Female, 42, mother, AVR scheduled for 11/4 Seeking likewise for discussions/support

[Blue Sue]

Looking for some other females to talk to about life and upcomming surgery. So many things are going on and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what I am feeling. You?

 

[Freddie]

Ask away. We are all here to support one another.

 

[Blue Sue]

Thank you Freddie, I do realize everyone here on the boards are a great resource of information and support. I just wanted to connect with other mothers, and women. I need some girl talk. But OK, here goes...

I have been uhappy in my marrage for the last 5 years at least, maybe more. I love my husband as a person but am not happy being married. I have realized that I want to live a life of joy instead of the lonelyness I have felt. Is it strange to want to wait until after my surgery to talk with him about this...is it the right thing to do. This sucks. My husband is a great person, supportive, good father, but we have not had that connection to each other in a long time...or maybe it is just me.

My two sons 7 and 9 are awesome, sweet, funny, and a great joy to me. I am trying to hold them extra tight, read that one more book before bed and to be more present for them. I cry daily when I think of them and what if I am not here anymore for them? Will they know how much I love them 10 years from now?

What life changes have you made since surgery...are you more honest with what you want and need? Are you living the life you wanted instead of the one you are living now?

 

[river-wear]

testing...

 

[dornole]

That's a lot of feelings Blue Sue. Short answer, I would not try to have major surgery and do heavy work on my marriage / consider ending it, all at the same time! That is way too many stressors for you, your kids, and your husband whom you do seem to respect. Hold tight a while and don't do something impulsive. A few more months won't matter. You can pursue the ideal life when you are not going through this scary heart stuff, I'd say . . .

I suffered from depression around the time of my heart stuff (before and after) and I am wondering if this could be the case with you. I know that during depression it seemed like I'd "always" been unhappy and that I'd been unhappy "for years" with my husband, even though objectively, like you, I could say "This is a good man." Today, I can't imagine why I would have wanted to break up with him. It was the depression talking and horribly distorted. So I am glad I went with my intellect instead of those distorted feelings and waited it out (and did all I could to get rid of depression including meds and lots of books and happiness exercises, healthy habits, etc). There are some books related to heart surgery and depression that others have recommended and I would recommend "You Can Feel Good Again" by Richard Carlson to help with those general feelings of discontentment - also "The How of Happiness." You can probably use some reading that will lift your spirits.

For the surgery itself - chances are really excellent you're going to be fine, your kids will be fine & you'll be in their lives a long while yet . . . try to talk back to those "cry-producing" thoughts.

Post-procedure (I was fortunate and had a balloon, not OHS - that's still in my future) I've definitely cultivated a joy-filled life, lost 50 pounds and appreciated life much more--but I didn't have to get a new husband, job or change anything major to do that. It was all in my perceptions and habits of thinking. And maybe some biochemistry too. I think there is something to that, with heart problems and depression. I actually had an article in Experience Life magazine about my journey out of depression, it's here: http://experiencelife.com/article/a-happy-new-year-deb-sweeneys-success-story/

I hope something from all this is helpful to you - you have a lot on your heart and I hope you can lay some of it aside and deal with it one thing at a time - or that some will turn out to be not so heavy after all.

 

[Blue Sue]

Thank you for the words of support and advise...I am going to see a counselor prior to my surgery, and after, to work through some of my thoughts/feelings...calling today to set that up. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I will keep moving forward and look for the rainbow I know must be out there for me. Good luck with your follow up in January

 

[Freddie]

After some great thought, I think it's important to you to know how he feels about your up and coming surgery. But just the surgery. Don't talk about how you feel in the marriage. Right now I think it's important for you to know that he will be there for you and support you. Do you know that once you're home after surgery you won't be able to reach above your shoulders, even opening the fridge door could be painful, so forget about getting that quart of milk for the kids......so it's important that you know how he feels. Also let him know how you feel about this surgery.

As much as you may would like to bring up "other" emotions during this conversation, keep your surgery the topic.....and yea shed a few tears.

