L
LA_Cruiser
New joke added at bottom: 4-22-03
2 new jokes added at bottom: 4-28-03
--------------------------------------------------------------
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news!"
"The good news is Saddam is still alive."
"The bad news is he lost an arm."
------------------------------------------------------------------------>>>
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about
various things. One lady says, 'You know, I'm getting
really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top
of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down.'
The second lady says, 'You think that's bad? The
other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I
couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had
just woken up!'
The third lady smiles smugly. 'Well, my memory's
just as good as it's always been, knock on wood.'
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face,
she asks, 'Who's there?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to
get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in. 'OK, follow me.'
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into
a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
'Do you see that tree over there?'
'YES, YES, YES!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
'Well I didn't!'
---------------------------------------------------------------??????
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking
farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the
farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, 'Please,
sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't
had a good meal in several days.'
The owner says, 'I have made a fortune in my lifetime
by supplying goods for people. I've never given
anything away for nothing. However, if you go around
the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean
paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you
a good meal.'
So the hobo goes around back and a while later
he again knocks on the door. The owner says,
'Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down.
The cook will bring your meal right in.'
The hobo says, 'Thank you very much, sir. But
there's something that I think you should know.
It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a village. He sees a stable and a sign
that says 'Horses For Sale.' He asks the owner (who is
also a priest) if he can buy his cheapest horse.
The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by
members of his parish. The priest tells him the commands.
Say 'Praise the Lord' to go and 'Amen' to stop.
The man buys the horse and rides it off into the nearby
hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and tries to make the
horse stop by saying 'whoa!' but the horse keeps running.
At the very last moment he remembers and says 'Amen!'
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With a sigh
of relief, he says 'Praise the Lord!'
---------------------------------------------------------------->>>>>
Spooky Louisiana tale
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Louisiana, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed
slowly and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead
of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike,
out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door,
then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees
that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve.
The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost
car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death
when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window
and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around
the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand
reappear every time they reach a curve.
Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car
and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to
a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and
tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.
A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is
apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar.
One says to the other, 'Look Boudreaux, that's the idiot
that rode in our car when we were pushing it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on
the following news. Please join us in remembering
a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and complications from repeated pokes
in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in
his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered
a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two
children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun
they had in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++>>>
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him
in a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds. 'Why, that's amazing!' the
doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Mr Lee nodded. 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from skipping.'
+++++++++++++++ New joke added: 4-22-03 >>>
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study
for a drink.
'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'Admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will
provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies,
'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support
children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time
the father questions, the young idealist insists that
God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'
+++++++++++++++++ New joke added: 4-28-03
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that?'
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an
avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day
he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'
The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle.'
'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.'
The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!'
'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else
must have shot that bear.'
'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++>>>>>>>>>>
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for
their honeymoon. When they got back from the
honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother,
who lived a couple of hours away. 'Well, darling,' said
her mom, 'how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words...
You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MOTHER!'
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey,' the mother countered, 'WHAT 4-letter words?'
'I can't tell you, mother,' said the daughter, 'they're too
awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!'
'Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so
upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!'
Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Mother....words like:
DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK...
----------God Bless ya'll
2 new jokes added at bottom: 4-28-03
--------------------------------------------------------------
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news!"
"The good news is Saddam is still alive."
"The bad news is he lost an arm."
------------------------------------------------------------------------>>>
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about
various things. One lady says, 'You know, I'm getting
really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top
of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down.'
The second lady says, 'You think that's bad? The
other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I
couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had
just woken up!'
The third lady smiles smugly. 'Well, my memory's
just as good as it's always been, knock on wood.'
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face,
she asks, 'Who's there?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to
get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in. 'OK, follow me.'
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into
a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
'Do you see that tree over there?'
'YES, YES, YES!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
'Well I didn't!'
---------------------------------------------------------------??????
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking
farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the
farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, 'Please,
sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't
had a good meal in several days.'
The owner says, 'I have made a fortune in my lifetime
by supplying goods for people. I've never given
anything away for nothing. However, if you go around
the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean
paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you
a good meal.'
So the hobo goes around back and a while later
he again knocks on the door. The owner says,
'Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down.
The cook will bring your meal right in.'
The hobo says, 'Thank you very much, sir. But
there's something that I think you should know.
It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a village. He sees a stable and a sign
that says 'Horses For Sale.' He asks the owner (who is
also a priest) if he can buy his cheapest horse.
The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by
members of his parish. The priest tells him the commands.
Say 'Praise the Lord' to go and 'Amen' to stop.
The man buys the horse and rides it off into the nearby
hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and tries to make the
horse stop by saying 'whoa!' but the horse keeps running.
At the very last moment he remembers and says 'Amen!'
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With a sigh
of relief, he says 'Praise the Lord!'
---------------------------------------------------------------->>>>>
Spooky Louisiana tale
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Louisiana, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed
slowly and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead
of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike,
out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door,
then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees
that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve.
The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost
car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death
when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window
and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around
the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand
reappear every time they reach a curve.
Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car
and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to
a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and
tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.
A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is
apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar.
One says to the other, 'Look Boudreaux, that's the idiot
that rode in our car when we were pushing it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on
the following news. Please join us in remembering
a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and complications from repeated pokes
in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in
his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered
a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two
children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun
they had in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++>>>
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him
in a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds. 'Why, that's amazing!' the
doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Mr Lee nodded. 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from skipping.'
+++++++++++++++ New joke added: 4-22-03 >>>
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study
for a drink.
'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'Admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will
provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies,
'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support
children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time
the father questions, the young idealist insists that
God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'
+++++++++++++++++ New joke added: 4-28-03
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that?'
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an
avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day
he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'
The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle.'
'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.'
The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!'
'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else
must have shot that bear.'
'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++>>>>>>>>>>
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for
their honeymoon. When they got back from the
honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother,
who lived a couple of hours away. 'Well, darling,' said
her mom, 'how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words...
You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MOTHER!'
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey,' the mother countered, 'WHAT 4-letter words?'
'I can't tell you, mother,' said the daughter, 'they're too
awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!'
'Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so
upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!'
Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Mother....words like:
DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK...
----------God Bless ya'll
