We are not Broken!

[AaronB]

How many people try to hide your condition from other people? I am 10 months post op and feel better than I have in several years but once my secret is out it changes things. I know my friends mean well but when they warn someone about me before we meet they don't see me they see the Heart guy. Nobody wants to give me a heart attack. What they don't realize is that I'm fixed and probably in better health than them! I am single and ready to start dating again but at what point in a relationship do you spring that on someone? It's not something you can or should hide for long. I'm still new to all of this, I found out about and had my AVR all in a six month period so I wasn't prepared for the reality of it. Has anyone else felt this way ? And how did you cope? Everyone Keep on TICKING!

 

[geebee]

It really depends on the situation. I have started and left a couple of jobs where no one every knew about my heart surgeries because it wasn't any of their business. However, I have know a couple of people who I told early on in the relationship because the conversation seemed appropriate and I trusted them.

If someone notices my scar (happens less and less as it fades) and asks me, I will usually tell them but the detail depends on the person.

I have had a couple of friendships where the topic never came up until well into the relationship. A couple of responses were "why didn't you tell us"? My reply is usually to ask if they had their tonsils out (or something similar) and, when they say, "yes", I ask them, "why didn't you tell me"? We then get a good chuckle over the visual image of meeting someone and saying, "Hi, my name is Gina and I have had 3 heart surgeries". With me it's not automatic, it just comes up or it doesn't.

I think you will find the same thing happening. Don't hide it but don't offer the information because, as you have found out, some people are weird about it. You simply have to tell them to not be stupid, explain the difference between you and someone with "a bad heart". Mostly we are no different from those who have not had OHS and, in some cases, are probably much healthier.

 

[JimL]

It's been four years for me, and I kinda take health for granted now. But I still have friends ask me, "How are you?" with a definite reference to heart issues, almost as if they're disappointed I'm not still dreadfully sick, or even dead already. Oh, well, they mean well.

 

[Ross]

People that I thought were friends never come around or call anymore. That's fine with me, it just weeded out what needed weeding anyhow. For the most part, those that know treat me no differently then before, but they do not understand the shape I'm in, which isn't from the heart surgeries, but my lung disease.

If someone asks, I tell them. Unless they've been through it too, they haven't a clue what it's about anyway.

 

[Harrybaby666]

This is can be very embarrassing...

This is can be very embarrassing...

A couple of years ago, I went to Aruba with a friend of mine, and her brother and his wife, and when we signed up for some activities, her sister in law had told them all about my friend's and my heart and other health issues, so we were banned from doing alot of the activities that most people were allowed to do, and what shocked me was that even after she had told all the people about our health issues, she still wondered why we could not keep up with them while walking when we were out shopping or going from the hotel to the casino and such. People really have no idea unless they are directly involved with the person's care, are married to the one who is ill, or unless they have the illnesses themselves...I usually don't tell people unless I absolutely have to...I agree with GeeBee, it's really nobody's business unless it is absolutely necessary that you tell them. Harrybaby

 

[CCRN]

I know how you feel. I am both blessed and cursed with a job that everyone knows the intimate details of my health care problem......Cardiac Surgery! I get people going ahead of me and keeping me from moving and lifting things in my every day job activities. However, now that they are begining to find out that I come into work early and run a couple of miles as well as getting back to a fair number of push-ups, the behavior has backed off quite a bit. Another thing that helps is reminding people you have no physical restrictions. A lot of this stuff is your friends not quite being over the shock that you, a relatively healthy person, all of the sudden had a serious health problem. There is the realization that if it could happen to you it could also happen to them.......it's a psychological thing and quite normal. Give it some time. As for the vacation incident mentioned. Make it clear that you speak for yourself concerning your health issues and anyone's else's opinion without your consent is unwelcome. Easier said than done, right?

 

[aussigal]

It's been four years for me, and I kinda take health for granted now. But I still have friends ask me, "How are you?" with a definite reference to heart issues, almost as if they're disappointed I'm not still dreadfully sick, or even dead already. Oh, well, they mean well.

