Husband Treating Me Like Invalid

[ALCapshaw2]

Be thankful that your husband is keeping an eye on you and not the opposite, (been there, not fun).

Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to reassure him by simply saying things like:
"I might be tired after, but I won't know until I try"
or
"If something happens and I don't feel well, I'll give you a call"
and maybe the best one:
"Please try not to worry, I'll be fine".
Good Luck with him and with your card game

Well Said Freddie !

I would only add a comment to your hubby that you "Need" to take some steps towards "getting your life back", to feel that you "have a future".

As you found out, you still have some Limits to your endurance, but now you (and he) Know where they are and how to deal with them.

Recovery is SLOW (Too Slow) but requires 'pushing' your limits, little by little, and then resting to rebuild.

I think your afternoon out was Good for Both of you.

Take a Nap

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Bridgette]

I say - be thankful for the people in our lives who love us, and whom we love back. We just never know how long we'll have them for.

Give your hubby a hug (a gentle one, watch that sternum!) and tell him that you just need to take a few baby steps without him worrying all the time.

 

[Braveheart]

Thanks, guys. I found your input very valuable. Yeah, my husband loves me, and he is scared. On more than one occasion, he has confessed that if I died, his life would not be worth living. I don't agree with him, but I can't second guess what he is feeling.

One of the things with my husband is that he has a tremendous need for order and control in his life. I believe that this whole experience has knocked him for a loop. He had a bad sinus infection right after we returned from CC, and since my last hospitalization, has had another one.

One of the reasons that it is important for me to get away from the house, is that I need a bit of nonsense, some lightheartedness. Yakking with the "girls" is one way to get away from the deadly seriousness that often hangs like a pall in my house.

 

[Ross]

Yes he needs to let you unwind even if he is concerned. I use to be your husband. Things just don't work like that and makes for a miserble time if he's persistent. I've found that we both need our spaces.

 

[Cooker]

My experience was the flip side of the coin, which was a good thing for me. My DW acted as if it was no big deal and the day I came home asked me to crack her back (amateur chiropractics) ... My father had AVR in 1973 in Houston preformed by Denton Cooley, he was on disability before surgery and never really got any better before his death ... My wife never knew my father before he became disabled due to heart enlargement and CHF, all she knew was he had this surgery and remained on the sofa most of the time ... my feelings about his condition are complicated but this is not what this thread is about ... DW felt very confident about me making it through surgery but was worried sick about the recovery and my attitude after surgery ... Her fears were unfounded but very real to her and I understood them ... she would not let me get on a pity pot or anywhere near one...

We have had nearly 27 years together and our love is deep and we know what the other needs ... At times I felt like I “deserved” a bit more pampering (I did get some), but her “you are ok” approach, I feel, helped to speed my recovery and get me in better health than I have been in years ... we all need different types of support, our significant others all have different fears and deal with them in different ways ... OHS is a multifaceted thing, physical, emotional and spiritual .... patients and care givers alike deal with it in their own way ... IMHO there is no right or wrong way, it’s just the way it is for the individual .... peace out

 

[hensylee]

one thing that might help a little. pretend he is you and you are him and see what you think. I know I worried terribly with my dear Joe after he had a stroke. But he was determined and I had to just watch and let him do. He was right. He made great progress without my 'help'. but I was always close by.

 

[Braveheart]

Well, I am going out with the girls again today (just for a couple of hours). This time when I told my husband, he objected, but mildly. It is probably a matter of him getting used to the fact that I can live more normally at this time.

 

[Alex B]

I found that my wife is most worried that I won't tell her every little detail about how I am feeling. She got that way because I didn't always tell her when I was short of breath before. When the Dr said, "now you won't have those dizzy spells" my wife thought that meant I was hiding stuff from her, so now I tell her every little detail so that I have earned her trust back, in return she trusts that I am making good decisions for myself so she doesn't have to step in. Also, I think you can show you know are making responsible decisions for yourself by sometimes pre-emptively giving in. You could do this by saying something like, "I was invited to go spend the weekend at a spa with my friends, but I declined because I'm not ready for that yet", this will show that you are more than capable of making a responsible decision even though it may be obvious to you. I've used this strategy and the more I make good decisions and tell my wife, the more she trusts me to know my own limits.

