Re-opening wounds (psychologically)

[Marguerite53]

Michelle. It's true about all the meds. They really could be contributing to your emotional havoc. I got curious and read over all the stuff from the hospital records and looked up all the meds they gave me. One of them (I have no idea which one -- who really cares at this point) was described as something that is also used as an elephant tranquilizer. An elephant tranquilizer!!! I laughed so hard I cried when I read that. I mean, where did these doctors find all this stuff? Were these blissful cocktails really all necessary? When was I ever going to get my faculties back? Now, I don't want to send you on a scavenger hunt through your medical records. Not this early in the game. But honestly -- they give us a ton of stuff! Most people here think that it takes at least 6 months for the meds alone to work their way out of your system. Then it takes a full year (longer for me) to actually feel "like yourself" again. And each of us is different with this. I think it's mostly about rhythm and endurance; they just get thrown off kilter for a really long time. So if you cannot gather your strength deep in side (whether or not you have a cause or a hobby makes no difference) it is quite possible that all these other things are affecting that. It really is just part of recovery. It is the part of recovery that doctors do not seem to understand, but we, here, really do. So the doctors will happily run you through every test imaginable; some that you need and perhaps some that you don't --because they don't really teach us much about recovery. We have to live through it to learn how to do it.

You keep coming here and keep letting us dissect all this stuff with you, okay? You use us. And please listen to us. Like I said, believe. it doesn't have to make sense to you. Just please believe us. You will get through this and you will find that strength you seem to have misplaced.

Don't worry about grad school. I don't know what you are studying, but you sound like a smart girl and I bet you can fudge your way through some of this stuff until you get more focused again. And if you can't; then you'll have to postpone things a bit. So what. Learning happens every day. Maybe you will learn something while you are waiting to regain your focus that you simply could not have otherwise learned. This is what it is.

All kinds of things happen in our lives that create change in our direction; our goals; our appreciations; even our sense of taste, our sense of style. This surgical event is less subtle than many of those. It is easy to try to pick it apart because it has so much substance to attack; to question. But you have to recognize that subtle things are always happening in your life that create change. Try to balance these varied influences in your mind.

You can do this.

Marguerite

 

[Michelle D]

I sucked it up and got a prescription for zoloft today. I met with my new PCP, and he is courteous to the fact that I hate pills, especially ones with many side effects. I think this will have the least amount of negative side-effects of the anti-depressants. He said it is also the best anti-depressant for panic and anxiety. Last night I was doing some school work and I had to read about the best treatments for depression, and a combination of medication and therapy is most successful. So screw it, I'll take 'em. Hopefully in two weeks I'll feel them working for me. He also pushed the pneumonia vaccine on me which is nurse gave me, this is good because I was procrastinating. I never electively get stuck with needles. He will give me the whooping cough and flu vaccines next time I see him.

I was thinking about things and perhaps the part of depression that involves lack of interest in activities that I used to find enjoyable may be wreaking havoc. Maybe I am still who I thought I was but because of depression I don't realize that I still enjoy painting, cartooning, and gardening. Thanks for listening. It helps to work things out like this, if I spent all day talking to my husband about how unpleasant everything it would drive him nuts, so thanks for letting me drive you guys nuts.

 

[Eva]

That is good step forward, Michelle.

We all hate pills and wish we could do without them. I could not go to the surgery without the Prozac. I hated to recommend it earlier because I did not want to be the one encouraging ADs knowing many people do not like even the idea. I personally felt strong mentally and emotionally and physically on it, and from my experience stay on it for a while. The ups and downs I mentioned in my first post were due to stopping it...I hated to be on it. But felt better after one week of retaking it. Until last October, I impulsively stopped it without weaning myself off it. So, that was when my lack of attention and inability to focus, etc. hit me the worst. Then I took it for 2 months last June or July and weaned myself off it and I am doing well on my own.

Good luck and I hope you get great relief quickly.

 

[Kathy McCain]

I have taken anti-depressants only once in my lifetime. The old Nortriptolyne. I had ACUTE tinnitus years ago. Thought I would really go mad! I took this med for a year, then decided it was time to get off. The only med I take for altering mood is the generic xanax, once in awhile to help me sleep. I do hope the anti depressant is only temporary. I feel that alot of Dr's are over medicating people these days. Be prudent about this please.

Good luck and take care

Hugs

 

[Michelle D]

Depression is not chronic so I will only be on it as long as necessary. I worry about the nausea. In the past these SRIs always made me nauseous but feeling more pleasure in life with nauseous sounds preferable to where I am now.

 

[Lynlw]

Michelle, I was thinking, don't forget you were in pretty bad shape going into surgery, trouble breathing, trouble sleeping, lots of fluid. and on top of all the normal post op issues, I think, (but could be rememberring wrong) that you also didn't get to quit smoking like you had planned to before surgery since they had to move it up. So you probably are also dealing with alot of the things people do when they first quit smoking especially if they try to quit cold turkey, like you pretty much were forced to do when they had to operate earlier.. JUST quitting smoking with out everything else you're dealing with can be very hard, which is why so many people have to try a couple times. and I'm sure dealing with how bad your nerves are, with out being to comfort your self by smoking, which I'm guessing you probably did before, makes it even tougher.
So your body has been dealing with all kinds of things from the shape you were in before surgery, the emotions it must have caused finding out your were so bad you needed life flighted, ect. then the surgery and recovery itself. Which alot of times if you are in bad shape going intto surgery, recovery can he a bumpier road. When you are talking to your doctors, you migt want to bring up all those other issues you are dealing with.

 

[Marguerite53]

I hope you will be getting counseling in tandem with the Zoloft. I believe those meds are most effective with professional guidance (and, you read this, too!). Please don't let the PCP poo-poo your desire to initiate or continue counseling. No one in their right mind would scoff at your wanting counseling after such an enormous ordeal as you've been through. This is great time to get the best of help all at once for yourself.

Glad to see that you are an action kind of gal!! Good move.

Best wishes.

Marguerite

 

[Michelle D]

I am getting counseling as well and the pcp encourages that. I'm worried that the Zoloft will make me nauseaous. I already am most of the time and have to force myself to eat, I know that's the most common side effect.

I was in rough shape before surgery. I do think that may have a role in my rough recovery. I was up late and I'm going to try to go back to sleep if possible.