PairoDocs
Well-known member
A am having an unusually peculiar form of depression this winter. Unlike previous years where I just simply sat around and did little except get fatter or maybe play computer games and the like, I have woken up in consistently bad moods, but worse than just depressed. I'm angry, and am really surly in the mornings. My family is now suffering for it. I have gained weight anomalously fast since the new year. I was 199 lbs. New Years Day (already up from 190 lbs. in November) and have gained 8 lbs. since then (207 lbs.). I have avoided eating too much fat, but the weight just keeps coming on. Even using Wii Fit (see Small Talk), it hasn't helped stabilize my weight. I took one furosemide (lasix) a few days ago and lost 6 lbs. water in one day and gained it all back the next. The Wii Fit didn't know what to make of it--questioned the weight change.
I tried to get my cardiologist to see me for my one year followup in December (OHS anniversary 12/12) and I could not get an appointment. Now I finally got one for January 19th, but it's a new insurance year and, with the $2000 deductible, we'll have to pay for the entire thing including the echocardiogram. This actually legitimately got me mad, as we could have used the money for something else and insurance would have paid in full the charges if they had done it in December like I asked them to. I'm also scared that my mitral valve repair is failing, and perhaps this is contributing to the problem. I have read a few people's stories about how they had to have a second OHS in just a year after a mitral valve repair to replace it with a mechanical valve. I don't want a mechanical valve--the thought terrifies me, as clicky noises are a phobia to me (I cringe when people click pens nearby). I really need the reassurance that my valve is okay. On that account, I'll report the results of the echo here when I know something.
I had laryngitis for about a month, and it caused me endless distress since it seemed my kids would not obey me when I could not raise my voice. It's a terrible feeling knowing that the main reason why they behaved before was because I had to yell at them. In hindsight it wasn't black and white; most of the time they did obey my requests. The only times it was a problem was when they were themselves tired and I was being unreasonable for some reason. One does tend to remember the exceptions rather than the rule in this case.
I know that depression is sort of something that frequently accompanies OHS, and there are major studies that show that over half of OHS patients will have at least one episode of clinical depression (as in bad enough to warrant medical and/or psychiatric intervention of some sort). It happened to me, and it's taken on a bizarre and very uncomfortable twist for me. I am angry a lot and sometimes, to my shame, I can be verbally cruel to my children and wife. I hate that in myself, as I was a victim of such cruelty when I was a young teenager (after my father was disabled and had to stay home while my mother had to go to work full time). My mother, while firm, was never cruel or psychologically abusive. I become that way when I'm most depressed about life in general. Like my father, I am also fairly permanently out of work (a very stale Ph.D. in chemistry with little current knowledge in the field), along with Asperger's Syndrome (I think it's mild, but others seem to see it as more severe, especially in the workplace, but less severe at home.).
The type of depression is worse this year even if its overall intensity is less than before.
I am in counseling, and taking buproprion for the depression. Additionally, I have even made a computer screen setting that's strong in the blues and greens for a SAD lamp of sorts, and a yellow-orange monitor setting for night so I don't disrupt my biorhythm. I try to get out in the sun (yes, it's reasonably a frequent occurrence here). In the mornings I'm almost unbearable, while in the evenings I'm actually pleasant to be around. I don't like to take the kids to daycare constantly, but for their sake maybe I should--so I don't damage them further than I already have. By the evening, I usually am far nicer to be around. I'm worried, though, that the damage has been done, and my kids will grow up wounded and angry themselves. My son KC and I frequently get into shouting matches, even over simple stuff like some trivial procedure in a video game. The Bible says to not "vex your children" but I seem to be doing that--and I despise that in myself. I frequently pray that God delivers me from this, too.
What else is odd is I woke up with me coughing and my heart hammering away at over 200 bpm as if I had just run a sprint. Aside from the initial coughing, I was never really out of breath--just concerned. My heart rate slowed down to normal without PVCs gradually over 3 minutes, and I was able to sleep uneventfully the rest of the night. I guess that my heart's okay, then--though I have put on weight. I have also noticed that my teeth are showing lots of wear from renewed grinding, and I can no longer tolerate a mouthguard--since I can't get to sleep with it in--for some reason I'm afraid I'll inhale it and choke so I can't doze off while wearing it. Any ideas there? The bruxism is no doubt from some sort of emotional turmoil at night.
Any suggestions on how to deal with the anger? It's an ironic problem for me as I was almost never angry as a child (sad a lot, though). I didn't grind my teeth, and was a very patient person as a kid, especially with the handicapped and younger children. Now it seems I no patience with kids or hardly anyone else. Is this a type of depression, or is it a sign of something more dangerous? I have made a covenant with my wife to never strike her in violence in any way, and never to slap the kids across the face or any other dehumanizing manner. I also make sure to tell them I love them. I read to them most nights and always pray with them before bed, even in my worst moods. I manage to be kind right at the end, even if the rest of the day is bust.
