selfish????????????

[joy]

Why is it that I always end up being dumped on????? My brother says his job schedule is SO busy that he can't drive an 1800 miles with me. I have two young kids, and I have to drive from Silverdale Washington to Rochester Minnesota ALONE! HE asked where my husband was going to be, and I said driving his car. I mean, I am constantly being let down by family members here. He PROMISED me he'd be out after my surgery to help out. He didn't make it all because of the stupid 9/11 thing. I mean, it may seem selfish, but I'M HIS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad has said he was going to come out, but never has. I never get help out from him, and my other brother never freaking calls me either! I'm supposed to come first in these people's lives, yet they left me high and dry. I had two weeks of help after my surgery, then I was on my own. Well, ok, my husband took an extra week of leave, but I feel like I let him down too. I mean, I couldn't work, and it was MY health that screwed us over financially. I get so freaking depressed sometimes, yet have nobody to relay these feelings to, so I clean. My house is generally a very clean place! It's just guilt. I lay awake at night alot just thinking about this stuff. It's rainy around here, so there isn't much to do anyways. The kids are the things that drag me out of bed some mornings. I just wonder, when is it my turn to have the big important job, the fancy cars, and the nice house? Never?????????

 

[sylviayasgur]

hi joy!
sorry to hear you so upset. i guess it happens to all of us at sometime in our lives.
i'm a little confused, why is it that you aren't driving with your husband and need your brother to drive you? was your husband staying with the kids?
similar things happened when joey had his surgery. it's amazing to see who comes out of the woodwork when you need people and who doesn't! i was so disappointed in my brother and sister-in-law. i am her biggest supporter and she didn't even call!!! what i am learning is that it's not fair to expect of others what you would do for them. (i would have offered to take her kids for the weekend, etc. or have them stay with us..... she didn't even call to see how things were!!)
it's not easy.
please vent away....we're all here to listen. although i don't feel like i've helped a great deal, it's good to know that you can come here and just talk or whatever.
hope things turn out ok. please let us know.
-sylvia

 

[Jean]

VENT -- THEN BE INDEPENDENT

VENT -- THEN BE INDEPENDENT

Hey Joy,

Don't ever hesitate to use us as a sounding board when you're down and need someone to rail on. It happens to all of us and we do understand.

That said, take a good deep breath and hitch up your suspenders and say "to _____ with all of them!" I guess I learned early on that for all intensive purposes I was on my own...if I didn't want to be hurt or disappointed, do it myself. Sometimes what we would like and what we get is way far apart. At least you had your husband there.

It was pretty crappy of your family, but that is life. Just remember how much a little help would have meant to you when somebody else needs it. Not necessarily those who crapped out on you, but good friends.

Good luck and I hope you are perking along now...it could just be that this crisis brought your children, husband and you closer together...you weathered a hurricane!

 

[Nancy]

Dear Joy-

Fancy cars, a huge house and an important job just don't make happiness. They're the great illusions of life. Behind them could be the most miserable people in the world, and very frequently are.

True happiness is the love of your immediate family, your little children and your husband, for you, and your love for them. True happiness also is enhanced by good health and you have just improved yours immensely.

If money is tight now, make some small things for your kids for Christmas surprises, draw a little picture for them, bake some cookies with them. They'll remember that mommie took the time to think of them in a special way. Write a beautiful letter for your husband. He'll appreciate it more than some store bought gift. Write a letter to yourself to be opened in 10 years by you.

Forget about others who've hurt you, it's unfair, but everyone can relate to it. Put your focus where you'll get the most return. Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful they can be.

Most of all appreciate what you have come through, it was extremely difficult and you triumphed. Rejoice, you've been given a new life and tomorrow a new day will dawn.

 

[Bill Hall]

Joy - It sounds like you have a good husband and a good brother who just couldn't get things worked out. I can't make excuses for your other brother or father, but you may want to find out what they think. Maybe they misunderstood the seriousness of your surgery. In any case, I hope you get a sunny day soon.

 

[Kevin M]

Joy, I am sorry to hear of your frustrations. You sound pretty upset. This is a good place to vent. I think there are probably many of us who have felt the same way. I know what it's like to have people let you down when it really counts. It's discouraging and the disappointment can really hurt deeply.

