18 days to go.....

[Diane]

It is only 18 days until my PVR surgery......I can't believe how fast "D-Day" is coming! In the beginning, I was shocked to find out that I even needed surgery. I have repaired TOF and have been (and still am) asymptomatic. It had never crossed my mind that I would ever have to have heart surgery again. Then I kind of accepted it and resigned myself to it. That was about 3 1/2 months ago. Then, last week I had a MAJOR melt-down.....I found my bladder up behind my eyeballs and I wanted to call the surgeon up and tell him to just forget it! While I have calmed down some, I can't seem to keep the waterworks under control and I am still fighting the urge to make that call on a daily basis.

I made myself a huge list of things to get done both at home and at work in preparation for the surgery. I thought that keeping busy would help keep my mind off of things. It is now just over 2 weeks until the surgery and I am frustrated because my lists are still large. I find that I seem to be immobilized by the fear of this surgery and all of the "what-if's" that go with it. At this point, I don't know that I will even be able to complete all of the things on my lists. Today I'm irritated with myself because I just wasted this weekend. I couldn't sleep Friday night so I was tired all day Saturday and didn't get much done. Then I was having trouble sleeping again Saturday night so I got up and took an allergy pill that I know makes me drowsy. Once I finally went to sleep, I wound up sleeping really late on Sunday morning. Then on Sunday afternoon, I fell asleep on the sofa and wound up taking a 3-hour nap. So I feel like I slept the day away on Sunday. I got my usual weekend chores done (laundry, grocery shopping, etc) but I didn't get to cross anything off of my "to-do" list. I suppose that nothing on the list of things to do at home is so earth-shattering that it will be horrible if it doesn't get done. Its just that my family will be coming and I wanted my house to look good when they come because its new and they haven't seen it yet. I guess I'll just have to be happy with what I do get done and not worry about anything that I don't get done. I have an appt next Saturday to get my taxes done, I will get the oil changed in my car this week and a haircut next week. I also have a dental appt this week so I guess the really important stuff is getting done and the rest is just "fluff" anyway. And it might not matter because I still might make that call.........

Diane

 

[rmn]

Interesting how we all react differently. I am a little over a week away from my day and for me it can't get here fast enough. I'm tired of the waiting and wondering and worrying and just want to get past the surgery and into the recovery.

I too had a list of things that I wanted to do, but this weekend I realized many of the things weren't going to get done. But you know what? I don't care anymore. I chucked it all (except the routine stuff like laundry) and spent the whole weekend with my wife and son and had a wonderful time. I decided that was so much more important than getting items checked off my list.

I certainly wouldn't presume to give advice to someone on how to handle anything you're up against, but I'd bet your family and friends would much prefer that you take care of you than worry about them. But I do know how you're feeling. Take care!

 

[BionicBob]

The Wait

The Wait

Diane.

I am new on here, and I'll bet you'll get a ton of helpful comments from wonderful people who know what they're talking about. As for me, my situation and thoughts are so similar to yours! My OHS is now just 8 days away.

As for those lists, I have done many of the same things -- gotten that haircut, had the car serviced (though I won't be driving it for a while), gotten a dental checkup... I'm even going to a foot clinic this week to get my gnarly feet cleaned up (which sounds silly, but my PCP has said I'm possibly in prediabetes, type 2, and a professional foot checkup is something I've should have gotten before now). Oh and I'm also working on my taxes. But as for those long lists including doing everything possible around your home, I bet your family will be glad to take care of some of those chores for you. I am counting on my wonderful family to do the same.

Your thoughts about just calling the surgeon and saying "forget it" struck a chord with me too. I confess to having thoughts like that. But even though I, too, don't have severe symptoms -- yet -- I know that I have an increasingly leaky valve and an enlarged aortic root, and if I waited til they did cause severe symptoms, it most likely would be too late for the best surgeon in the world to help me. I am 63 and I would like to be around to enjoy more grand-babies, and scary as this surgery is, I hate even more the thought of conking out in front of family members, or while driving a car and hurting innocent people, or who knows.... People on this board can testify to the amazing work the medical folks do these days, and the productive lives to be lived "on the other side of the mountain," as they often say.

