One phone call, the reality!

[rhino19]

I have been reading the threads for weeks now. The last 4 weeks have been doctors appts, IV antibiotics, research and more research. I am not the one going into surgery it is my husband but I feel as if I was. The last week seemed almost normal. Besides the pick line in his arm you would have never known anything was wrong. The weekend was great and we celebrated the holiday with 3 of our 4 kids (one is in bootcamp which leads to another problem) Anyway we were normal although surgery was in the back of our minds we didn't discuss it at all this past weekend. Until just now the phone rang and my heart dropped. They have him sheduled for the 28th waiting on confirmation from the hospital. The reality has sent in and like all the other threads I have read, this is real and at this moment I have had a big reality check! I thought I was ready but I at this moment dont feel ready. I have been trying to shelter the kids oldest 17 youngest 5. They know he is sick and has to have an operation but the extent of it they don't understand.

Which leads to another topic. My stepson is currently in bootcamp. This has all gone down so fast he was already gone when it started and we have avoided telling him. He has so much on his mind right now that this is the last thing he needs to hear is his dad going in for OHS. Now we are in a catch 22 tell him or not. Part of me thinks that trying to protect a child is always a parents first thought but he is 17 and may never forgive us is we don't tell him untill after he graduates which is after the surger. This decision is another hard one in a group of hard decisions already.

I know I am just venting but I feel like this is a lonely battle except for you guys who have been there or have supported someone who was, you know how it feels, not like the person sitting in the next desk. No one can truly understand the ups and downs and emotional turmoil until they have been there.

thanks for listening, I may not know you personally but you guys are a great group of friends

 

[Ross]

It hits you like a rock from the heavens doesn't it?

I'll recind my previous view. I would want to know, so I think he should be told.

 

[dick0236]

If your stepson is in boot camp he is no longer a boy and should be included in family issues as important as this. To downplay the seriousness to the younger kids is appropriate since they really can't understand,but he can.

I wasn't going to tell my parents or in-laws until after my surgery. My wife convinced me that it was very unfair not to include them. We did tell them and that was the correct decision.

 

[Karlynn]

I would agree with both Ross and Dick. But what I thought when reading your post was that you know him. Make the decision based on how you think he would react to being told or not being told. Try not to make the decision on not wanting to put additional stress on him. That is your desire. Try to figure out what you believe his wishes would be. At the very least - I would contact his superiors and let them know what is going on so if something comes up and your son needs to be reached right away it's not a surprise to them.

I do know there are some aspects of bootcamp that require more concentration than others. It might be good to contact his superior officer and just get his/her opinion.

 

[gadgetman]

Which leads to another topic. My stepson is currently in bootcamp. This has all gone down so fast he was already gone when it started and we have avoided telling him. He has so much on his mind right now that this is the last thing he needs to hear is his dad going in for OHS. Now we are in a catch 22 tell him or not. Part of me thinks that trying to protect a child is always a parents first thought but he is 17 and may never forgive us is we don't tell him untill after he graduates which is after the surger. This decision is another hard one in a group of hard decisions already.

Things are moving at light speed aren?t they?

First, I will offer my prayers and good thoughts for very successful surgery and uneventful recovery.

Now, this advice is coming from a retired military man. I would recommend telling your son right now. He needs and deserves to know what is going on. Being in military boot camp, he is no longer a boy, but quickly becoming a man. His military training is geared toward making him both able to make proper decisions and properly following thru with them. He has a host of people available to help him talk things out. These range from his comrades, his instructors, and on up to Chaplains and even medical assistance if needed.

I don?t know if you are able to contact him directly right now. If so, I would first reassure him that, although there are always risk involved, that the odds are so much in your husband?s favor for a successful outcome. If you can?t directly contact him (when I was in basic training long, long ago we were not allowed contact with the ?outside world? for a period of time) you can contact the local Red Cross for assistance. They will contact the organization directly and make sure he is told and kept informed of the progress. And trust me, NO ONE says NO to the Red Cross, no matter what their rank.

I again offer prayers and good thoughts to you and your family.

May God Bless,

Danny

 

[SHEEPDOG]

I Agree, Call The C.o.

I Agree, Call The C.o.

Just another of many opinions but I would say to call the C.O. and ask his opinion. That, along with what you know about his personality, should hepl you make a decision. This surgery is so "routine" any more, it almost seems like having your tonscils out. (a great overexageration, I know, but you get the idea) If the C.O. is in agreement, he may arrqange to have a Military Doctor speak with him to answer any questions. This may be a BIG help in limiting any undue fears.
again, just my opinion.

