Scared and alone

[Guest]

Im scheduled for aortic root replacement with a new aortic valve next Wed, 2/14. (I’d rather be under the knife than face another Valentine’s Day!) I’m separated, with an elderly mother, and two teenage boys, and I expect the minimum of help, physically and emotionally.

Im less concerned about surgery and post-op in the hospital, than I am about what happens after I come home.

Basically, as the topic says, i’m scared and alone.

 

[honeybunny]

My daughter stayed with me for a week. Other than that, I was pretty much on my own. I'm widowed, so no special person to go through the experience with me. Had some friends prepare and drop off meals. Got my emotional support from this website. Ultimately I was the one who had to do the recovery work, both physical and emotional, as everyone does.

I suspect the separation and caregiver issues are taking a toll on your emotional state. Check with the social services department of your hospital to see if they can put you in touch with agencies that can help you or your mom until you are back on your feet. For meals, order delivery. And, if you are in the Houston area, I would be glad to stop by for a visit.

Sending positive thoughts for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. Please keep us posted. This is a wonderful site with wonderful people.

 

[Superman]

Sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. I would recommend using your time now to set your teenage boys up for success in being as helpful as they can be. Many times, boys either don't think about such things, or are scared too when seeing a loved one go through something like this, so they retreat.

I would make it a team effort now to get some meals prepared and in the freezer. We also let our church and the kids school know what was going on, the primary reason being that seeing their dad go through that might be evident in behavior changes at school. We wanted them to know why in advance, if anything became an issue (nothing did). The school stepped right up and got a meal list together. We had a different meal sent home with the kids every day from people we didn't even know. It really was impressive, seeing what people are willing to do to look out for each other.

For the boys -

Have them help you make a grocery list of some healthy, fairly simple things to keep in the house when you aren't as ready to wait on them.

Set up your living space now.

- A comfortable chair (recliner preferably) that is easy to get in and out of.

- An end table next to said chair to keep your phone, perhaps a laptop or tablet if available, and reading materials, remotes, or other hobbies. Cross stitch is a nice one to do in a chair.

Consider transportation needs for the boys while you're unavailable and see if you can line up rides to or from school or extra-curricular activities as needed.

I'm assuming in saying no help, that the separation is more than something where the ex can step up and help out where needed. Sorry to hear that.

Just a few ideas to make your journey a little smoother. Just remember too that this isn't a life change. Recovery is only for so long, then you'll be back and better than ever! It's not an instant thing - but you'll be doing more and more every day. Follow your recovery plan and this too shall pass.

Good luck!

 

[pellicle]

...
Im less concerned about surgery and post-op in the hospital, than I am about what happens after I come home.

Basically, as the topic says, i’m scared and alone.

yes, it happens to some of us .. to many perhaps never.

I got home after (one of) my surgery(ies) to have noone there, in the middle of a storm and pretty much had to put my wet weather gear on and go out and fix the gutter ... for sure that wasn't an OHS, but that was (the second of) what is called a debridement surgery to fix an infection from my OHS.

Sometimes we just need to be strong, despite the fact that what we want to do is sit down and give up.

I drew on techniques I'd learned in jungle survival which I actually never expected to be applying to my "normal daily life".

Don't think ahead to tomorrow, secure your safety now.
Don't worry if it doesn't look pretty.
Don't do more than you need to do right then.
Work in small stages.

You may be surprised and find that your boys are more help than you thought.

The TV shows are bullsheet ... you are now (or will be) one of the true life survivors. We are designed by thousands of years of evolution to be that.

I would also look around at what "community support" can be accessed.

I know you'll make it.

Best Wishes

 

[dick0236]

The anticipation of heart surgery is worse than the surgery itself. If you live in a metropolitan area go online and look to see if there is a Mended Hearts support group nearby. It's members have all been thru this and and can be a great help and stay close to this group, Valvereplacement.org, it is, by far, the best, and most honest, site I have ever found. Good luck to you and we'll see you after you join the "zipper club".

 

[tom in MO]

Take heart, your boys and your mom will be more helpful than you can imagine. They are probably in denial right now because you do so much and they cannot imagine life without your full support.