MMM...this is a weird but typical response isnt it...I havent even had surgery yet but notice this phobia ...some people just never got around to learning proper people-skills...

I still giggle when I think of the time I miss-heard my Doctor...
"ohh good your'e still alive !" is what I heard him say on greeting me one-day cant even remember what he did say but it wasnt the "still-alive" comment he has quite a strong accent ....

 

[joanne6]

I just started a new job and told them that I had surgery recently but did not tell them what kind. I don't feel they have a need to know or a right to know. I have told a couple of my new coworkers who have shared their health problems.
As far as dating, I think if you see the same person for a while you will want to share that info. I agree that when you first meet new people you don't usually share your surgical history. In dating most people are more concerned with HIV and Hepatitis. You can't catch heart disease.
Good luck.
Joanne

 

[BAV Pt's daughter]

I agree that when you first meet new people you don't usually share your surgical history. In dating most people are more concerned with HIV and Hepatitis. You can't catch heart disease.
Good luck.
Joanne

I agree with this... it should be a "need to know" basis, or at least those that YOU choose to make aware. My new diagnosis is not as significant as many histories here, but I was even a bit bothered when my grandmother started telling her friends, other family members, and anyone else she's talked to what the surgeon found on MY studies. No one should share your information except you!!!

 

[Paul_N]

I know what you're talking about and I'm glad you brought it up. I've been stuffing this for awhile. I celebrated my 2nd anniversary on 10/23. I'm a member of the local fire department at home, and have been on for over 17 years. I'm also on the brigade at work and have been for just over 8 years. When I was released by my surgeon and finally the cardiologist, I went back to "active" status on both departments. At home, I was the Asst. Chief for roughly 6 years. Once I was back to running on calls, I could see some of the folks very nervous about me being back. At first I felt like they were questioning my knowledge, but soon realized they were questioning my physical abilities. It was a little hard to take because we are pretty much a big family. I let that continue until the end of last year. I decided to step down as AC. My Chief was pretty bummed about me doing this, but understood my intentions were for what was best for the department. Today I run a truck rather than making attacks with a team. Folks seem more comfortable with this and I've learned to adjust.

At work it's a bit different situation. I'm a Lieutenant and am in charge of a truck company (usually consists of 5-6 people) Folks at work seem to even have more of a struggle with me being back on the brigade than they did at home. While it's really only a handful of 80 people that feel this way, it bothers me enough to have to do something about it. At the end of this year I'm going to do the same thing I did at home ... step down to a less active role. My dilemma is that I love doing this stuff ... but if I don't have the confidence of the rest of the folks, I have to do what's best for the department ... not me. It's a bit of a tough pill to swallow. Like you said ... I feel better and can actually do more that what I could before surgery. I'm just not willing to prove this every time someone questions it though.

These kind of situations tend to get me down and I sometimes find myself getting depressed over it. I also get a little miffed when some people come up asking if I'm alright. While some may really care, it feels like they're waiting for me to tell them no ... I'm not alright.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel better and I'm still here and that's all that really counts. I can't change the way people think or act. I have to remember that I was given this second chance and be thankful for that. People really aren't out to piss me off or hurt my feelings, I choose to feel that way. Hopefully as life continues, I can continue to learn that I'm just a player in this whole grand scheme and that there's a place for me to fit in.

An old friend told me once that if I can learn to laugh at myself, I'll have a lifetime of free entertainment. I need to remember this a little more often.

