Tired and overwhelmed!

[rkr]

Hi,
I am new to this forum, but have been reading profiles for about 2 months now. I am thankful for you all and really interested in your help and support.
My husband had an aortic valve, root and arch ( 6 cm. aneurysm) replacement 7weeks and 5 days and 8 hours ago....not that I'm counting! He is improving daily. I am very grateful and very amazed at how far we have come in such a short time.
For as much support as I have received, I am still very drained, not sleeping, very nervous. When we lay down at night to sleep, I have my hand on his heart, just to make sure. But, I still don't sleep. At first, even when I went grocery shopping, a big day out for me, I called several times and ended up crying in the store because I thought something terrible would happen to him while I was out. Now, I have returned to work, but call too many times a day to check on him.
I am tired and very overwhelmed physically and emotional. Don't know how one person does two people's jobs. Is this normal behavior? Tell me it gets better, please! Any advice?

Kathy

 

[Ross]

Hi Kathy and welcome to the forums

First of all, take a huge breath in and blow out slowly. Relax yourself.

Did anyone tell you that you must be in love with this man to worry this much? I bet right now, your worrying way more then he his. It's time for you to calm down now. It's the worrying that's tearing you to pieces. Your too stressed out. Being that stressed is not helping either one of you. The worst possible part is over and done with. He made it and you've made it too.

Take some time out for yourself. I'm not suggesting that you leave the house, but if that's what you need to do, do it. He should be just fine without you now for a little while. Try to come to grips with all of this. It was a major journey for each of you, but you have overcome and prevailed. Time to relax.

I'm sure others will give you some advice also, but please, take it easy on yourself. The worst is over and the rest is life anew for the both of you. Enjoy it, don't stress over it!

Again, welcome to the forums. I'm moving this to heart talk as it's really more appropriate for you. At some point, I may put it back in significant others, but for now heart talk it is.

Ross

 

[MelissaM]

Hi Kathy,

Welcome to the forum - so glad you posted! Heart surgery is super traumatic for the patient and possibly even more traumatic for those who take care of us. We patients can feel what is going on inside of us and generally know when everything is okay or not okay. Our caretakers just get to wonder and worry. It is a big load to carry!

You need to trust that you husband is aware of his general health and will be able to let you know when something is amiss. We humans are super-resilient (as our collective stories attest to! ). Take a look - your husband has already made it through an aortic root, valve and arch replacement - that is totally amazing!

You may have read the quote that says worrying is a way for you to feel in control of something that is totally out of your control. Ultimately, you won't be able to watch your husband 24 hours a day - you will have to let go and risk him slipping away. You are burning yourself out trying to stay hypervigilant.

In reality, each of us faces the prospect of passing on every day - we just don't like to think of it. If you can make peace with your mortality - and perhaps even make peace with your husband's eventual mortality - you may not only find the relief you seek, but find a newfound gratitude and appreciation for each day you wake up alive. Sometimes confronting our fears is the easiest way to overcome them.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope I didn't get to philosophical on you - don't worry, Ross will give me a swift kick in the patootie if I did.


Melissa

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Hello Kathy,

In many ways, heart surgery is harder emotionally on the spouse than the patient. Generally, the patient reaches a point where he/she is READY to begin feeling better and knows that surgery is the answer. Also, the patient gets to 'sleep' through the operation rather than fret in the waiting room.

You should talk with YOUR Primary Care Physician about how YOU are feeling. Perhaps counciling or medication (anti-anxiety or anti-depressant) may help.

There is an excellent book that deals with recovery from heart surgery and it's effects on the whole family. It is entitled "Coping With Heart Surgery and Bypassing Depression" by J. Jude, M.D. et. al. While it was primarily written for Bypass Surgery Recovery, most of it also applies to Valve and any other heart surgery.

I agree with Ross, you need to breathe a sign of relief and 'let it go' for a while. It will help BOTH of you.

Best wishes,

'AL'

 

[Ross]

.....and no, she doesn't mean that either one of you will pass on in the immediate future. It's time to pass up. Pass up everyone around you and enjoy your lives once again.

 

[MelissaM]

. . .and as long as you don't start passing gas, everything will be fine.

