Impact on Marriage?

[KimC]

Hi,

For those with courage to be candid, how has confronting a life-threatening disease, symptom or procedure impacted your marriage?

I'm going through some unprecedented feelings at the moment. I actually "picked out" my husband's second wife, then told him who she was!

I also find myself envisioning a second life in Italy, sola. Isn't that sacrilegious?

Am I going crazy?

Thanks,

 

[hensylee]

However unlikely it is, Kim, I do think that when we face this life changing event we also think of the possibility that we could be one of those rare ones who don't come back. I took the opportunity to get all my legal affairs in order - I made my will, re-deeded my properties to my children (with life estate for me), put them on my bank accounts brought out my living will (the one that says give me pain med and keep me comfortable, but nothing else, if the question comes up). These were my personal choices because of my age and being single - others will be different because of age, marital status, etc. You can pick out the new wife, but he might not end up marrying her! lol -

We all need to do these things anyhow - just ask Bill and Mara, our in-house attorneys - so I don't think you are off-base giving it some thought. I think its normal

 

[Ross]

Kim your very close to being the replacement for Christina in the worrying department. Stop it now! You are going to be just fine. Your getting yourself all worked up and it's not helping you any. Time to release control-Listen up now, you can not control it so don't even try too.

As far as the marriage relation, when I was back from my vegetable state, I really felt like I wasn't going to make it. Nurses were pushing me and pushing me and no matter how hard they pushed, I fell back a couple of steps. I told my wife right in front of one of the nurses that I didn't think I was going to make it and that I just wanted to say goodbye. Of course my wife wanted to slap my head off and so did the nurse. I don't think either of them truly had a clue as to the absolute hell I was going through. My wife won't hear of this kind of stuff. As she's said before, "I married you in sickness and in health" so stop talking like that and start thinking positive thoughts.

You know my case wasn't the norm around here. I guess I'm trying to drive the point home that life will go on and so will you. You've got to relax yourself. I don't know what it will take, but you HAVE too.

Now that I have you good and mad at me, did you really want me to wait until Wednesday to call you? You might be on your way home!

 

[Mary]

Kim,

Actually, over the course of 30 years of marriage, I've picked Bob's new wife out several times! Funny thing is, as the years pass, the requirements for the new spouse are continually changing! So no, I don't think you're going crazy.

My heart problem has made me a tad bit less independent, and I would imagine my husband would respond with a "Thank Goodness!" I have always been somewhat of a rebel and just dared anyone to question my ability to do what I wanted. I was skydiving when the diagnosis was made, and that issue had been a bone of contention between us. I think when they discovered the valve problem Bob even said, "Good. Now I don't have to worry about you being killed skydiving!" He was willing to trade one for the other!

Honestly, our marriage has improved. I am more aware of how good my life is, and I live life in the here and now. I appreciate what I have, and I recognize the fragility of the future.

My husband is the most decent, considerate man I have ever known,and his outstanding qualities are more evident each and every day that we live with my valve problem.

Mary

 

[bvdr]

Kim, I prepared for the "what if?" very much like Hennyslee. Facing something like this intensifies other feelings as well. If you are unsettled or dissatisfied anyway with your life it might magnify those feelings.

My husband and I have always talked about what would happen to the other in the event of death. We have with the kids too. They know if one of us survives the other then it is perfectly fine to marry within the first year if that is what develops. They also know we want them to spend whatever inheritance they receive from us with our blessing for their happiness. We don't want any guilt there. We know them well enough that they wouldn't just outright waste it.

My husband's mother died of Hodgekin's disease when he was a young teen-ager. She knew far in advance that her end was coming. She picked out her "replacement".....a young widow that she thought would make a good wife and mother. She also arranged her own funeral including songs and text so it wouldn't be a problem for someone else to choose. Well, she did die and my father-in-law married the pre-chosen woman. Their marriage lasted until "death do part" but my husband or the other children never developed the fondness that his birth mother had envisioned. It just doesn't work well when one tries to manage another person's life.

As far as you in another life in Italy, "sola" (meaning solo?)....are you just trying to escape mentally? I would take care of getting better first and then deal with those feelings. When you arn't feeling well, sunny Italy does have a certain allure.