 

[MarkU]

My experience is that as soon as you mention "heart surgery" most people will stop listening and just assume that I've had a heart attack and/or cardiac by-pass surgery.
Then when I mention that I do triathlons, I get a lot of "Are you sure you should be doing that?" That can really get under my skin, especially when it's coming from some couch potato who's 50 lbs overweight and whose idea of exercise is cracking open another Budweiser during a commercial.
When I changed jobs a year or so after my surgery, I didn't mention my AVR: They didn't ask, so I didn't tell. It was none of their business anyway.
I seldom bring it up in social conversation anymore unless someone asks me about it specifically. To tell the truth, I got a bit tired of talking about it in the months after my surgery.
The fact is that I'm probably the heathiest male in our circle of our 50-ish year old friends. I'm certainly the only one who exercises regularly.
I also think that I monitor and know more about my overall health because of what I've been through with my AVR and also from watching my father suffer and die of cancer last year.
Mark

 

[Guest]

I've been following this thread ... and still am not quite sure how to reply to it, other than to say that "it depends".

These days, I'm quite open with close friends and, of course, family, in discussing my health issues. Heh...with as many friends as I've made over the years through my message boards/clubs/groups, it's kind of hard to keep my "condition" a secret.

However, with my new employer ... different story. They don't know. Oh, some of them have asked why I can't lift things ... and I've just given the standard "I've had surgery"....with, luckily, no further questions asked.

With my old employer, I think that my condition, among other things, are why I was one of the ones let go in the merger. Since my 2003 surgery, my coworkers (well, a select few, anyway) didn't talk to me as much as they had ... and the looks I got were of "pity" and "sadness"....

*shrugs*

As for coping...heh...that's an ongoing learning experience .


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I'm just out to find the better part of me" ... 5 For Fighting ... 'Superman'

 

[Marguerite53]

interesting read

interesting read

This has been interesting to follow. I'm still in the Waiting Room, Aaron. And I'm 53. But I have 3 children a son 23, a son 21 and a daughter 18. So far (only youngest has had an echo) no inherited defects. My daughter is very athletic. And she is very compassionate. And she is fair. If she were to date a young man who had been through what you had been I don't think she would give it a second thought other than to be relieved that you were still around, if she liked you in the first place. She would believe what you told her (I'm not broken!), if you were believable in the first place. People date for different reasons. Most of the time, it's to get to know someone and to have fun and maybe build something meaningful.

Usually after the first few times together, people start to open up and share big events with each other. I would think that renewed life was one of those!! I would think that sharing your story in a simple but confident, soulful way would be a reasonable thing to do after you've had a few meaningful times together. If for some stupid reason that young woman turns away from you, then isn't it a good thing you found her out?? If she has questions that maybe you haven't even asked yourself, then isnt' it nice that someone cares enough to know.

If it were my sons, well, they are very very sensitive creatures, those two. I know they would be right where you are. My oldest would be freaked about the scar. The younger one would not be. Both would be shy about it, though. And wondering if they were damaged goods. The thing is, you as a whole person are far more complete than many of your compatriots, since you have had to face such a huge event in your life. You have a vastly more mature perspective on life. Trust me. To the right girl, that is very appealing!!

Why would repairing your heart be any different than being a football player and having back surgery, or skier with a spiraled leg fracture or a guitar player whose hand got smashed in some accident. And actually, they'd be in much worse shape as the walking wounded. You are fixed!! So, the drama doesn't need to be overplayed, just understood properly.

So, my thought would be to save it for a moment when you were sharing amazing things that happened to yourselves. Keep it in the wonderful things about my life column.

As far as the rest of your friends treating you like the Heart guy. Dude! Tell them to lay off. Just tell them. If they went through the thing with you, they may still just be exhibiting their fear of losing you and their concern about you. Or maybe because they now know how very much more special you are! But, if they are just using it a a jokster kind of thing, then let them know that enough is enough. It's an old thing. What's to be warned about?? You're over it, THEY need to get over it.

Most of all, enjoy your time, enjoy your search!! Be confident!

Okay. Time for "the mom" to stop!
Marguerite

 

[OldManEmu]

I agree with what most have said only advise people that you what to advise about your surgery. I can't comment on the employment front because the laws governing this are obviously different in the US to Australia. On a personal level though if asked always be honest. On the issue of being fixed I don't believe many of us are truly fixed, myself included. My belief is if you have to take ANY heart related medication or require future surgeries, you still have a heart condition.