(Nurturing your sense of humor helps, too! )

 

[Nancy]

Hi Kathy-

I've seen my husband go through many major, major thoracic surgeries. He's had 3 heart valve surgeries and 2 lung surgeries. Plus he has had several very serious and life-threatening medical events related to his heart and lung problems, and he has chronic and serious medical conditions.

I can attest to the fact that it is highly stressful for the spouse to go through this.

Not only do you worry tremendously about your loved one, but at the same time, you have to shoulder many responsibilities which you may or may not be ready to shoulder. I find myself doing most of the heavy-duty work around the house, including most of the yard-work, in addition to doing all the other things around the house that I normally do. Plus when he has been under the weather, I have had to drive him everywhere and be with him during all of his medical appointments.

It seems that things will never get back to normal sometimes.

What I can tell you is that time is your ally. You will gradually feel more comfortable with your husband's new situation and you will eventually learn what you have to worry about and what is just a normal thing. However, my husband is not a worrier, and let's many things go without telling me anything about it, so I really do have to be quite vigilant with him. We were able to catch several things before they got too far down the road, because I keep a careful eye on him.

I have a cell phone and keep it turned on when I'm out, in case Joe has to get ahold of me. But I do not call him. It can get annoying for the patient to have someone calling all the time. I trust that if he needed me, he could get ahold of me. The only time he's ever called me was to ask me to pick up something in the store. I have been able to get away for a day when my children were visiting, by planning things ahead, and having meals prepared and making sure Joe had all our cell phone numbers.

The MOST important thing you can do is to educate yourself about his conditions and read as much as you possibly can. This will help you to understand what he's been through, and what to watch out for in the future.

It really does get better. Joe is now able to do some outside work, a little at a time, and he helps out with the inside work. Fortunately he does all the bookwork and all of the medical insurance stuff. And he can drive himself to some of his medical appointments. But, I do go to most of them with him, because it's important for me to know what is happening with him.

As far as sleeping, you really have to try to get your rest. That's very, very important. His heart problems have been fixed and he is getting better. It is time for you to relax and take care of you now. It will also help your husband when he sees that you aren't so terribly worried anymore. Then he will be able to relax too.

You can email me any time at [email protected]. Just put something in the title that I will recognize, so I don't think it's spam.

Best wishes,

 

[hensylee]

Mornin Kathy - nice to see you. You have told us how YOU feel and I tell you now that you should worry only about the things you can change, not the ones you have no control over. Wish you had come in before his surgery and we could have prepared you for all of this.

Now, to the patient. How is the patient? I bet he is recuperating right on schedule. Your role in this is the most important to him, besides his own, and you must settle down and just enjoy his company, thereby assuring him and you that he is going to be ok. Just look at all the survivors on this forum. And how happy all are. You and he will be, too.

Also, when I am ill or not feeling ok, I just kinda want some time to myself. Mayhap he might like this, too. Can't be too encouraging for him if you are calling him all the time. Might be he is sleeping or resting, or walking and exercising. Give him some space, much as you love him, he needs that. I am not fussing at you, just trying to reassure you that he is going to be fine - and yes, all this will pass and get better. Promise!

Love, Ann God bless

 

[ccrawford]

Hi Kathy - I had my aortic valve replaced a little more than 5 months ago. Yesterday, I spent part of the day splitting firewood, and I walked about 2 miles before breakfast. My point ? Your husband will do just fine. Think about starting a routine walking program for both of you - if you have not explored doing a cardio rehab program, this would be a good time to start. In a few short weeks, you'll begin to realize the heart is a pretty resilient thing and it likes to have exercise. Once you realize this, then I think your anxieties about your husband will start to diminish. Hope this helps. Chris

 

[Mb]

Dear Kathy:

Gosh, do I understand what you are going through. Many of us did go through the same thing.

I did finally realize, as each day passed, that he was in fact getting better. I trusted God, that He had my husband exactly where He wanted him. God's plan, not mine. His will be done.

How did I get better? One day at a time.

