SASKIA
Member
Wow, I made it. Never has a year gone by so quickly and at times so agonisingly slowly.
I remember (it seemed like all of a sudden, and basically, it was) in October 2009 I could no longer breathe properly when I walked. Stairs would literally take a whole hour to recover from climbing. Tightness in my chest was ever present and I could feel my heart big in my body. It was oversized and I was aware of every extra bit of it.
Then it was surgery eve, miraculously in a private room (thank you God) with my Mum who had flown all the way from New Zealand to London two days before. Feeling that if I had the energy I might tie up those sheets and shimmy out the window... Mum had to go out for a while to get something to eat and I sat and watched home videos on my laptop, every now and then when I least expected it an icy bucket of realisation would pour over me; I was going to be cut open tomorrow.
And there were funny moments too; I remember waking up from the surgery and a dream of being in a desert where I had eaten all the sand. I was so thirsty but could not speak for the tube in my throat and my swollen lips. Mum was there, this I vaguely knew, and I wrenched my hand free of tight sheets to write in cursive hand in the air, 'I am really really really thirsty'. I remember it was so important that it be joined up beautifully (that is drugs for you :tongue2: ) Of course it would have made far more sense to write WATER! and of course, she had no idea what I was trying to say and we were both frustrated and upset trying to get the message.
And since then, I have met new family that I will keep in touch with always, discovered a love for dogs, become MUCH closer with my own family, had about 200 migraines, returned to work, had many hours of counselling which has been invaluable to me and which I recommend to everyone who has heart surgery.
I am beginning to learn patience with myself! and have more peace. I have more good days than bad now and can appreciate the small things in life.
All in all, what a year! I'm not sure how I feel about this first anniversary, but it has been nice to take the time to reflect.
Thanks for being there in the earlier months when I felt desperate and alone.
Saskia
I remember (it seemed like all of a sudden, and basically, it was) in October 2009 I could no longer breathe properly when I walked. Stairs would literally take a whole hour to recover from climbing. Tightness in my chest was ever present and I could feel my heart big in my body. It was oversized and I was aware of every extra bit of it.
Then it was surgery eve, miraculously in a private room (thank you God) with my Mum who had flown all the way from New Zealand to London two days before. Feeling that if I had the energy I might tie up those sheets and shimmy out the window... Mum had to go out for a while to get something to eat and I sat and watched home videos on my laptop, every now and then when I least expected it an icy bucket of realisation would pour over me; I was going to be cut open tomorrow.
And there were funny moments too; I remember waking up from the surgery and a dream of being in a desert where I had eaten all the sand. I was so thirsty but could not speak for the tube in my throat and my swollen lips. Mum was there, this I vaguely knew, and I wrenched my hand free of tight sheets to write in cursive hand in the air, 'I am really really really thirsty'. I remember it was so important that it be joined up beautifully (that is drugs for you :tongue2: ) Of course it would have made far more sense to write WATER! and of course, she had no idea what I was trying to say and we were both frustrated and upset trying to get the message.
And since then, I have met new family that I will keep in touch with always, discovered a love for dogs, become MUCH closer with my own family, had about 200 migraines, returned to work, had many hours of counselling which has been invaluable to me and which I recommend to everyone who has heart surgery.
I am beginning to learn patience with myself! and have more peace. I have more good days than bad now and can appreciate the small things in life.
All in all, what a year! I'm not sure how I feel about this first anniversary, but it has been nice to take the time to reflect.
Thanks for being there in the earlier months when I felt desperate and alone.
Saskia
