Talking with Kids

will · Jan 17, 2006

I'm slated for surgery 31 Jan to repair my mitral valve, and I have two kids ages 12 and 14. Does anyone know of a general reference for discussing the whole issue of heart surgery with children? I've looked, but no luck yet. We've made a decision to be completely open with them, and to show them everything the doctor has given me, but I suspect there are good sources that can help guide a child through dad's surgery and recovery (at least in the immediate recovery period). I would appreciate any advice.

PamO · Jan 17, 2006

There's quite a few parents on here that will chime in on this. All I can say is that children are far smarter and capable of understanding than we give them credit for. I would definitely involve them so that they feel that they have some "ownership" of what's going on with you. Can you tell I run an HR department? Ownership - sheesh, Pam! I need a vacation!

Ross · Jan 17, 2006

Hi Will and welcome to the forums.

Honestly I think your 100% correct in being open and honest with them. They need to know that what is happening with you is serious, but correctable. The danger lies in doing nothing about it. Kids worry about so much stuff that honesty with them and including them in the problem means more then anything else in the world. YOU mean more then anything else in the world. Great time to lead by example.

They are going to need to know that dad is going to experience some things that may or may not leave some depression and dad isn't going to be anywhere near normal for a couple weeks after surgery. They are going to have to give you time and patience in recovery. It all comes in baby steps too, nothing fast or fancy. Your going to be extremely tired, weak, and emotional messed up for a bit. It will resolve, but again, time is the element here.

hensylee · Jan 18, 2006

your children are half grown and even tho they are still children, their knowledge is pretty extensive. I think they should be prepared because this will change their lives a bit, too. At least for awhile. If they will be at the hospital during surgery, you might think about them NOT seeing you until some of the tubes are out. I recall opening my eyes, staring up and seeing my son's eyes (nothing else but his eyes) which were full of tears. It's a memory burned in my memory forever. He was way past childhood (32) This part is hard on everybody, especially spouse and children.

Marguerite53 · Jan 18, 2006

My children are grown, 18, 21 and 23. They are all out of state in different colleges. When I found out about the stenosis (they've always known of my heart defect and its potential to tank) 2 years ago, I told them pretty quickly. They hadn't actually yearned for any information until I got the go ahead, recently, to see a surgeon. Now, the oldest is offering me advice on which valve!!

I am coming up on my surgery and we aren't sure if they will be able to be here for it. I'm in somewhat of a quandry about that, so I sympathize with your querry. I suggested that they didn't need to see me with all those tubes and all, and they reminded me that 9 years ago they went into ICU to visit their grandfather after his triple by-pass and while it was memorable, it was not upsetting since they knew by then that he was fine. Better, actually, than he would have been.

Perhaps the hospital has information for you. I know that they offer tours for some hospital stays, perhaps a hospital tour prior to the event would help them feel more comfortable in that environment. At that time, machinery and particulars could be identified. The hospital should also have some kind of counselling department -- they might know of some references for you.

Our site has a resouces list on the first Forum page. Perhaps some of the ideas listed there will be of help to you.

I'm sure that whatever you manage to come up with will be the right thing for your family. Your effort, mutual compassion and caring will carry you all through just fine.

Marguerite

KAJ · Jan 18, 2006

Will,

I have four children. When I had my AVR last year, my kids ages were 12, 9 , and 5 (set of twins, boy and a girl). We were open with all of them. We told them that Daddy's heart needed to be fixed and that it Daddy would have to rest for several weeks. We also encouraged them to pray for Daddy.

If at all possible, I think it helps for the kid's routine to stay the same during this period. Because my surgery was done out of state, our relatives took care of our kids in our home. They still went to school and attended all of their activities outside of school.

My kids were saddened but handled it very well. My oldest child and I drew much closer because of the surgery. I was gone for a week for the surgery. I was home for 24 hours when all of my kids saw me being taken by ambulance to the hospital due to complications. My wife made sure the kids saw me periodically. She even arranged for our kids (and her sister;s kids) to have their Easter egg hunt in the garden of the hospital on Easter Sunday

.

Hope this helps generate some ideas for you.

Karl