Sinking in...

[Gnusgal]

I can't vent about this anywhere else because people would just feel sorry for me. (You guys might too, but at least you're not going to try and come over and "comfort" me, translation: smother me.) I feel like I have to keep on a brave face for everyone around me just so they won't treat me like I can't do the same things I've always done (which I can, by the way).

Anyway, I guess it's finally sinking in how unfair this whole ICD thing is. I mean, the surgery at Spring Break wasn't a big deal to me because I've come to expect a pacemaker replacement every 5 years or so, and this was just to take the place of that surgery. It was really more convenient for me by having it at Spring Break anyway... But the fact that I've had the thing for less than three months and I'm already having to go in for more surgery (and let me tell you it is nowhere near convenient!) has me a bit angry. I'm not sure who to be angry with, I'm just plain angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I can't have anything be simple. I've already got a complicated enough life becasuse of my CHD, why does it have to be compounded by stinking complications from one surgery to the next?!? Is someone trying to tell me to stay away from ICDs? The last one developed an hematoma and then an infection... Will I get an infection after this one? It's not an hematoma, but it is the second surgery on the same site in a short period of time... I don't necissarily anticipate another infection. I'm just explaining why I'm so dang tired of this.

And this time I'm at a different school than I was then. So they're not used to my medical stuff. As a matter of fact, the ICD placement was the first surgery they were "around" for. I act like it's no big deal when I'm talking to my coworkers (and the students). I don't want them to freak out and think I'm some fragile thing that can't do her work. I am perfectly capable, even though every time I reach to a high shelf or carry a box or moving books there's constantly someone around to ask me if I should be doing that, or insisting on doing it for me. I did it for nearly two years at that school without anyone ever questioning, so why is it a big deal now???

And it seems I keep getting the two extreemes in reaction from my coworkers. Some are kind of freaking out, while others haven't even acknowledged that anything is going on with me, even though I asked everyone to turn in their library materials before I left for surgery (apparently they plan to wait until the last minute, or don't bother reading my emails anymore)... I don't really like either reaction. I do want some show of sympathy, just so I know they care what happens to me, but I don't want people thinking I am going to do less of a job than I've been doing all along because of this stupid inconvenience.

Everyone keeps saying "Just let it be. Don't worry about work, you're health comes first." But what they don't seem to understand is, if I stress about the work, I don't have to think about stressing over the surgery... It's easier to stress about work. I have more control over that. I'm so completely NOT in control of my heart, and it scares the he** out of me. Every time I think we're making progress a great big road block gets planted right in the way.

Okay, enough whining. I just have one more thing to say: Sometimes life sucks. There. End of vent.

 

[geebee]

Niki,

You are so right, all of this crap is so very unfair. Some of us have it easier than others but none of us deserve going through this. We are all good people who should have the easy lives of rich, gorgeous, healthy folks. I don't understand why any of us ended up in this group.

However, you are also right in that we all understand and can empathize with your situation. Whine away, dear, we will never cut you off.

If we all were not in the same boat, we would have never "met". So, from that standpoint, I am happy to be here and happy to know you. You have always been so strong that you should have the "why me" now and then. As far as your co-workers go, they do not understand and are probably handling things the way they think you want them to (even if they got it wrong). It is really tough to know the right responses when these health issues are alien to you.

Hang in there.

 

[hensylee]

Anybody in your situation would certainly feel angry at the awful things that have come your way. You handle all of it very well, I think. Keeping a strong appearance can't always be easy for you. You certainly came to the right place to let off steam. We understand and encourage you to do it any time you want to and need to and it sounds like you really need to right now. We don't know how to help, but we sure can listen and empathize. Maybe that helps a little.

As for folks turning in their stuff on time (at school), my daughter is the principal's sec'y and school bookkeeper and she has the same trouble all year long. She vents, too. All kinds of people in the schools and most just don't much care about your stuff nor my daughter's. They figure it'll get done, if they don't have to do their end.

Blessins........