 

[Lois Lane]

Kim -
I visit this site to check on a far-away friend, but I do have experience as a recent cancer survivor - before my surgery I selected my husband's next wife - I called it the "Elizabeth Contingency" - needless to say it was a really good idea - Elizabeth prayed harder for me than the rest of my family - LOL!
So, have faith, all will go well and hey - pick a second wife candidate who also has faith....
Lois

 

[Marguerite53]

female to female, sounds normal to me!

female to female, sounds normal to me!

Kim,

Decided I had much to say on the subject so I sent you a private message. Sorry folks, guess my public courage needs more time!! Kudos to you, Kim for being so candid!!

Marguerite

 

[Ross]

Kim,

Decided I had much to say on the subject so I sent you a private message. Sorry folks, guess my public courage needs more time!! Kudos to you, Kim for being so candid!!

Marguerite

No secrets allowed! Everything must be made public or I'll get blamed for censoring.

 

[Karlynn]

First of all Kim....Italy...can I go too - PLEASE!!!!!!! Being the good Swedish-German that I am, I would live in Italy if I had a choice. We could rent a house in Tuscany and allow our husbands to visit occasionally. Our next-door neighbors will be a few very attractive, tall, dark Italian men with a passion for American women with heart problems. But alas, we will only be able to maintain a good friendship with them, because of our visiting husbands.

Now that I've proved I'm certifiable, I'll get serious (even though I was really quite serious in the first paragraph ) Our trip to Italy 3 years ago was the trip that 13 years ago, I never thought I'd be able to take, or be around to take. I let my husband know my thoughts, without getting really serious about it. I was afraid if I got serious, it might come true. But it was my way of letting him know what my expectations were. The entire time I was around my small children I had a lump in my throat. We were about to run straight into the great unknown. What you need to remember (and what I didn't consider 13 years ago) is that your Great Unknown will most likely be pretty familiar to the doctors taking care of you. They just need to find concrete information so that they know which playbook to use on you.

I think that the worst part is the waiting for answers. My husband's way of dealing with that was to just pretend nothing was wrong. Everyone had a wife that lay on the couch all day and couldn't walk 2 blocks away to her son's t-ball games. My way of handling it was to become depressed, thinking it was never going to get better. Fortunately God had other plans and he gifted some pretty marvelous doctors with the ability to do what I couldn't - fix me.

It's easy for us to say "You're going to be fine." (and we know you are!) But we also know what waiting can do to the mind. We can play some pretty good head games. In fact, maybe we should start a "Head Games" thread so members can check to see if they are average, or pretty creative when it comes to head games.

I wish we could be there with you to keep you positive, but I hope our posts are a good second.

You're going to be fine - after all, you need to be all "tuned up" for Italy!

We could go to Venice first!

 

[MelissaM]

Yep, heart surgery sure does have an impact. Pre-surgery, I was busy living my carefree single life. Now, for some reason, I have the urge to settle down and *gasp* perhaps marry someone??

Luckily, there is no one in my life right now to put that one to the test. . .

Hang on, but don't move on, quite yet.

 

[KimC]

Thanks, all. Food for thought.

Betty, you're not far from the mark. I'd say this experience has shone a SPOTLIGHT on the good, the bad and the ugly. One day we'll have virtual coffee (or tequila) and I'll tell you aaaaaaaaall about it! (Sola = fem. solo in Italian).

Ross, dude, next Tues. my heart will be injected with ergonovine under catherization. The cardio will try to reproduce a coronary vasospasm which COULD but probably WON'T cause a heart attack. I'm blessed to be able to afford the best man in the world to do this, but it's still a risk. I know they'll be ready for anything but also recognize that Medicine isn't perfect, and outcomes are not always predictable.

I need an answer though. They'll mainly be looking for vasospasm, aortic stenosis and perfusion defects. Depending on the outcome, I could continue under monitoring or become an immediate candidate for surgery. Given my spotty performance last July during child birth, no one, especially me wants the latter now but ... hey ... if it protects my life?

Having said that, I'm dealing with the anxiety by exercising, prayer, journaling and talking with a close friend, as well as my husband. Thanks for the kick in the patooty, though. I HAVE to wrap my head around this and breath deeply. Things ain't so bad, as you always remind me.

Karlynn, Tuscany sounds good. When do we leave?

