Update

[KimC]

Hi, everyone.

Warm holiday wishes wherever you are. I hope the season is joyful in your home.

I thought I'd check in ...

I've been trying not to focus on my health, as it seems to be slowly deteriorating. If I allow myself to think about it too much, I lose focus on living and my children and husband need me. I've also found that if I allow myself to really think about things, I become emotional. I don't know how healthy it is to live in denial, but it keeps me sane and productive.

Having said that, I'm not feeling well. I recently quit taking my meds and became very ill. This was Kim playing doctor, and the hard, cold lesson learned was that I'm now dependent on medications to feel almost normal. This was a surprise. Maybe I'm stupid.

I'm still seeing my cardio about monthly. He said that no procedure or surgery could help me at this point. I'm still hoping that a valve replacement will resolve my symptoms. I refuse to believe that modern science is failing me.

This is tough to read, I'm sorry. I must sound depressed. I don't know how other people would handle my condition, especially at my age. Is there a book about how to gracefully handle these kinds of things?

I try not to talk about health with my family. My seven-year-old, Jessica has become anxious. My husband's in denial. My father seems to avoid me. I am or was his favorite. I can't imagine the pain he must feel when he thinks about the possibility of ... I don't think I could handle losing one of my children. Then again, I don't think I'd avoid them either. My father is very selfish.

OK ... do you see why I'm staying away from VR.com? How can it be healthy for me to get these things out? I'd rather keep them buried and live my life as if ... as if I were invincible.

I'm sorry I don't have what it takes for the give and take of our community right now. I don't like "dropping in" and "dumping."

I'll check back when I'm convinced that I'm going to live to be 100.

 

[strawberry]

Kim,

I guess this board doesn't have a Private Message feature? I was going to "pm" you. I'm your age...1966 was a great year! I have a seven year old daughter as well. I don't have the same issues about worrying about not being around but I have multiple health issues that also drag me down. The end of 2000 started a long downhill slide for me...the biggest one was being hit by a chronic incurable painful disease. I was in pain 24/7. Excrutiating pain that no pain meds would touch. Like having your funny bone constantly going off. Anyway, at that point I would have traded a fixable life threatening disease for a lifelong pain condition in a second. Why won't surgery help you? Cause they don't think it's the valve causing the problems? Let me say that a new medication gave me my life back. I'm one of the lucky few that this med helps and it took months to take effect and I'm still not normal. My point is don't give up hope. And that you're not alone. If I had given up when I was in so much pain I would have missed so much. And your kids will love you no matter what. My daughter is more thoughtful and senstive because of all the pain I've had...it sucks but you will get through this! Hang in there, take all the rest you have to, and ride the waves when they threaten to break over your head.

 

[strawberry]

Sorry to be long winded. I forgot to say that I totally understand the despair and the mourning of a healthy young adulthood. It's normal and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Just don't let it win. ((Hugs)).

 

[geebee]

Dear Kim,
Since I don't know your history, I cannot address the question of you being helped by modern medicine. However, when a doctor tells me there is nothing wrong when I know there is or that nothing can be done when I believe otherwise, I stamp my feet and insist on another answer. If none comes, I look for another doctor. I went through this type of BS with fibromyalgia and was truly considering the possibility that I was totally crazy. I am still angry that some doctors made me feel that way.
I believe you are right in continuing to search for answers. It can be exhausting but ultimately you will feel better for having covered every base. You may find that there is nothing to be done but, even if that happens, you will be emotionally satisfied that you have done all you can. That carries a certain calmness with it.
I hope you find the peace and answers you are seeking.
Smiles and hugs,
Gina

 

[bobbie416]

Dear Kim,

I was saddened anad concerned when I read your post. I am sorry you are feeling depressed and that all hope may be gone. That must be overwhelming for you. I am one of those that never believes in giving up.. I am praying you won't either. I sense your frustration and feelings of abandonment. I will not make any excuses for dad. Maybe he just can't deal with his pain~but YOU are the one that has to deal with so much~ and how sad he can't be with you, supporting you. I will pray for that.

Denial can be a wonderful thing sometimes if that what it takes to get you through. I know it has worked for me many, many times. How courageous of you and unselfish to focus on the present and on your little girl ~but do take care of YOU too.

You will be in my prayers that all your needs will be met. That you will have peace within yourself and your family as well as your physical issues..

Blessings,
Bobbie

 

[azpam]

can you go into detail on your symptoms/pain so we can get a better idea of where some of us might be able to help you due to our past experiences. again don't give up, get a second opinion, and let us know what is better going on as we might have some alternatives for you.

 

[Sherry]

Kim, my thoughts are with you. I know you've gone through so many test and procedures that this has to be so frustrating to you. Your forum pals are behind you every step of the way. Feel free to vent any time you need to.

 

[KimC]

Hi,

My heart abnormally enlarged during a recent pregnancy, possibly due to thyroiditis or gestational diabetes. For awhile, all of my valves were moderating leaking. We really don't know why.

