How do we handle this situation?

[Marcia58]

My youngest son was 13 when I had my OHS. Because he's considerably younger than his siblings (who are all married with families), he, my DH, and I are all very close. The three of us discussed it at length. Because of his maturity for his age, and because in the absence of facts, he has the ability (like his mother!) to imagine the worst case scenario, and because my surgery took place 4+ hours from home, we opted to have him there with us. I still believe it was the right choice. He was a trouper, and was able to do things (get ice, update Carepage, etc.) that made it easier for him than sitting around back home.

Things we considered:
1. He's mature for his age.
2. My surgery took place on his spring break--no absence issues.
3. He's naturally calm.
4. My hospital had open family visiting--ICU and step-down.

Meganmitch, I can send you a pic of me in ICU right after surgery (w/in an hour or so) if you want. I'm still on the vent and all the tubes and wires, so you'll see what my son first saw. It might help in deciding if it's something your stepson can handle.

Marcia

 

[vtbecca]

This thread has been very interesting to read. I may reconsider some of the time my boys spend when their brother is there (we may not have them present to wait during surgery for example), but I think to say no child should visit the ICU is also a stretch. I remember seeing children visit their siblings (maybe having a sibling go through it isn't as scary as a parent) when Gabe was at Duke. My boys have lived with seeing pictures of Gabe after surgery, swollen and hooked up to many things. It's part of life for them. We talk about how he will need surgery again. It's matter of fact and calm. If the ICU where he is will allow visitation we will allow them to visit. They are very close to their brother. They also have had some health hurdles of their own and don't even flinch when in hospitals. I guess it all depends on the child, and also on how calm or hysterical the parents in the situation are. My 5 year old had a biopsy done recently and the nurse was shocked at how calm I was, and how calm he was. He didn't even get upset at his blood draw and was able to go into the OR unsedated and without me. He saw no fear in me so he didn't know to be afraid. I have also seen hysterical children, because their parents are keyed up and hysterical. Children use their parents as a guide for how they should feel. I don't see myself as abusive because I want my boys to be there for their brother, I see this as a family milestone (perhaps the most important one). Interestingly enough if it was my 7 YO needing surgery I would NOT have my oldest there. He is the one that has anxiety issues (probably because of the surgeries he's had). I don't think he would handle it well seeing his brother in the ICU, and I'm afraid of how he will handle surgery. We all have different opinions on this I guess.

 

[mecretired]

I was a college student when I saw my father immediately after OHS. I consider myself to be an emotionally strong person but it REALLY affected me. I would certainly recommend waiting until after ICU.

 

[Johan]

We went the same route as Marcia and I still feel it was the right thing to do. My surgery was postponed for nearly a year and was often the topic of discussion amongst my step daughter, her mother and I. Just before the operation we gave my daughter the option of visiting me as soon as she saw fit. She was 13 at the time. She agreed with us that it would be unwise to see me the first day and with the vent tube still in place. She however wanted to come as soon as it was removed to, in her words "cheer me up and help me get better fast". So she came 24 hours later after the vent was removed. She did not like all the tubes and machines but took it in her stride. She insisted on doing all sorts of chores for the nurses and it created a very special bond between us because she helped me get better. On her own she posted on VR.org, and would come and tell me exitedly that the other members on VR said I would pull through just fine.

Because she was involved in the whole process we still share our little moments when my short term memory fails, for instance, she would mumble "pumphead" and tell the others that it is our secret.

 

[ryen0]

My wife fainted when she saw me after surgery. So yeah, it's not for the weak at heart. I don't think i would recommend it.

 

[tobagotwo]

Kids are all different. Tell him what he would expect to see if he did go, and ask him what he wants. Tell him it's all right if he wants to wait a couple of days. Please try not to make the decision for him, as he may resent it later. This is his father.

They're more resilient than you might think, and my experience is that they know better what they can and can't handle than you would imagine.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes,

 

[Freddie]

Kids are all different. Tell him what he would expect to see if he did go, and ask him what he wants. Tell him it's all right if he wants to wait a couple of days. Please try not to make the decision for him, as he may resent it later. This is his father.

They're more resilient than you might think, and my experience is that they know better what they can and can't handle than you would imagine.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes,

I agree with what Bob has said - I couldn't have worded it better.
Just ask him what he would like to do, with no pressure.

 

[meganmitch]

You know what Marcia, I was going to post something on here about seeing the scar/incision sight post surgery (all from men ofcourse). I dont think im prepared to see what its going to be like with my husband on all the machines and with tubes coming out everywhere. Do you remember how long you were hooked up to everything?

 

[meganmitch]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. You all have very valid points and did what was best given the different situations. Because I was so against this, I called the doctors assistant and asked what she thought i should do and what hospital protocol was. She recommended that he not see his father for atleast 24 hours, at 24 hours they will have him out of bed walking and obviously he'll be more coherent at that point. As far as hospital protocol, she wasnt exactly sure.

At this point we are waiting to schedule the heart cath (any information on that procedure would help) and surgery the next day. We were approved for 50% charity (WOOHOO) for the surgery and inpatient stay, the doctors office just has to find another doctor that will give the same deal with the heart cath before we can proceed. Thanks again everyone.

 

[james]

I guess I am kind of the non sensitive type but, I have to ask why not? This is a real life situation and at twelve you start to deal with real life issues in a way that shapes you as an adult. People get sick and most of those people recover. What an important part of life to share with your child. Yes the graphic ICU part could be skipped but, I would not let the entire hospital stay pass.

 

[Country]

if i had kids i would at least want to see them after surgery..... i wouldnt want them to hang around the hospital and wait but a quick visit would happen. you cant protect/shelter them forever. and i believe that young people need to be exposed to some bad times to know the world isnt perfect.... and enjoy the good times!

i would also recomend doing something fun for the kids to offset the devastation and trama...... have them lots of fun activities to be involved in. that will put a good memory in their head and hopefully help them realize that surgery isnt a bad thing.

 

[hook]

I would not do it until after all the tubs and neck IV is removed. It is an image that will stick with you, so I don't see the point. Once you get in the room with fewer connections it is much better. We did not let my daughter in the room at all; I did not want her to have that image of me; I felt it would further engrain that I have a problem. Kids have enough to deal with, I don't want my kid to worry about losing her dad.

 

[ShezaGirlie]

Kids carry loads of germs and in my opinion ICU is no place for germs when a patient is at his/her most vulnerable. That would be my most important point of whether the son is allowed to see his Father or not. Besides that, who would want to sit in the waiting room for hours with an ex-wife and her child especially if animosity exists between the two women. Just sayin'..

 

[Superbob]

Depends on the individual. My son, who is in his 30s and a sensitive soul when it comes to his mom and dad, had a tough time with seeing me the way I was in the ICU. I had every tube known to mankind connected to me, and I was on the vent big-time b/c I was struggling to regain oxygen function. If I had to have a re-do, I would let my wife see me in ICU -- pillar of the family that she is -- and suggest other family members of all ages wait til I was moved to a regular hospital room. My personal recommendation would be that a 12-year-old wait til a higher degree of normalcy is restored.