Don't understand

[Beattyann]

Hi all, it has been some time since I have written. My husband had his aortic valve replaced in January. There was never a problem between us until recently. Suddenly, he is very short with me for no apparent reason. Have any of you experienced this problem with your spouse who went through this surgery?

This is causing me great stress and depression. Want to be supportive, but is difficult when being criticized. Thank you. Beattyann

 

[Ross]

Hi Beattyann, it appears that we are close neighbors.

For what it's worth, I was the same way with my wife, but that started immediately after surgery, not 6 months later. I suppose it could be an inner depression problem on your husbands part, Perhaps medications?

Since I don't know what he's going through or should I say what he's thinking, it's hard to say. All I know is that I too, acted like that and I still can't explain why. A male hormonal thing? Maybe the feeling of not ever being the same? I just don't know.

 

[JimL]

I, too, confess my sins of being short with my wife. Why? A-fib, tiredness, medications, memory lapse, any excuse that will work. What to do? Keep learning about his surgery so that he's not alone, and exercise lots of patience. I never felt any animosity toward my wife, even when I was short with her. My feelings have always been deep gratitude that she has stuck with me through the CHF and surgery and recovery.

 

[Nancy]

It's extremely common for heart surgery patients to experience depression and that can manifest itself with anger and shortness. I read an article that the heart lung machine can cause some of this, making it a physiological thing in addtion to an emotional thing. The experience of having gone through such a stressful time, plus for many people, not having any say or control over many things (especially people who are Type A or normally take charge people), and feeling helpless during the healing time, leaves many feeling cranky and more.

One of the best answers is antidepressant meds. They really, really work in this situation.

I wish you both more sunny days. You've been through some rough waters.

 

[Mb]

Hi!

I think Nancy said it all. My husband also goes through periods of grouchiness. I think the reasons are pretty clear. He is no longer able to do what he could before. He still has heart disease. He takes lots of chemicals, twice a day. All new to him.

I try to excercise the greatest amount of patience with him. I also try to plan doing things that he can do. For example during the week, I might have someone over to dinner. At least once, Monday through Thursday. On the weekends, I plan having company, taking a day trip......or something. Boredom causes depression, and I try to make sure he does not get bored. I really try do do things together with him that we have not done before.....life offers so much. A museum trip, going to a Park we have never been to.......that kind of thing. Maybe even a restaurant we haven';t been to before. There are so many events.....Farmers Markets, etc. etc. etc. I try to keep boredom outside of the house. This really does help. Plus it adds some really good memories. And, truthfully, some funny ones.
He no longer can work, so having things to look forward to can be fun. Just as he tries to stay within the boundaries of what he can do to feel okay, I try to plan things that we can do together.
I have read articles that say that depression is a killer for heart disease.....and I know when he is getting a bit cranky, that depression is at the door. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. It happens to most of us.
Best wishes., - Marybeth

 

[Jean]

Shortness

Shortness

I am afraid I have gotten snappy sometimes too...my husband and I were always very independent people who lived together. We each had our separate lives and our married life. Just before and after surgery my husband became very, very protective in a lot of ways. I found it sweet at first, but it smothers me now sometimes. I feel great and am even better than I was prior to surgery...I really don't like the hovering (especially 2 years later). I try not to bite his head off, but sometimes I know I am very short with him. Try talking to him. I have told Bill why I get short with him and we've talked, but every once in a while he hovers too closely still....I just smile and tell him my angel is hovering too closely. Good luck.

 

[Beattyann]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply - don't know what I would do without this site. No one else really understands what is going on like those who have experienced it.

You have all given me some insight and just knowing it is not unusual helps. I can see I must be more patient and not take so personally when he snaps at me. It is just so hard because he is has always been so easy going and it is just not like him to respond the way he has recently.

I, for some unknown reason, never connected his not being able to do what he once did with this possibly causing him to react in "this" manner, but I can see how it could.

I am always just so worried about his health, and then to worry about something not right between us just seems to be too much. Maybe it is I who needs the antidepressants!

Much gratitude to you all and my wishes for your health and well-being go out to you. Thank you.

Beattyann

 

[sylviayasgur]

hi beattyann!
i was so sorry to read that you have to go through this difficult time, now especially, 6 mionths later when you probably expected to be "coasting", right?
i truly have very little to add to what the others said. joey did start getting a little snappy at some point, but that was just frustration and impatience on his part.
antidepressants are amazing meds. they seem to just take the edge off and make things smoother for the person.
would your husband be open to this? does he think he is snapping?
i wish you all the best in resolving/dealing with this issue. it's pretty easily rectified though.
best wishes and good luck, sylvia

 

[Hank]

Short Spouses

Short Spouses

If you ask my wife Michelle, she will say that I too had this problem.

She must be right because she has no reason to make it up. There is a "significant others" forum here, you should go there and ask around also.

Be patient with yours.

And tell yours to get on this forum so we can yell at him for giving you a hard time!!

 

[Beattyann]

Yes Slyvia, you are correct, I did think it would be easier now. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it as him having a problem - "I am the cause of his snapping." Since, this is just not like him, it makes it more difficult.

And thanks Hank, I will try the significant others forum. Unfortunately, Dick is not one to go on line, or talk about his feelings.

I am sure we will get through this - I am glad you are there for me - I have no one else to discuss this matter with. Thank you.

Beattyann