As I say, I know some really knowledgeable responses will come from folks who have been there, done that, and are better for it. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of what you're going through and praying for all the best for you.

Cheers,

Bob

 

[brendamarlene]

Diane,

I am right there with you. Only two weeks until my reoperation. I have known I would need another surgery for several years, and now it is here.

Yes, I have all those same lists. And I am very tired. Don't know if it's not the psychological stress as well as my physical condition.

I am returning to UAB to the same surgeon who performed my first surgery. Where will you be?

 

[Abbanabba]

Hi Diane, I guess everyone else has said it all pretty well, I just wanted to add my well wishes to the list. Meanwhile, the "to-do" list might be a good way of keeping yourself distracted from the surgery, but at the end of the day, the world won't come crashing down if the floors haven't been swept.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending best wishes your way...

Anna : )

 

[karenm]

You will ALL do great!

You will ALL do great!

Diane, and Brenda and Bob and everyone in the waiting room ... this IS the hardest part. I am 3 months post op and can honestly say that the waiting is the hardest. When you are in the hospital it goes by so fast, and then you are home and trying to find the limits to your endurance ... each day it gets better. And each day you can do more.
As far as getting all the lists done ... I am a list maker too, and the lists helped me to feel in control of a part of my life. My mantra at the end was "it will all be fine" and "I do not have to know all the details." I highly recommend these both! Let other people help you and know that they will worry about the details of getting groceries and bringing in the newspaper!

We are all thinking of you and sending our strongest thoughts.
~Karen

 

[dawnwit15]

Hi there

Hi there

I agree with Karen 100%, the waiting is the worst. About the "lists" what gets done, will get done, everything else your family can take care of, you don't need any additional stress. I experienced the same sleepless nights prior to surgery. I took Xanax to fall asleep at night and then had to drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning just to function. It's definitely the emotional roller coaster that is throwing your sleep pattern for a loop. The worst is almost over. Try deep breathing techniques or beginners yoga (on DVD) to calm your nerves. Everyone in the waiting room is in my prayers. God bless!
Dawn

 

[Diane]

Thanks for the Encouragement

Thanks for the Encouragement

Thank you all for your words of encourgement. All of this waiting and the fear of the surgery itself really is the PITS!

In answer to brendamarlene's question, my surgery will be at Stanford. I know Stanford is a top-rated hospital for cardiac surgeries and my surgeon is a top-rated surgeon but I would still just as soon not have surgery at all. I know I have to do this surgery but I really would like to call them up and tell them to forget it. I guess I have had too much time to dwell on the "what-if's" and all of the things that I know will not be very pleasant. I am claustrophobic and I am very fearful of waking up with the vent tube still down my throat. I had a panic attack just trying to breathe in some contrast through a tube in my mouth for a Nuc Med study. They told me I was getting plenty of air but I felt like I couldn't breathe because that tube was in my mouth. I have read all of the things that say that the time to have the surgery is BEFORE you have major symptoms but it is hard to tell yourself that you need to go have surgery when you feel fine. When you feel bad, it is so much easier to think about having the surgery so you will feel better. The doctors tell me that I probably don't feel as good as I think I do, that my body has just been slowly adjusting to the changes over time so I just don't notice it. What is really going to upset me is if I don't really feel any different after I put myself through all of this.

I envy those of you that were able to take some time and go somewhere or do something to relax for a few days before your surgery. I scheduled my surgery the way I did mainly due to responsibilities at work (and at the time it seemed so far away and I knew I wouldn't have to face it for a while). I had several things at work that had to get done. I am the accountant at a hospital. I had an annual report to the state that was due 1/31/05 as well as quarterly payroll tax and sales tax returns. And then there's those lovely W-2's and 1099's that had to go out by 1/31. Now that all of those things are done and that deadline has been met, my list at work actually looks better than my list at home as far as getting things crossed off! I have another whole bunch of stuff that I am working on now and those things are due on 2/15/05. That's why I picked the 25th.....it gives me about 5 or 6 working days after all of my deadlines are met to clean off my desk and make sure all loose ends are tied up. March is more of a "down" month for me....I usually use it to play "catch-up" on all of the things that have gotten put aside for one reason or another. But this year I will have to use March to recuperate from this awful surgery.

