The struggle is real. . . discharged and second guessing myself.

[harrietW]

Hello friends . I am home .. sorta! at my sons for a few day after discharge yesterday. I am angry sad and second guessing my desision that l went with Open Heart Surgery and even more so mechanical valve replacement . I cannot believe the amount of meds that have now been attached to my very existence. Overwhelming leaving the hospital pharmacy yesterday with 3 large bags of pills needles and breathing devices. The thought of being attacattached to the lab for the rest of life is all the sudden not so appealing. I am struggling with the very thought of my life as l am a recovering addict the very ritualistic habitual routine of taking pills to now survive is also the very demon that l have spent my life powerless over. Yes drug and alcohol addiction although sober am struggling with the very idea that l have now complicated my very simple routine life free from addiction to a life full of medication that will inevitably save me. Yes l understand the difference between the two but that doesn't make my head or fears less real. I hope in time and healing l will find solice and peace with my decision as right now to be honest l have felt no positive results from my surgery this far. As l am still very week breathless and scaring very fresh l feel like l am still drowning panicked and question how l will feel on the months to follow. My lungs are very weak although the fluid seems lesson ed my right lung is partially clasped l have a long road ahead. I am blessed and grateful that l was able to walk out of that hospital yesterday. I just question if walking in was the right thing to do.
Praying for answers and continued healing.

 

[dornole]

Praying for you too Harriet. I don't think you had much of an appealing option, you were already experiencing a lot of symptoms.

Can you reach out to your recovery network get some support around your concerns about your meds and your addiction history? You can't be the first person to have gone through this. Since you were strong enough to recover in the first place, I'd bet on you to handle this too with the support of others.

Praying for it to get easier for you soon and for you to get through each day as best you can. . . HUGS

 

[harrietW]

dornole your right thank you ! I should reserve my recovery statements to like minded recovery support l truly am just trying to process this whole situation in my head which is a good place to stay out of. I am processing the last couple of weeks right from hospital administration to discharge all seems like a big blur l can't hardly remember most if it. Lost a few days in there somewhere.
Thx again for praying Xx

 

[pellicle]

Harriet

post surgical confusion and depression (probably other feelings like anger and sadness) are real. I struggled in my first months (something I was discussing with friends just recently).

The only thing I can say is to not focus on anything like decisions and instead just look at what you need to do to be healthy again.

There are a plate full of pills to take (which bothered me too), but they do whittle down. Don't try to think about what's gone by, but where you'll go too.

The only thing you should decide on is to not decide on anything. You've just been through a life changing event ... so your life will change. Take time to allow that change to reveal itself. Consider it your second start in life, a new life ... babies cry a lot too so cry as needed.

Best Wishes

 

[harrietW]

Pellicle that is perfect advice l couldn't agree more. It's the same as rehab don't make any decisions and don't go into that head alone l got know business there.
Your so smart ! Lol thx u

 

[MethodAir]

Harriet, I had a boat load of medications post surgery that I went home with (Lasix, Ace Inhibitor, Beta Blocker, Warfarin). I'm only taking Warfarin now (if I don't have fish oil I take around 3mg/day). You are in about the most challenging phase...you have to keep on fighting, and know that the body can do amazing things.

I had virtually no memory of the week before surgery (because of the medical negligence and incompetence in hospital that nearly cost me my life). I have no memory of going into surgery. I completely lost track of time. You can request your medical documents with all the notes and backtalk that will make things more clear.

 

[Paleowoman]

Dear Harriet - I can only stress that you are still in very early days. The first few weeks post surgery are awful but things will get better. Slowly, slowly they will get better as your body heals from such an enormous injury. Yes I know the injury was to save your life but it is still a massive injury. So many folks put far too positive a spin on how it will be post surgery - yes I know it's so as not to scare folks coming up to surgery, but honestly if the spin is too positive then you feel more awful after surgery for not feeling better ! But you will feel better and you will be able to cut down on all the pills they give you, it just takes time. Do see a GP like right now - I saw mine three days after discharge and he cut down on the stomach med that day and the following one on the diuretic - I'm not saying you may be able to cut down on them or any others right now, but it's anyway a good idea to see your doctor to check up on you regularly. The forum here is also very supportive post surgery when some days you feel too awful - people here do understand. Try to get some healing rest - hospitals are not restful places ! And take little walks indoors if it's cold outside, and then more rest, little steps towards recovery {{{hugs}}}

 

[honeybunny]

You are a very strong woman and I know you will make it one baby step at a time. Regarding your choice of valve, you certainly don't want to go through this again in 10 years. You've gotten good advice here and people praying for you. You will make it.

 

[Superman]

harrietW, we can only speak of our own first hand experiences, and they are all just a little different. I think for most, we all know that there comes a time when you look back and can't recall when you started feeling 'normal' again - but you know you do. You'll get there. Personally, I recovered fairly quickly, then went backward just as fast. Just over two weeks out, I was passing out Halloween candy and making dinner for the family. Another week later, and I couldn't keep any food down and could barely stand up. We got it figured out and got passed that too.

Funny how sometimes every minute lasts an eternity, but the years just fly by.

I'll add that right now your medical support team is as available to you as they ever will be. Call if it doesn't feel right. Call if you're just curious. Call for clarification. You've paid them all handsomely. Make them earn it.

 

[epstns]

Harriet - You have been through SO much, but always remember that The Good Lord only gives us what we can handle, so you CAN handle it. It isn't easy, but if it was easy, you wouldn't be as special as you are.

