dad's denial harder to deal with than mine was

[Trinityheart8891]

hey guys,

well, as Cort says "Irony Rocks!"

I really am doing ok, dispite the way this sounds, I'm just a little frustrated, life is really strange sometimes!

tuesday morning my dad and I got in a fight.

As soon as I got up he threw several tasks on my plate (he was on his way out the door), one of which was bringing a bag of pellets. I tried to tell him how hard bringing pellets up is on me sometimes

(lately, I am stuck doing this all the time and its really frustrating to me that it seems like he is intentionally leaving this task for me to do)

he said something along the lines of "dont play this with me" (like I was just saying that for the fun of it, like I like "playing" the limitations) and finished by saying "what you really need to do is get off your arse more"

I told him that he cant judge the way I feel, or tell me what I can and cant do because he doesnt live in my skin, then proceeded to remind him that I am never home, and that he doesnt know what I do and dont do.

he then specified that he meant that I need to do more around the house.

I took this as insight, I understand that he's probably frustrated that I have a hard time doing these things. I also feel like he's in denial. this isnt the first time we've had a fight like this. last time we had one I talked to my mom (who used to act the same way, but she finally "got it" and is actually helping me now by checking in with me, and helping me make good decisions about my health and stuff) and she said he is expressing is frustrations. . . the things he is telling me that I need to do are the things that he wishes I would/could do. the last time we scuffled is because I was resting alot, and hanging out on my computer because I didnt feel that good. he told me that I'd feel better if I got off my arse and did more, and that all I ever do is hang out on the computer.

this screams frustration, loud and clear, this also screams denial. I am not sure what to do about this. I have been holding my ground on these things, but it obviously gets hard. I accidentally told him to "shut up" on tuesday morning. I didnt mean to, but it secretly felt good. I inevitably buckle, and just do whatever it was that we were fighting over (IE bringing up the pellets) because its easier than fighting over it. I know this isnt good for me, mentally or physically it makes me feel like my needs are unimportant, and when I am having a bad day, having to bring the pellets upstairs really takes a toll on me.

I am taking my mom's advice, and am trying to understand that he is just trying to express his frustrations, but it kinda feels like a one sided answer, it helps me understand, but it doesnt help with my needs. I understand that I cant change him, I have to change myself, and just deal with this until he learns to accept things. does anyone have any more insight on this, I dont really understand where he's coming from the way I need to, just like he doesnt understand what I have to deal with, and belittles it. I need some perspective, I cant understand this from a father's point of view, I guess thats something I'll never have.

does anyone here have any advice? insight?

I really appreciate the help

thanks in advance

 

[Nancy]

Well, I cannot speak about your dad's feelings or perspectives--I can't relate at all to his point of view.

I can only tell you that you have my deepest sympathies on having to deal with "his" frustrations along with your own which are plenty and enough.

I know some people react this way when faced with the illness of their loved ones, and the limitations it places on them. It always feels like a very self-centered point of view and immature.

I don't know why this happens, I guess it is a kind of depression that your dad is having. It sure sounds mean to me.

I will tell you that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If hauling pellets around is a problem for you, then just don't do it. You are the only one who knows how you are feeling.

Of course your dad will react with anger. Is he physically abusive with you?

 

[geebee]

Some people's way of dealing with tough situations is to ignore them which sound like what is happening. That being said, your dad is putting unrealistic expectations on you.

Words cannot cause pysical damage but actions based on them can. You need to follow your doctor's orders regarding your limits and not be intimidated by your dad into doing things you shouldn't be doing.

If this continues to be a war of words, perhaps some family counseling would be in order. If it gets beyond a war of words and into physical confrontations, some more intense intervention must take place.

Not sure how much this might have helped but know that you need to stand your ground.

 

[catwoman]

One idea:

Is there a way to change some things up so that you can do some things? I'm not sure what these pellets are (wood stove? water softener?), but perhaps they could be stored somewhere else so that you're not having to lift them and tote them upstairs or a long distance or whatever.

Have you told your dad how frustrating it is for you not to be "normal" yet? I expressed my frustration many times to my husband, extended family and close friends in the first 6 or so months post-op. It was nearly 1 year before I felt consistently "normal." Even now, I sometimes "crash" with fatigue. However, when I describe my schedule to my cardiologist, he chuckles and says that he would be exhausted by my schedule.

It may be that your dad will be unwilling to bend a little, but it's worth a try to at least appear that you'd willing to help -- with some adjustments to help you out temporarily.