As for my list at home....
I have made arrangements for one of the housekeepers here at the hospital to come and clean my house. She has been doing it for me off and on for several years. So at least I won't have to worry about going off to surgery and leaving a dirty house behind. But I had so many other things that I wanted (and needed) to get done. My house is new and I have only been in it for about 9 months. I had not finished "decorating" when I got hit with all of this heart stuff. Ever since I found out there was a problem, I have been so depressed that I have not wanted to do much. But now with my family coming, I am wanting to get some more things done (my sister teased me and said that I was going to a bit of an extreme to get her to come out to Calif to see my house). Also, my "fit-and-finish" warranty will be up during my recuperation period so I have been working with the builder to get all of my outstanding work orders resolved before I go for the surgery. I still have 5 things left on that list. I know if I don't get everything on my list finished, the world won't come to an end but it frustrates me that I can't seem to motivate myself to get the things done! When I'm at home, all I want to do is sleep and soak in my bathtub. I have been trying to enjoy soaking in the bathtub because that is something that I really like to do and I know once I have the surgery I won't be able to do it for a while. But, I didn't put soaking in the bathtub on the list....maybe I should and then I would at least have SOMETHING I could cross off!

I had thought keeping busy doing the things on my list would keep me occupied so I wouldn't think about the surgery so much but so far it hasn't been much help! Guess I'll go try to work on something on that list and try to think about something else for a while....

Thanks again for all of the encouragement. It really helps to know that you all are out there and have been where I am now and understand what I am going through and what I am feeling.

Diane

 

[tobagotwo]

We all do take these things differently. Some folks try to clean up all their loose ends, women organizing, and men trying to finish all their languishing fix-up chores. Some folks wear themselves ragged before surgery, attaching great importance to enormous lists of minor activities, basically to keep themselves busy. A lot of it has to do with finding a way to be in control of something. But it's not much fun for their families.

Others decide that work just isn't all that important in the bigger scheme of things. After all, if a budget cut came around, you'd find out very quickly that you weren't that indispensible to them after all.

The truth is, despite the fact that the odds are tremendously in our favor, almost all of us go into this wondering if we're going to be the one who winds up in the wrong percent. It's only human.

If not, what is all the preparation for? But if so, would we really want to be remembered for being caught up at work, or having our home clean or fully repaired? Surely we're more than a finished chore list, and worth a fonder memory than that of someone frantically trying to finally finish washing all the windows in the house before leaving for the hospital.

I pushed myself to take a very-late-winter trip to the shore, shortly before OHS. Sandy Hook is beautiful in the snow; the incredibly frigid ocean, the ice piled at the edge of the water, the wind-scoured flats and snow-filled scrub. I felt more in control that day than any of the prior days I had spent trying to finish fixit repairs in the house before the surgery. It made the waiting easier, and I spent my remaining time with better goals, which included my family and friends.

RMN has discovered for himself something that's been given as advice here many times. Do something to make yourself happy in these last weekends before surgery. Go to a place that you find beautiful. Go out and eat at a place you've been meaning to get to. Spend time with those who are important to you. Get away from your environment for a day or more.

People from this site will be thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you well as you go into the hospital, me among them. But for now, try to follow your heart.

Carpe diem,

 

[Bionic Man]

Stay strong

Stay strong

I was asypmtomatic (sp?) when I was told THE news. It was upsetting. I went home and had a good cry with my honey.

The only thing I found that helped was self hypnosis tapes and electro-stim acupuncture. (my sister does that) With every treatment I had a relaxing day and a good sleep. All other days I had no sleep. I used to joke that surgery will be great because I'll finally get some sleep.

I also found a lot of comfort from church and church members.

those are just a few things that helped me. I hope you find your own center and find the peace you need.

David C