Pre surgery depression/worries/weird thoughts

[LadyChicken]

My surgery to replace my aortic valve with a mechanical valve is happening in October 2017. I'm scared. I know that's normal. In fact, I know that everything I'm feeling is normal(to a degree), so why don't I feel normal? I'm thinking that maybe I need to go on an anti depressant just to shut out negative thoughts. Or maybe counseling? Has anyone else done this sort of thing? I'm reflecting on everything and thinking terrible thoughts. My husband seems so very calm about all of this and never talks about it unless he sees me looking distraught or teary eyed. Then he gets this look in his eye like "oh....****, woops! Forgot about the whole heart thing. Time to act concerned.". A tiny part of me thinks that maybe he'd be just a teeny tiny bit releived if the surgery didn't go well. Or maybe he'd be okay with dementia kicking in at age 60 due to the use of warfarin starting at 34. He would be able to have his cake and eat it too. No wife, but he'd have the kids and not have to worry about child support. Crazy thought, right!? Can you tell i watch a lot of dateline lol? So ya...maybe some counseling would help here. But, boy oh boy, I'd be tickled pink if he'd go with me or attend counseling himself to learn how to at least fake seeming more caring. But I guess you'd have to care to even think about that lol. I spend so much time researching every little bit of info I can on this surgery and overall condition, and he's spends time researching YouTube for dirt bike videos lol. Ugh. Maybe this is just an extra lonely night. In a way, simply sharing this shenanigans is therapy in itself. I sure hope I encounter a major shift in how I feel before the surgery.

 

[Warrick]

As a male I think its the male thing to do, keep calm and carry on and pretend like everythings fine, my wife had surgery yesterday for an ovarian cyst so I can understand both sides of your fence, men generally don't like to talk about their feelings and feel stupid when they do, I know I do a bit (maybe alot ).

And I don't mean this badly at all so I apologies but if your husband was a bawling wreck do you think this would help you feel better about it or would you then start blaming yourself and your heart?

And yip its all normal to feel this way but knowing that sure doesn't make it any easier to accept does it... it still sucks and its OK to feel this way, just don't let it eat you up.
I never researched anything prior to surgery and in a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't, ignorance was bliss

I had counselling after my surgery and antidepressants, its feels not fair when you are young and healthy and then you have to have surgery to "fix" something you can't see thats been there since birth, but those feelings do pass and life carries on

Services are available and I guess the best thing you could do is start by talking to a medical professional to get the ball rolling, I think make a start now because for me I found that its quite an emotional roller coaster after surgery , as you said sharing this with others even if its not your husband does and will help!

 

[pellicle]

Hi

My surgery to replace my aortic valve with a mechanical valve is happening in October 2017. I'm scared. I know that's normal. In fact, I know that everything I'm feeling is normal(to a degree), so why don't I feel normal?

Probably because while its normal for these circumstances you yourself have never been in these circumstances.

So it feels strange (and should)

You'll do fine, what you need to do is keep talking to friends and family, or to us here... Don't bottle it up

dementia kicking in at age 60 due to the use of warfarin starting at 34.

​​​​​​ I've never heard of that, but you could always fake it ;-)

While you are researching on a quiet night, take a read of my blog

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/search/label/INR

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/search/label/"Heart Valve Replacement"

Best Wishes

 

[cldlhd]

It is normal to not feel normal under these circumstances, as was said previously. I definitely felt "off" before surgery and also for a bit after but now 2.5 years later I feel 'normal'. As for the dementia thing I'm not on warfarin so can't speak to that but I do feel my short term memory isn't quite as good probably due to the pump head . It isn't bad and it might not be related and I definitely use it when I fall into the classic not listening male.

 

[LondonAndy]

I sometimes think that those of us who had this procedure as an emergency are somewhat luckier than those who know for a long time that they are going to have to go through it. Although I had shortness of breath for a few months, and was starting to know from tests that I had a calcified aortic valve, I had no real time to worry - had a "funny turn" at home which I thought was a heart attack (though fortunately turned out not to be), and from then to the surgery was a week later, with a battery of tests in between to distract me. I am also a very pragmatic person - there was no point in worrying about it: I had to have it done or I would die.

I joined this site afterwards, to see what I needed to think about!

So perhaps try to focus on how good it is that you have been diagnosed before having some sort of funny turn of your own, which of course might happen whilst in a dangerous place such as when driving, and how much better you will feel afterwards. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - it is not what I intend - just positive for the future.