 

[catwoman]

Cooker:

Because John had seen his father undergo 2 MVRs, the second with additional procedures, he knew you didn't quite bounce back from OHS. He knew I'd be feeling pretty crappy for some time.....

 

[Nancy]

It is wonderful that your husband is so caring. As a spouse, I understand where he is coming from.

Let me give you a little insight.

My husband had rheumatic fever from his teenage years. So he lived with heart problems a LONG time. As a result, he just ignored many of the things that would worry a person who didn't have this long history. He didn't feel well sometimes, but had no frame of reference to compare it too. For him, not feeling well was just part of his life.

He would often ignore something that was important and wouldn't discuss it with me because he didn't recognize it as a symptom of something going wrong and he didn't want to be bothered with going to the doctor or hospital. Let's face it, it is a total pain, especially if you have had a lifetime of it.

I learned to be extremely observant and to ask him a lot of questions. Even then he wasn't able to answer enough to be able to determine if there was a problem or not. His doctors were frustrated with this too.

Most of the time I was able to head off serious problems by paying close attention to him, how he looked, what he did and how he did it.

I can remember a time when he had a very serious problem and never told me about it, and it cost him the vision in his eye permanently.

He had many TIAs throughout his life. We would usually go to the ER and have them checked out. Many of them involved one eye, or even both. This time, he developed the same symptom in one eye and thought it would go away like the others, but it didn't, and it wasn't a TIA, but a bleeding incident and it took his sight in that eye. His eye doctor told him that had he gone to the ER right after it happened, his sight could have possibly been saved. But there was only a 3 hour window of opportunity to try to do something.

So, I am telling you all of this because I want you to be very aware of your body and the signals it is giving you. Your husband may fear that you will just blow off something important.

I think what he is trying to do is to be very aware of anything that has a potential to hurt you. He may be overdoing it right now, and will relax with time. But you have to reassure him that you will let him know of anything happening to you. And that is also important because it will allow you to get early treatment for any problem.

 

[Bryan B]

Well, my girlfriend picked me up, and I went to the bridge game. I was totally exhausted when I came home, so I took a pain pill and a tranquillizer, and went to sleep.

I am feeling a lot better now.One thing that I have learned is that my strength is limited, and I can only socialize on a limited basis.

I realize that my husband is worried, and he is out to protect me. The thing is, when my frailties are rubbed in my nose, I find it not only not helpful, but depressing. I think that I am wise enough to know when is "enough is enough".

My last bout in the hospital has really gotten to me. The arm is still swollen, and hurts. I thought that I was not going to survive. It is really upsetting to realize that I went through the AVR & bypass at CC with flying colors, only to be laid low by the incompetence at my local hospital. One thing I know. If I have another bout of A-fib, I will go somewhere else.

Braveheart,

I am going to go through the statements you made and I "bolded" one by one in order to make you think about you post about after getting home from playing bridge.

I was totally exhausted when I came home, so I took a pain pill and a tranquillizer, and went to sleep.

If you felt this way and had to take a pain pill and a tranquillizer after playing bridge with the girls then your husband is correct in worrying that you are overdoing it.

One thing that I have learned is that my strength is limited, and I can only socialize on a limited basis.

This statement sounds like what your husband has been trying to tell you.

The thing is, when my frailties are rubbed in my nose, I find it not only not helpful, but depressing.

Is he really rubbing your frailties in your nose or is that just your perception? Are you sure that YOU are not depressed because of your frailties (for the short term as you recover) and when your husband tries to be protective and point out when you are overdoing it you might be overreacting because you know he is right?

