ticktock>>
Maybe we should ALL have lists like that. =) I recognize myself in more than a few of those....
Yaps>>
Before surgery I had a few big bouts of depression, mostly feeling terrible about dragging my family through everything that I was going through. It was tough because while I knew for myself that I could handle ANYTHING that was put in front of me, I didn't like the idea of putting my family through the same kinds of things, or having to watch them watch me go through it all. In some sense, I would have prefered they kept their distance while I was preparing for surgery and doing all the testing. It was my "cross to bear" not theirs...
I guess that's a pretty selfish thing. They were dealing with it with me because they loved and cared for me and knew how sick I was and where that could very well have been headed. They had their own fights to fight and I was too wrapped up in my own struggle to see it at the time. That's Ok though.
Afterwards I had a different kind of depression. While I was elated to be alive and sucking in air on my own (with some oxygen for a while) I was aware of the life altering experience I was going through, of the significance of what had happened, of what course my condition had taken and the probable (???) outcome. When I got home, I had some trouble dealing with a sense of "dumbness." There were a lot of things, memory and cognitive function, that I had lost for a while as a result of the surgery and prolonged time in pICU and it took most of a summer for that to fade. Now I'm a lot better with things, no medication, however there are times when I get hard on myself because of my newest limitations and the greater effort I have to put in to take care of myself on top of responsibilities I have to my immediate family (wife and son) and the less "unique" problems of not having the greatest income and other job related crap...
There's so much I want to be able to do, so much I NEED to do, but yet I have a lot of it on hold right now because I simply don't have either time or the space or the resources. I have to believe that in time, it will come back around, but for now I push through with what I have.
I was never bothered by my condition, I was born with it, guess that makes me lucky in a way. I've never known any different. I click now, but that's about the only real obvious change besides the new scars on my torso. my diet hasn't changed that much besides getting healthier. I never drank much so that wasn't hard to give up. Non-smoker all my life. I'm still active, not as much as I want to be but that's just because I don't have the time right now (see the previous paragraph)
If it's getting really hard on you, seek out help from your doctor. it may be as simple as taking an anti-depressant. You might benifit from some counseling or a support group of some kind. In many ways, you're in one right now by being a member of this forum.
We're all hear to help and support each other and we've all been through it.
Personally, I've always found taking time to appreciate small stuff helps my mood a lot. On the next warm, clear night, go sit outside and look at the stars for a while, maybe lay out a blanket or just stand, whatever's comfortable. Look at the stars and the sky. Try not to think about your heart beat or anything else related to your heart, take in the sight before you and focus on that for a while.
I love doing that, always have. I'll go out and stand in the driveway at 2 in the morning (or later) on a warm summer night and take a few deep breaths, closing my eyes and just listening to the night. I might stretch out my arms or lay out on the driveway that's still warm from the sunlight of the previous day.
I know not everyone can do this (some don't have driveways) but the premise is the same, take a moment or two just to BE and experience what's around you outside when it's quiet. Night's the best time to do it, less distractions and people probably won't notice you as much standing their like an idiot doing absolutely nothing! =)
When you go to an appointment or have some proceedure (especially something like an MRI) you can draw your mind towards that experience you had and maybe "relive" it to some degree. That helps too.
Most importantly, talk to people you feel comfortable with and let them know how you feel. The people closest to you will listen for as long as you need them to.
