Afraid To Live and Afraid To Die

[jkn2kids]

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? I'm afraid to live with my bad valve and aneurysm,but I'm also afraid of dying on the table.I feel as if I'm in some kind of purgatory and can't escape.I want the cure but I'm also afraid of the cure.It's tough when you're walking around feeling relatively healthy but also knowing you can't escape your destiny.

 

[Phyllis]

I think that must be one of the hardest things about this whole process- especially when you are feeling good. The waiting for the surgery has to be the hardest part, but you have to remember that the statistics are VERY good. Just do your homework and pick the best surgeon and hospital available to you and you will be fine!

 

[BAV Pt's daughter]

I know my mom had the same turmoil that you are enduring right now, but here we are, just 8 days post-op, and its as if the hugest weight has been lifted. She says that surgery was a piece of cake compared to the horror of living every day with the risk of her aneurysm rupturing ever-present, looming over her. Surgery is risky, yes, but the best surgeons have less than 3% mortality rates, and most of those deaths are usually associated with other underlying conditions, it seems. It's always a tough call, but please do not wait too long. The chances of surviving a rupture are MUCH less than those of surviving surgery.

 

[Marcus]

I felt the same way

I felt the same way

but I will say that the waiting was the toughest part........by far. I almost wish I would've had surgery the day after diagnosis.

Trust in the Lord.........he'll get you through.

God Bless You.

Marcus

 

[tobagotwo]

Well, the odds are convincingly stacked.

Untreated, you will die.

On the surgeon's table, you have an overwhelmingly large chance of living.

I guess the biggest thing about it is how unfair it is to be put in this situation in the first place. It is entirely unfair, no question. Yet here we are.

I can tell you that waking up from this surgery was one of the most exhillarating moments of my life, even though I was still under a thick cloud of anesthesia. I hope you will feel the same way, too.

Best wishes,

 

[KAJ]

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? I'm afraid to live with my bad valve and aneurysm,but I'm also afraid of dying on the table.I feel as if I'm in some kind of purgatory and can't escape.I want the cure but I'm also afraid of the cure.It's tough when you're walking around feeling relatively healthy but also knowing you can't escape your destiny.

I understand exactly how you feel. How long have you known about your condition? Here is what happened to me. I found out about my condition in July of 2001. After that, I was monitored every six months. Two years later, I really started to be afraid of living with the BAV and the aneurysm. I kept thinking "why don't they just go ahead and operate?" The truth was my cardiologist was hoping that surgery would be later rather than sooner.

In late Sept of last year, my cardiologist thought it was just a matter of time before surgery would be needed. In Jan. of this year I suffered what I believed and as it turned out, was major heart burn. Because of my symptoms, I was admitted to the hospital. An echo and heart cath were performed. Both showed the valve was extremely narrow. My next check-up with my cardilogist was not scheduled until late March.

I was devastated. Even though I am absolutely certain of my eternal destiny, I was still afraid of dying on the table. About 1 month before the surgery, I was praying while on my way to work (I have a 65 mile one way commute). All of a sudden I literally felt as if invisible blanket of peace fell on me penetrating me from my head to me feet. Immediately I felt a peace I had not experienced this whole thing started.

Two weeks before the surgery, I shared this with a local friend. He told me "Karl, you must remember God will sovereignly place every person in that operating room." Even as I was being wheeled into the OR, I still had a perfect peace. Before I was placed under, I asked to make a statement. I said " I know that God has soverignly placed each of you in this room, therefore, your hands are God's hands." The surgery itself went fine. My recovery was not the quickest, but probably fairly close.

Please feel free to PM me or send me an e-mail at any time. We are all here for you.
Take Care and God Bless,
Karl

 

[Ross]

I'm pretty sure we all felt that way.

One thing is certain, you will die if it's not taken care of. That is 100% certain. At least you have a great chance by intervening and fixing it.

You do not want to be in the position I was. Mine ruptured and they told me I had about a 5% chance of surviving surgery. At that moment, 5% was better then the 100% certainty of death without help.

