My spouse is having a tough time dealing

[athul]

Hi gang,

My wife is having a tough time dealing with all of this upcoming (12/5) OHS stuff. Some days she's OK and some days it gets the best of her.
I have no experience myself and therefore am not always alot of comfort.
Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom that might help her get thru this pre-surgery time?
Thanks

 

[geebee]

The one thing my SO said was the best thing for him was simply staying busy. He shopped for supplies, worked on setting up a "recovery area" for me, etc. We also spent a lot of time talking after we agreed that we would talk about whatever was bothering us. We discussed my not making it through surgery, what to do if there were disability problems after, etc. We had been very quiet about our fears up until the last few weeks when we realized it was creating a barrier. Opening up was wonderful for us both and I went off to surgery knowing that everything had been covered.

That being said, it is easier to be the patient. We are often too ill to care before surgery and we get to sleep through all the tough part. Although we have to deal with the pain of recovery, it only confirms that WE MADE IT!!!

Take care and give my best to your wife. You will both get through and Dec. 6th will be here before you know it.

 

[terryj]

My husband and I had been married for nearly 34 years when he had his surgery and we are a very close couple. I was so scared and he was so strong. I tried to keep my feelings from him until the last week and then I broke down and we also talked about what would happen if he didn't make it and if he were disabled from the surgery. I think getting your feelings out in the open is the best way of dealing with the surgery. We celebrated our 38th anniversary in Tunica,Ms. last week and things are even better than before surgery. He is 56 and we stayed up until about 3 A.M. gambling every night and were up at 8:30 ready for shopping and sight seeing every morning.

 

[geebee]

My husband and I had been married for nearly 34 years when he had his surgery and we are a very close couple. I was so scared and he was so strong. I tried to keep my feelings from him until the last week and then I broke down and we also talked about what would happen if he didn't make it and if he were disabled from the surgery. I think getting your feelings out in the open is the best way of dealing with the surgery. We celebrated our 38th anniversary in Tunica,Ms. last week and things are even better than before surgery. He is 56 and we stayed up until about 3 A.M. gambling every night and were up at 8:30 ready for shopping and sight seeing every morning.

Oh my gosh - and then you had to wait through surgery on 9/11. What a trying day you must have had. Glad all is going well and congrats on 38 years.

 

[terryj]

Thank you GIna. Yes.we saw the attacks happen on the waiting room T.V. while my husband was in surgery. When he came to in the ICU and the television was showing the WTC he asked what movie was on. At one point they said they were evacuating the hospital because they thought the big bank next to Emory was going to be attacked also. Luckily that did not happen.

 

[Nancy]

I've seen my husband through 4 thoracic surgeries, two valve surgeries, and two lung surgeries, all about the same as far as risk and recovery. He had one other valve surgery before we were married.

The only way I was able to get through those surgeries was to have confidence in the surgeon, learn as much as I could about his medical problems and the surgery itself. It was very difficult to read at first, but I forged ahead with my "education" online until I was as comfortable as possible with what was going to happen. I learned how he was going to act and look first thing out of surgery, how he would very slowly recover, and what I would be seeing. I learned that he would be weak and not himself for a while, and could not drive or lift heavy things. I learned that he would be on an emotional rollercoaster from the meds and anesthesia, and that would last for a while and that I would have to ignore the emotionality. I learned that he wouldn't be sleeping well at night, and probably would want to sleep sitting up or in a recliner. I learned that he would not be eating well at all. I learned that he would be having appointments to check his progress, and that I would be with him for these. I learned that he would need close care for the first two weeks 24/7. I learned that I would have to get rest when I could during this time. I learned that I would not want to be away from him for any time at all during the first two weeks. I learned that this surgery is like no other, and that it is NOT like an appendectomy. I learned that the initial healing would take 6-8 weeks, and then there would be gradual healing that would take a year or longer.

And I learned that this was all to be expected and most others go through the exact same thing. That gave me comfort.

Then I sailed over the actual event in my mind into the near future when I would be doing what I could to help Joe, and make his recovery as easy as I could at home. That kept me very busy physically and emotionally.

The secret to it all is to educate yourself, both of you. Do not go into this without knowledge. It will help you tremendously, to get over the rough spots, if you know what to expect.

The mortality rate is very low, considering the seriousness of the operation, and that is because the surgeons who do this are in and out of hearts a couple of times per day in most cases. They and their teams really know their stuff and know how to handle any issues that could come up.

You will be in very good hands and will have the best of care the hospital can give.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

MANY have noted that facing surgery is often harder on the Spouse than the Patient. Often, we patients are ready to 'get fixed' and willing to do 'whatever it takes' to get there. AND, as has already been said, WE (patients) get to sleep through it all!

Has your wife been reading the posts with you?

