emotions and crying

[Scottie]

hi Roy

hi Roy

Although I have not been a crier ...I can sympathise with your feelings ...I have been having some very odd thoughts ...almost too deep to cry for me ....I am artibuting this to the surgery ..one Dr told me that it is like having a huge shock ..both physically and emotionally ...and I believe this to be true .
Dick is probably right ..we can all think of people who are worse off than ourselves ...I know that I certainly can and while I am thankful that the surgeons could Fix me i don't believe it makes the feelings I have less valid ...if you have them ..you have them and either you accept them and deal with them now the best you can . I t may be that this is to just go with the flow ...if not then I feel you may have to deal with them in the future when it may not be so easy to go with the flow ..This has certainly been my experience after having surgery in the past ...Children were never expected to have feelings about their surgery except to say thankyou to the surgeon and to be glad they were alive .
However if only life were that simple ...Cry if you want to and don't ever be ashamed of your feelings .
Best wishes
Scottie

 

[Creed3]

I totally agree with Scottie. Everyone reacts differently to surgery and trauma in their lives. It is a big shock to the body and mind. You look at life differently. You also realize how lucky you are to have been given a second chance and that some people have worse things going on in their lives. You become much more sensitive to things. I don't feel that we are whining or feeling sorry for ourselves. I believe we have a better understanding of how precious life really is. We should never be ashamed of our feelings and if we do feel a little sorry for ourselves, that is ok too. It will eventually pass. Just take every day one day at a time and rely on your friends here. They really do help.

Take Care!
Creed

 

[John Cochran]

Roy,
The drugs that were put in your system DURING surgery are in your body for many weeks afterwards. In addition, your blood took a serious beating while on the heart-lung machine. I recall being in an online chat of a group of physicians and healthcare professionals (my background is biomedical engineering) where they were discussing all the things that happen to your body and blood when on the pump. They all agreed that they would never want to have to go through it. Bottom line is, your internal chemistry, and that of all who go through this surgery, gets massively messed up, and it takes a while to recover.

Anesthesia alone has a prolonged effect on how your natural neurotransmitters work. Any view that increased emotionality is "whining" is simply an uninformed position.

--John

 

[R0Y]

Lest I be misunderstood, I want to say that I do not see my increased emotional sensitivity as a negative thing. Rather I see it as an interesting, and often positive, change that followed this surgery. I see that others have had similar experiences and are willing to share them, one of the wonderful things about this group. I also sense that no one knows the cause of the change, and that's fine.

-- roy --

 

[DickV]

John, your post on drugs reminced me that I might have cried when Kay told me I could not have a martini while I was still on Vicoden.

Actually Kay cried about week three after my surgery when she caught me on the roof with a chainsaw cutting a big limb that fell during a storm. These were not tears of joy or tears of sorrow. She was just plain pissed. I got in trouble and was grounded for a few days. I did get that martini sometime in week 5 and life was better. I didn't get my chainsaw back for about 6 months.

 

[John Cochran]

Dick,
You raised a point that I'm not sure I've seen discussed here before. We've talked about depression, emotions, memory...but I think the issue of judgement deserves some attention.

Your chainsaw incident made me laugh, but I know that there was probably some serious risk there. I started thinking about my own actions after surgery, like going riding on my motorcycle 5 weeks after surgery. Of course I didn't wear a helmet because I wanted to feel the wind in my hair, and going fast felt really good. Now I think back on how dangerous even a low-speed accident would have been to me and wonder how I could have been so foolish.

I also recall being very short-tempered and vocal about it. It certainly didn't take much to piss me off, and I'd be happy to chop someone's head off. In hind sight, I'm not sure how my wife and family put up with me.

At 4 months post-op, I think I'm close to normal (no jokes Ross!) again. I'm not sure if it was just me who responded this way after surgery, or is it more common?

--John

 

[Mb]

Now, if I can just get through Mass without using tissues!

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! - Marybeth

 

[joy]

I never used to get emotional either, but I do...IF I hear that sone by enya...only time, it makes me tear up, or like 9/11, I was crying like a baby. I used to be tough, but now some things make me break down and cry. I'm glad tht I have some peopole who have the same thing happen to them! I wasn't depressed for a long time after my surgery, and I think my depression that I may be feeling is because Kevin is gone, but nontheless, I am thankfull for my second chance at life.

My nephew who is now 16, had a liver transplant 6 years ago. He was lucky that he never rejected the liver...very seriously. But now as a sophmore inHigh school he has full alopecia(he has NO hair on his body), braces, and he takes like 10 pills a day. He's got thyroid problems, so he's not exactly skinny, either. I feel bad for him, but what he has a lot of friends, and gets accepted, so I don't think he is depressed. Like his dad(my brother), Sid said once, I would take all his sickness and keep it myself rather than have anyone else suffer with it.

I know that he doesn't appreciate what my brother does for him, but someday he will. He's one example of a tough childhood. I have alot of bad disease that goes around in my family. Mine was fixable...I thank God for that. Other's aren't so lucky.

Well, this post is long, so I better send it.

 

[McCln]

MIne was totally different. I was always highly emotional person before surgery. I was so calm after surgery, it almost seemed unreal. I did not let anything get my angry. No cry jags, sorry. Just feel so out of it for a while. I still feel strange thinking about it now. I had felt so calm, I was not sure if I was me. But I got gat to almost normal a few weeks later. The trauma of surgery affects some people differently. I was happy for the most part of being so calm, it made recovery better. So emotional outbursts are also normal. So take care and cry when it hits you to cry. It is normal.

