You asked for it...

[Gnusgal]

Okay, you wanted a thread about sex, here you go...

Have any of you started having a hard time with the amount of energy it takes? I enjoy sex, and so does my husband, but it's gotten to where it's just too hard on me physically. I end up getting chest pains and I'm WAY out of breath and I'm in so much pain I'm in tears. We've tried taking it "slow and steady" but that doesn't seem to work either. He does all the real "work," but as I get "excited" my heart rate picks up and it becomes too much.

My husband doesn't want to put me through this, so he doesn't approach me much anymore, and I don't like thinking he's not getting the "satisfaction" he needs either (it doesn't help that he's one of only 6 guys in a nursing program of 60, and one of the girls has already said she "wants" him). It's getting very frustrating for me. We've only been married three and a half years, we shouldn't be in the "never has sex" mode yet, should we?

Anyway, it's a difficult subject to bring up with my PEDIACTRIC cardiologist, so I thought I'd come here first. Anyone have any suggestions? Or sympathy?

Thanks,

 

[Harrybaby666]

I Don't Usually Talk About Such Things...but....

I Don't Usually Talk About Such Things...but....

Hi Niki...
Anything for you dear...I know how you feel, because it is now to the point where if I do ANYTHING...AND I MEAN ANYTHING...to exhert myself, I start having chest pressure and chest pain, and then I follow up with an lovely batch of shortness of breath, so I can sympathize with you, and I have to tell you, that I am just as fearful of having any kind of intimate relations, simply on the basis of how I feel...Is there someone that you and your husband could talk to that would help the situation on both ends...maybe bring him with you to your doctor and talk it over with him or her? Gosh, this is an aweful spot to be in where you and your hubby are just starting out, I wonder, are you on any meds that help the heart pump better? I am on Coreg, and I have found it to be a miracle pill (at least for now, anyway), and even though I still cannot exhert myself, I can at least climb the stairs to get into my apartment without being so short of breath or having to stop 1/2 way up to rest...I know these may be only small ideas, but I hope they help, and I hope you and your hubby get on the road to a happy lifetime...Let me know how you make out will ya??? ***Harrybaby Is Sending All Kinds Of Hugs To Ya!!!*** Harrybaby666

 

[Bryan B]

That's a tough one Niki. Maybe some breathing techniques? I'm guessing that excitement causes the type of breathing that is raising your heart rate to the point that cause the chest pain. Boy I'm stumped. I know you could probably do some things to satisfy him, but I won't go there. Hopefully someone of the female persuasion may have some better ideas for you.

 

[Ross]

Better bring this up with the Cardio anyhow! I'm not sure that anything can be done, but I'm willing to bet something can be. At least you have a reason. I don't and it's been nonexistent for nearly 7 years now for me, so I haven't really got a clue what would happen if I tried. I have the feeling that I'd love to find out, but on the other hand, I'm afraid of what I might find out too.

 

[hensylee]

Nikki - there is sex after surgery. There's just gotta be a way for y'all. You really should talk to your doctor about it. I rather expect she/he has SOME adult patients besides you and he/she probably comes across this question from time to time. Don't be embarrassed to ask. If your doctor doesn't have an answer, he/she might suggest another dr that might have the information for you. If you get answer, maybe you could share it here for others? Since so many of us were interested in the 'sex thread' you know it is a big part of life.

 

[geebee]

Hi Niki,
Since you have been so open, I will too. As all of this valve stuff can be such a roller coaster ride, the reactions during sex seems to be the same way also.
There are times when I have such palpitations, I feel compelled to stop because I am sure my heart will just quit on me. Other times, everything seems to be fine and as "normal" (read just like before I got sick and, yes, I can still remember that far back ). I never know ahead of time what's going to happen so things can be very frustrating. I just make sure I take care of my SO if I can't continue - how's that for being open. I like to think that makes my SO feel like he is still desired and not limited by my restrictions.
Anyway, I get really angry sometimes and other times I can just think it's a small (?) price to pay for being alive.
Hope this sharing helps some.
Smiles,
Gina

 

[Gnusgal]

Thanks for being willing to talk about this with me, gang.

