aging

[Birky]

I know that there are a lot of people my age that are taking of their parents or parent. In my case, I have an 85 yr. old Mom who is by herself, Dad passed away 6 years ago. I took her to the Dr. yesterday and then took her with me to the hospital to get a Protime done. They were so busy and I would say at least 75 of the patients were waiting were elderly and had children bringing them in for their tests. She is getting so frail and it is really sad to watch this happen. She introduces me to her friends as her daughter and best friend. I do as much as I can with her and I have a great husband who doesn't have a problem with this. His Mom has been in the nursing home for 5 years with dimentia and that is a whole different situtation. It is scary to think that this aging is creeping up on all of us. I guess no matter how long you have a parent, you want them to be the same for a little while longer. Life sure can reverse itself,

 

[Raverlaw]

Marcia,

My parents are a little younger, 73, and can still get around well, but I can see the time coming soon when they're going to need help. Dad's had stents and has hpertension, his eyes are going bad and he can barely see out of one eye. Mom's got a pacemaker. They live on three acres and need a helper now to take care of the grove there. They like to travel in their motorhome, but with Dad's vision problems I'm sure that won't last.

In ten years I'm sure they're going to need daily assistance. They live over 6 hours away and I'm concerned about how we're all going to deal with it.

 

[Marge]

Marcia, my mom passed away last summer, and I went through what you are talking about. With my mom it was just me and my husband (I have no sibs). It is hard to get used to taking care of your parents rather than vice-versa. My mom had her own two room apartment (very nice) in an assisted living home, and she never lost her mental faculties, but it was sad to see her going down physically. I had a lot of arguments with her about things like eating (she completely lost her appetite & got so thin andf frail) and about meds (she'd forget to take hers, or just not want to, and eventually I had to put her on a program where the assisted-living people dispensed the meds and made sure she took them, and she resented that horribly -- I felt so guilty, depriving her of her independence).

When the end came it was swift, and we had no long drawn out hospital or nursing home stays, which is as she would have wanted it. She had spent two months in a nursing home the preceding year, after she fell and broke and arm and a rib, but was able to get back to her own apartment where she died. It was a very GOOD nursing home, but it was a nursing home & we are grateful she did not have to stay on there.

After she died, I was having trouble sleeping. So I eventually went to my PCP. During the exam he said, "I think you have a murmur," and sent me out for an EKG and an echo -- which, of course, revealed the mitral regurgitation. From there it was a referral to cardiology, and eventually, a few months later, my valve repair. Since I was not aware of symptoms, I wonder if this problem would have been discovered as early as it was -- had it not been for my depression over my mom's death. I have this feeling that she is still watching over me, even after her death.

 

[ShezaGirlie]

Marcia,
I think they call us the 'sandwich generation.' Your post sounds so much like my situation. My Father passed away in 1996 and my Mother lives alone. She's now 88 and in perfect health except for getting around and she's sharper 'n a tack. She had to take a driving test to renew her driver's license last year and she passed!

Marge,
I think it's wonderful that your Mom is looking out for you even now -- she's your guardian angel now. After all, we are and always will be their 'little girls.'

My Mom will be in 'hog heaven' this weekend. There's a family wedding and my sister will be here from Long Beach along with my sister in San Antonio and me. So, she's got her three little girlies for the week!

 

[Guest]

I readily admit that as my parents get older, I wonder how I'll be able to take care of them as much as they've taken care of me over the years.

Seeing my grandmother a couple years ago go from good to bad to worse in a matter of months was downright depressing. Sometimes, I'm glad that she and Gramps moved to Pinecrest in Mt Morris IL (a 1.25 hr drive from here) when they did because it made her death a bit easier to take, since I wasn't seeing them as often as I had when they lived here.

Gramps is still living and doing better than any of us thought he would. Yeah, he has his moments when it is painfully obvious that he isn't exactly aware of what is going on or what has happened, etc., but then there are times that he blows us all away with what he remember and says. When Gram was still alive, he'd always tell us all to "go talk to your mother, she needs you more than I do". And then he'd go to sleep. Now, it's just the opposite. He is going uphill rather than downhill...which is a definite plus .

It just also makes me feel guilty that I don't get out to see him as much as I'd like. It's also frustrating that, even tho I absolutely love to drive (d'oh...LOL), I strongly dislike having to "schedule" time to go see him. For instance, if I can't leave here until about noon and then have to be back home by 4 for something, that gives me approximately a half hour of visiting time; hardly worth the trip. So, when I do go out, I usually plan to eat a meal with him (normally lunch) and then stay until about 3 or 4 or sometimes right before he goes to dinner. No matter how long I stay, I always feel bad for leaving.... But, he seems quite content where he is, which was Gram's goal...once they moved to Pinecrest, she was much more relaxed because she knew Gramps would be taken care of...and he is!