 

[ctyguy]

The easiest way to answer the "tell/not tell" question is to ask yourself how would you feel if this was your Dad and you weren't told ? What if something were to happen in the surgery or if there are complications ? Its just my opinion but I know that I would want to know what is going on. I was in the military and while boot camp is challenging, I'd still be furious if I found out after the fact. just my 2 cents.

 

[Nancy]

I think you should tell your stepson. Here's why. When I was much younger, my dad was going to the hospital for his 15th cancer surgery. He had colon cancer and they just kept carving away on his intestine. Well, anyway, he decided not to tell me because he didn't want to upset me, I had very small children at the time.

I heard it from a person I barely knew on the street when he asked how my father was. I asked what he was talking about and was stunned to hear about the surgery I knew nothing about, and the person was very embarassed because he didn't understand why I knew nothing about it.

I felt just awful and I could not understand why I was not enough a part of the family to know such an important thing. It took a long time to get over it. I had a stepmother too. And not to upset you, but I always wondered if she was the one who decided not to tell me and that was a big problem.

Your stepson may be upset, that's true. But you have to impress upon him that his dad is in very capable surgical hands, and this surgery has a long track record of helping people with these kinds of heart problems. You can also tell him about this site. He can check in here and talk about his feelings.

He's adult enough to go into the service, so he's adult enough to handle this.

 

[rhino19]

Good advice

Good advice

Thanks for the good advice. I have calls and emails in looking for info on his superior officers, that is a great idea.

Nancy, thanks for giving me another prospective. Although as a parent we try to protect them we actually may be hurting them in the long run and I can understand how a child may feel as you did.

I will let you guys know how it pans out. thanks again

 

[Nancy]

I also wanted to speak with you about the upcoming surgery. I didn't have time before when I posted.

I saw Joe through many, many surgeries and other very serious medical things. It is the most gut-wrenching thing to go through, seeing a loved one in distress and knowing that they will be having this delicate and monumental surgery. And also knowing that they will have a long recovery and that you will be an integral part of it all.

You wonder if you have the strength, physically and emotionally.

Somehow, you will muster whatever strength you need. You have to be strong for your husband right now, he will need your help like never before.

In your mind, you sort of have to skip over the surgery part. That is all in the surgeon's hands anyway, and your husband will get expert care. But you have to look to the future when your husband will start to feel better and his heart will be fixed up, and he won't be in such distress anymore.

That was the only thing that kept me going.

You will have to be an actress right now and a cheerleader for your husband, whether you feel like it or not.

You are a team and he will feel so much better knowing that you "have his back" and will be there for him at every step along the way.

Best wishes.

 

[gadgetman]

Nancy is our resident expert when it comes to getting thru so much with a loved one. I have always said this experience is so much harder for our loved ones that have to stand on the outside looking in while all this is going on. As Bubba would put it "Shucks, ah git t'sleep thru th' wo'se part".

Our loved ones have to sit back on the sidelines, sometimes unable to help other than to provide comfort and encouragement. You must put up with all our mood swings, our whines, the "why me's" and be there at all times, with a smile on your face even when all you want to do is cry. We, as patients, will forget to say "Thank You" and probably even say "Just leave me alone" more than once.

So, may God provide you strength and courage to face these coming days and take comfort in the fact that all this will pass.

May God Bless,

Danny

 

[Phyllis]

I will put your husband on the calendar for the 28th and I send my very best wishes for a successful surgery and uneventful recovery. You have the hardest role to play right now, but you will be amazed at how much strength you will muster. Keep smiling, and you both will come through this just fine. I agree with all here that you should tell your step-son. We tend to try and protect our children, but they would all rather be informed.

 

[Freddie]

Oh Yes, please tell your stepson. I completely understand why a parent would want to protect a child's feelings, but they need to feel as they are part of the family.

When my mother was diagnosed with bone cancer, both my mom and my dad kept that information from all 4 children for at least 3 months. When we finally found out the truth we were all upset (and saddened) that we weren't there to support dad with his needs and it was pretty much too late to be there for mom as she was in a coma state when dad broke the news to us.

Bootcamp or not, your stepson is still part of the family and should be included with the news of the up coming surgery. As for your 5 year old, they should be told too........gently but the truth. My niece had to tell her 9yr old and her 5 year old that their dad has Leukemia, and did explain to them the truth of the blood disorder and that their dad may die without treatment.

