“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien
“China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman
“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman
“Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul's slogan is ‘Fear the Poligrip.’" –David Letterman
“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman
"Iran and its nukes. They’ve got the rods all ready to go into the reactor. They’re waiting on the installer. He’s supposed to come out Friday between 10 and 2." –David Letterman"