Consoling

[Michelle D]

One of my best friend's mother died today. I'm 28 and so this is the first time I need to help a friend with the death of their mother. He loved her so much and was very close. I feel so bad, I'd be beyond devastated if my mother died. What can I do? He lives alone and has Only a couple close friends locally. How could I help?

 

[Jkm7]

The best thing you can do for him IMO is be available to him. Call to chat for a few minutes. Sense his mood. If he doesn't want to talk, tell him you're there for him whenever he feels like chatting. Bring him a home cooked meal he can zap or better yet, invite him to join your family for dinner one night. Most of us think in terms of talk and food when hoping to comfort friends. Just be his friend. He needs one now. He'll need a good listener at some point and a hug never hurts.

 

[Freddie]

Pending on what type of person your friend is, he may want to be alone or he may want some quiet company.

For the time being, be there for him in person if you can, offer help in any way shape or form. Cook up a couple of sweet treats and maybe a dinner were he can warm up himself - no one feels like eating during this time, but they do need to eat.

Who knows maybe a little quiet dinner between the two of you is all he'll need.

 

[Marcia58]

Just sit there with him. Let him talk, if he wants. He may want to talk about how his mom lived, or how she died, or how he found out about it. He may not want to talk at all. If he wants to talk about her life, and you knew her, you might ask if you can share a special memory you have of her. Even if you only met her once or twice, you may want to mention something that stood out: "She was always so gracious." or "She was so beautiful." Mostly just be there when he needs you.

 

[AgilityDog]

And Be there LATER.

It took me months to get past the death of my father.

When my sister died, I couldn't even cry in front of my husband for months, it hurt so much.

He doesn't just need you now, he'll need you next week, and next month, and the month after that. So stay in touch. He may isolate himself for a while, or not. Put a note on your calendar to call him at least every other week, and invite him out, or just chat.

 

[Bina]

Yes, send a handwritten note or card, and call just to say, "Hey, how are you doing today?"
When my Mom passed away the worst of it hit a couple of months later, all of a sudden the tears and emotion all came out and my husband was there to catch me and console me. It is rough for a long time.

 

[watson524]

I went through this almost 3 years ago when my dad passed away. I'm an only child and am very close to my parents. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on a Friday in September and passed away exactly 7 weeks later. I live right down the road from my parents (next house down but we live on a lot of land...) and mom and I had each other and my husband but I definitely second Laurie's comment of "be there later". Obviously you want to show support now but a lot of people don't realize that after the ceremony/services/burial etc it suddenly becomes very quiet without all the hub bub of planning going on. Continue to check up on him when things quiet down. I lost a good friend in June of this year and I was close to him and his brother... his brother really went through a difficult time afterwards because his brother had been sick for over a year and moved back home with him so suddenly, he wasn't there and after family and all went home, he struggled. Sometimes he'd want to come over for a beer or to chat, other times not but it's nice to know someone realizes it doesn't just all get better and you don't just get over it. It's a process and he needs to go through all stages.

 

[Marcia58]

I agree with "be there later" too. I didn't really start to grieve my dad's death in an auto accident until 9 months after the wreck. Your friend's loss and grief will be "off the radar" for most people after about 6 weeks. That's when he'll really need someone who continues to show up! (Especially as he works his way through the "year of firsts: First Christmas, new years, birthday, etc., w/o his mom.)

Thanks for caring enough to ask!

 

[Eva]

Offer your availability to listen to him whenever he needs to talk to someone, and make sure he believes your offer is genuine and something he can depend on!
Listen to him attentively to whatever he says without offering any advice at this stage...just agree with him how painful this should be on him!

Buy him a book as a gift which will help him go through his grief. I was devastated by the death of my one and only brothers. "The Mourning Handbook" picked me up and shortened my grief period. You can buy a used one from Amazon on line for as few as $5. Make sure the comment says: "looks like brand new" or "Has not been used", etc.

I recommend it and give it as gifts to my relatives and friends who are mourning.

Invite him over for a meal, if your hubby does not mind. (I remember you mentioned once you are married! Right?). Man to man talk will help him.

 

[Greg a]

I would also suggest that you OFFER your aid in any planning that must be done