*reviews post*

Aye...not sure where the helk that all came from....

Cort, "Mr Road Trip"/"The Uniter", 30swm w/pig valve & pacemaker
member & newsletter editor, Faith COB = http://www.faithcob.org
"Mr MC"'s Family...& train & models = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
RIP = '76, Parents' [my] MC ... '88 MC LS ... '00 "mc" LS
Spotting MCs = http://www.chevyasylum.com/mcspotter/main.html
MC's Future = http://www.projectmonte.com/petition/

 

[Kathy]

My dad was a very savvy traveler as he traveled frequently on business. When my he was in his late seventies I flew out and brought him back to Ohio for medical treatment. I dropped him at the door, found a wheelchair and returned the rental car, then went to the with our tickets to check in. I will always remember standing at that counter and realizing that somehow the tables had turned and I was in charge. Even more shocking was the fact that my dad was sitting there and letting me take over.

Of course, now it occurs to me that someday I'll be in the same position as my father.

 

[labguides]

I was the "sandwich generation". Fortunately, my parents (I am an only child) moved to be near us when they were in their mid 70's. My Dad had Alzheimers and my Mother's health was not good. All this, while our kids were in elementary school - high school. Sure kept me busy. At that time, our daughter (socworm) was in elementary school. She could curl up on the bed with my Dad and chatter away -- even when he could not respond.

My DH took 2 years leave of absence, so he could drive from CA to NE 1x a month to spend 2 weeks helping his elderly parents. By this time, the kids were no longer living at home.

Our daughter (socworm) spent every vacation while she was in grad school going from NV to NE to help her grandparents. She was the one who could get grandma to eat and the one who get grandpa to stop feeling sorry for himself and laugh with her.

We both feel that most MD's do not know what to do with the elderly and will not take the necessary time with the elderly -- so frustrating !!!

 

[Rich]

My parents moved to Florida a number of years ago. They are both long gone now. When my dad became ill it was really bad because they were 1200 mile away. Although I spent a week down there when he was in the hospital I had a wife and three kids to take care of not to mention a very busy job.
Now it's getting closer to 'our turn' and we learned a valuble lesson.
Many of our friends are now living in Florida and want us to join them. It sounds good but who would be there for us when we start downhill?
So as tough as it might get for our kids we will probably stay where were at, it's something we all have to go thru and it's just part of life.

 

[MarkU]

I moved to FL about 20 years ago with my job and my retired parents followed us down about 12 years ago.
My father is in stage four of renal cell cancer and my mother fell a few months ago and broke several bones. I've had to assume power of attorney for them and also have been named as their medical surrogate.
Due to his medications and chemo treatments my father is not always very lucid, so I have to attend all the consultations with the doctors to make certain that he understands what is going on.
I am just thankful that my parents are close by where I can look after them. I think it is worse for my two brothers up North who have to rely on telephone calls or occasional visits down here.

Mark

 

[hensylee]

My brother is 74 and in assisted living facility. He is a bachelor, so that leaves my sister and me to take care of his needs. I take him to doctors, take him out to stores and visit with him, lunch with him. Sister doesn't do much - she has a business and that's her child, so most of the stuff is mine to do, but I do what I can for him, however am limited in what I am able to do.

Have you all thought of insurance that would take care of your loved one in assisted living if it should become necessary. It is available and the cost now would save you much later on - besides freeing you to live your own lives. And look into it for yourselves, too. Believe me, whether you want to think about it or not, your time is coming and it is always a surprise that we become the children and the children make the decisions for us!

My children worry just like you - I am 71 and so far can maneuver for myself (I lived alone, with pets, but daughter moved back home last Oct for reasons that have nothing to do with me and it's nice to have her around. Comforting, you know) I do think we keep our oldies far too long and, in many cases, longer than they want to stay. I look at my poor brother and I know he wants to go but then, he hasn't a choice, does he.

 

[cookie]

Scarey thought isn't it? Having the tables turned? I lost my Mom when she was 53 (28 yrs ago). Dad remarried and is now a widower again. We just bought a small house in Fla. in the Villages and moved him down there. He just couldn't take the weather here anymore. He is still very active, golf, pickle ball, fishing, sightseeing etc but I worry about him being down there with no family close. I talk to him every other day but what if something happened in the middle of the nite? He isn't much of a socializer and has just passing acquaintances. No one to really to check on him if something should happen.
I can't say I like this role reversal stuff. My kids always joke that I should be nice to them because they are the ones that will choose my nursing home. I laugh but, in reality, it may come down to that. Yikes! I just hate it! Hopefully I inherited Dad's genes! He will be 83 in May and still going strong!

