I just have to jump in and reply to all of this, but where do I start!!! First by the fact that this thread has so many replies indicates how this is such a common frustration to those who suffer from heart disease. First my heart goes out to "atvdev", I too could run circles around everyone, and to hear how little support you get from your family is heart breaking. From what I understand you have not been married very long, maybe your husband just doesn't know you well enough to realize the incredible change in you. Bill and I have been together for 23 years now. He had know me for so long as such an achiever, someone who abhored laziness and slackardness, that when I couldn't even get off the sofa, it really scared him, it was so unlike me. Because of this, he has taken over almost all I use to do. He has become sort of a task master over our kids too and they each have a share of the household chores so I basically do nothing that requires physical exurtion. I have a level of stress over this because kids just cant do the job adults do and with Bill and I both being perfectionists. he hardly has patience when the kids slack off, but he really works hard at not getting on their cases too much, of course he too is so weary of the overload. We also trust God and know that He knowing the number of hairs on our head, knows our needs and when He says that even the evil man gives good things to his children, how much more God, who is perfect, will give to His children, I just have to believe that this down time is in perfect order as it was for Joseph, all those years falsely in prision, it was a stepping stone to being the second most powerful man in all of Eygpt!!! The dreams He had given my husband and I were so immense, now it all seems hopeless, though we still plug away at achieving them, we just know that He will make a way where there is none and that with God all things are possible. Our family and friends think us foolish to waste our time on such longshot nonsense, but then they don't understand God's ways of doing things. Why was little "nothing" David able to stand up to Goliath with nothing but a few stones and a sling when whole armies of men quivered in fear? We were also little nothings (but highly determined ones) BEFORE I became so utterly useless, now we can barely get the most basics done each day. For those who might be curious, my husband has had the desire to write screenplays since he was like 4 years old. Of course back then it was just movies like are playing now, but he is writing one that he hopes to show the world of how great and loving God is, to give people hope, when hopelessness so abounds, but without being a preachy, shove God down your throat thing. Well enough of that. To Harrybaby666 who started this whole thread, I think one of the greatest sorrows is a child who does not have a daddy to adore them more than anything else on earth, as they should be. My children thrive on it. Unfortunately so many men have so failed their families,one way or another, and God will judge them harshly, as He says He so hates when a man neglects his family, iI can't quote it right off but it seems to me this is one of the things He hates more than anything else. He does remind us that he is our trueist Father and that He is our Comforter when others, here on earth, fail us. I hope that you are able to not let such a horrible pain hold you in its grip, that you are able to forgive his shortcomings and know that it is truly his loss to not be able to cherish you as you deserve. My husband also had a hard hearted type father, it took him many years to be freed from the pain it caused him, since then he has been able to have instead, compassion, as his father is pretty much estranged from 3 of this other children as well as most of his grandchildren, he is living his sunset years by himself, with no family around. We do our best to keep in touch but how sad for the rest of the family.
My past posts(especially the 1st one) tell of my story so I will try not to repeat too much here but I must say that I have spent the past 7 years in a complete state of frustration as my ability to be an active person has been stolen from me. My problem is different than all of yours in that, though I have severe symptoms, my medical diagnosis is not(its not that I hope for something worse, its more like something is being overlooked). No Dr. has taken my grievances seriously because of this. I so know as "Harpoon" points out that for the most part, we don't even really look sick, not like some really old person all hunched over, gasping for breath even with oxygen tubes up their nose. But every day is so difficult to get through. For example A few weeks back I took my two youngest to McDonalds. I drive a hitop van. I have to swing my legs over the seat to stand up out back, I bend down to unbuckle by infant and pick her up, she is about 20 lbs.. With her on one hip, I reach with my other hand and unbuckle the 6 year old. I open the side door, step down, slam the door shut and walk across the parking lot. I open the door to the restaurant and get in line. This is when it hits me, when I stop. On this occasion, my symptoms were extra strong. It feels like someone is crushing my chest, inside my throat gets all tight, my arms and legs feel nausious (I know that sounds wierd but that is how it feels) all round I feel very weak. Here I am, holding a baby and am also responsible for a little 6 yr old. I am using every ounce of energy to keep standing, to the point of breaking a sweat for the effort. There is no place to sit or even lean