Hi Ton! (is it Ton or Toni??) I'm right where you are in the scheme of things, so I don't have the experience that may be needed to get you a good answer. My kids are all out of town and in collge. The oldest is 3000 miles away. My youngest, the daughter is 2000 miles away, and the middle is a 4 hour train ride away. He will be the one who can come if we need him sort of suddenly, or during a time when the others might not be able to get away.
We had a family talk, and I highly recommend that. Individually, they had each said that they "of course" would want to be home to sit with dad for the actual surgery. During the discussion, this generally highly vocal group sat completley silent. We explained how the timing of things might be difficult if we were to coordinate everyone's being home at a "good" time (in their individual college experience). We also stressed that often, since mine is elective surgery, things get postponed. Airline tickets and changes to those reservations are very expensive. Ideally, we wait until the oldest has had his finals in June, or the youngest can be home to help drive, etc. and of course that's what we'd do. BUT the important thing we stressed to them is that despite their wishes, they would have to be flexible because there are quite a few unknowns. They totally understood this. But still, they had a voice, a chance to air any concerns or misunderstandings.
I had balked about the notion of them seeing me in the hospital with all the tubes and stuff. They reminded me that they visited their grandfather after his triple by-pass surgery while he was still in ICU. At that time, they were exactly your boys' ages. They said it was no big deal, not frightening at all, since we had totally prepared them for the visit with descriptions of what things were. Their gramps is very, very precious to them, so this was not without emotion for them. But, he is not their mother. And they already knew that the prognosis was good. (in fact, here it is 8 years later and his heart is going strong......I do so wish his brain were!!)
I think you need to choose the best route for YOU. Then you and their father need to sit them down, tell them what is best for YOU and help them to understand, and then give them a chance to respond. Ask them to be helpful. Be honest that it is going to be a drag without you while you recover. Let them know that it is not something you can plan for perfectly because you've never been through anything like this and you really need them to be flexible. If you give them the proper expectations, don't be harsh, but don't sugar coat anything.....how can you go wrong? You'll be doing the best and most honest thing you can and they will grow up to repsect you for that.
All that being said, now that all this stuff is out on the table, so to speak, both my husband and my daughter have been strangely cranky towards me. Not all the time, but sometimes when I need them to be "hearing" me the most. I have some ancient psychological training and a teaching degree. I know that they practically worship me (we are all very close and share a wonderful love) and would never ever want to hurt my feelings, but here they do and don't even notice it
. I am not going to take it personally. I am going to set it into the landscape of the event, like a vase that I have to leave out on a table that "belongs" there for some reason, but I don't really like. People's feelings, especially those they are trying so hard to keep to themselves -- out of respect, or love -- often rise to the surface and show up in weird ways. I'm sure that's all it is. Without Kristi's comment about older kids, I might not even have mentioned that. I think it is amazing how one person's comments can lead to another -- the beauty of this forum.
This is tough on everyone.....you just need to help them understand that it will be.
Well, you didn't ask for a short answer!!!
And I'm glad you asked this. I hope others will share their experience.
Let us know how it goes!
Marguerite
