you and make sure you get there. If you ARE getting mental health care already, talk to your doctor, therapist or case manager ASAP and tell them you need more help to manage daily life. I don't know where you live, but where I live you would qualify for extensive mental health case management provided in your home to help you build coping skills and manage tasks of daily living like dealing with the insurance, the car, the hoarding, getting out of the house and connecting with people, and even just cleaning and eating properly and taking care of yourself. I know from experience that depression makes everything seem overwhelming and then your inability to get things done makes you feel even more like a loser. Depression CAN be cured though or at least minimized -- and the joy, ease and gratitude you will feel at that time is more intense than most people will ever experience. Use the ONE TINY BIT of energy that you receive in the next couple of days to make a phone call or send an email. Do not delay. I have found this guide to be helpful in feeling the tiniest bit better so that I can take action and get help.

https://www.uccs.edu/Documents/wellness/wellpromo/Everything-is-awful.pdf

I am glad you shared your sadness here and I hope you find the responses helpful. Compared to ten years of suffering, depression medications, therapy and self-care habits can make a difference very quickly in how you feel. Help is on the way. Send up the SOS beacon. There are many possibilities for you to feel better and regain your abilities. Hugs.

 

[spartangator]

I have nothing new to add except to offer support to you and to add another voice to the thoughtful responses about reaching out for professional help. We all believe in you, and please update us.

 

[Carnelian]

I am some times depressed,--- surgery was only 3 and half months ago and I was unhappy before that for a long time. Very blue.
What are your reasons for feeling depressed? Is it your heart condition? Do you still have heart problems? Or other problems?
If you were happy before surgery, then the change to unhappiness will seem extreme to you. Not to me.
Are you pessimistic about the future? Did your spouse change?
One other thought---you will never get as much nice attention as you did in the hospital--maybe you miss that?
Jokingly, I was finally getting so much attention from nurses--but for ALL the wrong reasons. (I am single.)
and want to know a nurse socially..
I don't trust psychologists and the like.

 

[PairoDocs]

I’m not sure why my tenth Valversary post came up as “Guest”, but that was me, PairoDocs. I am feeling better this year. While life’s problems still persist, I am not in the depths of despair as last year. I know this is late, but thank each and everyone of you who took the time to respond to my blackest days. Slightly depressed, but more like overcast gray than pitch black.

—Chris

Now snowing steadily. Unless there is a heatwave or downpour of rain, it looks like it will be a White Christmas here in southern Idaho.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

[epstns]

Yes! Chris, I am SO glad you have come back to visit. We didn't know what became of you last year, but it sure sounds like things are a lot more manageable for you this year. What a difference a year makes!

Things often get rough for many of us. Almost all of us manage to make it through these trials to get back to some form of a better life. You haven't said how you've managed, but whatever it is that you are doing, keep up the good work.

 

[Jamey T]

Thanks for updating this post. You sound better, but I know it is easy to slip back into it. Try not to let that happen. I sincerely hope your life keeps improving.

Merry Christmas.

 

[spartangator]

Yes, thank you for the update. We hope whatever support you sought out continues and that 2019 will be better still for you.

 

[ForeverThankful]

Thanks for the update. Glad you're doing better this last year and best wishes that you do even better this coming year!