I finally decided that my husband was a bright man, and he didn't want to die, which is why he had the surgery in the first place. Therefor, logic said that he would make sure he got the medical attention he needed, when he needed it. That being said, it doesn't mean that I am not his guardian angel. I do take care of him. I do go to MOST doctors' appointment. I did have a conversation with him, reminding him that it was my life too, and that he had a responsbility to me to be as well as he could be.

I am also like Nancy....I do many of the heavier tasks around the house that I did not do before. However, I do not hesitate to hire work out if I need to.....if it is a job neither of us have any business trying to do. I also need time for myself. I try to take it.

You will get better. However, if you do not see an improvement at all in the next week or so, I would call the doctor and get in to see him/her. You may in fact need help....which is AOK too!

With best wishes - Marybeth

 

[Jean]

Kathy

Each day, each week, each month will find you getting closer to normal.

Others ahead of me have offered good advice and help. I just have one other viewpoint that might help.

At first I enjoyed the added attention my husband bestowed upon me in my convalescense. But as the weeks went by and I stronger, it was a little annoying. As the months went by and he couldn't give me my normal space, I really chafed under the watchfulness. Finally about a year later, I sat us down and asked him if he could give me a little more breathing space...I could go to the grocery now, I could go to meetings alone, I didn't have to call constantly. He laughed and said he truly wasn't aware of what he had been doing. We had always been very independent professional people...living and loving together, but moving in separate spheres also. I don't know if his retirement right around my surgery had anything to do with it or not, but it was weird. I do admit that I enjoy some of the continued closeness we have. The point is, don't smother your husband...let him have room to recover on his own as you can...you need the rest too. Good luck and God bless.

 

[Peggy in Alaska]

Smothering

Smothering

To Jean:

You hit the nail on the head. I haven't had surgery yet, but when I got the diagnosis, my husband, thank goodness, went back to work [to keep his mind off my heart condition]. Even now with him working full-time, he follows me around the house, gets nervous when I say I will be gone running errands for an hour, and arrive home 66 minutes later! A patient needs space.

 

[Gisele]

My view

My view

Hi Kathy and welcome

I am a cardiac patient and had my mitral valve replaced 21 years ago. Just last month I suffered my second and third subdural hematoma followed by a stroke after my surgery. Coming from the patient point of view I know how nervous my husband is. I really feel for him as even though he doesn' t say it out loud I can sense his nervousness. I am nearly 8 weeks post op and even now if I get up in the middle of the night he awakens and asks me if I am OK. If he sees me make some kind of face like I might be in pain or worried about something he picks up on it.

I wish he didn't worry so much, but I don't know how to get him to stop. I am OK, and if something is wrong, believe me I will let him know. I just hate to see him worry so much.

Like everyone before me said, your husband will be OK. I am sure he senses your worries, so take a deep breath and try to relax.

 

[Karlynn]

Hi Kathy,
You have landed in the right group. I'm sure you can already feel the support we all send to you.

I had my mitral valve replaced 12 years ago (well, almost, 10/24 is my anniversary). My husband does a good job of not letting me know when he's worried. But I see the signs! We all worry here. We'd be foolish not to at times. Here are a few helpful hints (hopefully) that might help you:
-Remind yourself that you and your husband are so very blessed to be alive at this time. With all the technology, there's a lot that can happen that the experts can handle, when 10 or 20 years ago they couldn't.

-Let yourself be "in the moment". There's a wonderful Budhist monk by the name of Thich Nhat Hahn (tick not hawn) that teaches the art of mindfulness. I am a Christian, but I find his teachings to be so wonderfully practical. When you are doing the dishes, be in the moment, think of how you are washing the dishes. When you are eating dinner, think about your food and how you chew and swallow and how good it tastes. When you are feeling stressed, think about your breathing. Think of how the air comes in and goes out. I've found that using these techniques can sometimes allow me to put worries, that can't be dealt with immediately, in their proper place. It doesn't mean that you won't ever deal with them, it just means that you are living "in the moment" and appreciating each moment. So when you are at the grocery store and want to call your husband - think about those can of peaches you need to get. Where you'll get them, how great they'll taste when you open the can.


-Take your cues from your husband. I think we all know our spouses pretty well, so if he isn't feeling good, you'll get signs (if your mind is clear from over worry).