 

[hensylee]

Cookie, I'll bet your dad is just fine in Florida. I don't know where the Villages is, but I bet it's right smack in the middle of the state.

I used to hang out with some of those retirees and they had far more energy and get up and go than I did. They danced, played cards, shuffleboard, visited, shopped, dated - and if you ever saw one of them just sittin in a rocker on the porch he/she wasn't resting - just waitin for the next event to start. And I would also bet there are widows keeping a sharp eye on your dad - just in case he looks their way. (and they really do show up with casseroles) Those folks know how to enjoy life - and their kids are back up north grieving for their parent who is having a ball. Most of them wouldn't even let their kids know how much fun they are having. Too embarrassed to let them know that the parents have become young again.

 

[bvdr]

In the last 4 years we lost my dad, my mother-in-law, and my father in law.

About ten years ago we built a house with a walk-out lower level that was actually designed for living quarters for any of our parents should the need arise. 8 months ago we sold it as it was too much for me to take care of and we no longer faced the eventuallity of having a parent with us.

I relate to so many of these posts. I know the feeling expressed by Kathy regarding the exchange of rolls. My father-in-law and I always had a really good relationship. As a child I was so in awe of him as he was one of the elders in our church and a very very learned man. My husband and I married when I was just 18 and at that point I think I was just intimidated. I was just a young girl without a college education and he was the CFO of a large company and lived in one of those large homes in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. As the years progressed, we grew very very close and we would often spend hours on the phone talking. In his later years I became his caregiver when he was recovering from one thing or another. He worked well into his 80's.

Eventually, after my mother-in-law died, his mind started failing.
I went to stay with him for a couple of weeks and he left some things out that I'm sure he meant for me to find. This man who traveled the country advising financial strategies had overdrafts and would leave the house and get lost.

We talked the next morning and at that time it hit me that this dear sweet man now was looking up to me. My stay became an extended one and we had some wonderful times in those weeks.
He didn't want to live with any of his children but chose to live in an assisted living center. He died at age 90.

My own dad.........what can I say but that I will miss him every day of my life. He died a couple of years ago with pulmonary fibrosis and lung cancer.

I feel like I have already lost my mom since her memory has gone. She lives in Michigan near my sisters.

I don't think I'll live to be as old as my parents got and that doesn't seem to be such a bad thing after all. I'm trying to keep things in order for others since I've been through the sorting out and dispersing of possessions for others several times lately.

But so is the nature of life isn't it. We are here only a short while.

 

[Guest]

"But so is the nature of life isn't it. We are here only a short while."

Ah, Betty...you nailed it square on the head with that line.

And, that time is far too short, though we don't really realize it...until it is too late.

 

[hensylee]

This is a sad subject. I found this in my e this morning so to lighten the subject a bit, here tis. Pretty much true. Brother, a friend and I used to say that if we didn't have dr visits, we'd have no place to go:

I worked years for someone else
So that I could retire.
I dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.

I dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight on that concept,
It is simply wrong.

I did junk my safety glasses
And the work boots that cramped my toes.
But, the rest of it had a mind of it's own
And this is how it goes.

My wife had been thinking of retirement
And had plans of her own.
She had spent much time with the kids
But, now they are grown and gone.

We sold our cattle and horses
So we wouldn't have that chore.
I poured concrete over my alarm clock
But, I still wake up at four.

I get my eyes checked on Monday.
Ann gets hers checked the next day.
I go for a colon check on Wednesday
And pass my wife going the other way.

I have a dental appointment on Thursday.
Ann goes for a test on her heart.
Friday we go get prescriptions filled
And browse a while at Wal-mart.

Saturdays we just stay home
And try to get the paper work right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.

Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday
And we really do hate that.
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.

We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are.
We'll need them to survive.

So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,
While strolling through the clover.
This is a typical week in retirement
And on Monday we start all over!

Author Unknown

 

[Granbonny]

Proud of my Dad

Proud of my Dad

Who will be age 90 this Oct. 25th..He still keeps house (like Mama, who passed away 2 years ago}..Cooks his own breakfast everyday. Bacon, eggs, grits and biscuits. Cleans the kitchen. Walks a mile. Does his laundry..irons his shirts.. If I don't call him everyday..he will hunt me down on my mobile . Where are you? Called this morning, neighbor answered..said Daddy was in back yard cutting down old dead tree... Neighbor was helping..thank goodness. He is surrendered by great neighbors. He is sharp too..knows everything going on in world and our life Kids and grandkids.. Am leaving Thursday for a 4 day visit..All I do is clean up a little more since he has bad eye sight and gets things spilled on floor that he cannot see. ..........Bonnie