Marital issues before surgery and some thoughts for patient and spouse

[Bionic Man]

When I was nearing surgery my wife mentioned the "D" word for the first time in our marriage. (14 years at that point) We rarely ever fight but for a while we fought quite a bit. I've been thinking about it a lot and thought others probably experience similar things so I thought I'd try to explain what it was in our case that caused this. I don't mean to trivialize it by putting it in bullet points but for me to remember anything I need to itemize it...

She thought:
1) my wife was VERY afraid and thought I was giving up or just waiting to die (her mother and father died young)
2) she didn't understand why for a long time I hadn't been exercising or trying to get fit before things got really bad
3) she thought she'd rather the boys not see me "give up" and that she'd rather they were'nt around me when I was allowing myself to die.
4) she was upset and frightened of losing me and was trying to make sure I didn't like hearing me complain because deep down it increased her fear

I thought:
1) I was more afraid of the surgery and possibilities than actually dying
2) I was in shock and wasn't thinking rationally
3) (subconsciously) I was depressed and it was easy to think of #1
4) I complained a lot because I was scared
5) I kept fantasizing that there was a way out, or that surgery could be postponed

In retrospect I don't blame my wife at all and rather in fact I'm sort of glad she smaked me in the face a bit. I'm still not happy we had those moments which were pretty bad... I was depressed and could have taken the low road and pushed things to the brink because of my feeling sorry for myself. << SO I'M NOT RECOMMENDING HER APPROACH >> I hope you can talk about these things before it gets to the point of confontation.

The solution for us seemed to be:
1) (COMMUNICATION) I explained my massive phobia to her and she explained where she was coming from. To really communicate one person has to listen until the other is completely done without interjecting, then the other says their piece. Any other variation has a chance to end up in an argument... at least it was that way for us.
2) I tried to complain less
3) I tried to make plans for after surgery and scheduled holidays away with the family in advance
4) Tried to keep any "just-in-case" planning stuff under the radar or at least not talk about it much
5) She promised to be more understanding of my fear
6) When she did catch me complaining she'd give me a hug because she knew I was feeling scared
7) She came to my doctor appt and talked to my doctor and he helped her realize I had been much sicker than either of us knew which was kind of a wakeup for both of us.
* 8) She logged in here and asked some questions (that was the real turning point) -THAT WAS A HUGE HELP!!-


After surgery things weren't done. I was on cloud 9 for a while as my recovery was going well but later I found myself moderately depressed... My Doc said everyone gets depressed at some point after surgery except those who are 90 or older. Then he joked about that it was probably because they were just so glad to be alive. I was certain I wouldn't get depressed but later I found out he was right about the depression.

The root of my depression after surgery seemed to be:
1) lots of attention before, during and after surgery until people think you're ok then NOTHING
2) reality/work hits again with no additional respect or considerations
3) you feel loved when people serve you, suddenly when you can do pretty much everything again you don't get that feeling any more
4) STUPID PAIN KILLERS (wonderful but nasty things... painkillers sometimes connect you to bad thoughts and things you'd otherwise not contemplate) When i gave these up I felt MUCH happier... of course sleep is important too so pace yourself on weaning off the heavy duty painkillers.
5) Work and other things you thought were important before suddenly don't seem to matter. After surgery and time off work there is a tremendous desire to live in the moment. Work suddently does not satisfy you in this instance. It's difficult to commit yourself fully to work when you really would rather be planning a day on the lake or a trip around the world. For those who's work is their identity this is a hard transition and it's painful at times to go back to working.

How I got over depression:
1) stopping the pain killers
2) EXERCISE! (made a world of difference)
3) getting over my new need for being special and just being happy with trying to live in the moment more often

Well, that's my attempt at playing armchair-psychologist... I don't know if it will help anyone else but I feel that I should put it out there. People are human and we get big feelings happening when lives are on the line. I honestly realize now that all of it was infinitely harder on my wife than on me. And as usual she was right about most things... I was being a wuss but had to get over that before I could really commit myself to healing. When all was said and done the surgery wasn't that bad and once I committed myself to being strong I had a good recovery.

I hope this information MIGHT help you avoid similar issues if you take the path that I took and perhaps it will help you having your eyes open in advance.

God bless you and your families!

David C

 

[Mary]

David,
Thank you for the thoughtful post. Your feelings, both before and after surgery, are ones that I sometimes experienced, and I imagine others did too.

 

[geebee]

Great post David - maybe should be a sticky.

People do very strange things when they are scared and this OHS thing tests even the strongest of us. I hope things are going well for you now and stay happy forever.

Take care.

 

[tobagotwo]

A very thoughtful post, with which many can identify. Many of us had a very tough time trying not to constantly talk about it with our spouses and friends, who very humanly get sick of hearing about it, no matter how much they cared.

The discussion of the many other nuances makes great sense in reviewing the time before surgery, and the distorting pressures that hit all concerned.

This site is a great place to get some of that out of your system. Everybody here gets it, about how much it takes over your thoughts sometimes (okay, most of the time).

Thank you for posting this.

 

[hensylee]

David, there have been several posts that should be set aside for reference for newbies here in VR. Yours is one of those and should be especially for those who have a spouse or SO - and children at home. It is so important for families to communicate what they are feeling, but is so difficult sometimes. Your thoughts would be an excellent post to point out some of the things we think of when our life is on the line - and it is. Blessins......

 

[catwoman]

David:

Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. Many of us have had those same thoughts, but have not voiced them or are not as eloquent as you.

 

[MikeHeim]

I had a lot of issues as well pre-op, but seemed to be for slightly different reasons and they took a slightly different course.

My primary issue was communication. The emotional roller coaster of the time leading up to surgery is unbelievable unless you?ve been on it, and it was certainly true that the waiting was the hardest part. I felt the need to seem strong and act like this whole surgery deal was ?just a little bump in the road?. I must have done a good job portraying this as it seemed to be the attitude of my fiancé and friends as well. Ridiculously enough, this angered me to no end as it made me feel like nobody cared. There were specific times were I really wanted to talk about it, but it seemed like an awkward thing to bring up. Instead, I would retreat to this site and post or just absorb as much as I could. In fact, this site was the only place where I felt like I could express my true feelings and that there would actually be someone who understood. My fiancé got really angry with me as she realized this and didn?t understand why I could open up to a bunch of strangers on the internet, but didn?t want to talk to her at all.

I also had a lot of issues related to exercise. My personal stress release is going running or going to the gym, but I suddenly was restricted from doing these things ? at least in the manner I was used to. Of course I was also in the midst of the most stressful period of my life, which made for a really bad combination. I started drinking more, feeling worse, and communicating even less. To be honest, I don?t think I could have spent much more time in the waiting room than I actually did (about four months) without things really going south.

 

[georgi]

Great words of wisdom
Thank you!

 

[harleygirl528]

Hi David,

Your post couldn't have come at a better time! I was diagnosed with my aneurysm on October 19 and since then my life seems to have been turned upside down,
You would think, naturally, that at a time when you are scared for your life and contemplating everything you might have a tendency to draw closer to your spouse...but instead it seems that I have at times taken out my frustrations and anger on HIM.....it doesn't make sense that I would lash out at the person who is trying the hardest to help me...but I have.

I am not proud of everything I have done and said in the last few months and I certainly wouldn't want my behavior lately to be my husband's last memories of me. I too have complained A LOT....didn't quite make the connection with the fear and complaining but it does make sense.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts David...it really made me think. I'll be "over the mountain" soon and hopefully things will improve in every aspect of my life, but I'll keep in mind the pitfalls that can occur post-operatively too.
Take care David and glad that things are better for you!