Marital issues...

[debster913]

Hi, all--
Sorry I haven't been around much lately--I've been trying to sort out a lot in my head. I don't know if this is really the place to air my personal business, but you've all been so good to me throughout my surgery, and coming to realize that I'm not the "only one" to be there, do that, maybe some of you can share insight into what I've been feeling lately...

Since my surgery, I've taken a long, hard look at what I want from life. My cardiologist's words were like an epiphany to me when he said, "Go live now, you have a bright future ahead of you." Since then, I've contemplated everything from my career to my marriage. I like my job, and it's been a struggle lately with grading and trying out new meds (Dr. V took me off atenolol and I'm now on Betapace, which is working very well).

My marriage is another story. I've been with Mike for nine years (married for four years), and we've had a really rough time since practically day one of our marriage. He was laid off two months after we got married, was unemployed/depressed for over a year, which really put a strain on us emotionally/financially/etc., then my grandmother died a year later, which threw me for a loop emotionally...then I got sick with my valve this spring, and as soon as I got better, Mike's back started bothering him again. He has an inflammed disk, and has been getting treatment for it. Needless to say, our romantic life is virtually nonexistent, and has been that way for quite some time (even before my valve failed in April).

I recently ran into an old male friend of mine from college...he's a professor now at the school where we both went, and I've been talking to him. We've even had dinner together to discuss graduate school (for me). I'm feeling greatly confused because I liked him years ago, he liked me too, and I think I still have feelings for him. I'm afraid I will have an affair with him. I've expressed this to Mike, and I assured him that nothing will happen. Yet, at the same time, I'm drawn to this other man and wonder what it would be like to develop a relationship with him. This scares me because of what it says about my committment to my husband and myself as a person. For the record, neither of us has cheated on the other.

I think all this comes from the loneliness I've felt lately, that the spark is gone from my marriage, that until Mike feels better, we can't do anything physical, and I feel so bad because I expected him to understand that when I was the ill one this spring.

I'm scared and confused. Any advice?

Debi

 

[twinmaker]

Debi, I'm certainly not a marriage counselor, but I have been married for almost 35 years. There have been a lot of trying things going on in your life for the last few years, and I would suggest seeking some counseling for both you and your husband. Sometimes we just can't handle things or figure them out on our own and talking with a professional can really help. I would suggest that you not put yourself in the position of seeing this other man from your past. I definitely think this would complicate your situation. Remember, you have taken the first step in realizing there is a problem and asking others for help. I really think that talking with a professional is the way to go. Hope this helps a little, and please let us know how you are doing. LINDA

 

[geebee]

Debi,

There is a list somewhere of the stress levels of various life altering situations that happen to us. Loss of job, major illness/injury, loss of a loved one are all way up on that list. Going through those things is not a time of life to be making major changes and adding to the stress levels.

This person you are seeing represents a path that does not include the painful issues you have had to deal with. It's like running away from the bad things and that is something that can't be done. It might postpone confronting but it will not make them go away.

I am not saying that you may not have a life outside the one you have now. Maybe your marriage will not survive but, while you are still married, adding another problem (such as infidelity) will not solve the issues you are facing and will only make things worse.

Put the relationship with this other man aside. Try to get some counseling to determine whether your marriage is able to be saved. Move forward from there on the path you and your husband agree is best.

I will pray that you find peace and your determination leads you to happiness.

 

[dj/utvolsfan]

Debi,
Post ohs depression is common. You've both been through a heck of a lot. You dated Mike for 5 years and have been marrried for 4.....what were the things you loved about Mike when you married him? Had life not gotten in the way, would you still have the same feelings for him? Is there any way his back issue is going to be resolved and you'll get your old Mike back if you're patient? If you both have open hearts, marriage counseling is a possible solution. I'm not one to give marital advice that is for sure, but I just wouldn't rush into anything with the professor or anyone else for that matter until you've done a ton of soul searching over a long period of time and have tried to rekindle what you once had with Mike. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sometimes, yes , but often time there is a heck of a lot of crab grass out there as well.
Take your time!
Debbi

 

[hensylee]

If you are toying with the idea of an affair, you have pretty much made up your mind that it is going to happen. Actually, by seeing this man and having dinner together is already 'cheating'. If you think you have troubles now, wait til you add the new ingredient to the match. Being 'in love' is like a drug, makes you feel better about yourself and your problems. What you are going through at home is going to go right along with you in so many ways. Why in the world are you thinking of throwing away 9 years of your life when you might be able to recapture what you had with your husband in the first place? Take a deep breath and think a whole lot more, give yourself and your husband the attention you are giving someone else and see what happens. I saw nothing in your post to suggest that you are being mistreated by your husband or that he is a terrible person. You can never go back once you take this step you are contemplating. You must sort out things or you might make a big mistake. Try to find the green grass on your side of the fence - the grass on the other side might be only green paint.