Blessings to you and your husband.
Karlynn

 

[liamty]

hi

hi

My husband had surgery at age 21...22 years ago. I met him a little after that. We have learned lots since then, and are still learning! These days our main concern is related problems eg, any injuries can tend to become bigger problems through warfarinisation. Therefore hospital treatment is sometimes needed. BUT life goes on too, and with 2 young children they deserve a normal life and not to constantly having an ailing Dad. My husband has grown up with health problems and parents who gave him soooooo much sympathy that he never had to do too much for himself. Don't make that mistake, Steve is much better when he is responsible for himself. Our family GP is the best, he encourages Steve to take responsibility for his own health, and is very supportive of me, whether we are up or down (he seems to know me better than me, maybe he just knows the situation).
It has taken me 19 years to understand that we all need time to ourselves to not be a nurse or a carer, just to be the people we were before all of this.

 

[medtronic of borg]

"normal"

"normal"

I really wish people would stop refering to getting back to "normal". He has changed this is now normal. So what I have to say sound rough but I don't mean it to be hurtful...get use to it. Hold his hand and take a walk together have sex what ever it takes for you to find the bounderies of this new normal.

Any thoughts on what I have said anyone?
Med

 

[Johnny Stephens]

Hi Kathy! Well, I've often said that my OHS was at least as stressful for my immediate family - certainly more so for my wife (another Kathy ). You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself! Part of that is giving yourself permission to feel exactly the way you are feeling right now. Several of the folks have already chimed in, and given you some great advice, so I can't really add much new. Really, he's still in recovery phase, but you will see things improve soon and be able to relax a bit.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Kathy]

Kathy,

It's wonderful that you have been so supportive of your husband. I am so grateful to my husband for his loving concern during and after recent mitral valve surgery. He may have been a bit overzealous at times, but I did appreciate his concerns.

While medical people hovered around me, he was more or less alone. He stayed at a hotel near the hospital for the 17 days that I was hospitalized. He kept in touch with family by phone and several friends came and spent time with him. When we returned home he had to take over a lot of household responsibilites. He owns his own business, and had urgent matters to attend to. I believe all of this took it's toll, and he recently had to see a doctor about stress related issues. I hope that you will do the same if you need to.

 

[Kathy]

Med wrote:

I really wish people would stop refering to getting back to "normal".

That is an excellent point. I worked with a vocational counselor in a hospital years ago. She said the term disabled is misleading. All of us are temporarily able. Precluding sudden death, at some point in our lives we will all be incapacited to some extent.

Many people "IRL in real life", have asked how I am doing. I know they are wanting to hear that I have been CURED! A lot of people tell me how their family members felt SO much better after OHS. That has not been true in my case. It has only been six months and I'm hopeful that I will continue to improve. I also know there are no guarantees.

I have made it a point to focus on prayers of gratitude for the signs of recovery that have occured and the kindnesses that have been bestowed upon me.

 

[dwfreck]

Re: "normal"

Re: "normal"

I really wish people would stop refering to getting back to "normal". He has changed this is now normal.

Kathy, and med,

In my opinion, "normal" is in the eye of the beholder.

From a stricly medical perspective, no one with any kind of heart disease was originally "normal" before they had surgery, and still aren't "normal" afterward.

In the more commonly used social perspective, Kathy's husband may have been "normal" for quite a while - namely, attending to the duties of family, career and society. Then he was probably "not quite normal" for a while - namely, experiencing symptoms that interfered to some degree with attending to the duties of family, career and society. Now, during recovery, he is "definitely not normal" - namely, relying on the support of others while trying to heal enough to return to the duties of family, career and society. Hopefully, he will be able to return to society's "normal" in the not too distant future.

Depending on the timeframe you use to measure Kathy's husband, you could probably define several different levels of "normal" based on his abilities at the time.

In the end, the definition of "normal" that really matters, is Kathy's and her husband's. Both of them have clearly changed in the last few years, months, weeks, days and hours. What matters is how they feel about where they are now, and where they expect to be in the next few hours, days, weeks, months and years.

In short, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, "Normal is as normal does."