When the time comes, your mom can tell them what to do and in "olden days" teenagers were expected to be independent...and were. They worked in farms and factories. My grandma was taken out of school in the 8th grade to work. They can handle it.

When you come home, use take-out if nobody can cook. Have the boys lift the things you need. Uber can help if available, you should be able to drive in a few weeks. Do your shopping for food now if needed.

If you pray, do so. I found prayer to be helpful, especially rote prayer, like the rosary. My surgeries showed me the way prayer can help one cope.

It's good luck to get your heart fixed on Valentine's Day. A sure sign that God luvs ya.

 

[DachsieMom]

For both you and your sons, consider Uber (if they don't drive).
This might be time to be bold and ask for help. Perhaps the parents of your sons' friends can set up a meal train through Lotsa Helping Hands or similar service? That was a huge help to us. Arrange a cleaning person. I ended up having visiting nurses come twice a week to do INR home testing and physical therapy (long story but I needed a walker after surgery due to temporary nerve damage).
You will get through this. What area of the country are you in? There are support resources in many areas.

 

[Calliope]

FINALLY, I have been approved to post! I am the “guest” who posted this and I’ve been wanting to say THANK YOU to everyone for their support and good advice.

 

[marysirianni]

Hi...This is my first post. I am 47 years old, and a mom to three young kids. I am scheduled for valve replacement and repair of the ascending aorta on April 3rd, and to "scared and lone", I so understand and hope your went well. I am terrified...for so many reasons...and still deciding between types of valves. It is so overwhelming. I have fears of making it through, fears of the breathing tube and chest tubes, fear of the heart-lung machine, and fear of what life will look like after, and what kind of mom I can be. I am thinking of every one of you who posts, as I know we are all fighting our own battles, but would love to glean support and guidance from this forum. Thank you....

 

[pellicle]

Hi

Hi...This is my first post. I am 47 years old, and a mom to three young kids. I am scheduled for valve replacement and repair of the ascending aorta on April 3rd, .... I am terrified...for so many reasons...and still deciding between types of valves. It is so overwhelming. I have fears of making it through, fears of the breathing tube and chest tubes, fear of the heart-lung machine, and fear of what life will look like after, and what kind of mom I can be. .

firstly, take a deep breath, hold it a moment and let it out ... a natural relaxant

just really briefly (there's tons of details here anyway)

• totally don't be worried about all those things like the surgical things ... (breathing tubes, body tubes, machines) ... its not a horror movie, they're all there for your best outcomes. They don't hurt and you've had worse dreams than that experience
• its a lot to decided on in a short time so I recommend you accept what you do or don't know and just ask a few people here. The choices are realatively simple and the bottom line is all are good choices (well, except not having surgery, that's a bad choice)
• after surgery you'll most likely be back to better than before in a short time (like a few months) and you'll be a great and loving mum because you'll know so much more.

Best Wishes

 

[wynnn]

FINALLY, I have been approved to post! I am the “guest” who posted this and I’ve been wanting to say THANK YOU to everyone for their support and good advice.

Calliope how is everything? I hope your surgery went well and speedy recover

 

[Superman]

Hi...This is my first post. I am 47 years old, and a mom to three young kids..... I would love to glean support and guidance from this forum. Thank you....

First, welcome to this wonderful supportive community. I’ll throw out there that there are no stupid questions, so certainly ask about anything that concerns you.

You mention being a mom to three young kids. Assuming you gave birth to them (which isn’t guaranteed due to adoption, steps, etc), this won’t be harder than anything you’ve already been through.

I’m a father of five great kids, of which four were here and very young when I had my most recent open heart. I can say it would have been a lot harder without my amazing wife. I hope you have good support at home. That makes a big difference during recovery. Life after recovery is just life. I still coach teams for the kids. Go on family bike rides. Rough house. Take vacation (even while managing warfarin). Hike in the National Parks. Exercise regularly. Etc.

I’m 45. I’ve had two open hearts. Once when I was 17 and again when I was 36. If you saw me putting 22 miles on a spin bike in a one hour class, you would never know it. Or carrying my 55 lb son on my shoulders hiking up out of the Grand Canyon.

Before you know it, having heart surgery will be something you’ve been through, but you won’t feel like a “heart patient” every day.