All I can share is my own experience...and it took me awhile to accept it. I was living in Nashville, TN but I had my surgery at Duke Medical Center in Durham, NC. I grew up in Cary, NC (about 30 minutes from Duke) and I spent 4-5 weeks recovering at my parent's house. I felt like I was ready to drive back to Nashville and get ready to return to my job and start cardiac rehab. I had several friends that wanted to get together in Atlanta to celebrate my successful surgery so I drove from Cary, NC to Atlanta, GA and stayed there for 2 days. Then I drove from Atlanta, GA to Nashville, TN to get back home. Then I started cardiac rehab and pushed myself pretty hard because I "felt so good". Well all of that caught up to me and I ended up with sternum complications that lasted for months and I eventually had to have my sternum wires removed. I believe today that by me doing too much too soon I probably affected the healing of my sternum somehow. My parents questioned my decision to drive to Atlanta, and then to Nashville at 4.5 weeks post-op but I felt I knew better and would be able to handle it. I also felt like my parents were overreacting about the situation.

My advice would be to listen to your husband. It's been my experience that those who care about you and can see what you're doing from a non patient perspective may ultimately have the best vantage point to be able to tell when you are trying to take on too much too soon.

Bryan

 

[Braveheart]

Bryan- I hear ya, and think that your point is valid. The thing is, I am 7+ weeks post-op, and haven't driven yet. I plan to drive for the first time today, just in town, (no more than 10 minutes away). I don't think that I would dream of undertaking a trip like yours, even now.

This gets me to an interesting point.When is "enough, enough"? I would love some feedback as to how people handled their recovery. For instance, yesterday I went out with the girls to play cards. Someone picked me up, and all I did was sit on my fanny for a couple of hours. I found the chatter wearying, even though I am usually with these women once a week, and never minded before. Nevertheless, as soon as I came home, I felt better.

Remember, I have a 2nd problem. My arm is still somewhat swollen by the IV infiltration, and that was bothering me. During the game, I took a pain pill, and felt better.

When I was in the hospital, they pushed me to walk. I can't walk outside here in Florida, as it is like a blast furnace now.

I think that when I am with just my husband, or alone, I am o.k. When other people are involved, and there is a lot of chatter, it tires me out.

What kinds of experiences have other people had? How do you know when you have reached your limit? Is getting tired a reason not to do something?

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Your comment that you can't walk outdoors because it is like a "blast furnace" caught my eye.

MANY Heart Patients (mostly bypassers but works for all) walk in MALLS which are typically air conditioned.

Another alternative is to use a Tread Mill, either at home or a gym or wellness center.

Your Body is your best barometer. When you feel well and energetic, it is OK to push a LITTLE. When your body tells you it's had enough, REST. NAPS are GREAT.

Recovery is SLOW but mostly steady (with some down days). As long as you can see improvement on a week to week basis, you are heading in the right direction.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Cooker]

Well, I am going out with the girls again today (just for a couple of hours). This time when I told my husband, he objected, but mildly. It is probably a matter of him getting used to the fact that I can live more normally at this time.

Good for you!!!!

 

[Braveheart]

Al Capshaw- As far as the AVR is concerned, I am seeing a definite improvement. My incision does not hurt one bit. The whole area feels very normal.

I have walked in a mall, which is 20 minutes away, but the problem is, I need my husband to drive me there. We have done that a few times. I don't think that I want to drive myself to anyplace crowded as yet. I don't want to have to make any fast moves, that I might regret later.

My main problem is feeling tired, and the annoyance of my swollen arm. Since I came back from the local hospital because of the a-fib, I think that I have lost some ground. I had been walking malls 3 weeks post-op before the incident.

My cardio gave me a prescription for rehab, but wanted me to wait 8 weeks post-op. I am going to see him on Tuesday, and ask him if I should start rehab next week, or hold off a few weeks, until the arm is no longer swollen.

 

[Freddie]

You know what?
I think your doing just fine. You won't know your limitations until you try and mention that to your sweet loving husband.

Al said it the best: "Your Body is your best barometer. When you feel well and energetic, it is OK to push a LITTLE. When your body tells you it's had enough, REST. NAPS are GREAT."

 

[halleyg]

I have to chime in with naps are great! I was tired for months after surgery, even when I otherwise felt better. I'd go volunteer at my daughter's school for a couple of hours and feel wiped out. I'd come home, take a nap. They can do wonders. As long as everything else is OK, if you're tired, you're tired, so rest when you need to. I was told on here all the time "listen to your body" which you have been told and is perfect, simple advice.

 

[COLLEEN S]

May i just say "DITTO" to what everyone else said.