 

[BDMc]

Sorting it Out

Sorting it Out

Morgan, How about getting a note from one of your docs that gives guidelines for activity? Weight lifting limits etc...If there is an objective source, he won't feel like you are just lazy, and may even feel more empathy. Best of luck. Brian

 

[Mary]

Morgan,
I think Marsha and Brian's ideas are both good. Just don't let his attitude get you down.

 

[njean]

Dear Morgan,

Sometimes trying to convince others that we don't feel well and/or that we truly have a serious illness & serious limitations on what we can & can not do, is almost impossible. How many times have others including myself, on this forum heard, "but, you look so good; I can't believe you're this sick!" Some people just don't get it! And that can include family.

My advice to you is that your health comes first; you need to take care of you! If your Dad and/or others cannot understand this, then I'm sorry, but that is just too bad!

I truly hope that your Dad will come to understand your illness but if he doesn't, "then Morgan needs to take care of Morgan!"

God Bless,
Norma

 

[hensylee]

I agree with Brian's remarks. And going even farther, why not ask your dad to go with you on your next Dr visit. Also, your mother might have a little influence, esp if she has been to the dr with you.

 

[Bina]

Morgan, we have huge, heavy pellet bags, I hope you are not lifting those!
Please get a note from your doctor on your lifting restrictions and talk to your Dad when things have cooled down. Never try to discuss in the heat of the moment, it is a waste of time and things will be said that can never be taken back.

 

[donnamarie]

I agree with Brian's remarks. And going even farther, why not ask your dad to go with you on your next Dr visit. Also, your mother might have a little influence, esp if she has been to the dr with you.

This is what I was thinking - have your dad go with you to the doctor and ask the doctor very pointed questions about what you can and can't do. It must be so hard on you - I'm sorry!

 

[Superbob]

Morgan,

Sorry you are having these problems. I think Brian's and Ann's suggestions are very good, and hopefully would help. We have a wood pellet stove in the home we bought here. I've never used it, but I guess in VT it might be a necessity. Anyway, if wood pellets are what you are talking about, I know the bags of them are heavy and cumbersome to lift and NO WAY should you be doing that.

Hopefully your dad was just having a bad day, and things will get smoother. If he doesn't fully understand, I think getting the doctor's note, or even getting him to go to the doctor with you, could help.

 

[Trinityheart8891]

thank you everyone!
I feel like I just got a massive hug, I really needed that.

my dad doesnt get physical with his fighting, he just uses alot of loaded words and stuff like that, its really enough to put me over the edge sometimes. . . but in reality its nothing but words.

I was just on the phone with my mom, and I told her what was going on again and she said "oh, you are still having a power struggle over that" thats what it is, its a power struggle, and he doesnt realize that when he gets his way in this one its actually detrimental to me.

yes, those are the bags I am talking about, 50 lb bags of wood pellets, they are stored in the basement, we cant really store them anywheres upstairs, we have an open floor plan, but what I can do, is see if he will bring one upstairs and set it by the stove so when the stove needs to be filled I wont have to carry one upstairs . . .

I have tried to express to him how hard it is to not be normal one day I am fine, and one I am lucky if I can get through the day. . . like people have said here, he tends to blow it off and ignore it, kinda like I am speaking out my butt. I have gotten some suggestions from another board, and one of them was something along the lines of a C.A.R.E. Confrontation. I didnt think of using this tool, but I think its appropriate here. I am also going to work on getting a doctor's note, I dont think he's considerate enough to go to a docs appt over something like this, but I can still get a note.

another place I may get some leverage is that I just qualified for a disabled parking placard, he may realize that if I qualify for the placard, I've obviously got some issues.

I'm gonna work on this, he doesnt trust my mom (divorce) I'm gonna talk to family members, have someone else tell him (someone from his family) get a doctors note, and see what happens. . .

in the mean time, he left the pellet stove almost empty yet again. I am gonna go fill it, and get in the shower and ready for school

thanks again!

Morgan, 20

 

[Karlynn]

Morgan,
So sorry to hear of your struggles with your Dad. I have a husband who paddled up and down De Nile for many years, he even still take occasional trips. Recently we had an argument over the garage door . Opener has been broke for years. He thinks I don't put my car in the garage because I'm too lazy to get out and open the door. Doesn't occur to him the door is all wood and very heavy and I'm not supposed to lift things that heavy - let alone in that horrible body position.

