DH problems

[Barbara Stewart]

I want to start out saying that my husband is a good man and I know they are hard to come by. That said, I amfeeling tired and unloved. All week he has been distant and slyly hostile. THis morning he admitted to me that he is having a hard time with my illness. We had planned to go away this weekend, but now I don't want to go. I wanted to go to the Coast, but he wanted to go somewhere else. I went along, I want to make him happy, but I really got no sense that he wanted to go anywhere.
Basically, I'm so frustrated with his passivity. He doesn't really pay attention to what is going on with me and then when something comes up he's upset. I've tried to explain to him that I'm better, not put back the way I was once upon a time.
I'm trying to express myself here, and it's not coming out. What it comes down to, I guess, is I'm sad and depressed that I'm not all fixed. My bowel, which I've mentioned here, is a problem and now my bp is up and I'm having palpitations and I'm feeling alone and abandoned. I feel left behind. My daughter is VERY busy with her job, new son, new marriage and other responsiblities with her new in-laws. My son is trying to get his life going and my husband is distracted and distant. How do I adjust to this new life of mine. It's like the perfect storm of a life change. What other changes can come along that I have to adjust to. Everyone else is on track and I need to find a new one.
Sorry this is so long and maudlin, but I can't think of anywhere else to go.
Barbara

 

[Karlynn]

I'm sure he has concerns and worries about you that he doesn't want to express to you, so instead it comes out in unproductive ways. He is probably afraid of losing you and so may be distancing himself from you as a form of self-protection. (Glenn and I have been there, done that).

I would recommend that he find someone that he can talk with about his worries. A pastor, a counselor or someone trained to listen and be constructive. Friends will listen, but then they'll just tell him everything is going to be alright and that doesn't do much good when he's not feeling like it will be.

 

[Ross]

Is this something new since becoming sick or has this been festering before? It could be the male protection system kicking in, but by his actions as described, I think there may be more to it then that. I'd seek out some help whether it be marriage counselors, clergy, whatever to get to the bottom of it.

 

[twinmaker]

Barbara, sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have the same question as Ross...has this just started happening? I didn't look up your bio, so I don't know how long you've been having heart problems, etc. If you are newly diagnosed, then maybe your husband is trying to adjust to everything that has changed in your lives. If you're not newly diagnosed and this has just started happening out of nowhere, then I too think it's best to try to find a professional to talk things out with. It sounds to me from reading your note that many new things are happening around you, and this can make things hard on you and then maybe in turn on your husband. Since he has verbalized that he is having a hard time adjusting to your illness, you need to try to get him to talk further about it. Marriage can be hard enough even when everything is going along fine. And when you throw in a major illness, well, things are even tougher. Please try not to get discouraged. There is help out there and here. We're good listeners and we care. LINDA

 

[Mb]

Dear Barbara:

I am also 56 years old. I am not the one who is sick, though, it is my husband. I have found over the past few years, with my husbands health having deteriorated, that both he and I have had to "redefine" ourselves, individually, and as a couple. He no longer works, and I now solely run our construction company, as well as the household, investments, etc. We have become grandparents during this period of time, and he is able to spend a lot of time with the girls, which is invaluable. We are different.....not better, nor worse.....just different. Again, both individually and as a couple.

Both you and your husband may be going through a metamorphases, redefining yourselves, and your marriage.

It may be that you also could use some counseling. Please consider going.
Wishing you well.

Marybeth

 

[catwoman]

Barbara:

I think some of us have been in your shoes at times.

I will be in the San Antonio area (actually the Live Oak Civic Center on Pat Booker Road) on Oct. 21-22 for a cat show. Perhaps you might want to come by & we can visit at the show. You can PM me, if you'd like.

 

[Barbara Stewart]

Thanks everybody

Thanks everybody

Marsha,
Would love to come by and meet you. I also am a cat lover. In fact my favorite cat is here rubbing his head against my fingers as I type (yes, I play favorites with my cats, not children.)
I'll PM you with my home phone number and you can call and we'll set something up. Can't wait to meet you! Barbara

 

[catwoman]

I'll be wearing -- er, showing -- a brown tabby & white Maine Coon named Sox. Unless he demolishes my home....