Reality Check

[Jean]

Ok. Am I so old fashioned or hoity toity or what?

The family of my former student who just died is having the memorial ceremony in a local bar for him. No church or funeral home. I am used to going to a bar or restaurant or house gathering afterwards for the wake, but for the ceremony. It is just going to be people getting up and talking about him. He is being cremated and they will bury his remains with his real dad this summer somewhere in Minnesota.

I just feel bad for him, like he deserves more. Am I way out of line? Not that I will say anything in the community.

 

[Old clicker]

Maybe its what he wanted. I say to each his own.

 

[Wise]

Ok. Am I so old fashioned or hoity toity or what?

The family of my former student who just died is having the memorial ceremony in a local bar for him. No church or funeral home. I am used to going to a bar or restaurant or house gathering afterwards for the wake, but for the ceremony. It is just going to be people getting up and talking about him. He is being cremated and they will bury his remains with his real dad this summer somewhere in Minnesota.

I just feel bad for him, like he deserves more. Am I way out of line? Not that I will say anything in the community.

I'm old fashioned with you, I guess. You have the right to feel that way you do, as his former teacher and friend. Of course we often see others live their lives in a way we don't approve of, but don't let it stress you because in the end it isn't worth it. Not that you have to agree with it.

 

[Barry]

Is the family Irish?

It's not unheard of for Irish wakes to be held at a neighborhood bar that the deceased frequented.

 

[geebee]

I don't know about you being old fashioned or not but this is exactly the type of "service" I want after I die. I don't like funeral homes because they are depressing and I don't want people feeling depressed when they think of me (enough of that happens while I am still alive ).

I think "rememberances" should be happy and in a party atmosphere. But then, I am Irish.

Everyone has different ideas about services for the deceased but the important part is in the "celebration" of their lives and that can be done anywhere. As someone else said, maybe the family couldn't afford a traditional funeral - they are very expensive.

You should go and be vocal to make sure he gets the recognition he deserves.

 

[Les]

The best to him,his family and friends. Funerals are for the living, not the deceased. Do go and remember him.

 

[Nancy]

You may be surprised if you go to the remembrance "ceremony". I bet there will be some heartfelt feelings expressed. You also could remember him there with your own personal feelings. His family may not be doing things in the traditional way, but they are remembering him in their own way.

Go and honor him in your own way.

 

[Granbonny]

I have only gone to one Memorial Service for a dear friend named Bill, who lived in my community.Bill was always..the Life of the Party. Loved his Martini's..and love to laugh..So, I thought many people would stand up and remember him for that..the family (His kids that never came to visit him) decided that the Grandchildren (all under the age of 18) should tell about their Granddaddy. poor things, they tried to read and would cry.. I left depressed thinking this was not what Bill would have wanted. His wife went outside and smoked..Did not visit with the one's who had come..during coffee and cake. she even asked me a few months later..if I had come..I said, yes, don't you remember me talking to you outside the Church. she said, no..she was heavy medicated. Bonnie

 

[tobagotwo]

I'm with Old Clicker, Les, GeeBee, and Nancy. Go. Say your piece about him, if you feel it. It may indeed be what he requested, and you may be surprised at how well it may turn out.

It seems odd, but my family shared what had to be the most amazing time we ever had together - as we left my father's fresh grave.

Remembering is good,

 

[Wise]

Jean: I want to add that I would also encourage you to go. Although you, like I, may not be comfortable with it, you'll be glad you did. Didn't want to leave the impression that I thought you should avoid it. I'd definitely go, if it were me. I was just trying to affirm that you're okay in feeling how you do personally. Wishing you all the best.

Wise

 

[char2mar]

Jean:

My parents divorced when I was very little. My Father moved half way across the country so I never got to see him very often. He passed away suddenly 2 years ago of heart problems. His long time girlfriend arranged the funeral. I was shocked to find out that it was being held in the local Royal Canadian Legion (tavern for war vets). I traveled to Manitoba to pay my last respects. My brothers and sister and I felt weird going into that tavern to say our goodbyes. However, his girlfriend arranged a beautiful service for him right down to a lone bag piper playing amazing grace. I found it refreshing that people spontaneously got up and talked about my Father. I learned more about him in that bar then I ever knew about him while he was alive. So while I sat there amongst shuffle boards and pool tables I got to celebrate my Father's life and not lagment about his death. That service...believe it or not help me get over the loss of my Father a lot faster than I expected. So I guess I am saying is: Go to the service with an open mind....it may turn out to be an experience worth experiencing.

Char

 

[Jean]

Thanks guys. I am definitely going and will say my 2 cents for Mike and the brother I have in class now. Thanks.

 

[Barry]

Thanks guys. I am definitely going and will say my 2 cents for Mike and the brother I have in class now. Thanks.

A toast would definitely be in order.

 

[hensylee]

Jean - from what you told us a couple years ago, they may have the facility free. Blessings to you for going.

Bro and I went to a 'service' for one of his deceased friends, at her home, given by her daughter. People showed up in all sorts of casual dress, including shorts and tees, brought tons of beer, hard stuff, food, soft drinks. The daughter gave the eulogy and a couple others said some nice things. This lady went to bro's church; a couple of other ladies from the church also were there and we all sat together. Afterwards, we expressed our condolences, thanks and left - then they had a party. They were celebrating her life. I was glad to take my brother to her final celebration. Her spirit was among us. You will find the same, I think.

 

[Harpoon]

I'd suspect that was a wish expressed before death...


I've often said that I'd prefer not to have a big "funeral" service should I die (after my last visit to the hospital, I'm really beginning to think I'm invincible... )

My preference would be for something small and quiet. Family and close friends can do as they choose, as they see best fit, however I don't want anyone doting over me in death (they don't do it now anyways and if there's gonna be any doting, I want to be there to experience it!)

I don't have it finalized (or even started really) but I've been seriously considering making arrangements for my body to be given over to a local medical school for study of my congenital defects... I'm at least "somewhat" unique when it comes to heart defects and I'd like to know that as much information as possible can be learned from me and my experiences to help other "kids" down the line...

It's another issue the family doesn't care to discuss much along with DNR's and living wills.



I do have some "knowledge" of how body donation works and I know that generally, when one dies who's body is to be donated for medical science/teaching, there is generally a memorial service held within a few days of the death (as is customary for most religions) and then the body is turned over the to organization who is sponsoring the medical use as per pre-arranged agreement. When they are done, the body may either be returned to the family for internment, or creamated either by the family or by the medical organization....


I've also "been lead to believe" that these arrangments often include benefit packages which help defray the usual costs associated with a death, funeral arrangements, burial plots, other expenses are taken care of, at least in part, by the agency that is going to be given the body for study.

What I know is based on "second hand" knowledge, mostly anectdotes from people who've had direct involvement with such arrangements.

Last year a local political figure died rather unexpectedly and there was only a small memorial service at the time of his death. The reason, in part, was because his body went to a medical school before internment. I don't know any other details beyond that. I assume he had a private burial or something afterwards, he had a family, but I don't know any specifics or even if it happened.


By the way, on a side note, my grandfather is due to be interred this Saturday. He passed away from complications related to CHF, kidney failure, and a broken leg suffered last summer. They would have done the internment after his funeral, but the cemetary grounds were too frozen.

Sometimes there are delays or extenuating circumstances, usually that information is kept within the family.