On the other hand, this might be the love of your life. None of us can say because we are out here looking in and don't know many real facts. I just think there's more to it than what we read.

My post might sound harsh. It probably is, but I went through an awful divorce and if we had been able to ride out the storm we might still be a family and our grown children would not have had to give up their parents as a couple. I wish you all the luck in the world. Blessings to you, it might all work out happily. I am a very happy person now, living single all these years, and my divorce was probably the best step I ever took.

 

[Karlynn]

The recommendation for counseling is an excellent one. A good therapist can help you sort through all this. The recommendation to not see this old friend is another excellent on. It's kind of like someone offering you a free trip to the Caribbean right now. It may make you forget the extent of your problems for a while, but it doesn't make them go away and your "absence" may make the problems worse in the long run. If by chance this old friend is meant to be in your life, you'd want to know that it's nothing to do with escaping any of your issues you have now.

Best wishes.

 

[Superbob]

Mike's Back

Mike's Back

Debi,

You've gotten some really great advice from the ladies who've responded on here. Thought I'd add just one thought from a guy's perspective -- specifically about Mike's back. In the year before I found I would have to have OHS, I had a severe back problem -- spinal stenosis. It was so bad I couldn't even walk a block without having pain in the lower back and legs that forced me to sit down. There was talk of surgery, or regular epidural pain shots. But a pain doctor referred me to a wonderful physical therapist who taught me exercises and other techniques that have cleared up the problem so well I can now take long hikes again and handle other physical challenges. Maybe aqua therapy or some other treatment would be helpful for Mike.

My point is that you both have been through some tough physical difficulties that can bring on or aggravate depression. But there are ways to overcome the problems for both of you. The future can be bright for both of you together, as a family. Don't give up too easily.

All best wishes,

 

[marky]

Debi

I understand the epiphany feeling and thoughts of making some drastic changes.. I too am in the midst of that.
However..
as for the marriage issue.. lots of good advice has already been posted.
I just want to CAUTION you.. Altho' there is no crime in having dinner, or opening up a conversation with this 'friend'.. it sets the ball rolling down a slippery slope..that could lead to much unnecessary pain for both you and MIke.

Instead..maybe you and your husband could plan a special getaway.. just to enjoy each other and start things over fresh and new. My marriage has taken a beating this past year, and my OHS and complications really added to the the mix.. But (this is from my life) We are committed to each other, and want to make it work even tho' ending it would be easier at times.

I hope that you and Mike can find some time to make each other a priority again..and enjoy today..and each other.

 

[Ross]

26 years of marriage here and I can say that it has not been easy at all. We've been faced with numerous challenges and have watched many a couple we know divorce. Some of them 2 and 3 times now. We started with nothing and due to the ongoing and never ceasing poundings we get, still have nothing 26 years later, except each other.

Deb I've been in a similiar circumstance. Don't do it and don't go there. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. It may look like something to you now, but once across, it could be a sewer and not grass at all.

 

[EVELYN]

Hi Deb

I'm usually not the advice giver, but I definitely would add this to what everyone has said.

No one is a saint, everyone goes through temptations in life. What I've always said is this....."How would I feel if Tyce (my husband) did this to me?!" If it is an "ok," then it's fine, but if you have that little bit of twinge in your gut, then please think twice about it.

Enough said, because you'll make your own mind up anyway.

Good luck.

Evelyn

 

[WendyD]

Hi Deb

Hi Deb

Just to add to all the wonderful advice you have already received,
I don't believe that anyone should make such a life changing decision so soon after OHS without really giving your marriage a really good try.
My husband Ernie had dreadful anxiety attacks and depression post op and it took many months for him to settle, that itself puts incredible stress on your relationship.
Definately get some counselling,and give yourself time to get your head round your OHS.
Take time out to be with each other, maybe together find a new hobby ?
Marriage is not 2 people looking at each other , but 2 people looking together in the same direction.
Wishing you both all the very best
Ernie & Wendy

 

[Karlynn]

The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. It may look like something to you now, but once across, it could be a sewer and not grass at all.

Or as the title of an Erma Bombeck book "The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank."

 

[Debster]

So true Karlynn!

