PairoDocs
Well-known member
I guess that there's no delicate way of saying this, but in August of this year, Laura decided that my stunted recovery from my emergency mitral valve repair, manifested by my not getting back into living again, was just too much for her. There was no abuse, physical, verbal, or emotional. There was no adultery. I just wasn't a good enough "leader" in our marriage. When I had first come to the forum I thought that I had beaten the odds. I was so critical when I arrived for surgery I was expected to have only a 50% chance of mere survival, and 90% chance of noticeable brain damage/deficit--thus only a 5% chance of coming out the other side the same Chris I went in as. Well it appears that I wasn't as spared as I thought I'd been. My Aspgerger's Syndrome symptoms and ADHD symptoms became worse and have remained so. Puzzles and games I once found easy are now difficult. For example, a game, RHEM 3, I had extensively beta-tested for the developer, while difficult, I could fairly easiliy and rapidly solve the puzzles. When I tried the same game again both shortly after the OHS and just a month ago I became hopelessly lost and couldn't see the 'creative' solutions I used to see easily. I read over my doctoral dissertation, and while I understood it, I can no longer mentally project the chemistry into what could have been the foundation of my academic research career. I remember I used to be able to do that. Even my science fiction has become rather juvenile in content, very linear and flat. Whereas before, while my characters were sometimes flat, I could mentally keep track of many parallel plot lines, and thus my stories flowed and made logical sense and were interesting to my readers. I've read over my own recent work and have seen story and plot inconsistencies so severe I don't think I'll ever be able to publish since I can't see how to resolve them; before I could just rewrite a few paragraphs and all would be fine. Since none of my prior work was complete, I can't even attempt to publish my other novels.
Oddly enough I'm not really depressed anymore. This self-evaluation is merely factual and not me feeling sorry for myself. I was totally oblivious to Laura's symptoms of probable MS development; before the OHS I could tell exactly how she felt and when she was sick. She told me that she couldn't take my lack of awareness of her needs anymore, and I agreed with her. I am trying to remain friends with her, but she's told me she can't rely on me anymore except for specific discrete events and needs. Since I could no longer function in the intellectual areas as I had been trained in, and am ill-prepared for other directions in life, Laura and the kids suffered as a consequence. I railed at God for 'making me this way' instead of seeking Him for help to accept the changes. I have thus come to the conclusion that I wasn't spared brain damage. I suspect am still in the upper 1/3 or so of expected recovery, just enough to be completely aware of all I've lost. Now I've lost Laura, too. I've reached a place of peace about her departure, and hope that my acceptance of my lower functionality will be enough for me to take my fair share of child-care and adequate upkeep of my house. Laura is the one moving out, and due to my inability to work, I'm the one receiving alimony and child support for my 50% share of the kids' care. I used to be a man of my word, but since my memory is so bad, I seldom keep my promises to any consistent extent anymore, even if I write reminder notes and write on the calendar. I once used to keep our half-acre lawn nicely mowed, but I'm lucky if I mow it more than five times in a year, so it grows tall and weedy. I've accepted that this will never end, so that's why I'm no longer sad about it. I will need the Lord's help to adapt to single life and to my newly accepted deficits, so I'd be grateful for any prayers.
Thanks,
Chris
Oddly enough I'm not really depressed anymore. This self-evaluation is merely factual and not me feeling sorry for myself. I was totally oblivious to Laura's symptoms of probable MS development; before the OHS I could tell exactly how she felt and when she was sick. She told me that she couldn't take my lack of awareness of her needs anymore, and I agreed with her. I am trying to remain friends with her, but she's told me she can't rely on me anymore except for specific discrete events and needs. Since I could no longer function in the intellectual areas as I had been trained in, and am ill-prepared for other directions in life, Laura and the kids suffered as a consequence. I railed at God for 'making me this way' instead of seeking Him for help to accept the changes. I have thus come to the conclusion that I wasn't spared brain damage. I suspect am still in the upper 1/3 or so of expected recovery, just enough to be completely aware of all I've lost. Now I've lost Laura, too. I've reached a place of peace about her departure, and hope that my acceptance of my lower functionality will be enough for me to take my fair share of child-care and adequate upkeep of my house. Laura is the one moving out, and due to my inability to work, I'm the one receiving alimony and child support for my 50% share of the kids' care. I used to be a man of my word, but since my memory is so bad, I seldom keep my promises to any consistent extent anymore, even if I write reminder notes and write on the calendar. I once used to keep our half-acre lawn nicely mowed, but I'm lucky if I mow it more than five times in a year, so it grows tall and weedy. I've accepted that this will never end, so that's why I'm no longer sad about it. I will need the Lord's help to adapt to single life and to my newly accepted deficits, so I'd be grateful for any prayers.
Thanks,
Chris
