Need a little encouragement. ..

[MelissaM]

This entire healing process continues to amaze me! Here at 10 weeks out I find myself in between feeling really great and still feeling physically restricted. I am ready to put all of this behind me and go charging on into my life, but . . .it is not quite there. I want everything to return to normal SOOO badly.

This kind of reminds me of pre-surgery when everything seemed really good to people on the outside, but everything is not quite right on the inside. Now, post-surgey, I am mostly recovered. . . except for the moments when I am not.

Today a friend was encourging me to get out, spend more time socializing, etc., etc. The fact is, I am perfectly content to stay at home and crochet, and walk and read right now. There seems to be a lot of pressure for me to be better, some of it is pressure I put on myself, some of it is from people wanting me to be better. How do I explain this stage to others? This wierd place where I look fine and AM fine (for the most part), except that I am still totally processing the past year and trying to recover from a stunning set of transitions. My heart is healed. . .but not totally healed.

Any thoughts?

Melissa

 

[Nancy]

Hi Melissa-

It seems weird to say, but 10 weeks is still relatively new for heart surgery. Your body will continue to heal for about a year, slowly. The initial healing goes fairly quickly, and then the rest is much slower. It's all the little subtle things now that have to come into focus. The big stuff has healed.

You must never forget that you have been through something very profound. It isn't anything a lot your friends can share with you except on a superficial plane. You cannot even explain it adequately to them because they won't understand. Many people find that they are permanently changed, and not in a bad way. Maybe kinder, gentler, maybe more quiet, not so edgy.
This may be seen by some as you being depressed, but if you are content with the way you are and are not terribly sad or empty feeling, then it probably isn't depression. If the change is something that is troublesome, then speak with your doctor about it. Anti-depressants are used by a large number of heart surgery patients. I can't remember if you are taking them or not. But if one doesn't work, there are others that would.

My guess is that you are getting to know the NEW you. Your body feels different, your experience will forever change you. Your views on many things have probably changed. You may be much more serious about many things. If this is what it is, there's nothing wrong with it. It takes time to know this different side of you.

Give yourself some time to sort out what is really going on and if you have someone with whom you are particularly close, why not try sharing some of your feelings. It helps if there is at least one person who can relate.

And what's wrong with crocheting. I love it. Taught myself when I was a little girl. I like the intricacy of it, and working with my hands.

 

[tommy]

Melissa,

Those feelings are normal and you articulate them better than I ever could.

I recall confidence coming back slowly. I resisted activites that would place on-going obligations on me. It seemed selfish, but I kept telling myself that this project (my recovery) had only one opportunity to do it right. Everything else was lower priority and could wait.

There's no need to be a hermit. Certainly getting out to walk is important. Has your doctor prescibed a cardiac rehab program? I highly recommend it.

A simple explanation to others" I'm just not ready for that yet" should suffice. There's no need to rush. I remember going places and being clingy with my wife. I didn't want to get bumped in a crowd. I also wanted the right to say "Let's go home now" at any time.

It's been three years and I still do a bit of processing now and then. Thanks for sharing.

 

[medtronic of borg]

ready or not

ready or not

Let me tell you a little story...I was feeling the same way. One day I went down stares and found two inches of sewage had backed up from my tank on the floor. I went back up and put on my rubbers, taking along a plunger for the main drain. I plunged myselfself right back into the hospital.

The moral of the story is don't plung till your ready.

Med

 

[MelissaM]

Thanks to all of you. As Medtronic advises, I won't "take the plunge" until I am good and ready.

Nancy, as always, your words are wise and right on target.

and Tom, thanks for the validation. It is always so good to vent here and realize that we are not alone.

God bless. . .

 

[Ross]

I plead the 5th on this one.

 

[Les]

Melissa,
Everyone has said it so well in their posts. You'll know when you're there. I can't say it'll be an instantaneous realization....more than likely one day you'll just say "Hey, welcome back Melissa!" It's been eight years since my second AVR and the mental aspect hits me now and then and certainly there is some physical "meandering"....but I'm here, and you're coming along nicely!

 

[Kevin M]

I had this exact same frustration. It does take a long time. Those good days really make you feel the "not-so-good" days. Some days, you feel almost perfectly healthy and normal and the next, you're tired and can't understand why.

