L
LindaVA
Hi Ya'll
I realize that in writing this thread I'm going to sound awfully ungrateful for the physical aspect of recovery, and almost shoving it in everyone's face and so help me, that's not my point.
I'm 10 days post op from MV repair by heart port. My problem is that my body is totally surpassing my mind in terms of recovery and I don't know what to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I should be happy. I'm 38, already exercising 40 minutes a day, no naps, no pain meds, pretty much functioning 90%, oh, pity me, right, can you hear little violin's playing?
I just feel like I worked so hard to be the "model" that everyone expected of me, the athletic woman who would bounce back in no time and did, but what about HOW I FEEL INSIDE?
Its like I've already proven I can get up, take a shower, do laundry, function pretty much completely, and I dont want to say now the sympathy is over, but it is-- don't know if a day in bed would be tolerated by anyone at this point anymore.
Yesterday on my treadmill I had my head phones on and I was walking away having a good old time dancing all by myself (dangerous on a treadmill, I know!) and I just started bawling my eyes out. Don't know why. At once I felt so grateful for my body's functioning, and so sad, too. This wave of every emotion just hit me all at once.
I feel so strong on the outside, yet fragile inside. I'm so very changed and I can't put my finger on it. Don't know if I'm a better person, a more grateful person, but I feel like I had this brush with something so immense.
Its funny, b/c I am very religious and was so very religious before the operation, but now I don't find myself praying that much after-- is that part of the healing process- b/c I feel like maybe prayer is focusing me in on it too much? Maybe I just want to move past it too quickly. I don't think one can-- that moment I had on the treadmill was so real and so raw, so cathartic and needed. I'm just trying to figure out what needs to heal psychologically speaking.
It's like I never gave myself, before or after, the much needed "curl up into a ball cry,"and I feel now its seeping out in other ways..... Am I disappointed that the attention is gone, what is it? Or is it something I need to find in myself?
I don't feel like I have the right to have a psychological "need." God forbid, I didn't have cancer or even an iffy heart diagnosis. I had no complicating factors, and was almost guaranteed complete recovery. Because of my youth and physical condition, everyone just treated me like I was having a tooth pulled. Maybe I resent everyone (family, doctors, friends) for minimizing it?
There are many on this board who have suffered through a whole heck of a lot and have every right to need to heal mentally. I didn't go through a whole lot-- or did I?
Sorry for the rant.
Linda VA
---------------------
3/9 MV Repair by Heart Port, U Penn Presby
I realize that in writing this thread I'm going to sound awfully ungrateful for the physical aspect of recovery, and almost shoving it in everyone's face and so help me, that's not my point.
I'm 10 days post op from MV repair by heart port. My problem is that my body is totally surpassing my mind in terms of recovery and I don't know what to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I should be happy. I'm 38, already exercising 40 minutes a day, no naps, no pain meds, pretty much functioning 90%, oh, pity me, right, can you hear little violin's playing?
I just feel like I worked so hard to be the "model" that everyone expected of me, the athletic woman who would bounce back in no time and did, but what about HOW I FEEL INSIDE?
Its like I've already proven I can get up, take a shower, do laundry, function pretty much completely, and I dont want to say now the sympathy is over, but it is-- don't know if a day in bed would be tolerated by anyone at this point anymore.
Yesterday on my treadmill I had my head phones on and I was walking away having a good old time dancing all by myself (dangerous on a treadmill, I know!) and I just started bawling my eyes out. Don't know why. At once I felt so grateful for my body's functioning, and so sad, too. This wave of every emotion just hit me all at once.
I feel so strong on the outside, yet fragile inside. I'm so very changed and I can't put my finger on it. Don't know if I'm a better person, a more grateful person, but I feel like I had this brush with something so immense.
Its funny, b/c I am very religious and was so very religious before the operation, but now I don't find myself praying that much after-- is that part of the healing process- b/c I feel like maybe prayer is focusing me in on it too much? Maybe I just want to move past it too quickly. I don't think one can-- that moment I had on the treadmill was so real and so raw, so cathartic and needed. I'm just trying to figure out what needs to heal psychologically speaking.
It's like I never gave myself, before or after, the much needed "curl up into a ball cry,"and I feel now its seeping out in other ways..... Am I disappointed that the attention is gone, what is it? Or is it something I need to find in myself?
I don't feel like I have the right to have a psychological "need." God forbid, I didn't have cancer or even an iffy heart diagnosis. I had no complicating factors, and was almost guaranteed complete recovery. Because of my youth and physical condition, everyone just treated me like I was having a tooth pulled. Maybe I resent everyone (family, doctors, friends) for minimizing it?
There are many on this board who have suffered through a whole heck of a lot and have every right to need to heal mentally. I didn't go through a whole lot-- or did I?
Sorry for the rant.
Linda VA
---------------------
3/9 MV Repair by Heart Port, U Penn Presby