Caroline
09-13-01
Aortic valve repalcement
St. Jude's Valve

 

[Gail in Ca]

My emotional state changed after my first avr in '89. When I was able to take my 1st shower and see my scar, I broke down and sobbed over what I had just been thru. My daughter was almost 3 at the time. Just recently, 2 1/2 yrs after my 2nd avr, my daughter was playing in a piano recital. I got very teary when she played, and then, I got teary when other kids played pieces she had played when she was little! I am emotional for other people's kids, too!! Also, I saw a picture of me with Micky mouse ears from Disneyland when I was three or so. I just began to cry thinking that who knew at the time that that little girl would end up needing her valve replaced, almost die, and go thru so much?
Happily, most of the time I am a positive person.
But certain things really can set the tears flowing.
Gail

 

[Granbonny]

Crying

Crying

Funny, I have never cried since my surgery..Just foggy headed, didn't like crowds for 2-3 months..Grandson helped cheer me up this summer, pool, ect.....but, tomorrow will be the 1st Ann. of my Mother's death. She was my best friend and we talked EVERY day on the phone... Daddy is age 88 and still living in their home. He said to me today, do you know what tomorrow is? I said ..of course Daddy but she is in a better place than we are..Wonder if the tears will flow tomorrow? Bonnie

 

[hensylee]

Probably will - my mother's birthday was 10/21 and she died less than 2 yrs ago and I think I missed her more this year than last. She, too was my very best friend. God bless, Bonnie - I will think of you and your Dad. Ann

 

[wlaldridge]

Never know what to say at times like this, Bonnie. My heart goes out to your dad, I am sure he misses her more than we know. If you feel like giving forth with tears at your loss, everyone should certainly relate to that.

My dad died on Oct. 5, 1960 and my mom on Jan. 20, 1988(her birthday, also) and I will tell you that those dates never come and go without my pausing and remembering. I don't dwell on it but it is like remembering where you were at John Kennedy's assination, you can't forget, It is just a big deal to lose a parent.

My warmest wishes to you, think of the good times and mourn your loss while you rejoice at those good times.

Bill

 

[joy]

My mom's mom died in march of 1962. I guess they were getting ready to go to church. It was just 2 days after her 31nd birthday. Actually she is my namesake...Joyce Elaine...I am Joy Elaine. My mom was 12. I don't know if I should call her gramma, though because my grampa got remarried, and his new wife adopted my mom(against my mom's wishes) and that's who I know as my gramma, but Joyce is my biological gramma. Its' scary, she died of the same disease I have...Rhuematic heart disease. I guess she coughed twice and collapsed and died within 2 seconds. Her heart had exploded in thousands of peices. I guess I am alot like her in my looks, and personality. Sort of makes me proud from all the things my mom told me about her. I always stop to think of her in the month of march. I think of her often and wish I could have met her...

 

[John Cochran]

Joy,
I can really relate to your story about your grandmother, and wishing you could have known her. My maternal grandfather died the day after I was born, most likely from cardiac problems arising from having a bicuspid aortic valve like me. Of course, in those days, there was nothing they could do for people with that condition, and they often died too young. My mother would often tell me how I had many of the same characteristics and interests as my grandfather, and I feel priviledged to have the modern surgical correction that saved my life. It makes me wonder what it would have been like had my grandfather been able to have this surgery and seen his grandchildren grow up.

In spite of all the difficulties we here go through with this surgery, we are truly blessed compared our ancestors. In a strange way, I feel like my restored health is a gift to my grandfather, and that I'm obliged to do something meaningful with the extra years I have that he was denied.

Best,
--John

 

[joy]

John--

I never could understand when my mom told me that she was sick for the last 12 years of her life, and never felt good enough to fix her hair, or get all dressed up. I never could figure it out for my whole childhood. The only thing she ever did was go to church. Iwas sort of disappointed, when my mom told me she had a journal, but the only thing that she wrote about was what she did...go to church, come home,fix dinner...I was hoping she would have written something -more indepth about herself that could have told me about herself and her life. All I know about is what my mom told me. She I really wish I could have met her...even once. I sort of feel like the only people that haven't forgotten her are my mom and grandfather.

Six years before she died she had a valvotomy...to prolong her life. I always wonder if she can see me...If she's looking down upon me, and if so, if she is proud of me? Now I understand why she didn't ever want to get dressed up...never wanted to put makeup on. I know what heart diesase makes you feel like. It makes you feel drained and breathless. Weak and frail. The whole day before I went to the hospital I just sat hunched over on the couch, unable to breathe. It was the scariest feeling I can remember having. I felt like I was drowning, but I wasn't in a pool. Now I understand what my grandma felt like everyday until she died. Now I feel bad for her. I wish she could have had the chance to have the surgery, and have her life saved. Everyday, I just thank God that I had a second chance at life. That's sort of why I don't deal with the depression thing. I just remind myself that I am alive with two beautiful...VERY intelligent kids(they take after their mother,LOL)and a loving husband. WHen my mom heard that I had heart disease, she RUSHED out here the next day. My oldest brother was out here two days later! It's nice having a family who loves me, and great friends like the ones I have here that care. Well, I have typed ALOT!, so I will go now.