From my own experience, the first few weeks are challenging, and then some. You already know to "stay out of your own head" - so don't second guess yourself and don't over-exaggerate (thinking every thing through to its worst possible outcome). Sure, some things will not go as planned, but most eventually will. I remember my first few weeks at home after surgery. I felt positively rotten. I, too, wondered if things would ever get better. They did for me (in a very big way), and I'm sure they will for you, too.

You already know how to do the hard work. Just don't for a minute doubt yourself or your ability to do it.

This, too, we take One Day at a Time.

 

[harrietW]

Thank you all for you words of wisdom and support your all so amazing !! Thx you epstns Superman honeybunny Paliogirl MethodAir and of course those of you l have already responded to. I'm doing better in this moment although extremely sore. The Mobil lab came yesterday morning called back my doses for the next couple day and will be back tomorrow to draw. I have made a follow appt with my GP for Monday morn. As will l also go to lab for blood in the town which l live as l am making arrangements to go home on Saturday 3 hr drive . I just want to be home in my own bed. In my own world with my own surroundings . You just want the truth about how much trama you will undergo an honestly l couldn't see it until l experienceD it.
Although l am not happy about the whole warfrin thing and don't ever want to go through this again l am at the same time feeling a little jipped that l only got one valve replaced the other repaired .. that's not what l signed up for l thought with 2 valves replaced the warfrin was the trade off. In otherwise l didn't get what l signed up for. The thought of a redo on the mitral valve sickens ne so l will pray about that long and hard.
Thx friends. .. lm a ventER that's how l process things. So l will continue to be grateful and l am beyond blessed l know and feel somewhat guilty about bitch ing so much. Just trying to find a way to work through it. I am truly blessed.

 

[Paleowoman]

Dear Harriet - DON'T FEEL GUILTY about "bitching so much ! You have been through hell of a lot, all of us who've had AVR have been through hell of a lot ! There's no denying that ! The whole thing is traumatic ! Someone wrote on here a few years ago about having a nightmare where she was attacked with knives, she was being murdered. This was actually a 'memory' of her surgery coming through. As far as your brain/mind is concerned, when you were in that operating theatre under anaesthetic, you were attacked with knives, your heart was stopped - what a threat that was to you - that is how your body and mind would have reacted, that is how the hormones in your body would have reacted. It doesn't matter that your concious self knew it was to help you, your body/mind/brain registered the whole thing as an attack, as an attempted murder. One of the cardiac nurses also explained that like that to me. So you've been there and out the other side - don't feel guilty about how you now feel !

Do you have some support when you get home ? I know what you mean about being in your own place and your own bed. When I was discharged the nursing staff wanted me to go to a convalescent hospital because at home there would be my son who is on the autistic spectrum and somewhat stressful, BUT I much prefered to go home regardless as everyone feels better/safer at home. Glad you have an appointment with your GP - he/she maybe able to arrange some help for you.

 

[spartangator]

Harriet, as you can see, loads of people here are behind you. As others have mentioned, the initial stretch is rough because we're just not in a place to function well mentally after the trauma of surgery. Please offer yourself some grace and patience. The fact that you're expressing and sharing your experience gives me so much confidence in your ability to process all this and come to a good place. Keep doing as you're doing, following the wonderful words of all the posters above, and take it moment by moment.

 

[harrietW]

spartangator thank you ! So true hey Noone is harder on us than ourselves. I'm going to take your advice. Thx you Xx
Anne -Paliogirl that is so true l was infact having a hard time remembering much until last night l actually remembered more l think than l care to and even wondered if part of it was just my imagination although l think it was infact Fact !! I actually remember being above everyone in the ICU or trama room actually immediately after surgery and they all had to hold me down and l was yelling and cursing but l was above the bed and watching them trying to calm me down my soul had left my body infact. So l am starting to put the pieces together and understand more fully the extent of the trama agreed to or not anesthetic or not the mind has a way to remember and surpress when it needs to.
Xx ❤

 

[Seaton]

Fantastic you’re home, Harriet. ;-)
I raise a teacup to you as a toast.

May good healing be yours as the weeks progress.

Best and rest … Seaton

 

[harrietW]

Cheers Seaton !!!
Very blessed to be out of hospital resting at sons and hope to make the 3 hour journey home to my little town on Saturday where l will continue my recovery in the comfort of home.

Thank you Seaton Xx

 

[cldlhd]

I didn't have my valve replaced so I wasn't on warfarin but I remember when I got home the list of things they had me taking everyday and thinking the same- " Is this how it is from now on?" but one by one they went away except for the stuff I take on my own - multi vit, krill oil, coq10 and vitamin k2. I don't know how many of yours are permanent but as I'm sure some have said here it's amazing how we humans adjust and accept new realities and before long it becomes routine.

 

[harrietW]

Thank you cldlhd!
I would be very grateful to drop most of these meds however l do understand now that some are permanent and some are temporary. One day at a time we will get it all sorted out. Thank you ! Xx

 

[DachsieMom]

So glad you are back. The meds do get better. I was on several, and now just warfarin and aspirin. I found the metoprolol reduced my bP so low (80/60) and my hands turned to peeling leather so they took me off of that fairly quickly as well. Just know it will be a different situation in several weeks.

 

[harrietW]

DachsieMom thank you that is very incouraging news !
Funny how one day can start to change ones perspective on the situation .
My biggest complaint today is nausea. .