I think the most frustrating thing for us is that I was able to be "frisky" for two years following my valve replacement. It's just been in the last two months that it's become so difficult. I've been trying to control my breathing (taking slow, deep breaths, instead of quick, shallow ones), but at first that would get DH worried, so he'd stop and ask "Are you okay?" I explained that I was just trying to control my heart rate. He's a very considerate partner and he always tries to satisfy me before climaxing himself (wow! Did I just type that? ) and he's finally had to just give in and realize that I can't seem to handle that anymore. It frustrates us both.

I had already decided it was time to finally bring it up to the cardiologist. I just figured you all would enjoy the topic too much to let you miss out entirely . Thanks again for the comments you've already given.

 

[Karlynn]

Niki,
Well, I was going to PM you because of the embarassment of getting this specific , but I figured if you were having issues, then others probably were as well. And I just needed to get over my .

As others have said, there are ways for you to fulfill your husbands desires and needs, the problem remains, how does he get the satisfaction out of knowing you are fulfilled as well. It's the intimacy that is the most fulfilling, it's just that the Big O ain't bad either. My former cardiologist, the one I had during my valve surgery (and now unfortunately deceased) was frank in addressing this with me years ago when "things" were getting a bit difficult. He suggested, if I was experiencing discomfort and rapid heart rate, to "go mechanical". (As in batteries required ) It takes little to no physical effort on your part, and the heart rate doesn't seem to speed up the way it does trying to achieve satisfaction "the old fashioned way". Your husband can still be involved and still be the one giving you the satisfaction (oh, my I really can't believe I'm writing this.) and if it works for you, he doesn't have to worry about hurting you.

Okay, there, I've gone and really embarassed myself, but I hope it helps you some. There are many ways to give and receive love as a couple, but I know it's hard to think of different things when you are having to deal with the over-all picture of your health. Probably just feels like one more thing you're getting jipped on.

 

[geebee]

One of the "nice" side effects I have found from my 3 OHS is that I no longer get embarrased by most things. 2 of my surgeries were in teaching hospitals so I had a constant stream of people coming in and out of my room looking at my bare chest. Needless to say, if I was in better shape (read hour-glass figure), I would make a great candidate for a nudist colony because I really don't care anymore about such things.
It took me awhile to get over the concern of my SO finding someone else because my chest looks like a road map and then worrrying about him being satisfied sexually. However, after 16 years I think the concern is diminishing. I will NEVER take him for granted because I am convinced there is ALWAYS someone out there who would find him as attractive as I do, but I am confident in his love for me.
I agree with you, Karylnn, that "devices" are much easier on the heart than the "old fashioned way" because the effort and thus heart strain is much less and of a shorter duration. Maybe we should go into the business .
Anyway, again it's all part of what makes life interesting.
Smiles,
Gina

 

[Gnusgal]

Believe me, it took a lot of self talk to get me to finally push the "submit" button on this thread! But I figured I couldn't possibly be the only person who is dealing with this.

We had discussed getting some "mechanical help" but I wasn't sure if that would do any good or not. I guess it's worth a try. I'm not all that concerned about my "Big O" (though it is something I miss), but I don't like thinking about my DH not approaching me when he's interested because he is concerned about how it will effect me.

I don't know... It's something we still need to talk about more. And I'll be talking to my cardiologist at some point as well. I'll be sure to pass on any hints I might come up with.

 

[Guest]

*rolls eyes*

I think I was embarrassed _reading_ that.

And yet....

It certainly is helpful for me to know that it is possible.... My ex (no, we never did have sex...just a lot of fun....) was always worried about "breaking" me. Heh...if surgery can't break me, you think sex can? Even so, we were very careful in doing what we did, just in case....

*sighs*

Maybe one day....


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 31swm/pig valve/pacemaker
'72/'6/'9/'81/'7, train/models = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
MC Guide = http://www.chevyasylum.com/mcspotter/main.html

 

[Karlynn]

but I don't like thinking about my DH not approaching me when he's interested because he is concerned about how it will effect me.

Bingo! That was always the main point of our issues. And like you, the Big O, isn't the be all, end all for me. Yes, it's very nice, but, especially for women, not the entire point of intimacy (note word "intimacy"). However, I found that my big O was important to my husband and my telling him it wasn't important was translated into "you can't do it for me." Even though I meant what I said.

Sounds like your lines of communication are open and that is the most important thing.