Hey Deb!
I am so sorry you have these issues...like everyone else, I think counseling is the way to go-even if you go just for yourself. My brother in law's wife took off after 13 years of marriage and a daughter so she could date other people(she married at 18) Well, turns out she "made a mistake" after a year and wanted him back-but he said too bad, he could never trust her again. He was devestated when she left, and is basically raising their daughter alone. I think when we are struggling it is SO easy to think that other situations are much better than our own...when in truth every situation or person has problems and issues too.
Best wishes Deb, I pray all works out for you Deb

 

[susieq14]

Deb,
As many of the others have said, I'm not a professional counselor but just speaking from 31 years of married life. I strongly recommend that either you and Mike or just you give counseling a chance to save your marriage. From the little that you have said here I get the feeling that your marriage is important to you. The fact that you are asking for advice tells me that you want to make your marriage work. The fact that you told Mike about your old friend tells me that you want him to know the pain that you are in and are reaching out to him. Continue to keep the lines of communication open with Mike and don't continue to see your old friend until you give Mike and your marriage a chance. Although I have not had OHS yet, I can imagine how life changing it is for a person since just being diagnosed with a heart problem has been so overwhelming to me. You have not had enough time to deal with your diagnosis and OHS to boot and If I recall from some recent posts you have had a tough few months going back to work and even wound up in the ER in early October. You're in a fragile state right now and unfortunately it appears that Mike is in now in a bad spot health-wise. Of course Mr. Old Friend looks appealing at the moment. Together you & Mike need to work this out on your own without any interference or distraction from someone else.

I don't mean to sound corny but we have to take the good with the bad in any relationship but especially in marriage. As so many of us said on our wedding day for better or for worse, in sickness and health

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I sincerely hope that you can find the happiness of the past

Take Care!
Susie

 

[Dennis S]

My opinion:

My opinion:

I have beem married for 37 years, and practiced law for the last 30 years. Based on my personal experience, as well as what I observed as an attorney in some very difficult situations-every secret between married people is a wedge of separation. These wedges are toxic, they make you sick and cause suffering-period. The amount of suffering depends on the type of secret. You are dealing with a very harmful type of secret. I am afraid you are in danger of causing yourself great harm.

I believe other members have given you very good advice. I think you should follow it. But if you go against this good advice, do yourself a favor-don't kid yourself as to what you have decided, and be honest with your husband. No matter who you are with, you will always see your own face in the mirror.

 

[debster913]

Thanks all for your advice. I have also seen how infidelity can destroy marriages--it did for a close friend, but that's a whole different story for another time. I would never cheat on Mike, but opportunity has presented itself, and I realize it's best we seek counseling. I won't see this friend I mentioned, and I need to connect again with Mike. After having had conversations with my professor friend, I've come to realize that I'd be exchanging one man with all his issues for another who has just as much emotional baggage. I have already accepted my hubby for who he is, he has never given me reason to doubt him, and I feel like a total jerk for even considering being with someone else!

I don't want to have come off as shallow, but this was the first time I'd genuinely been tempted by another man. I need to resolve all my own issues first.

 

[catwoman]

Deb:

I'm glad to see your post and what you've decided.

And, yes, you're right, you'd be exchanging one man for another and probably find that your life is not improved. And maybe even worsened.

Hope this analogy gives you a chuckle:
I have a nearly 13-year-old Persian spay named Pretty Girl. We joke that she thinks the next bowl of cat food is better than hers. She has taken up residence in our bedroom & sleeps with us at night.
When we open the bedroom door, Pretty Girl bolts out, searching for another bowl of food, thinking the next bowl is better than hers. She hunkers down for about 5-10 minutes, then realizes it's the same darned food.
Then she moves on to someone else's food bowl. Same thing happens.

It's amusing thinking about cats. But not so when you think about uprooting your life and those of your loved ones.

 

[hensylee]

yea for you. Temptation, get thee behind me? We are proud of you.

 

[Ross]

Thanks all for your advice. I have also seen how infidelity can destroy marriages--it did for a close friend, but that's a whole different story for another time. I would never cheat on Mike, but opportunity has presented itself, and I realize it's best we seek counseling. I won't see this friend I mentioned, and I need to connect again with Mike. After having had conversations with my professor friend, I've come to realize that I'd be exchanging one man with all his issues for another who has just as much emotional baggage. I have already accepted my hubby for who he is, he has never given me reason to doubt him, and I feel like a total jerk for even considering being with someone else!

I don't want to have come off as shallow, but this was the first time I'd genuinely been tempted by another man. I need to resolve all my own issues first.

Well if you ever change your mind, I'm available.

 

[Blanche]

Deb:
Be happy for your self and proud of your strength. Temptations happen in all of our lives and our thoughts sometimes outpace reality. Remember, temptations, thoughts, and even desires have no morality. It is acting on them which brings up imorality and often disaster. You had concerns and took the first steps to help you clarify your situation. I applaude you for your courage to face your situation and seek information and guidance. You are a real winner.
Congratulations,
Blanche

PS> You were a conflicted person. There are no jerks here!!!!!