You never know, maybe after you have this little talk (if you choose to do so) could turn a new leaf for you and notice what you do have in this man of yours that you have come so familiar with.

But hey, this is just my thoughts and I do hope this counselor is able to help

 

[njean]

I think you have gotten a wealth of advice from all the previous posters!

I would like to share something with you:

When I had my 1st OHS, 39 years ago, (a double-mechanical valve implant), I was newly married. We married in Aug/1974, I endured a therapeutic abortion in Mar/1975 and had the heart surgery in May/1975. In Sept/1975, I got divorced. The divorce was his choice, not mine.

The timing could not have come at a worse time....I was devastated! A few short months after my divorce, I was back in Houston having my 2nd OHS.....the mechanical mitral valve had torn loose from some of the sutures! Doctors believed that the stress, depression and distress of my divorce had just been too much for my newly mended heart to handle.

So as the others have advised, don't put more stress on yourself by trying to straighten out your marriage at the same time you're going through this. Have the surgery and then see how you feel about your marriage. Remember the old cliché, "a good man is hard to find" .... your whole outlook on life may change and you may look at your man and your relationship in a whole different light~

Wishing you the best!

 

[Blue Sue]

I have my counseling appointment set for this Thursday with two additional follow up sessions I can take advantage of prior to my surgery. I am hoping just talking to someone about everything; surgery, marriage, motherhood, work, that I can get to a point where I am happy. I am having a good day today and feeling optomistic.

I have a lot of girlfriends but I have absolutely no opportunity to talk to them and would feel uncomfortable telling them something I have not talked to my husband about yet.

I have been doing a lot of work to get my family/home ready for my surgery. I am planning meals to freeze, getting friends lined up to take the boys on outings on Saturdays when I will be alone with them during my recovery. Then there is all of the other stuff I do that will have to be done by my husband and, thank the heavens, my mom...dishes, laundry, house cleaning, karate practice, homework, library, grocery shopping, lunchboxes, bills, books at night etc. etc. Maybe this will be a chance for me to relinquish my control of the household? Or simply stop caring if things slip through the cracks?

I could try to talk to my husband about how he feels about my surgery but we have not been in the best habit of sharing our true thoughts in the past few years. I may just ask what he needs me to do or show him before surgery.

 

[Blue Sue]

Thank you for sharing N Jean-What a story...heartbreak of the emotional kind. Did you ever find another love? I know my husband is a good man but is being a good man enough? Our physical relationship has been very limited...my mind prevents me from wanting physical contact with him...yet I want physical contact to FEEL the love I crave. It was there once wasn't it? Or was I wrapped up in the whole I am 30, not married yet, no children panic and you are a great guy situation? Hoping my counselor can help me figure this out...are we just friends who share children?

 

[tom in MO]

Make sure you and your husband spend time together w/o your boys. In a busy life it is easy to get isolated emotionally and then the negatives can start to pile up.

Before my surgery, I made time for every family member, even the dog...just in case. I changed my routine to spend more time with them and it helped me more than them.

 

[Blue Sue]

Thank you Tom...I will schedule a "date night" with each of the important men in my life...and my three chihuahuas too

 

[clay_from_nj]

Remember too, Sue, that as we get older (especially over 40) our hormones and body chemistry undergo changes that affect our feelings and desires. My wife and I have been together since we were teens, and were definitely more "randy" back in those days than now. A large part of loving someone and sharing your life with them (and growing older, which we are on our way towards, but will never admit to attaining) is having a relationship that matures, develops, and changes over the years. We may not be grabbing at each other every chance we get, as we once did, but I can say that we love each other now more than ever. (And, since my surgery, we have both gotten healthier and in better shape and one of the benefits of that is a much-improved love life. ;-)

 

[Blue Sue]

Thank you Clay, I don't feel that my sex drive has slowed with maturity but I do feel that I no longer desire my husband sexually. We have had difficult times over the past 6 years and luckily or unluckily my brain steers my ability to get arroused. I don't know if I can get over the past which is effecting my present. Counceling appointment tomorrow, fingers crossed for a glimps of rainbow.