 

[Nancy]

I certainly hear what you are saying, and understand completely. Joe felt that way many, many times. He was such a strong, brave man, and if he hadn't had rheumatic fever as a young fella, he'd have been the healthiest person I have known. He was athletic in spite of his heart problems, held down a very stressful management job, and in his early years even had two jobs at a time and did everything his medical people told him to do without complaint. He rarely expressed his frustrations because, like you, he didn't want people to be all over him with sympathy. He just wanted to be a normal guy, and for the most part, he was, and I suspect, for the most part so are you, and I would bet the people you work with think of you that way too.

But there were times when Joe would say, "Why me? Why so many problems? What did I ever do to deserve this?" Then he would just go right back to trying to live as normally as possible given the limitations.

It's good to vent when you need to. feelings can build up and you have to let them out.

You'll get over this hump and it will smooth out. Don't ever give up your hope. Remember, never give in and never give up.

I'm glad you felt comfortable ebough to let it all out with your friends here.

 

[Curtsmum]

Niki, wishing you the very best of luck,you have been through a lot, hope you are felling alittle better, getting it off your chest. Best of luck with your surgery and wishing you a very very speedy recovery.

 

[sue943]

Take yourself off to the bathroom (at home) and let rip with some language fit to make a sailor blush. I guess we all feel anger at times over all the rubbish which happens to us BUT, at least we are still alive to have the crap happen - if you follow my thinking.

 

[Karlynn]

Niki - you strike me as the type of person who doesn't spend a whole lot of time feeling sorry for yourself on a regular basis. You've spent your life persevering through your CHD and you haven't let it get you down. You have a positive outlook on life that has served you very well. I think it's perfectly okay to get P****d-off about this and get frustrated as all-get-out. I'm pretty sure that you will then move forward with what you need to do and handle it in the way that is best for you.

Come here and vent anytime.

 

[Marguerite53]

Niki. I think you have every reason to vent. And that is what this community is for...to listen and support. Feel free....anytime!

As far as people's reactions to you, try to cut them a little slack since they don't know you that well yet. Many people speak out of fear and the unknown. To want protect and assist you seems the first, best course of action because they value what they know of you and just want you to be okay. Your job performance is hardly on the minds of friendly co-workers. If you feel better being busy because it keeps your mind off of your medical rollercoaster, perhaps you should mention that casually to someone so that they understand. Most people can only imagine what we go through and often don't have the depth to analzye what our behaviors might mean. Then there are those who were brought up to be very private. I suspect that it is those types who are not acknowledging you. They might actually see it as a deep form of resepct. People are all so different!!

I hope you can go out this weekend and do something different and enriching. Maybe a walk through a botanical garden, a bench by a lake, a modern art gallery (if not just to wonder at what on earth these things are that are hanging on the wall!) a funny musical/play. Find a new diversion. Relax. Relax. Help your body have a break from all the stress. Enjoy.

Keep us posted and vent away if there's more in you!

Good luck and keep smiling.

Marguerite

 

[Bradley White]

Excellent thoughts Marguerite. You put into words for Niki exactly what I was thinking. It can be hard to be the lone heart patient at work or even in a social group. But like Marguerite I have come to believe that everyone in my life is treating me the best way they know how.

Brad

 

[Mary]

Niki,
Been there, done that!
Having worked as a classroom teacher, I know that everyone is stressed out this late in the school year.
Probably no one has stopped to recognize that if they're stressed, how stressed you must be!
So yeah, it stinks!
I'm glad you can tell us about it!

 

[67walkon]

Niki, thank you for sharing that with us. It helped me tremendously because I feel that same way lately.

You've had a lot more issues than have I. Right now, I'm 57, which I gather is considerably older than you, and I have a bicuspid aortic valve and a dilated ascending aorta and some ocassional issues with afib. Last week, I found out that my activitites are restricted until I have surgery sometime probably in July or early August.

The surgery scares me. They have to stop the heart, replace the valve and the ascending aorta and sometime during that procedure, they are going to do a full blown maze procedure for the afib. Instead of having a normal heart, I'll have one with dacron, a pig's valve and scar tissue all over the outside of it to stop the afib.

