Spouse in denial

[beccaslp]

We have known since early February 05 that I was going to need OHS for an AVR. I am in good health now, but they want it fixed soon before things start going down hill (there is already some measurable thickening of the ventricle and the valve is in the moderate to severe range of stenosis)

Anyway, my surgery is not scheduled until June 1 05. So we have waited for 2 months so far and have 2 more months to wait. My husband, who is a pessimist and chronis worrier just doesn't seem to have acknowledged what is going to happen. He also has some anxiety issues.

It is almost like he does not want to talk or think about it because if he does he won't be able to handle it. Has anyone else felt like him? I have tried to be positive, but after 2 months of that, thinking about being positive for 2 more months makes me tired. I am reaching the point were I am starting to be depressed. But I feel like I can't talk to him because he can't handle it either. HELP! BECCA

 

[catwoman]

Becca:

My husband and I had lunch with another VR patient & her husband pre-op. (We met through valvereplacement.com and had the same surgeon, same hospital.)
John was able to answer questions about spousal anxiety, how to help her post-op, etc.

Perhaps your surgeon or cardio has a patient who had VR in the last 6-12 months who would be willing to meet with you & your husband, or to talk via phone.

Where are you in Arkansas? A friend in Conway had MVR (has a St. Jude) last July somewhere in Little Rock.

 

[hensylee]

I expect it IS hard for him. There have been spouses here who have trouble with it. If he cares to join us, maybe the members could help. He could come in, register in his own made up name and never even have to tell you it's him so he could talk privately and keep his cover. Lots of issues he might talk about to VR that he'd never voice to you. If not, then you are just plain stuck with us being a support for you. We can do it, you know. We are here 24/7 to help any way we are able.

Depression is part of heart issues, you know.

 

[tobagotwo]

If he'll go for it, Marsha may have the best answer.

One of the issues, especially for males, is the helplessness. My wife has had surgery, and it's very difficult to deal with having to give your spouse over to someone who will operate on them. You resent having no control. You resent being unable to act on your spouse's behalf.

He may feel he has no input, and can do nothing to help, and has thus become sidelined and sullen.

Maybe you could ask him to research things for you, or in some other way involve him meaningfully in the process. Makework won't do, as he'll figure that out.

I hope he comes around.

Best wishes,

 

[starkone]

You sound like me!!

You sound like me!!

Becca...

If it is any consolation, I had these exact same fears when I was diagnosed. I was very worried about my husband being able to handle all of what it entailed. I sat him down one day and told him he HAD to be there for me. I would not be able to do it myself and he had to accept that.
He has been wonderful. Of course he has been scared but he hasn't left my side in the three weeks since my surgery.
He actually has learned to put a meal on the table with alot of help from Whole Foods! Now that I know he can do it he will have a new job when I am well!
The best potion is to be honest with him and tell him how you are feeling. I had many of the same fears but they were unfounded. I hope it is the same for you!
Good luck,
Karen

 

[Barry]

I think more important than that your spouse doesn't want to talk about it is the fact that you do. I'd deal with that, and let your husband deal with his own stuff his own way.

Note this is coming from a twice-divorced and currently-single fellow, though.

Anyway, that said, do you have someone to speak with? Friend? Pastor? Unindicted co-conspirator?

 

[Granbonny]

Hi

Hi

I noticed in another of your posts..you said, you had family...Children? how old? maybe he is worried about things like..who will stay with them when you are in hospital? Maybe if you plan everything out now..including a recliner, for napping in...family to help bring in food, ect..He may feel better...... In other words, Get your ducks in a row...then sit back and relax.... If he is worried about you during your surgery..maybe you can plan for some other relatives, friends to be with him.....If he is worried that you will not be O.k..then get him to read some of the post-op threads..and see how well we all are doing Bonnie

 

[bvdr]

My husband had a hard time at first and certainly didn't want to have to talk about it. It isn't that he doesn't love me but he has never been comfortable with anything medical. His idea of handling many medical concerns is to ignore them long enough and they may go away. I let him know enough so he didn't feel left out but that was about it. Most of my support was right here on this board. Everyone was wonderful to me and in no way did I feel like I was going it alone. I had good support from my church and members in my ladies prayer group but I didn't really go into real details with them either. We downsized to a smaller home a couple of months before surgery and friends and family helped me move.

My husband never went to a doctor appointment with me but I really wouldn't have ever expected that. We have been married for almost 39 years and I pretty much know how he is going to react. You might do better not worrying about how he will handle things if you can manage that. Is this behavior rather typical for him?

 

[Karlynn]

Not to scare you, but it's been 13 years since my valve surgery and I think that in many ways my wonderful, loving husband still chooses to remain in denial of exactly what my health really is. One of my best friends has often commented "Karlynn, he's just in denial, because to think otherwise scares the life out of him."

I know he will be there for you, whether or not he expresses exactly what you need him to express. I've found that stating in clear terms what I need from my husband has helped a lot. At other times, I let him have his dream world.

 

[Barry]

...Men, correct me if I'm missing something...

Nope, you got it. Want to strike terror into the heart of your man? Say this: "We need to talk about the relationship."

 

[MichyB]

I am familiar with your situation. When I was incorrectly diagnosed with PH, my husband (of all of two months) could NOT handle it. I was so upset at the time and felt very alone. We have since talked about how he could better handle health related things in the future. For men, if they can't "fix" it, they have a hard time dealing with it. I know that's a generalization, but it was my experience. Keep trying to get him to talk. Eventually, he'll come around.

 

[Barry]

...my husband (of all of two months) could NOT handle it.... For men, if they can't "fix" it, they have a hard time dealing with it. I know that's a generalization, but it was my experience. Keep trying to get him to talk. Eventually, he'll come around.

Weighing in here in defense of we menfolks: I disagree. It's not that we can't handle it. Not talking about problems is part of how we handle them. About the only problem we can't handle is women who can't handle problems, and thus want to talk about them (joke, joke - although if your statement about men is a fair statement, then this is a fair statement about women. Personally, I think both are unfair statements.)

I do agree with you about the "fixit" mentality. Speaking for myself, I generally view talking a lot about my problems that I can do nothing about as boring sniveling. Both bores and annoys me, and I assume it does others, too - which (sort of the theme of this thread) may be an unwarranted assumption.