A 5 year old will absorb what they want, but I think they should know.....to a degree.

 

[Guest]

I checked with my husband who is active duty, the Red Cross can notify the military command but they cannot say "Send him home". The Red Cross will need his name, rank, social security number, unit name, unit address.

If he is sent home for the surgery, he would be 're-cycled', meaning start boot camp all over again, which could be a disadvantage to the soldier. His commanders should allow him to call home every night to check on his father.

We vote for telling your son, as others have said, there are chaplains available, plus his chain of command if he needs to talk to anyone. I hope this information helps.

 

[Lynlw]

I'm a little late, but have to say I agree with Nancy, to tell your son. I live 4 hours from my parents and my Mom had emergency surgery for an abdominal aortic anuerysim and bi fem pop bypasses, and decided not to tell me because they did not want to worry me. I called home a couple days and no one was home which was very odd, so started to get worried I actually ended up calling my cousin who works in a big hospital and partly joking said Mom or Dad aren't in your hospital is she? Well the stutterring as she was trying to figure out what to say let me, know someone was. So I had her tell me parents to call me, and was pleasent because I knew my Dad was terrified and was just doing what Mom told him, but I was very hurt and angry. When I went up to help after she came home, when things settled down, I told her. A couple years later she had heart surgery and called me to let me know and said I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't want you to worry but I remember you were mad last time.
I'll keep you all in my prayers, Lyn

 

[gijanet]

Although it has been quite a while now.........

Although it has been quite a while now.........

having been through boot camp myself, I would want to know. I know you want to protect your son from additional worry as boot camp is a lot to deal with, but I know he would still want to know. Which branch of the service did your son join? Sometimes wading through the military red tape can be difficult to contend with, especially with all the balls you have been juggling.

If he joined the National Guard or a local army reserve unit, contact the unit directly and recruit their help. They will know the quickest way to get through to the people you need to get through to. If he joined one of the regular branches, active army, marine corps, etc., then contact his recruiter. Again, he or she would know the quickest way to cut through the tape. You can also contact the Red Cross, but my personal experience with them is that they are sometimes slow to respond; course that could have changed in the last few years. If all else fails, you can tell your son directly when he calls home, but then he will have to contend with approaching his drill sergeant and company commander. Contrary to popular belief, though, they (most of them anyway) do have hearts and would be sympathetic to the situation. As far as contacting his commander and asking his opinion, well, after only knowing your son for a few weeks at best, he is not going to know his face, much less anything about him. I think I saw our company commander in boot camp maybe twice a week, and that was in formation. He couldn't of picked me out in a crowd if he had to.

If he does leave for more than a day or two, he might have to be recycled through basic. It would simply depend on what he missed. I know that missing one or two days in the lowcrawling pit wouldn't have hurt me one iota! ANd we had troops go on sick call and miss a couple of days who weren't recycled. Again, just depends on what is scheduled for those days. But that should be your son's decision. He can talk it through with his first sergeant or platoon leader and figure out what is best for him.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Hugs. Janet

 

[Freddie]

rhino19,
how are you doing?

 

[rhino19]

Freddie thanks for the concern. We have decided to tell him so for the last couple of days I have been making phone calls etc. to get a contact number for his "Company", which I finally did yesterday afternoon. They told me to call the number ask for the Commanding Officer or Drill Sargent explain the situation and work out a way with them to tell him

In the meantime I have been dealing with Dr.'s appts, schedules, hospital pre reg. and work and kids. I guess sometimes you feel like a jack of all trades, lately mostly my husbands secretary but I guess that has its benefits! lol

I will be sure to let you know what happens when we get in touch with the commander, I think right now I am worried about this more than anything.

Thanks again, you guys are great!

 

[Freddie]

Don't you worry. It will turn out fine. The look on your face when you tell your step-son will show your love and respect you have for him.

Take Care

 

[rhino19]

Update to saga!!!!!!!!!

Update to saga!!!!!!!!!

Well we took a lot of advice from you guys and others and finally after lots of red tape and phone calls, were able to reach his commanding officer. We explained the situation and he is going to talk to my stepson today. Then this evening he is going to alot him extra phone priveledges to call his father. Right now I have my fingers crossed that this goes well. This will be a big weight off of both of our sholders.

Will keep you updated, cross your fingers too!