It puts it all into perspective quite clearly.

 

[hensylee]

we have had a couple who told us they simply refused to get it done. One was a trucker in California - turned out he didn't have a choice - well, he did, but he didn't care for the other choice, had it done and was doing so well he was out living his life again.

The other one, we never did hear from again.

It's like Ross said.

If it's debilitating for you, you might speak with a professional. It's a hard situation to be in and we all know how you feel. We are here to talk about it more - and probably will. You aren't alone in this; all who face it have fear in varying degrees. It's a really strange place to be, isn't it.

 

[LLJ]

I was never afraid of the surgery: shows you how stupid I was! Honestly, I knew I would die without it. I trusted my surgeon who told me about some 3% odds of bad outcome. I had been fortunate enough to work for 15 years with people who had come out of accidents,spinal cord injuries,strokes and other chronic neurological illness with their lives forever changed,but had a second chance. They inspired me not to be afraid because they did it and they had their lives and ability to function change forever. I was going to be BETTER! After I woke up from surgery,had transfusions, A fib and lots of back pain, I wasn't so sure I was right. Nine months later I can tell you and I think we all agree: WE ARE BETTER. It's like boot camp,sucks going through, makes you tougher and gives you great bragging stories to tell.
Pick your surgeon and hospital well and remember it's most likely gonna be fine one day soon. Some things life doesn't give you a choice in,so we find that spot in ourselves to look to the sun and not let your heart give in to fear.
Besides,VR.com is only a click away for support!
Laura

 

[Karlynn]

I felt so rotten prior to my surgery, that I had no doubt that if I didn't have surgery, that I would die. I was thrilled to be given the go ahead for surgery. So for me, there was no thinking that I could just go on forever the way I was. My health was declining and it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what the eventual outcome would be.

I think the most difficult position to be in is to see the numbers, see the test results and see the recommendations for surgery, yet feel completely normal. But believe me, you do not want to be in a position where you are given a glimpse of the eventuality you face without surgery.

 

[Guest]

*shrugs*

I never really had the "option" of considering how I felt about being afraid to live or die ... because I've always had my heart condition ... from Day 1. So, I've never known a "truly healthy" life....

Ironically, though, for other reasons, I've felt (and in some respects still feel) the "can't escape" uneasiness/frustration/out-of-place feeling .


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I can?t take anymore" ... 3rd Eye Blind ... 'How's It Going To Be'

 

[OldManEmu]

Has surgery been recommended yet? If it has you have 2 choices. A: do nothing and have a 100% certainty death within a couple of years and having some not to pleasant heart failure before hand. As Karlynn said you do not what to go into heart failure, I have been and it is not a good place. OR B: have surgery and if you have no pre existing other health problems have a >98% chance of successful surgery. As difficult as it may be you need to move on from the fear of the cure.

 

[aussigal]

i'm in the waiting room with you pacing as calmly as possible

bob h. said it well ...
in the big-picture there are two choices life or death, i chose life

but i still hate waiting ok !

 

[rbl1999]

I second everything said here, the worst part is the waiting. You know it has to be done, and you will feel so much better after, both physically and mentally... Rose

 

[Ross]

*shrugs*

Ironically, though, for other reasons, I've felt (and in some respects still feel) the "can't escape" uneasiness/frustration/out-of-place feeling .


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I can?t take anymore" ... 3rd Eye Blind ... 'How's It Going To Be'

The only thing out of place about you is the fact that you never stay in one place!

 

[Mike]

I had known most of my life that I had those two bad valves (Av and Mv), and had been told repeatedly that something would eventually need to be done, but it wasn't until I was so far down, chf and nearly completely unable to function, that I had the surgery. (I now have two well-functioning mechanicals and feel great!) When I finally made the decision to go ahead with the surgery I was looking forward to the day with anticipation because it held some promise of giving me my life back. For me a positive outlook has been one of my greatest assets in this whole thing. Also, the Lord was very real to me in those days pre-op. I also knew that I had some things I still wanted to do with my life. The only option I had was to go through with the surgery. While the surgery was tough, I'm thrilled with the realized potential of the thing and I expect you may also find that it the sense of dread will evaporate even from your memory as you recover. Find a surgeon you have some confidence in and get it fixed! That's my perspective.