Mary, thank you for the PM. I'm still digesting it.

And Marge, thank you for your candor, albeit private. It's good to know I'm not alone.

OK, I'm going to surf villas on the Tuscan coast.

Ciao,

 

[KimC]

P.s.

P.s.

Karlynn, Venice sounds great, too but I hear the tourists are awful.

 

[Shine_on_Syd]

godd for my marriage

godd for my marriage

, Its funny my marriage was not the best when I found out that I had to have heart surgery. When I picked out Beth Israel in NY (quite some distance from NH) I said that I would take the train down and come home myself. I didn't think my wife would come, she was upset with me, I don't have relatives anymore in NYC. I thought my wife would say
you're on your own bud". I would have asked my sis but she had total knee replacement the Dr. Stelzer said, no, you need her here.
When I called her from NY she said of course she would come. It turned out to be a very bonding and intimate addition to our marriage.
When that was decided then I had to come to terms with my relgiouslisty and spirituality. I hd to test me beielf in God and Jesus before I went under. Agins my wife was most supportive and we had the minister over for dinner and we all had a long talk.
On our way down to NY I misread the train time and we were stuck from midnight till 2:00 am in South Station Boston. And we planned my funeral. Before then I had even drive my wife to a cemetrary to show here a tombstone I liked with
My heart was healed in more than one way from the surgery - it was great for the marriage

 

[Chip]

It's Normal

It's Normal

Kim...
It's very normal to think that you might be the less then 1% who don't make it in the surgery and what will your spouse do without you. When my bride and I met our surgeon he gave us a bunch of things that could happen in the surgery and then he said and their is a very slight chance that you may die. HELLO!!!!!! I believe that will get anyone's attention.
I had 29 days notice for my surgery and my wife actually went to see a Dr Freud. She said it was the best thing she could have done given the stress we both were under. The Doc told her that you have to accept the possibility that however remote there was that chance that your husband would not survive. I got my affairs in order and kept working off the stress by working out. Yup the Doc gave me the OK to keep swimming (but do less laps) and believe it or not the day before my surgery, I did 13 laps in the pool. Yes I was extremely lucky not only to be healty enough to do that but more importantly to have my wife who was by my side every step of the way. Our marriage was strong to start with and it's even stronger now because we both know we have to cherish each other every second of every day.
One final thing to think about and it's a little poem that a friend gave me that I probably said several hundred thousand times before my surgery...
It goes like this..
When the tide of life turns against you...
and the currents upset your boat...
don't worry about things that might have been...
just lie on your back and float....
Hope all this helps and as Ross said...stop worrying..you will be fine.
Chip

 

[Birky]

marriage

marriage

It is tough situation on both. We knew in December that it was a possiblity the surgery would be done but opted to do angiogram and TEE after the holidays. Then had to wait to see the surgeon and 3 weeks later the surgery. My husband tends to bury his head when he doesn't want to deal with something. Like maybe it would go away. Found out that it doesn't. He was very lonesome when I was in the hospital which was 70 miles away. I used to not tell him things when the kids were growing up to avoid having to deal with him and the problem. After a lot of counseling, we have slowly mended things. I tell him everything and let him deal with it in his own way. He was brought up a lot differently than most of us. I finally got to a point 3 years ago that it was either shape up or one of us was leaving. Depression is a big problem for him and as long as he stays on the medication, he is fine. In some respects, it made him realize that I couldn't always be the strong one and it was time for him to do it. I could write a book but I am betting we all could. Not always easy but it was worth saving since we had 36 years invested in a marriage. Sickness of any kind is hard on everyone but keep in mind that it will get better hopefully.

 

[KimC]

I am reading and re-reading these posts up until I leave for Cleveland tomorrow AM. Thanks again.

God bless,
Kim

 

[Nancy]

Good luck, Kim!

 

[Karlynn]

May the Force be with you , VR Force that is!

Let us know the results as soon as you can.

Covering you in prayer!

 

[tobagotwo]

Probably too late to reach you before you leave, Kim, But I'll be rooting for you anyway.

Very best wishes,

 

[liamty]

who is next for me?????????

who is next for me?????????

From a different perspective, if Steve has had those thoughts I wish he'd share them with me!!! I need to start training my #2 ASAP!!!!!!!!