Your post hit home for me on a few different levels.

I hate to say this, but the only thing that is going to make you feel better is to change your expectations of others. The only person you will ever be able to count on 100% is yourself and by trying to be more realistic about what family members and friends should or should not do will help a great deal.

I can tell you from experience that you can push yourself into depression with this sort of frustration and the resulting anger can eat you alive.

I am not a doctor or anything, but my psychologist gave me a book to read about managing your expectations. I forget the name of it, but it was written by Albert Ellis. If you are interested, email me and I'll look it up. It was pretty repetitive and pretty dry, but the core thing it did was offer some tools to help manage your expectations of others to a more realistic point of view.

They talk about your "shoulds". Where we say things like, "he should do this or act this way" or "she should do this for me without my even asking her to".

Here is the basics of what it discusses:
1) Identify the frustration or negative emotion.
2) Answer the question, "Why am I feeling this way?"
3) What do I expect and which of my expectations are not being met in this situation?
4) Are my expectations applicable universally? (meaning - is everyone suffering from this frustration? for example, if I'm frustrated because I didn't get a job I interviewed for, does everyone react the way I'm reacting?)
5) Replace the expectation in number 3 with a more universally applicable "should".
6) How do I feel right now? If still upset, go back and rework this.

This exercise helped me a great deal, but it takes a lot of practice. It's a bit counter-intuitive because when we're angry, the last thing we want to do is look inward. We lash out at others and blame others for what they are "doing to us". Even though often, they are doing nothing more or less than what we can count on them for.

As for the fancy cars, houses and the big job... all that does is complicate your life. I've been dirt poor and I've had money (not millions, but very comfortable). When I was poor, I knew what was real, who my friends were and life made sense. Yeah, I was hungry at times and felt like everyday was a struggle, but overall, I knew what counted.

When I had money, I could afford things; in fact, I collected them. Then they break and you have to fix them and update them and discard them and pay for them and find time to 'enjoy' them. Life became very complex and shallow. Happiness has little to do with money and things in my opinion. It has more to do with being present and trying to enjoy each moment for what it is.

I run my own company and help my wife with hers. At my worst, I have worked a 107 hour work week. I once maintained an average of 60 hours a week for almost a year straight with no break. I had lots of money, but poor health, no happiness and not much of a relationship with my family or my wonderful wife. There's often a high price to pay for the things you mention.

You have been given the gift of another chance at life with renewed health. It's tough to keep that in perspective sometimes. I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope you will continue to write because sometimes sharing those feelings with others, even those you don't know - can make you feel better.

Keep well,
Kev

 

[hensylee]

Kevin - a PERFECT post. We should keep this one around for reference as so many of us have some sort of depression after surgery.

Joy: I have been thinking about you all day and wondering what to say that could give you a different perspective on things. One question: Are you moving to Mn? Sounds like maybe since you are taking two cars. If this is the case, I surely understand your anger - and keep it as anger and don't let it slip into depression if you can help it.

If you are not moving, why are you going? If its for Christmas, stay at home and enjoy the wonderful family you have. You would save money that way and be able to have a better time, anyhow.

As to the fine house:

Never told anybody on the site before, but I was married to a physician for 30 yrs. We went through med school together with him being the student. Eventually, we had the pool, the house, the car, but didn't live like some physician families. Then came his midlife crisis and the end of 30 yrs. It was the most devastating time I have ever gone through. He got the house; I got a trailer. Eventually, I learned to live again and my life became wonderful. I now have a little house in the woods, nothing fancy at all, but it is mine. My furniture isn't new nor fancy nor expensive. My car is 6 yrs old, but it is just fine. The ex is a millionaire more than once - you would think he has it all. He married the youngster, but later said it was for his $ (and it was). He is the most unhappy man I have ever come across and with all he has you would think he would be happy - nada. I never married again, but I did have a SO for awhile until he passed away, and from him I learned wonderful life lessons - like 'things' aren't that important. I now live with my old hound dog, 2 chihuashuas and a kitty (who uses the toilet, by the way). I have been through quad bypass. I have a new lease, like you. Honey, what I am trying to say is live your life, do not let others do stuff to you like your brother has done - put it where it belongs and don't worry - be happy. Others can harm you only if you allow it. Let your brother know how rotten you think he has treated you, if you want and then let it go. Told my sister finally early this year - we socialize no more, but she sure knows she better not mess with me anymore. 68 yrs was long enough!! I waited too long, but if you let your feelings be known now, you could end up with a good relationship with your brother and anyone else who has let you down. God bless you, Child. You are in my prayers and I expect soon to hear that your living your name - JOY!