Mike

 

[Nancy]

My husband Joe is a great inspiration to me. He has had three valve surgeries, 2 lung surgeries, and has almost died several times from some other extremely serious medical complications and conditions.

I asked him if he was ever worried or scared about having surgery, and he told me that he was never scared because he knew if he didn't get the surgery, he would certainly die. With surgery, he had a fighting chance.

 

[jrocco]

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? I'm afraid to live with my bad valve and aneurysm,but I'm also afraid of dying on the table.I feel as if I'm in some kind of purgatory and can't escape.I want the cure but I'm also afraid of the cure.It's tough when you're walking around feeling relatively healthy but also knowing you can't escape your destiny.

I met with the cardio Jan 12. He said you need open heart surgery to fix this valve. Pretty serious stuff! Due to my line of work I said we can either do it right away, or wait until next winter, which he didn't want to do. I didn't have this place to check out, but I did search online and found the mortality rates are 2 to 5%. There was some fear but not to much,,,I'm not brave I just played the odds. I waited three weeks before the surgery and I was just fine until the day of, and then I had a panic attack lasting all day!

As far as dying on the table, that really was not part of the thought process. Of course I thought about it but this is really a pretty safe operation. The odds are great that you will be just fine.

 

[geebee]

I have gone through many emotions over the years surrounding my valve surgeries. I don't think I ever really BELIEVED I could die even when faced with the fact that it was possible. I just did not focus on that part, only on the fact that I would feel better after surgery and looked forward to that time.

That being said, fear is not always something we can control (in fact, it is rare that we can control it). Just try to focus on the positive, have surgery as soon as you can, and simply get on with your life. We will help you through.

 

[djexec]

Fear/Worry

Fear/Worry

I am in a similar situation to you, minus the wife & kids. I was diagnosed 7 years ago with an AAA and BAV. My aneurysm measured 5.2 at the widest point and I was scheduled for follow ups every 6 months. Fast forward to 2005, my year begins with my girlfriend nearly being killed in an automobile accident. They had to remove small portions of her frontal & temporal brain lobes immediately following the accident because of the head trauma she sustained. I spent 5 months at the hospital with her here in atlanta & then she was flown back to her parents in Serbia where she is still in the hospital. During this time I was also in an automobile accident which totalled my friends car. I spent fathers day in the emergency room with me on one ER bed for injuries from my accident & my dad on the ER bed beside me for heart arythmia and his pro-time was way way off. A couple months later, I go in to see my cardiologist for my checkup and he says "I have some good news & some bad news which do you want first?" Based on year that Ive had I opted for the bad news first, he says "you need to have surgery sooner rather than later" I said, well then what the heck is the good news. He replies "your condition has not changed in 7 years." So here I am, in the waiting room gathering information. I don't like being here but Im incredibly thankful to have found this resource. I have realized over and over again this year that I am not in control. I believe that God has a plan for me and has allowed all the events of this year to occur for some greater purpose that Im totally unaware of at present. That is where faith comes in. You will eventually come to a place where you recognize that it doesn't matter how much research you do, how many doctors you talk to, or how many second opinions you seek, ultimately the outcome is out of your control and completely in Gods hands. Please dont misunderstand what Im saying, I encourage you to get as much information as you can while you are in the waiting room. Hopefully this will serve to quell some of your fear however, once you have made the decision and have a definite course of action rest in the fact that God has it all under control. There is great peace in this fact BUT you have to accept it. Matthew 6:27 .."who of you by worrying can add a single day to his life?"

You are in excellent company here at VR.com. The folks in here have done exhaustive research and are willing to help you thru this any way possible. Many of them have already been thru what you and I are facing and they will encourage you thru this difficult time. I am very new to the site but I consider myself so very blessed to have found it.

Hang in there....
Deane