 

[dick0236]

. Or maybe he'd be okay with dementia kicking in at age 60 due to the use of warfarin starting at 34..

Where did you hear, or read, this?? I've been on the stuff since I was 31 and I'm 81......and as sharp as a tack......well almost.:coolhank:

I visit weekly with people in the hospital pre and post OHS and your feelings are very normal. There is something terrifying about heart surgery even tho doctors will tell you that many other surgeries are much more difficult.

Sometimes men have to take the "big boys don't cry" attitude when it comes to the problems of others. Nobody can fully understand your fear unless they have "been there, done that".......so feel free to come on here with your questions and concerns regarding surgery and recovery.

 

[dornole]

I've done both meds and counseling, not about heart stuff but there's all kinds of depressed and disordered thoughts a person can have. Fun for everyone!!

Don't know your hubs, and possibly he's a jerk, but reading between the lines it sounds like you yourself think some of your feelings are distorted and unnecessarily dark about your heart problem and/or his response to it. If you're having a bad day today that's one thing. If you think MOST days that your family would be glad to see you go, either you need to escape them promptly (LOL), or (more likely) you're clinically depressed. This can color everything you see and think and make life crummy. It's at least as likely that your hubs is just not that worried about your surgery because he knows intellectually that the prognosis is excellent and eight weeks leading up to surgery is a lot of life to sacrifice to worry. He'll get there . . . When I had my medical crisis (heart failure during pregnancy due to the valve, I was 35), my hubs stayed very calm, even inside, until the staff asked didn't I want to kiss me GOODBYE as they wheeled me into the OR. He says he worried internally then, though I still couldn't tell. I assumed he was staying calm for me, we are stoic people and that's just how we roll. But then in the surgery waiting room, when one of the staff (thoughtlessly) was watching on the monitors and said something like "yikes, that looks like a 50-50% chance of survival," he screamed like he was being pierced with a sword (my sister was on the phone with him.) He cares a lot, he's just practical and naturally judges risks at a rational rather than worried level most of the time.

So - depression. I've tried counseling and never found the right therapist yet, but I have found meds to be helpful as well as a lot of self-help stuff (meditating, gratitude journal, reading self-help books, time outside walking in nature every day, listening to music, eating fewer carbs, staying busy with work, etc). I am happy to share titles I found helpful. There's a couple of depression / heart specific books people have recommended here as well.

Do try some things to cut through your mood now, and seek medical help if you don't make progress in a few days of effort. It definitely sounds like your thoughts are no fun. Self-help books or therapy can help you learn to acknowledge them and move them along to make room for more balanced, realistic ones. Hugs.

 

[LadyChicken]

Thanks so much to those of you who took your time to respond! Yes, I was definitely having a bad week; no, my husband isn't too bad at all lol. I think it's one of those "do we have what it takes to make it to the end of time?" type deals, and I often wonder how he really feels about me, us, everything. We had a good chat, though, and he says he doesn't think too much about the changes and surgery ahead because it does nothing good. I said, oh I know....but I think about it regardless and it'd be nice if the two of us could research options together (options being mechanical or bio). In any event, this, too, shall pass. I just keep reminding myself of that.

 

[LadyChicken]

So a few things I wanted to respond to(not a clue how I respond to individual posts /responses).

The dementia thing: Lots and lots of links I'm sure I could provide, but, instead, just type in "warfarin dementia" and you'll have lots to read. Scary stuff!

I took the advice of many of you and called my doc and asked to schedule another sit down to discuss options and things I could do or take in the meantime to cool my jets. No response yet, but I'll give it a few days.

@****, I love reading that you're 81! Makes me feel extremely hopeful for the future!

@​​​​​dornole, it's refreshing to read experience from another woman and your response was really helpful! You say you were pregnant when you had heart failure, was this when you first learned you had an issue with your valve? I was pregnant with my second when I found out I had a bicuspid.

@lo​​​​​ndonAndy, I think you hit the nail on the head. A massive part of me wishes I knew about this many many years ago. I keep saying I'd feel better if only I had more time to adjust to the idea. But....I'm a worrier (shocking, right lol?) and so I think maybe it worked out how it should have. I'm glad I avoided a "scary tell", so I can't really complain too much.

@cldhd, how did you avoid warfarin?

@pell​​​​​icle, thanks for your kind words and links to your blog!