 

[Mara]

Joy!

Girl you need to vent and this is the place.

I am all with Kevin and Hensylee.

Big cars and stuff are no the things of millionaires. Most millionaires drive a car that is 10 years old.

You have a lot in your life. Kids, a husband, your health.
Reflect on the good things you have, and then on those who have nothing. IT makes you think. You could always be worse off than you are.

Your brothers' problems cannot become yours. You've got too much to deal with yourself. It's sad that they are selfish. But, you know that in the end they will be the worse off. Just keep on being who you are.

If I could get the time off from work I'd drive with you! I love road trips!

-Mara

 

[JenniferO]

Rich people

Rich people

Joy:

As a divorce paralegal, I work with lots of people who have way more money than they know what to do with. It does not make happiness. More often, the way they use their money is evidence that they are searching desperately for happiness in things and not finding it. I deal with women who as a matter of habit spend $10,000 a month (yes a month) on clothes or $500 a month on hair, nails, cosmetics, massages, etc. I'm lucky to have $200 a year to spend on clothes and I had one professional manicure in my life which was a birthday present from my husband. I regularly prepare affidavits in which people assert that they absolutely cannot live on less than $50,000 a month (yes, a month) and consider themselves destitute without it.

Now I am facing heart surgery that because of insurance problems may require that I go into debt $20-30,000 and on my earnings it would take the rest of my life to pay it. That's hard for me too when I see so many dollars going to waste on frivolous things.

Go to the website www.interviewwithgod.com and click on the "view presentation" button. It takes few minutes to load but is worth the time. Turn up the volume on your computer speakers so you can hear the music. Then enjoy a beautiful photographic essay with lots of things to think about the way we live our lives and what is really important.

One of the things that it says in the presentation that I keep reminding myself is that: "A rich man is not one who has the most, but the one who needs the least." The things that most enrich our lives are available to us all and are free. The motto I try to live by (my own paraphrase) is: "live simply, laugh often, love much."

I know the frustration you feel with your family. I have not had so much as a phone call or an e-mail from my brother or sister since it became known this summer that I need heart surgery. They're much too busy. If I wanted a phone conversation with my sister, I would actually have to schedule it weeks in advance so I would have a place on her daytimer; everything in her life is more important than me. Yet if you were to talk to her, she would profess that she loves me. It hurts deeply, because your family are the ones you expect to always be able to depend upon.

Jennifer

 

[Mb]

oH GOSH....I've thought alot about you, these past two days, after having read your post. For what its worth:

1. I've learned that only one person can possibly put you first....and thats yourself. If you are VERY lucky, your SO or spouse will, at times, in important situations, put you first. Otherwise, you are on your own.

2. I've learned that I do have to take care of myself first. Then, I can help take care of others.

3. You cannot teach people how to be considerate. They either know how, or they don't. And, asking them to help you with something, it may work, but then again they may resent it.

4. I've learned alot from having expectations from people that they are unable to fill...for whatever reason. The biggest lesson I have learned is to be considerate of others. If someone comes home from the hospital, I visit and make a meal. Maybe not the first days, when others might be there, but later, when they really need support. It doesn't take alot, and it makes me feel so good, so while taking care of them, I've actually taken care of myself.


5. I try to think of what I might need in the same situation.

6. I forget and forgive those I care about, who may have failed to fulfill my expectations of them. My feelings may be hurt, but I don't show it, because I do care about these people, and they probably just don't know how to return the caregiving.

7. If I really need some help, and no one offers, I pay someone to help me. Its a good investment. I remain in control, am not angry for the lack of help, and have in effect, taken care of myself. Again, its a good investment.