against. There are people all around and I am terrified of making a scene, especially when I know my life is not at risk, i.e. full on heart failure, at least that is what the DRs' say. But as often as I have symptoms like this I just think that there has to be something going on that they are not seeing, how can just mild/kinda moderate regurg. in itself disable me so? All the cardiologists that have seen me just shrug their shoulders and send me home. Of course being on Medi-cal (welfare coverage) is the bottom of the medical care barrel there is little that they are authorized to do. Medi-cal has been a Godsend for regular stuff like the kids checkups and minor illnesses but for the serious stuff I feel abandonment. As I contemplate all of this I wonder if my dilemma has to do with the fact that I believe that I am one of those extra sensitive people who seem to be intensely affected by the slightest changes in my body. I do know that back in 92, while preg with #3 I had very similar symptoms and it wound up being hypothyroid but only mildly so, a level where most people never even have symptoms but I was unable to stand up, from sitting, and walk 20 feet without being completely overwhelmed. Once I got on meds I soon felt normal again and was in the best of health until Jun 97 when I became pretty much bedridden for the entire pregnancy of #5 because whenever I tried to do anything I felt as I described above. During this preg it got so bad, even standing in front of the sink brushing my teeth was unbearable. You see I had just gotten off of phen-fen but never even made the connection and since my thyroid again was a bit off we felt that was the source of symptoms and would subside after adjusting meds. 7 years later and it is definately not my thyroid. I have had every other test under the sun and it is not from anything else. This past week my primary Dr. insisted that my regurg. was from having so many babies and that taking phen-fen did NOT damage my heart (back in 92 I also had an echo that showed normal valves) The problem with that theory is that the symptoms began when I was about 2 weeks preg with # 5 (jun 97) and for the two years before that, since having #4 I was in the best health EVER! Being only a couple weeks preg when symptoms began, the only "stresses" to my body were low levels of HCL, I cannot believe for a minute that HCL, being the only stress, causes valve regurg. By the way, I just found out that my individual lawsuit against Wyeth(the company that sold phen-fen) is for naught. After two years of hoping for a substantial settlement, to help get our lives back in some kind of order (me, my husband and our 6 children), my attorney being absolutely confident of this, has been a hard blow. As far as the class action settlement is concerned, the loss of my everyday life, a very active one too, is worth $6000. Of course that is because mild regurg. isn't suppose to even bother anyone. I have never minded how hard our lives have always been, finacially speaking, seems we always seemed to get burned by something outrageous, family and friends are dumbfounded by our hard luck, considering how hard working we were. I never minded hard work, I overcame setbacks, knowing this was part of life(even though ours were way out of line with the average) but now, not having the stamina to hardly keep up with personal hygeine with any consistancy, let alone all the other demands life continually bombards us with, this turns frustration into mental torment. I do my best to "give it to God" as I know is right, but what a struggle. Every moment that I am awake I am so conscious of all that is not being done around me, that I would have just jumped up and done without giving it a thought. Besides that, I have always been a highly creative person, since I was an itty bitty, I always had some project going on, not just anything, it always had to be a challange, bigger and better than anyone else had done. It was my driving force, I just loved the challange, like the athlete pushing to make a spot on the Olympic team. You all know what I mean, that is what drew you to the original post. Other than those who know you intimately, the rest just don't get it. For me, I don't even seem to even have any justification, with only "minimal" heart damage, for being so incompetent. I should mention that constantly grinding at the back of my brain is that we are stuck in a very old, rundown, 1200 sq ft mobilehome, for the past 13 years, on a lot about 2000 sq ft, along with another 168 coaches in this park. The saving grace is it is about 1/4 mile from the beach in south Orange county CA. a very nice part of the country. The bad thing is we are about crazy trying to survive, so many, in such tight quarters. There is only a very narrow carport that our van barely squeezes in, no basements, no attics, etc. The "average" price house in our zipcode is like $650,000-700,000.00!!!!! The size that will barely fit our family adequately. I am a neat freak and I am forced to live in chaos, I need things in order, everything in its place. WE have had to play musical rooms so much that I spend more time trying to find out where something now is, It DRIVES ME NUTS!!! Again, it wouldn't be so bad if I had the energy, I'd just deal with it, I'd whip through this place like a tornado straightening things out. Thanks for reading this very long post, you are all in my prayers, may we all recieve the miracle of a healed body, for by His stripes we ARE healed!!! SO BRING IT ON!!!!!! yours in spirit, momshoaf
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