siblings and acceptance

[Trinityheart8891]

hey guys,

quick update first:
I have been doing relatively good lately, heart hasnt acted up alot till this past week, with an increased stress level, and all I have to do is "check myself" and I am pretty much back to baseline. I have learned to consider this normal, and am fine with it lately, I think I am finally emotionally ok with it. I did get a little upset this past wednesday morning, long story short, I went to a tragically hip concert (my absolute favorite band in the whole wide world--I will definitely be seeing them again!) and became frustrated several times, a few times with my mom, her and her boyfriend were walking really fast up a hill, she was good about asking me how I was doing, but I was still getting out of breath, and a few times, I was in the crowd (I got up to the front, 1 person off the fence) I was dancing, and singing at the top of my lungs, but I couldnt sing much without getting out of breath, I'd sing a verse, and have to stop, I'd dance a song or two, and be happy a slow song came on, so I could stop for a while. I put on a really good face, because I didnt wanna ruin my night, but wednesday morning I broke down on it. got it out of my system though, and am doing fine now.

so. . . back to what this post was really supposed to be about. . .

last night my sister, her boyfriend, and I were sitting around the living room having a couple drinks, and my health came up somehow. I dont know if its cause she was catching a buzz, or what, but she started crying, when she brought up that I was gonna need surgery again. I tried explaining to her that there isnt much we can do about it, it is what it is, I tried really hard to comfort her, I mean really hard. its so awkward to have to comfort someone else on something like this. I didnt know what else to do, so I kept saying "I love you" and gave her a big hug, and sat with my head on her shoulder, and let her cry on my shoulder. her and her boyfriend abruptly went to bed (she hadnt stopped crying), and when they were in her room, I heard her break into hysterics, at this point I really didnt know what to do, but was relieved that her B/F was here to comfort her. it took everything I had to not cry, and to be strong for my (bigger (she's like a foot taller than I am)) little sister, but long story short, I went to bed, and listened to her crying as I fell asleep, it was a good 30-45 mins from the time that she went to bed to the time I fell asleep.

has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this? what are some good tips to dealing with stuff like this? I really dont know how I held it together, but this was aweful, someone should be comforting me, I shouldnt have to comfort them. I am glad that it happened when it did because of the place I am emotionally, but still. I have a feeling that she hasnt talked to mom about this, and dont know where she is on the whole thing. I really dont know what to do. I feel like I need to talk to mom about this, and its probably where I will start.

Any help would be greatly appreciated
Thanks
Morgan

 

[halleyg]

Hi Morgan,
Glad you were able to enjoy yourself at the concert, even though it wasn't easy. I am going to a concert for my favorite band in a couple of weeks. I bought the tickets this summer and it sounds silly but it was one of my incentives for getting through the surgery. Now that it's getting so close I worry about how I'll feel but still looking forward to it!
About your sister - I have a younger sister, too, so I can relate somewhat. Before my surgery she would sometimes break down and I would end up comforting her, and I would think the same thing, shouldn't she be comforting me? I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes, though, and that sort of goes along with her personality, so I just take it as it comes, and yes, it's weird, but sister relationships can be that way. I have heard people say it's just as hard on the family emotinally sometimes for different reasons than it's hard for us. Anyhow, it sounds like your sister really loves you a lot so probably not much you can do to make her not freak out at times. My sister also gets more emotional about things when other things are bothering her as well, so this could be the case, too. I have learned after two OHS that people are not always going to understand or be there emotionally right then or in the right way, but that doesn't mean their hearts not in the right place. And that is what is so great about this site so you can come and talk about these things when no one else gets it!

Also wanted to add that while comforting someone about your surgery feels weird, sometimes it can be beneficial to have to tell someone, "I'm going to be OK and get through this" because you start to believe it yourself.

 

[Mary]

I've had the same situation happen to me with my youngest sister. I finally quit telling her anything about my heart, and that seems to work. Since our mother died, I think she's needed my support more, and the thought that she might lose me too was just more than she could handle.

 

[Christina]

Morgan,

I think she's just scared that she'll lose you and was letting it out through her tears. We women react through emotions and tears. It sounds to me that you two have a close bond and that is wonderful. You said that you thought she should be comforting you at this time. Well, we all need comforting at times, she's only human Morgan and if you can comfort her, why not? She's your sister. When you need her comforting you I am sure she'll be there for you.

 

[blessed1416]

Hi Morgan

Hi Morgan

I can feel for you and also your sister. I, too, have a dear sister - she's older than I am and I often find myself comforting her. Just calm her fears and in the long run it will be theraputic for you. We valvers are more optimistic and positive thinking when we have someone that we having to put up a brave front for. My sister often blames me for "sugar-coating" my condition. This is good for me because it does give me a reason for finding the good in the bad. There's no need in worrying our loved ones more than they are already worried about us. It's tough on them- try putting yourself in their shoes. They love us and we should be thankful that we are loved. This being said, however, I think that if I asked my sister if she would change places with me, she'd probably give me a definitive NO. Sisters!!???

 

[Guest]

Hmmm...must be something about sisters, particularly younger ones.

Over the years, I've come to learn/discover just how much my sister looks up to me ... and worries about and fusses over me ... even if I don't see it all the time.

I can tell in the way she wrote about my recovery after my 2003 surgery ... and kept family and friends up to date via daily Emails (I've posted those here before ... not sure if they are still here, but I can try to hunt for them, if you're interested). I can tell in the way she is protective of me. And, I can tell by what others have told me [apparently, when I went to college, she stayed in my room a few nights....] ... and what she has told me ... about herself, etc.