It took me a long time this go around to get through that. Probably seven months. I'm sure yours will be faster because it sounded like you bounced back really quickly Melissa.

Do what you want to do. Forget about what others suggest. They don't get it. As long as you are exercising, that's what is important.
Kev

 

[JimL]

You have every right to sit around and crochet and take naps and walk. Please take our word for it, and don't let healthy friends push you to do more than you are ready for. I thoroughly enjoyed taking it easy for quite some time after surgery.

Those who have not gone through the surgery mostly cannot understand how a person feels. I never did find a way to explain to anyone how fragile I felt after surgery (don't bump me), how unconfident, how I wanted the ability, if I did go out, to go home immediately. It is perfectly alright to recover at your own pace.

 

[hensylee]

Melissa - you might not get a chance to crochet, read and walk again til you are older and retired, so enjoy it while you can. Let the world continue on and you can join when you really want to. Ann

 

[catwoman]

Melissa:

I understand exactly how you feel.
I used to ask friends, "When am I going to be normal again?" Their answer? "I never knew you to ever be normal!"

I gradually stopped asking that about 4 weeks ago. I'm 4.5MO post-op and feel great most of the time. I've been out of town every weekend since Sept. 12-13. I am home (!!!) this weekend and on vacation next week.

The first couple of weeks after surgery I thought it would be soooo nice to retire (not an option, I'm too young) and not do anything for the rest of my life, just take it easy. But gradually the pieces of my life came back together.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Melissa wrote:

" I am ready to put all of this behind me and go charging on into my life, but . . .it is not quite there. I want everything to return to normal SOOO badly. "

Sounds familiar to me. You've reached the DANGER ZONE.

That's when we (especially we guys) want to start pushing things to the limit to see where that limit is, when the athletic types want to start lifting weights or playing ball (any / all kinds), and when WE HURT OURSELVES because we aren't as healed as we would like to be. As much as you (we) HATE to do it, it is time to 'throttle back' the race horse inside that SOOO wants to get out and run.

Good days and not-so-good days are COMMON during recovery and can continue for MONTHS. Eventually, as someone before said, you will look back and realize you have finally recovered, but it does take time, more than we like, but for the most part, we get there. Brace yourself, this can take a year or more, at least for us 'older' types, or those of us who have been down this road more than once.

HOLD YOUR HORSES !

'AL'

 

[bibliophile]

I remember very well being in that same place. I was actually back at work on a limited basis and expecting myself to do more. I was trying to "be" OK because everyone said how well I looked, etc. I probably made things considerably harder with this attitude. Do what feel right, as everyone else has said.

 

[MelissaM]

A funny thing happened tonight at the Winton Marsalis concert - I ran into the ER doc that admitted me for my bacterial endocarditis a year ago. He recognized my face, needed help with my name, but seemed to know the details of what happened since our first encounter. He knew about the Cleveland Clinic and shared how disappointed the local heart surgeon was he didn't get to work on me. Wonder what that means??

I found it to be strangely surreal, running into him at a social event after having posted this post. Like somehow the universe was coming full circle for me. There I was, at a social event, getting out 10-weeks post-op and feeling pretty good. Guess I am doing okay, after all. He "oooh'd" and "ahh'd" appropriately at my scar, and promised to tell my PCP he'd run into me. (Boulder is really a small town, after all ). Memories of the past year came rushing back - of course - and added to the pile of things to process.

Thanks for all of your comments and support. Once again, you've helped me move from feeling a little wack-o to feeling like just another heart patient.

Hmmm. . .I just noticed the word 'patient' is in heart patient. . . . . .looks like I'll just have to wait this recovery period out.

p.s. The hat I am crocheting is coming along nicely!

 

[ticktock]

Melissa
I remember this feeling well, and sometimes pushed it, and sometimes didn't. (surgery x 4) Trust me and don't!! I wish I had taken my time to enjoy the recovery period (if thats possible). Do exactly what you feel up to doing and no more. You have such a wonderful attitude about it all, you are gonna be just fine!!