I developed phlebitis, started having chest pain, SOB and palpitations during the second trimester and went to see a cardiologist who misdiagnosed me with MVP syndrome. (That's a story in itself).

When the chest pain worsened, I sought a second opinion and was finally diagnosed with mild ischemic cardiomyopathy, possibly from untreated vasospasms which were related the heart enlargement. Although my doctor(s) aren't positive, they're attributing my condition to atherosclerosis. My coronary arteries are OK.

My son, Coulson is smart as a whip and the captain of my heart. He's doing well at sixteen months. I'm feeling a lot better than I did during my pregnancy but recently started feeling worse. When I'm not feeling well, I start to think about what it means ... I have my moments.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Much love,

 

[gijanet]

Dump away................

Dump away................

Just had to send hugs after your post.............and please dump away. That is what we are here for..........much like a marriage, through thick or thin, your "family" is here for you. "There is a season, turn, turn, turn.........." What you can't give now, you will at some point in the future. And if you are not dumping on your family, you have to have an outlet somewhere. YOu will be in our prayers. Sending hugs.

 

[Abbanabba]

Hi Kim, it sounds like you're trying to shoulder a lot of this on your own, which is why we'd rather you "drop and dump" than never hear from you and wonder what was going on. That's what we're here for!

My problems might not be exactly the same as yours, but I'm also in the boat of being told they can't find any reason to explain my on-going and worsening symptoms, so I can really understand what you're feeling right now. It's also hard when friends and family seem "over it" or to be ignoring it - which mightn't necessarily be true, but it feels like it sometimes. It doesn't change how you're feeling, but I guess it's hard for them when the doctors can't do anything and THEY can't do anything (or understand first-hand how you feel).

Again, that's where you VR.com family come in, so don't be shy about venting if that's what you need to do.

Sending best wishes and positive thoughts your way....
Anna : )

 

[ericaj]

Kim

Kim

Oh Kim I just want to come out to your island and give you hugs and more hugs and to cheer you up. I am truelly sorry you are having such a hard time, but please never give up. Bad days will come and bad days will go, but your family will always need you and even if it doesnt seem like you have alot of support always remember we are here as your vr family to try and help you.

Hugs!!!

Erica

 

[hensylee]

Mornin, Kim. I posted yesterday but guess I forgot to push the right button. I found something a bit later that is so much more fitting for you and here it is:

"I've never forgotten the support you gave me awhile back, now let me "carry" you. Fear no evil. God is with you, working through you for His purpose. Your family will be under His hand, as will your life. Have faith, keep hoping and never be afraid to express yourself openly here. We love you, as you can tell."

How very appropriate and fitting for you. Warm thoughts and prayers.

 

[MitralMan]

Get ANGRY!

Get ANGRY!

TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK FROM YOUR DOCTORS!

Find NEW doctors.

Get MAD.

Get MOVING.

Sorry. Maybe you already have. And actually, I know I know almost nothing about any of this stuff, and I absolutely know nothing about your condition, even as you explained it.

But I have learned an important lesson over the years. Some doctors are truly miracle workers. The vast majority, though -- even the ones with great credentials -- are just people. And conservative ones at that. And they make mistakes. You need to be talking to the "1 in 1000" type doctors. Cutting edge.

My .02.

My heart goes out to you.


.

 

[KimC]

Thank you ... I'm reading, absorbing and learning. This isn't easy, can you tell?

Warmest wishes,

 

[perkicar]

Please stay with us!

Please stay with us!

Kim,
If you're scared, your family is anxious or in denial, you really need someone/somewhere you can "drop and dump", although I don't think what you've told us quite falls in that category! Right now you need the VR family--because they understand your fears, they've been in your shoes and understand what you're experiencing. Use us as your sounding board, if nothing else just to validate that what you're feeling is OK. I've only been a part of the group for a few weeks, and just reading other's posts and responses I know that there are an amazing group of folks out there just hoping to make the road smoother for those coming behind them. I've already found out a ton of information that I think would have been alot harder to find had I been trying to do it by myself.
Hang in there, keep on posting and let us help you as we can!
Carolyn

 

[Marguerite53]

only have a minute....

only have a minute....

Hi Kim. I only have a minute today, I'll get back later. Don't want to throw anything new into the mix, but your baby is only 16 months old. I think Post-partum depression can be showing up. Do you think? I would consult your ob/gyn as maybe your hormones are all aflux. And you have 3 children, right? Close in age. It is very very very tough to keep it going even for mothers with no health considerations. It is wearing. Having to be sweet and motherly all the time when frankly, you probably need some mothering yourself.

I have no immediate suggestions, except that you need to use us here. We welcome your notes and want to hear how you are, good and bad. It's all unconditional here. Use us!!

Gotta go. I'll be thinking of you and check back later to see how many other ideas have come your way!

Hang in there.

Marguerite

 

[strawberry]

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

That's all. Just wanted to give you a hug.