@warric​​​​​k, haha, do you know what's really messed up? Yes! I think I'd actually do better if my husband was a total bawling wreck lol. Horrible, right? But let me explain lol: For whatever reason, I tend to suck it up and plow through the emotions when I know someone is relying on me for support. If I see someone struggling I instinctively shut out my own feelings toward the situation and focus on the other person. Now here is the ah-ha moment, and your comment made it happen....maybe that's what my husband is doing to a degree. Sucking it up so that one of us is sane. We have two young kids, so it's entirely possible.

 

[dick0236]

The dementia thing: Lots and lots of links I'm sure I could provide, but, instead, just type in "warfarin dementia" and you'll have lots to read. Scary stuff!


@****, I love reading that you're 81! Makes me feel extremely hopeful for the future!

The first thing to remember about "warfarin dementia" is that the vast majority of folks on warfarin are seniors, and often very elderly.......so they are prone to conditions like dementia...... with, or without, being on warfarin. After 50 years on warfarin I am no longer the sharpest knife in the drawer due to age......not warfarin. If you want to stay away from dementia........don't live to be 150, 'cause it'l probably happen if you live long enough. The "what ifs" will drive you crazy, pre or post surgery, if you let 'em:confused2:.

 

[dornole]

Hey ladychicken, yes, during my twin pregnancy (I had three prior ones) was the first inkling there was any issue with my valve. I had mitral stenosis so that caused pulmonary edema (from rheumatic fever they say though we didn't know I had that either). So, went from being admitted to cardiac ward to another hospital via ambulance to delivering the twins at 27 weeks all within 24 hours. Quite a wild ride.

 

[carolinemc]

LadyChicken, never heard of this Coumadin Dementia. I am a type 2 diabetic, so that tells you something. Am on Coumadin(warfarin) and am 52 years young and still sane. It is with age and other health factor for dementia. Just relax and enjoy things until surgery. You will be fine. Hugs for today.

 

[Carnelian]

I am sorry to hear about your worries. I am a very big worrier even when others tell me not to worry.
My family is only 1 sister, No wife.
I take an anti depressant med that helps my anxiety or at least enables me to cope with it.
Your husband sounds very laid back. Has he ever had major surgery? If not then that would partly explain.
We don't know about your marriage so I cannot comment more.

 

[cldlhd]

Sorry I haven't responded as I've been busy and haven't been on here much. I'm not on warfarin as my valve was repaired not replaced.

 

[Eva]

LadyChicken,

what youre going through is very normal! I knew I would need surgery since I was 19, yet the news it was time for surgery fell like a bomb over me and I cried my heart out driving back from the cardio' office.
As said before, men don't show their real feelings, and probably to show us strength! At least this was the case with y husband...he was concerned, went with me to all the surgeons I interviewed, to labs, etc. but when I cried, I cried alone! This is why we're here...this website is from heaven! Vent out all that is inside you, as we, alone, can feel what you're going through.
There's no proof about warfarin and dementia!

Good luck...keep writing and venting!

 

[drivetopless]

Totally understandable how you are feeling-- OHS is scary but doable. And we don't have any control or choice when it gets to that point. I think Warrick is right about the guys thing -- most handle emotions in a different way. He is being strong for you or maybe doesnt know what to say to comfort you.

But maybe I can offer hope for your future. I am 6 years after a value replacement at age 47 and I feel FANTASTIC. I home test my INR and warfarin maintenance is no big deal. Before surgery I was out of breath and tired. I couldnt drag myself upstairs without needing a rest. I was tired and emotional because of how crummy my bad valve made me feel (maybe you are a little, too?) I can honestly say my VR was the best thing I did for myself, though I really didn't have a choice. I would do it again for the same result.

Try to focus on how your quality of life and energy is going to improve--you have a lot to look forward to, girl! Your life expectancy is going to return to normal. There has never been a better time in history to have a valve replacement than NOW with all the advancements. There are so many good things about medical technology and you are going to benefit! I wish you the best with your VR. Your worries are valid, but don't forget the blessings on the other side.

 

[Eva]

I forgot to add that it's ok to ask your family doctor for anxiety/depression pill. When I got home from the cardio's office, I made an appointment right away with my doctor. He put me on 10 mg of prozac until I went through the surgery which relieved my tension and anxiety, and thus helped me focus better on which surgeon and what questions to ask.

Good luck. After the surgery you'll feel much better. I myself, after my surgery, I regretted all the times I wasted on anxiety!