I don't know if this behavior is coming from fears that something has happened to my heart (i.e. weight gain and persistent cough), or some other reason.
Please pray for me and my family, as we need it.
Chris
I tried to get my cardiologist to see me for my one year followup in December (OHS anniversary 12/12) and I could not get an appointment. Now I finally got one for January 19th, but it's a new insurance year and, with the $2000 deductible, we'll have to pay for the entire thing including the echocardiogram. This actually legitimately got me mad, as we could have used the money for something else and insurance would have paid in full the charges if they had done it in December like I asked them to. I'm also scared that my mitral valve repair is failing, and perhaps this is contributing to the problem. I have read a few people's stories about how they had to have a second OHS in just a year after a mitral valve repair to replace it with a mechanical valve. I don't want a mechanical valve--the thought terrifies me, as clicky noises are a phobia to me (I cringe when people click pens nearby). I really need the reassurance that my valve is okay. On that account, I'll report the results of the echo here when I know something.
I had laryngitis for about a month, and it caused me endless distress since it seemed my kids would not obey me when I could not raise my voice. It's a terrible feeling knowing that the main reason why they behaved before was because I had to yell at them. In hindsight it wasn't black and white; most of the time they did obey my requests. The only times it was a problem was when they were themselves tired and I was being unreasonable for some reason. One does tend to remember the exceptions rather than the rule in this case.
I know that depression is sort of something that frequently accompanies OHS, and there are major studies that show that over half of OHS patients will have at least one episode of clinical depression (as in bad enough to warrant medical and/or psychiatric intervention of some sort). It happened to me, and it's taken on a bizarre and very uncomfortable twist for me. I am angry a lot and sometimes, to my shame, I can be verbally cruel to my children and wife. I hate that in myself, as I was a victim of such cruelty when I was a young teenager (after my father was disabled and had to stay home while my mother had to go to work full time). My mother, while firm, was never cruel or psychologically abusive. I become that way when I'm most depressed about life in general. Like my father, I am also fairly permanently out of work (a very stale Ph.D. in chemistry with little current knowledge in the field), along with Asperger's Syndrome (I think it's mild, but others seem to see it as more severe, especially in the workplace, but less severe at home.).
The type of depression is worse this year even if its overall intensity is less than before.
I am in counseling, and taking buproprion for the depression. Additionally, I have even made a computer screen setting that's strong in the blues and greens for a SAD lamp of sorts, and a yellow-orange monitor setting for night so I don't disrupt my biorhythm. I try to get out in the sun (yes, it's reasonably a frequent occurrence here). In the mornings I'm almost unbearable, while in the evenings I'm actually pleasant to be around. I don't like to take the kids to daycare constantly, but for their sake maybe I should--so I don't damage them further than I already have. By the evening, I usually am far nicer to be around. I'm worried, though, that the damage has been done, and my kids will grow up wounded and angry themselves. My son KC and I frequently get into shouting matches, even over simple stuff like some trivial procedure in a video game. The Bible says to not "vex your children" but I seem to be doing that--and I despise that in myself. I frequently pray that God delivers me from this, too.What else is odd is I woke up with me coughing and my heart hammering away at over 200 bpm as if I had just run a sprint. Aside from the initial coughing, I was never really out of breath--just concerned. My heart rate slowed down to normal without PVCs gradually over 3 minutes, and I was able to sleep uneventfully the rest of the night. I guess that my heart's okay, then--though I have put on weight. I have also noticed that my teeth are showing lots of wear from renewed grinding, and I can no longer tolerate a mouthguard--since I can't get to sleep with it in--for some reason I'm afraid I'll inhale it and choke so I can't doze off while wearing it. Any ideas there? The bruxism is no doubt from some sort of emotional turmoil at night.
Any suggestions on how to deal with the anger? It's an ironic problem for me as I was almost never angry as a child (sad a lot, though). I didn't grind my teeth, and was a very patient person as a kid, especially with the handicapped and younger children. Now it seems I no patience with kids or hardly anyone else. Is this a type of depression, or is it a sign of something more dangerous? I have made a covenant with my wife to never strike her in violence in any way, and never to slap the kids across the face or any other dehumanizing manner. I also make sure to tell them I love them. I read to them most nights and always pray with them before bed, even in my worst moods. I manage to be kind right at the end, even if the rest of the day is bust.
I don't know if this behavior is coming from fears that something has happened to my heart (i.e. weight gain and persistent cough), or some other reason.
Please pray for me and my family, as we need it.
Chris
