Spouse at the end of rope-help!

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Barbara Stewart

Last night I fell and cut my head and arm. It wasn't really a bad fall, but it did have dramatic value.
My husband freaked out and started to tell me I had to stop doing this. I fell a lot after my first surgery when I was on Neurontin and they were bad falls. I broke some ribs from one of the falls.
Anyway, we had a huge fight and he yelled at me, which he never does. I know he needs to have some relief, but he isn't very sociable and won't ask for help. I'm trying to get him to write to the Significant Others thread, but that may do no good.
He really thinks I have some control over things like falling. I did a dumb and tripped on an electric cord in a dark hall. I SHOULD have been thinking, but I've done it a 1000 times. He thinks things are going to go back to normal, like they were before (before when?). Periodically I am overcome with exhaustion and then I feel great and I don't get any warning.
What can I do for him? I don't have a lot left over since I am still struggling with my health issues. I'm pretty self sufficient, but I do need some comfort and affection, not a lecture about how I have to be more careful and not do these dumb things.
THis OHS thing has so many more diminsions than I ever dreamed, like the pumphead syndrome. When I'm tired it gets worse and that's what I was yesterday (and still am today).
Thanks in advance for reading this. I'm not sure this is the right thread, but I know you will all forgive me.

Barbara:confused:
 
Barb-

I'm so sorry you had that fall. I think I can relate to some (at least) of your spouse's feeling. I have never gotten angry, but I have been very, very scared. I believe he had a knee-jerk reaction generated by extreme fear for you and what another fall could mean, since you have already had significant injuries. Try to forgive his immediate seeming insentivity. I think it was just a scary secnario for him.

I have seen Joe fall several times. He fainted or passed out during some of those times, and I saw the falls and wasn't near enough to stop them. Three of those times, he didn't have a pulse that I could detect. The ENTs were able to detect a pulse. He ended up going to the hospital on all of those occasions by ambulance. I was frightened out of my mind. He had some minor injuries after those falls, and his face just missed, by an inch, the sharp corner of the dining room table, during one of them, the plate glass picture window during one, and goring his spleen with the outside sprinkler head with another.

He finally had to have a pacemaker implanted, since his heart rate was dipping and causing the faints. They then stopped.

A year ago in February, he was bringing in the garbage can, and slipped on some snow covered ice and mangled his left side so badly that he spent a week in the hospital and then an extended stay in a rehab facility to learn to walk again, and then had to have in home rehab for a whlle as he graduated from a walker to a cane, to walking alone. Fortunately he did not break any bones, nor did he have an intracranial bleed. But those could have happened, and the outcome would have been disastrous. He certainly couldn't help any of those.

I can easily project in my mind all of the "what ifs" of such accidents. What if he fell crossing a busy street?, What if he fell coming down the stairs? What if he fell when I was grocery shopping and couldn't summon any help? What if he broke a hip or had a brain bleed?

There are times now when his medical conditions cause him to be less steady than he used to be. It could be from congestive heart failure which can make you not as alert as you should be, it could be from anemia which robs your system of oxygen and thus causes fatigue and less alertness, and any one of a dozen serious problems he has. Even pulmonary hypertension can cause one to feel faint, and Joe has that too.

So, now, when he isn't feeling up to par, he uses his cane to steady himself. We BOTH know that a fall could mean disaster for him, and I do try to keep an eye on him especially in dimly lighted places, or near stairs, or when crossing an area with traffic. He almost got knocked on his backside the other day when he was walking into the doctor's office past a stair exit door, and a guy was flying down the stairs, and opened up the door suddenly without thinking that someone could be on the other side. Fortunately, I heard the footsteps, and warned Joe and grabbed him, just in case, since he was walking slowly and carefully with his cane.

It really does help to understand the nature of your illnesses, both for you and for your husband. Of course, you can't help these kinds of things. You may have to be extra careful for yourself, that would certainly help, especially during times when you are not quite yourself, perhaps go slower, add some light where there isn't any, use a cane, if you have to. It is a difficult thing to admit to yourself that you may have to baby yourself now, with some of your problems. But, if it helps you to avoid any more falls, it will be well worth it.

I do think you should bring the falling problems to the attention of your cardiologist and your PCP. There may be some things going on that they could help with. And, if your husband can go with you to these appts. it will help him to understand the nature of your difficulties.

Please, "Mr. Barbara":) , join us here in the forums. There are several spouses here who can help and give you support, even though you may not want it:p . We would love to have you join our little group.

Will be thinking of both of you.
 
Barbara, I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say that you have my sympathy for all that's going on - as you say, its such a complex situation you're in. One thing does occur to me. When my husband is ill - very rarely - I get very cross and moody with him and I hate myself for it. I think its because it scares me, and I guess this is part of what's going on with your husband. Anyway, I hope things get a bit easier for you somehow. Take care. Teresa
 
Sorry to hear of your fall. I'm SURE your husband's reaction was from fear and concern for your safety.

A couple of ideas come to mind:

Put a 'night light' in the "dark hall"
and run the electric cord under a carpet or rug.
OR, find a better route for the cord / eliminate it
from the hallway.

Think PREVENTION !

'AL Capshaw'
 
Barbara...

I can imagine how lost your are feeling...I am still in the "waiting-room" and hubby is at the end-of-his-rope with me too...

Stuff like this shows how hard it is on some of our spouses to be the partner of a heart-patient...we really do have the easy end except for a bit of pain and worry about the surgery....

My hubby would no-more join a forum to get help, than he would wear a pink Tu-Tu to work!...

He has actually admitted he is scared and that was probably as much as I will ever get out of him on the subject...
Thats also probably why I love you guys here so much too ;) .

I'm so sorry your hubby is like this too...I thought I was the only one who has a partner who doesnt know how to deal with all this stuff.

BIG HUGZ
 
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