Unfortunately, I have no good ideas for you on how to cope/handle that situation, but I do think that sometimes we "forget" (not the right word, but ya'll know what I mean, I'd bet) that our friends/family have to deal with our conditions, too ... and, obviously, not in the same way as us.....



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"What's it gonna take to lay a few burdens down?" ... Newsboys ... 'Million Pieces'

 

[KatieD]

Morgan,

I?m sorry your sister had such an extreme reaction to your health problem. As you said, it may have been the alcohol that caused such an extreme.

I had to smile at your post because I have been on both ends of the relationship. One sister had a valve replacement many, many years ago and then recently a brother (replacement-September 2006) and another sister (repair-February 2007). I had my repair in June 2007. My sister, MaryC who?s also a member of this forum and who is the sister who had the repair in February, and I have talked about how unexpectedly hard it is to be the family member on the ?other side?. When you?re the one in the driver?s seat, so to speak, it?s all about you and what you have to get through. Don?t forget that your family has their own personal agonies in watching you go through this and they need support as well, although I think you're going in the right direction and it needs to be other family members giving her the vast majority of the support she needs, not you! Just keep in mind it's hard being the one on the side-lines, everthing is out of their control as well.

 

[katie1234]

Hi there,
Sorry you had to go through such a painful experience there with your sister. I have only been in the 'caregiver' role myself, but I can tell you that this summer, when my mom was gearing up for her double valve replacement surgery, it was really hard on pretty much everyone. The strategy I devised, and one you might want to look into in terms of your situation, is that I expressed all of my sadness and concerns to 1) my boyfriend 2) my brothers and my stepdad. I saved my worst fears and crying jags for when i was alone or with boyfriend, and talked about my mid-range level concerns and anxieties with my brothers and step-dad. This way, I was able to save up my honest optimism and positivity for my mom, and was able to be strong for her in the best way I could. Instead of having to just pretend like I wasn't scared, I could share my fears with other people beside my mom, and just share my hope and support with her. Maybe try to talk about this with your sis...it's definitely a tough call, but it might be best for everyone if you let her know how hard it was for you to see her crying about you.
-Katie

 

[Trinityheart8891]

thanks everyone for the replies

I really appreciate it

I guess things just hit her, everything seems to be back to "normal" lately

we'll see.

On the other hand, I had kind of a difficult week symptomatic wize, so things are kind of hitting me. . .I am coping ok, it just is what it is. I have been pushing really hard lately, so as much as no one deserves this, I kinda brought it on myself.

well, I am gonna go have a drink, and chill out, and enjoy my friday night off

thanks again
Morgan

 

[gijanet]

Oh, MOrgan, ((((hugs)))

Oh, MOrgan, ((((hugs)))

Your sister just loves you and is afraid of losing you. YOu are so blessed in that respect. I'm sure the booze exacerbated things a bit, but your sister is scared, and, to be honest, probably feels a bit guilty that it is you who are suffering and not her. I watched my sister suffer through her 13 month battle with cervical cancer. I managed to hold it together most of the time around her, but there were a couple of times I broke down too, especially near the end. NOt only did I feel completely helpless to alleviate her pain and suffering, but I felt guilty that it was her and not me. And, yes, I would have traded places if I could have. (definitely with my child, but I would have for Christie too) My sister was not just my sister, but my best friend as well...........There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that she were here.....................sigh!

I know it is difficult to comfort someone when you are the one who needs some comforting and assurance, but you have one plus. YOu are well versed with your condition. Maybe educating your sister some would help. Maybe, and she may not be open to this, she would benefit from joining this forum and seeing that many, many people are living with heart problems and are surviving the necessary surgeries.............and the significant others forum might help her, too. No, no surgery is risk-free, but maybe it would help her to know that most people survive.

You hang in there, honey, and try to revel in the fact that you are loved by your sister. Not everyone has that luxury. Many hugs and I hope you had a great Friday night. J.

 

[Gnusgal]

You know, I don't think I've ever seen my sister or brother upset about the medical stuff in my life. Maybe it's because they are "used to" me having surgery (I've had 16) and we grew up with me being different. I'm not saying they don't worry about me (I assume they do) but they've never broken down crying (at least, not in front of me). My husband, also, has never shown his concern to me. I'm told that every time I've been in surgery he has been going nuts in the waiting room, but he doesn't show me this side of him at all. Part of me wishes he would so that I could see that he cares (Obviously I know he does, but he always acts like it's no big deal).

I wonder, too, if it has something to do with my own attitude (in public) about my heart. I'm very "blase" about it. When I tell people what's going on it's as if I'm telling them I'm going to the store or having my teeth cleaned. Like it's no big deal. I think I do that because I don't like to freak people out. I turn to this forum to get my real feelings out (and sometimes break down for my mom or husband, but no one else).

I found out several years ago, when my mom had to have surgery and again when a friend underwent brain surgery, that I MUCH prefer being the patient... At least then I get to sleep through the most worrisome part!

Good luck with your sister. I understand it's hard for you to see her reaction, but know that it just shows how much she loves you. All you can do is let her feel what she's going to feel. There's no way to stop that.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

WE (members of VR.com) get a Lot of Information and Support in dealing with our circumstances. Most people who don't face these issues have no basis for understanding.

Perhaps your family would benefit from reading some of the posts on VR.com, and may find 'kindred spirits' on the Significant Others Forum (I hope I remembered the right name).

It would be especially helpful for your family to know that the SUCCESS Rates for Heart Surgery are extremely High and WAY better than doing nothing.

'AL Capshaw'