You need to keep to the limits that are in your best interest. Having something happen as you carry 50 pound bags is a poor way of saying "I told you so." to your Dad. You have some good ideas.

I do have a question - with the many heart related issues you are experiencing (enough so that you have a disabled parking permit) why are they not considering surgery for you at this time? Your profile says 10-20 years?

I had severe arrhythmia with my MVP. They waited and waited to do surgery. (It's what they did back then for someone in their late 20's). The arrhythmia was what was so debilitating to my life. My doctor said he couldn't guarantee that surgery (replacement) would fix it. But it did. I should have had the surgery 3 years before I did.

 

[Nancy]

I'm going to ask the obvious--

Why can't a big strong man haul around the pellets. Why is he leaving it to his smaller, not as strong daughter who has a serious heart condition?

For shame, big guy!

How about making your daughter's life a little easier??!!!!

 

[Lynlw]

I'm going to ask the obvious--

Why can't a big strong man haul around the pellets. Why is he leaving it to his smaller, not as strong daughter who has a serious heart condition?

For shame, big guy!

How about making your daughter's life a little easier??!!!!

Thank you, that was my thought. 50 pounds is big even for a smaller person who has a perfectly good heart. I know alot of the girls Justin's age, would have a tough time carrying 50 pound bag,let alone upstairs. I'm sure it would be easier for a bigger person.
Morgan you got some good suggestions on both boards, But it seems like your dad won't cooperate. I don't know how the pellet stove work or if you need to Would it be possible to keep the open bag down stairs and just bring up a bucket or 2 for the stove as you need it?
I also was wonderring the same as Karlynn, if you are having so many problems now, why are the doctors making you wait 10 or more years? Have you considerred getting a 2nd opinion? I'm sure he/she probably is, but is your doctor an ACHD specialist?
Lyn

 

[Trinityheart8891]

hey,

I agree with you nancy, and lyn, sometimes he just doesnt think like that though, he forgets that that 50 lb bag is half of my weight, while its only 1/4th of his weight. I need to work on getting that through his head.

as far as how severe my heart issues are, I am not sure, I am only seeing my cardio every other year, and he thinks they are still pretty mild. My symptoms dont agree though. I have been seeing my GP every few months lately to keep tabs on things since my passing out in june. the 10 yrs was an estimate, and in my oppinion was a pretty generous estimate. Lyn, my cardio isnt an ACHD cardio, but he's a ped cardio that sees some adults too. I am gonna talk to my GP about things when I see her in december. we'll see what she says then. I hope, like you guys say, that this thing happens sooner than later, for my sanity! I am learning some things in school that lead me to believe that it wont be long. we shall see though, gonna go live the heck out of life!

I gotta go now though, I think bed is gonna come early tonight

thanks again
Morgan

 

[Guest]

hey guys,

well, as Cort says "Irony Rocks!"

*grins*

Ahhhh...someone thinks of me!!! he he


Seriously, though, sorry I wasn't on here last night to see this then. BUT ... Ann stole my idea . Have your Dad go with you to one of your appointments ... and have him talk to your doctor. I know you mentioned you would get a note (er, at least, I thought I read that you posted that), but I think it would have more impact if he was there LISTENING to it IN PERSON.....

*shrugs*

Just my 2 cents, anyway.

Very sorry you are having to deal with this, Morgan .



Cort:34swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"I walk away and you won't know" ... Phil Collins ... 'Can't Stop Loving You'

 

[Debrinha GT]

A piece fo advice to you...

A piece fo advice to you...

I`ve had to deal with my heart issues most of my life and I`ve seen all kinds of reaction coming from people. While one person is sympathetic towards it and can even get on your nerves by trying to over protect you, there`s always another who may think that you`r using your illness as an excuse to get out of having to do the things you don`t like or don`t want to to. I believe this happens for a number of reasons:
Denial is one of them
The person`s nature or way of seeing things
The habit fo comparing, you know, "If it was me, I would..."
And ultinately, lack of knowledge

Now, there`s nothing wrong about you feeling bad about you dad`s attitude, and it doesn`t mean you`re after self-pity either, but realisticly speaking, he`s not likely to change. The only thing you can do at this point, is try and ignore his snide remarks and carry on by only doing what you feel you can ,rather than try and reason with him. Maybe by doing that, you`ll manage to get him off your back as some people tend to like arguing until they are blue in the face just to prove a point. You don`t need to change to suit him and once he realises you`ve given up trying to convince him that you do feel unwell, he might stop his nonsense.
Hope that helps.
Good luck!
Debora