hensylee
Well-known member
WEEK AT THE GYM
If you can read this without laughing out
loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever
attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my
daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being
a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new
life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other s*** too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that
long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to
day.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled
the floor with diamonds!!!
If you can read this without laughing out
loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever
attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my
daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being
a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new
life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other s*** too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that
long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to
day.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled
the floor with diamonds!!!