I get depressed. I get angry. I get impatient. I want to talk about it, which is apparently what this forum is for. I don't want anyone to baby me. I want someone to baby me. I can't stand the thought of the surgery. I wish the surgery was sooner. All that is very contradictory to say the least.

Your post, not to sound preachy, reminded me of the Book of Job in the Old Testament of the Bible. It is part of both the Jewish and Christian scriptures, so you're covered either way.

Job was "blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil". He was rich. He had 10 children and wonderful wife. He had it all.

The devil bet God that Job would quit being faithful to God if some of these things were taken away from him. In the end, everything is taken from Job, even his health and pride. Job never gave in-he "kept the faith" and all was eventually restored to him.

Sometimes we are like Job. We don't understand why we are being punished so unfairly. But, you have reminded me that God has a plan for all of us. Part of his plan seems to have been to lead you to post what you did to help me out of the depression I've been in since last week. I don't know what his plan is for the rest of your life, or mine, but your venting really helped me and I appreciate it.

It's tough on all of us, probably more so for you than me, but know that God has something greater in store for you! Thanks again, and go do something fun this weekend!

 

[briansmom]

I thought that was a great well though out "vent". Hang in there!

 

[Gnusgal]

I've been in a bad mood since yesterday evening. I'm just fed up with the stress. This morning one of the teachers at school came to me to explain that she can't find most of the items she has on her list of checkouts, and that several of the bar codes have fallen off, and she doesn't understand what some of them are... It went on and on. I finally said, "I don't care. I'm past the point of caring. Just do what you can. I'm done." I had to work pretty hard not to just start crying. I'm so fed up with it all. And then her response was "You sound like my kids." Grrr!

Thanks for all of your kind words and understanding. As for the suggestion of doing something fun, this weekend is the 24 Hour Video Race (24 hours of fun, stress, and exhaustion). Surely that distraction will help some. I just hope I can put on a happy face for my team (hubby, two friends, and my brother-in-law).

I already felt like a grouch when my husband told me this morning that the Video Association (the people hosting the race) asked if they could have a news crew follow us. Not sure why they picked us (unless it's because we're one of the few teams that has done it every year since it began six years ago), but I told him I didn't want them in our house (it's an absolute mess). At least when we're filming we can strategicly place the camera to avoid showing the entire mess. We wouldn't have that ability with a news crew and I just don't have the time or energy to clean thouroughly. He sounded a little surprised, but said he would tell them no.

 

[Gnusgal]

Niki, thank you for sharing that with us. It helped me tremendously because I feel that same way lately.

I'm glad I could be of some help, even in my grumpy state. If you talk to me when I am in a better mood, I can be even more helpful!

Right now, I'm 57, which I gather is considerably older than you

I'm 30 years old. But in my opinion, ANY age is to young to deal with this crud.

Last week, I found out that my activitites are restricted until I have surgery sometime probably in July or early August.

That really stinks. Feel free to yell and scream along with me. (which I've done several times and I think I'm freaking my dogs out. )

The surgery scares me. They have to stop the heart, replace the valve and the ascending aorta and sometime during that procedure, they are going to do a full blown maze procedure for the afib. Instead of having a normal heart, I'll have one with dacron, a pig's valve and scar tissue all over the outside of it to stop the afib.

Right there with you. I had my valve replacement (mechanical) 5 years ago, but before that I had a dacron patch put in to close my "huge" VSD and part of my paricadium used to close my ASD. I've had a pacer since I was 7 because I'm in complete heart block, and now they've added a defibrillator to the package because my low EF is putting me at risk for sudden cardiac death (that sounds like fun, doesn't it? ) My students ask me if I'm a robot. Sometimes, I think I'm becoming one with all my mechanical parts... My x-rays look like a junk yard.

I get depressed. I get angry. I get impatient. I want to talk about it, which is apparently what this forum is for. I don't want anyone to baby me. I want someone to baby me. I can't stand the thought of the surgery. I wish the surgery was sooner. All that is very contradictory to say the least.