Gosh, I'm glad these posts aren't a live video feed. I would look like Ross' ape avatar right now.

 

[Abbanabba]

Hi Niki, just wanted to chime in and let you know I was another one who has had to put on brakes when it comes to swinging from the chandeliers! If I'm having a "good" day, then things aren't too bad - although I certainly don't have the stamina I used to - on a "bad" day I seem to turn into the "Starfish Girl" . I'm really lucky my partner is very understanding and has a brilliant sense of humour.... I sometimes tell him just to help himself while I'm asleep..!!

We do try to make time together for intimacy, which doesn't neccesarily include sex. We try to have at least one romantic, candle-lit dinner a week, indulge in massages, and every now and then we try to get away for a weekend and hire a hotel room with a spa... complete with candles, of course. Whenever I'm away for another round of tests I leave little love notes all over the house for him to find. I guess it all helps to keep that closeness there, which kind of takes the pressure off having overly physical sex all the time.

I hope you're able to find some ideas in this thread to help you both deal with you current limitations. I know it's frustrating, but if you're both willing to try different approaches and communicate, I'm sure you'll find something that works.

Wishing you all the best,
Anna : )

 

[Ross]

Nikki - there is sex after surgery.

Can someone please tell me where?
All this talk about the Big O and things, I really forget what this stuff is all about.

 

[Gnusgal]

Gosh, I'm glad these posts aren't a live video feed. I would look like Ross' ape avatar right now.

I know what you mean. I feel very odd typing about such private matters. But surely it's helpful to someone else, right?.. That's what I keep telling myself .

For quite some time my husband felt like, if I didn't have "the Big O," he wasn't doning his job. I kept telling him over and over again that wasn't the case. He's finally figured out that we're just going to have to live without it for now, and that I'm okay with that. But I guess it makes him feel less "manly" or something.

We both look forward to the day that I can have a brand new heart and all the energy I've never had. Boy will we be busy then!

 

[Gnusgal]

Hi Niki, just wanted to chime in and let you know I was another one who has had to put on brakes when it comes to swinging from the chandeliers!

Thanks, Anna, for letting me know I'm not alone. It's hard to think that people as young as we are have to deal with this. But what frustrates me so much is that our partners are healthy (at least, I assume yours is) and have to put up with it too! But they sure are troopers! Thanks, also, for the suggestions for alternatives to sex.

 

[M&M]

Hi Gnusgal, I wonder if your pacemaker program is causing this. I know mine does not have the 'enthusiasm for living feature' - when means when I get my adrenaline up - sometimes I can't breath.. The trick is to not get to excited - fake the heart into believing you not having fun.. but calmly have fun.. It works for me... They are putting this 'enthusiasm for living feature' in the new models. Its called "Minute Ventilation" and it can signal that your excited and give you extra beats for it..

You probably think I'm nuts - but call your pacemaker company and ask them if you have this feature. I can't even laugh too hard or I start to get short of breath and I'm not even exerting myself.. Just keep telling yourself - you can 'do' it - just don't get to excited !!!! Sorry !!!!

Marilyn, **** and Judy (runner)

 

[bvdr]

Hi Niki,

Hey, what's a little talk about sex among friends? Do talk to your cardiologist about this. I think there are a lot of good ideas here and one might just be right for you. You might also ask your cardiologist if taking a nitro before sex would be a good idea. It may provide just enough extra oxygen to your heart to make things more like normal again. Just an idea.

 

[Guest]

We try to have at least one romantic, candle-lit dinner a week, indulge in massages

*daydreams*

See...believe it or not, it's the massages (even though they often led to more fun stuff) and the quiet, romantic times I miss the most..........

Arg.

Why did I have to read this on a Friday night?

*grumbles*

 

[Monty]

Hi Niki. This is something that will take time. Talk to your Cardiologist and get in a Cardiac Rehab program. You need to work on your breathing. I am a runner and I can see that it is going to take a while for me to get my lung capacity back to normal. This will help to expand your chest which in-turns loosen the chest muscle. It takes time to build staminia back. You almost have to think like an athelte. You just had major surgery and now you need to eat right and exercise (Cardiac Rehab) to get back to where you were. Just don't over do it. Talk with your Doctor. Hope this helps.