 

[Birky]

Melissa

Melissa

You are not alone. I still have my days like this after 8 mos. I agree that no one knows how you feel until they have been through it. Everyone expects you to be 100% at this point but this is not always true. I had a second surgery on 09/18 to take out 3 wires and this really took me for a loop. The soreness is finally starting to go away but something is not just right as of yet. I wallpapered and painted a bathroom and thorougly tired myself out. Did feel good that I accomplished something for a change. My biggest thing is wanting to get stuff done that I avoided for years because of the valve. I have to make myself slow down because most of this will wait. It does get better but there are days that I hate this mechanical valve and what has been done to me. But the alternative is worse.

 

[Georgia]

Join the crowd

Join the crowd

I think at your age people expect a quick recovery. And that's not always going to happen for this particular surgery. Regardless of the type of incision, the healing that's important is internal. Certainly there was less pain and external healing for you, but we've all said to others on this site awaiting surgery and being concerned about the size of the scar, "the incision isn't the point . . ."

Now, I'm 9 months out and feel good. But I'm NOT where I was before I began going downhill (wherever that was - it was years ago!). I still have to recharge most of a weekend in order to be productive at my job. Gina says that her big change came at 11 months out. Mostly people say it takes a year.

I think you're being pragmatic not to commit to various things at this time. Only you know how much you can do. There's no point disappointing folks when you can't finish a job.

You don't owe ANYONE an apology for not being totally healed. Your heart is not a bone in the leg or an appendix. The poor thing has to work hard the whole time it's healing.

Be good. This recovery thing is very up and down.

 

[ShezaGirlie]

Say 'Cheeeeeeeeze'

Say 'Cheeeeeeeeze'

Oh Melissa -- we all have those days -- some often, some seldom.

Right after my surgery people would always say, "Gosh, Janie -- you look so good." Kinda like they didn't believe I even had surgery. They just didn't get it......as has been said many times here before.

You're getting in touch with the 'new' you and that's a good thing. Most likely your priorities will change -- mine sure did. I sorta realized this ain't no dress rehearsal here..

I loved JimL's 'Rejuvenation' thread and the responses -- kinda said it all.

So when you want to 'whine and cheeze' -- just let 'er rip...!

Oh, almost forgot.. Don't know if you 'know' John and Joann who are longtime members here, but John's advice was to 'rest when you're tired.' So simple and so important!

 

[Kathy]

Melissa,

I had my surgery shortly before you did. I looked at my calendar and determined exactly what I was doing 10 weeks after discharge. I was comfortable with one or two SHORT daily outings at that time. On that Saturday, I had taken my daughter over to the barn where she rides and was in a show. Since she wouldn't be riding for a while I picked up a few groceries, took them home and went back to see the show. I watched for about a half hour and went to the car to sit and read. I watched again then went out to the car. I was reading and fell asleep. I sure hoped that my mouth wasn't hanging open with drool running from it.

People have worried about my state of mind since surgery. (I keep telling myself it is only because they care!) My husband wanted me to go to the zoo in a wheelchair about 3 weeks after surgery. I explained that the last thing I needed was to be bouncing around in a chair with 2 incisions on my chest. People kept asking me if I wanted to go places. I told them that after what I had been through I was delighted to be able to do my own grocery shopping again and that was enough.

It seems as if everyone has felt the need to ask when I am going back to work. I tell them I would like to go back today, but I am not ready and I can't predict when I will be. I could rush back to work and ignore my own daughter's needs. I'm glad I can take of the house now and get her to the places that she needs to be.

I think we live in one crazy society. Everyone feels that the key to happiness is to be BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. I believe my daughter and her 13 year old peers have far too many scheduled activities. I have lived as a frenzied working mom for years. There is nothing wrong with my sitting home and reading for a while!

 

[ccrawford]

Hey Evil sister - It was a dreary rainy day today in Indiana. I woke up with hopes to continue combining some corn, but instead spent the morning doing routine maintenance on the combine to make sure it would run well when I needed it. After lunch I decided to work on a furniture project for my daughter in my workshop. The girls (My bird dogs) and I retired to the workshop, built a good fire in the wood burner and began. Somehow I had trouble maintaining the drive and the concentration. About two o'clock I gave up and went to the house for a nap in the recliner. With soft music playing and the sound of rain dripping on the roof, who could resist. What's my point ? I guess I'm saying you may not return to where you were, but be thankful to return at all. Its a little frustrating for a type A person to not crank out those projects like clockwork, but, on the other hand, it wasn't a bad day and there is always tomorrow. Hope this helps a little. Chris