Yup, yup, yup, and yup. Feeling all of these things and then some. And my surgery isn't as invasive as the one you'll be experiencing (though I've been through that too, obviously).

Your post, not to sound preachy, reminded me of the Book of Job in the Old Testament of the Bible.

Believe me, I'm CONSTANTLY reminding myself that God only gives us what we can handle with his help... I really wish He'd let up some, though. Just this afternoon I found myself yelling at other drivers and using language I don't normally use. I appologized to God, but let him know it would be a LOT easier to stop being cranky if He'd stop sending so much stress my way. I HAVE to think He has a plan for me, or I think I really would loose it. So far, the best I've come up with is that I'm supposed to be there for the people I encounter who have to go through medical crap, either heart related or something else... At least it's something I'm good at and enjoy doing... Oh, and I'm apparently also here to confuse and educate the medical world...

It's tough on all of us, probably more so for you than me,

Don't sell yourself short. I often say it is probably MORE difficult for those who find out later in life about their health problems than it is for me, because at least I know what to expect. I don't think I freak out about surgeries as much as most people, simply because I've been through so many. I tend to see them more as inconveniences and annoying pains in my life rather than fearing that I won't make it through them. Different situations, different stress, but neither is "more" than the other...

Thanks for letting me know that my post helped you, and also for taking time to post your feelings. It truely does make me feel better knowing I'm not alone and it's completely normal to feel angry and grouchy (even if I wish it would go away).

 

[Gnusgal]

Take yourself off to the bathroom (at home) and let rip with some language fit to make a sailor blush.

Done that already. A few times... Only problem is, when I get really angry and upset and "let it all out" my chest starts hurting... Which makes me more angry and upset... It's a vicious cycle. Last night in the shower, I just sat in the tub and cried. I may do the same tonight.

As for still being here, yes, I suppose it does beat the alternative...

 

[Guest]

Ah, Niki..........

I understand a bit how you are feeling.

Can't add anything else new, so, I'll just remind ya that thoughts/prayers ARE coming your way.....



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
PICS:lego.HO.model.MCinfo.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Waiting to be mended like a potter would mend a broken vase" ... Larry Gatlin & The Gatlin Brothers ... 'Broken Lady'

 

[Praline]

Oh, Gnusgal, I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better.

I can certainly identify with the end of the school year stress. I am buried in paper work. My classroom looks like a tornado hit it. While my husband was sick, I taught all day then went home and left the paper work there not done. Now it is almost the end of the school year, just a few days left, and it is time to pay the piper... But that is just paper work, it will get done,if not sooner, than later.

I will keep you in my prayers. I cannot imagine how frustrated you must feel. When we ahve a moment of silence at school tomorrow morning , I will pray for you.

 

[catwoman]

Niki:

This is when martial arts would come in mighty handy to get rid of a lot of your stress level.

 

[Gnusgal]

Niki:

This is when martial arts would come in mighty handy to get rid of a lot of your stress level.

Hmmm... Now if only I had the energy to do that...

 

[gijanet]

Yep!

Yep!

Niki:

This is when martial arts would come in mighty handy to get rid of a lot of your stress level.

And it might persuade those darn teachers to get those library materials back in! Vent away, my dear! Our librarian goes ape, too, if we don't get our stuff back in and she doesn't have health issues, so you most definitely are entitled. As for your coworkers, you know they just don't get it! They can't begin to relate. I'll spare you all the "I can relate to what you're going through stories. My son had his tonsils out! " I heard before/after Katie's surgeries. Yep, a tonsillectomy certainly ranks right up there with an OHS!! Or they may be thinking about their Great Aunt Gertrude's stent placement and thinking there is nothing to it. "Aunt Gerdie snapped right back." So vent away here, my dear, where we know you have plenty to ***** about and justifiably so!

I hope you are having a fun time tonight, sweetie. Posted you a note on your page, but wanted to send more hugs and good thoughts. You are still our idol, even without a news crew. Much love. J.