8. You cannot ask people to love or care about you. You will loose whatever friendship you have. Because, they will immediately feel guilty and defensive.......not good emotions for someone to feel towards you....especially because you are so fragil.

9. Women have a harder time taking care of themselves...even though they are often the folks who need it the most. I try to encourage all my women friends to take extra special care of themselves when they are vulnerable.

Well, in my journey, thats what I've learned. And, if all else fails....go shopping. That too is taking care of your self.

I hope that you feel better soon - Marybeth

 

[queenie61]

Joy,

Boy, can I relate to your story, without going into too much detail, in my own experience, I am looked upon as the STRONG one, MISS HAS IT ALL TOGETHER. Well, in this situation, facing open heart surgery, I AM NOT! Your family may not have understood what you were going through, or like my husband just didn't know how to handle it. I decided not to be hurt that they all couldn't read my mind to know exactly what I needed and decided to tell them. This has really helped them and me to know what to expect. I just said if you love me and you really want to be there for me this what I need. (Ask me how I feel today, Ask me questions about my research, Read the research for yourself....Take Care of Me, I'm SCARED. So far they have all responded beautifully. You can't change what has already happened but you can change how you are treated in the future, stand up for yourself!!! Queenie

 

[Christina]

Hi Joy,

Could relate to your story. I think we all can. I found a poem for you that helped me a lot when I was where you are now.
When I am feeling down I go to MrMom's page and look for what I need to hear that day. Some of the music is awesome.
I hope this helps, and let us know how you are doing please.

http://mrmom.amaonline.com/poems/I'velearned.htm

Christina
Aortic Stenosis
AVR's 8/7/00 & 8/18/00
St.Jude's Mechanical
Coumadin 20 mg a day

PS.. Have no idea why the URL doesn't come out right. But this is the exact address. Just type into your browser and it works. I tried. You just can't click on it here and make it work. Beats me! Sorry!!!
The URL for MrMom's Inspirational site is:
http://mrmom.amaonline.com/inspirational.htm

 

[Rain]

Positive attitude

Positive attitude

Hello Joy,

I woke up from heart surgery thankful I was alive to drag myself out of bed and raise my children. No joke, I believe that was my very first thought, upon waking from heart surgery. I wouldn?t trade my life with my happy, intelligent, responsible, well adjusted, compassionate, kids for an important job, fancy cars or nice house.......... EVER. You have the ability to make your children that type of people with or without money. You WILL need to be alive and in a positive state of mind.

I think we all have some of these family issues... you are not alone. Sometimes it helps to call up those rotten scoundrels (speaking of my family... not yours!) and tell them how you feel! Make sure you tell them you love them before you hang up though!! You might be surprised at the response you get from them. What ever happens, try to keep a positive attitude.

Good luck,
Rain

 

[McCln]

Joy

Joy

I come from a larger family and I just couldn't stress out over who was going to take care of me after surgery. I just thought that it would all work out later. My cousin here in town was to take care of me and my brother helped for two weeks instead. I was able to be on my own two weeks after surgery. I was lucky but some family members will need help someday. Remind them when they ask for help. Say this to them, "Remember when I had surgery and needed help, no thanks, I can't find the time." That will get them to think about what they have done to you, maybe. Some people are pitiful all the time. I have also have two grown nieces and a half sister, I had no help from them either. So do what you can and the Lord will help with the rest. Hang in there and it will alright.

Caroline
091301
Aortic valve replacement
St jude's valve

 

[Zazzy]

Joy... perhaps you need to call your family and gently remind them of your condition. Do not be confrontational.... but tell them how bad you feel... and that you could sure use some family support!!! They love you... they are just caught up in their own lives.

Here is a poem that needs repeating often... I found it after being diagnosed with leukemia, but it fits every disease I think.



Look to this day
For it is life
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence
The bliss of growth
The splendor of action
The glory of power

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today, well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

Sanskrit Proverb


Take care and cheer up!!!
Zazzy

 

[Rain]

Wonderful poem!

Wonderful poem!

Zazzy,

I love that poem!! Thank you for sharing it.

