What did you tell your kiddos?

[pipersmith]

Hello again all - hope the morning finds you well.

I am curious as to how, and when, and what, you told your kids.
I am 33 - severe AI. TEE next Thursday - from what I know right now - I think surgery will not be far off.
My little ones are 12, 11, 8, and 3 - and as many of you I am sure - their well being is perhaps the scariest factor of this challenge. My oldest and youngest are girls, and the middle two are boys. I am a stay at home mom/student - so I pretty much do everything for and with them. I am lucky enough to have my extended family here - and they are very supportive.

I want to inform them - without scaring them to death. So - all you parents - I know you will have all the answers for me

Thanks in advance.

 

[Natanni]

Hello!

My husband is now 35 and is now 10 months post AVR/12 months post endocarditis. Our son and daughter were 13 and 9 at the time of his surgery. All their lives, they have known their Grandpa had a very good transplanted heart. When it came time for Dad's surgery, I guess they were pretty much feeling this is something not much out of the ordinary. We had known for many years that my husband would need open heart surgery some day, and our kids just picked up on alot of this. They asked questions as time went along. When his date was set, we talked with the kids about the surgery, about the valve, and what to expect with Dad post op. Good luck with your TEE next week! Keep us posted!

 

[mntbiker]

Hi,
My kids (both boys) were 3 and 6 when I went in for my surgery. It was very difficult with the three year old because he didn't understand.

I explained to them that I had to go get a slight defect with my heart fixed. Reassured them that everything was fine and explained how I would be tired when I came home and I would need them to help me out around the house. I told them as an aside while we were reading books one night just before bed. Made sure I made as little out of it as possible and answered all the questions they had.

One thing I found worked very well was talking with the six year old while we were playing together about what was coming and mentioning about how I would be away for a few days. Playing together seemed to keep the situation a lot less ominous then sitting and discussing it would have been. I also made sure to encourage questions any time he had them and answered them as honestly as I could.

I gave the six year old the option of visiting in the hospital which he decided to wait until I got home. I think that was for the best since he saw me after I was feeling much better and getting around.

My wife made arrangement for play dates with them every day I was scheduled to be in the hospital and my parents came in to help out for the first week as well. After I came home my wife took the kids out for a few hours a day to keep them occupied. It also gave me a chance to relax.

The kids will do fine, just stay honest and calm with them. The three year old will be the hardest since she will not really understand much more then mommy is going away for a few days.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

One father who had an audible defect (I forgot what it was), had his kids listen to his heart and then their own.

He told them that (whoosh or tick or odd heartbeat, whatever it was) was not normal and he needed to go to the hospital so that the Doctor could FIX it. When he got home, he had them listen again and of course it was better. That seemed to help them understand and be comfortable with it all.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Lisa in Katy]

Mine were 5 & 7, and it wasn't really an issue. I told them that I was going into the hospital to have my heart fixed. They were much more interested in whether or not I would have one of those "cool" beds like Aunt Mindy had when she had her baby! Kids don't generrally question what is so far above their level of understanding. Now your older kids might have a harder time because they will be more aware of the possibilities. I would just give them the bare minimum, and then let them ask questions that you answer as truthfully as possible.

 

[twinmaker]

Our daughter was five and our twin boys had just turned three when I had my valve replacement. I had no family close by but my mom came and stayed for several weeks. I was also a stay at home mom and were with my kids constantly. I tried to answer our daughter's questions honestly without any scary details. Basically, told all three that mommy was going to the hospital to get her heart fixed. We had a very supportive church family that was very helpful. This was back in 1981, and the hospital stay for OHS was two weeks. Because of this, my husband would bring the kids to the hospital for visits (after I was out of ICU of course). The doctor recommended this. I think it relieved them to see me and know for sure that I was fine. LINDA

 

[aussigal]

2 of our kids have the possibility of going through a similar OP that I had. They got the 'basic info" over the course of a few weeks.
I think we concentrated on the dodgy-BAV and that it would be replaced. I dont remember telling them about the aneurysm. They were told I would have a really cool scar and would have lots of tubes and monitors etc. attatched to me for a few days and that it would take quite a few weeks for me to heal after my surgery so they would have to help around home. They were also told that once I had recovered I would still be the same mum they were used to.

 

[Turkey Hunter]

My kids were 10 & 2 at the time. Obviuosly the 2 year old didn't grasp any of it, other than the fact mommy & daddy left here with family instead of going with them. My Son, at 10, was very curious and understood as much as a 10 year old could. We were very open with the kids and kept them informed each step of the way.

Ben

 

[pipersmith]

Many thanks!

Many thanks!

Thank all of you for responding. You have given me several ideas of things that I had not considered - offering the option to visit, arranging a week of playdates for my Autumn.

Ton - I am sorry that you have to face this journey now with your children. I cannot imagine how frightening that could be. You are uniquely qualified though - and I would imagine your experience/ success in the matter helps to lessen their fear - even a bit. How did you come to find their conditions - if you don't mind me asking?

Has anyone allowed the kids to visit and regretted it? I am not sure if I would want to be away from them for the whole stay. The older kids have seen me in the hospital for childbirth and gall bladder surgery - I do not think they would be disturbed by the "bells and whistles" - I am not so sure about Autumn (3). I have never been away for any length of time.

Thanks again!!

 

[Turkey Hunter]

My daughter (2 at the time) was fine with here visit. Actually she really was ready to see me. Only issue was her wanting to climb up on me like ussual. Couldn't let her do that, but she understood once I showed her daddy's ****oo.

Ben

 

[KAJ]

My kids were 11, 8 and 4 when I had my surgery. We told them my heart was sick and needed to be fixed. We had to go out of state for my surgery so my wife was with me. Fortunately, friends and family made certain their routines were distrupted as little as possible. My wife also told the teachers just before we left.

24 hours after we returned home, I was taken to a hospital by ambulance were I remained for 10 more days. My wife brought the kids every couple of days. On Easter Sunday, she and other family members hid Easter eggs in the garden of the hospital for my kids, neices and nephews and then brought me down to watch the hunt.

Karl

 

[twinmaker]

I certainly didn't regret having my children visit me in the hospital. Even though they were 5 and 3 at the time of my valve replacement, I think they were just so happy to be able to see me and know that I was OK. I think children are more afraid of the unknown (which in their case is: is mommmy or daddy really OK) than they are of seeing their parent in a hospital bed or having some tubes and wires sticking out. Children have wild imaginations. I believe you prepare them for what they're going to see and explain it to them on their level and go from there. LINDA

 

[doberman]

Hi, my boy was 4 when I went in, I calmly told him I was going into the hospital for a few days and the doctor was going to fix me up. My son was going to be staying with his aunt and cousins while I was in hospital and the day I left he hid in the corner behind the couch and wouldn't come out despite the fact I was extremely casual about the surgery,kids are very intuitive, he was OK but very quiet. Good luck with everything, you will be fine and your children will be fine.
God Bless

 

[pipersmith]

Thanks again!

Thanks again!

Many thanks to all of you for sharing your personal stories. Everytime I sit and read from this forum, I get goosebumps I am so impressed at the willingness of strangers to help and support each other. Last week, I think I averaged about 2 hours of sleep per night. This week is a different story - largely due to this forum. Not only do I have a better understanding of my own circumstances, I have renewed faith in the spirit and kindness of others.
((((((((((((((((() ))))))))))))))))))))
Sincere thanks and God Bless

I look forward to reading much more.