And I totally agree about Joy calling her family and telling them how she feels. I think they would respond to her with open arms and apologies.

Rain

 

[Lisa in Katy]

Sounds like you're surrounded by men, and men aren't typically the caregivers. Also, are you by any chance the middle child, or the one with the least needy personality? I am both.

My mother tells me that I am so self-sufficient that I really don't need her help as much as my older sister and younger brother. I'm not good at sitting around and letting other people wait on me. She spent 3 days with me after my first child was born, none after my second child, 4 days after my valve replacement, and none after my hysterectomy. Conversely, she spent 2 weeks with my sister after each of her children were born, and a week with my sister-in-law after each of her children were born. Granted, I don't call and ask for help like my sister and brother do because I can take care of myself and my family, but it would be nice if she would offer!

 

[bramma22002]

HOLY SMOKES!!!GOOD FOR ALL OF YOU WITH THE VENTING!!

HOLY SMOKES!!!GOOD FOR ALL OF YOU WITH THE VENTING!!

I am amazed with the openness in which all of you who have responded to this poor woman's plea for help.
Hear Hear!!/-- here is the place for getting sympathy & empathy which I will remember when I am down & need some friends who have been in the same 'boat'. I too have 'been there' with family after I gave my sister a kidney 9 years ago. It isn't easy to feel so alone during these times of need. All of my problems with my family have long since passed because as many of you have mentioned>get it out & get it over with!!! And, sometimes, unfortunately, when you 'get it out' you have to face who is really 'with' you & who isn't. I was fortunate-all stayed with me because we all looked at our selves in the mirror & faced our short comings & corrected them (still working on some). And, then sometimes, we have to face the facts>that person isn't good for me-& I need to go on without him/her.--it feels good to look in the mirror & say>you know what-I am a good person-I am thankful to be here-I have my ups & downs as life presents it to all of us-but, I am going to be ok & I am proud of me!!!

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF -
Very sincerely -Debbie

 

[joy]

Hi guys, I read all your replies, and it is nice to know I have friends around that care. Even though I haven't actually met any of you guys, but,maybe next year at the reunion. One thing I did notice is that alot of you can relate to my feelings. I have learned alot this year. I can't always depend on family members, well, except my mom, who, bless her heart has come out a lot this year. I know my brother's work schedule is busy, and I think I might just fly back. We are moving back to MN. In a way, I will miss this place, but I think we'll be better when we get all settled.

I know the money really doesn't make happiness. All I want is for the financial struggle to be over. I just want to be able to pay the bills. Living from paycheck to paycheck is getting very old. The main benefit is the health insurance. I know someday, I will be able to live the comfortable life, That's all I want. I nice little house, living in a small community, and a decent job that I work 40 hours a week. I appreciate your replies, and I am feeling better. I have a wonderful supportive husband, and a good mother. I am the baby of the family, and the only daughter.

I would never trade my second chance at life for the world. I know I came close to losing my life. To leaving my 3 year old without a mother, to losing my unborn child due to lack of oxygen, and leaving my husband a widow. For one thing, I know my mom couldn't handle losing me to rhuematic heart disease . She already lost her own mother to this disease. I just needed to vent because I was disappointed in my brother. But now that I look back, they have helped me a great deal. My mom's boyfriend came out and helped out. The same brother that I was complaining about came out in January with absolutely no notice and bought my son almost a whole new wardrobe. He also hepled my husband by watching my son while I was in the hospital in a coma so my husband could be with me and have his full attention on me. My dad paid for the phone cards, and was concerned for my life and my family. I have a very supportive family. I can look back on my year and I think, I can either feel sorry for myself, or I can look forward and be thankful for my second chance at life. My doctors, all of them, saved my life. They were all there for me, and I will forever be thankfukl to them. A year ago, I had to sleep sitting on my couch. Now I can sleep flat. I have my health back.

Anyways, thank you for your thoughtfullness and caring. I am doing fine. I have had a lot of time to think.

 

[Mb]

Dear Joy:
I loved your post. Sounds like you were just going through a bad time. And, thats really ok. Best wishes for a peaceful holiday.
Marybeth