If not, I highly recommend that she look through the Significant Other Forum, Pre-Surgery Forum, and Post Surgery Forum to see how others coped and prepared for their 'climb over the mountain'. Almost everyone agrees, the WAITING is the hardest part and the reality isn't nearly as bad as imagined beforehand. Just knowing that helps bring a 'peaceful acceptance' to many patients and their spouses.

Your wife is also welcome to VR.com. She can post her fears and concerns under her own screen name or yours and I'm sure there are many spouses who will share their experiences with her.

Just remember, the survival rate for first time surgeries for patients under age 60 is 98%. That's a WHOLE LOT BETTER than the survival rate for those who do NOTHING.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Cris N]

I can only imagine how hard it is on a spouse, S.O., or family member. My timeline from first dr visit to surgery was extremely short so I didn't really have time to get too anxious about it, but I know my husband went through a few rough days. He accompanied me to the appt. with my surgeon and turned completely pale when the dr described the surgery. I had done a little bit of research so I sort of knew what was coming but he was in the dark. Really shook him up but he got through it. Definitely harder on him than it was on me.

Even the recovery was hard on him... he had to do the cooking, the laundry, the dishes, the driving, and then put up with me in a bout of post-surgery depression. But we both got through it and are better people for it. I agree with Al Capshaw that your wife should join you in your visits here - or become a member herself. There are quite a number of S.O.s who post here and will be happy to share their own experiences. And, when you are in the hospital recovering from your surgery she can let us know how you're doing - and she'll already be familiar with some of the folks.

Tell her not to be shy about asking questions, expressing concern, or sharing joy.

I'll keep both of you in my prayers and hope that you'll both be able to go into this with a sense of peace.

Cris

 

[Gemma]

I did pretty much the same as Nancy in the run up to my boyfriend Jim's AVR surgery - I guess I was trying to find out everything I could about the surgery and associated stuff so I felt more in control of an uncontrollable situation. I'm not good at not knowing what's going on!

At times I was terrified, other times I found myself having to explain to friends what was going on, and other times Jim and I just spent time by ourselves talking about what it would be like or just cuddling and watching a movie together.

I was so lucky I found VR.com a couple of months before Jim's surgery. I think the people here probably helped me learn more than I ever needed to know about OHS, which meant I was able to cope with whatever came up on Jim's journey "over the mountain". They provided much needed support when I was waiting for news from the hospital on the day of Jim's surgery, and sent lots of lovely congratulations messages when I told them he was OK.

If your wife feels she wants to post here, I'm certain we'll all extend her the same warm welcome as I myself received 2 years ago. Or if she doesn't feel ready to be so public, maybe she would prefer to PM or email some of the S.O.s here, either using your username or her own. Either way, let her know she isn't alone and everything she's feeling is normal. And as Nancy said, looking forward to seeing you in ICU after your surgery is much easier to handle than worrying about the surgery.

All the best

Gemma.

 

[Lotti]

Waiting

Waiting

I feel for you both. Waiting is very difficult.
I have about six weeks wait left, and was starting to stagnate through fear of aortic dissection. My poor hubby was also afraid to say anything to me in fear of actually talking about any of the "what if's". We were worried about everything. in the end I rang up my care team for reassurance and they were fantastic. I went off for a girly jolly in a nice hotel with my little sister and this really did take my mind off things. Also hubby and I actually talked and it was great. We both spoke of all our fears and hopes and have become even closer. I no longer feel he wasn't worried about the whole thing.
I too have good days and bad. (I've only thrown one dish on the floor!!!)
I wish you all the very best and remember that soon you will be looking forward to the things that you can do again.

 

[Natanni]

Athul

My husband had his aoritc valve replaced on Sept 29th. I would encourage your wife to come here! I came here first with my husband's diagnosis of endocarditis in July (as he sat in a hospital room at the Mayo wondering if his valve was going to be replaced under immediate circumstances), and these people walked both of us through his surgery and recovery. I work in surgery every day, have worked as a nurse since 1991, but nothing could prepare us for what we were about to go through, except the people and spouses who have been there.

These people are here for every question and concern, all time time

As far as things that we did prior to surgery....that is hard. We took more time with the little things, and valued everything. We left for Nathan's surgery 3 days early as he had alot of pre op testing and doc appts....and these were some of the most special days of our now 14+ yrs of marriage.


Good luck to your upcoming surgery....and keep us posted!

 

[Christian]

I second (or third, or fourth) the suggestion that you invite your S.O. to join us here. I'm not generally the type to seek help or admit that I need it, but I both sought and accepted it here, and it made a big difference.

Fear of the unknown was about half of the battle for me during the months before my wife's surgery, and this website helped me turn a lot of that "unknown" into "known." Sure, I never knew how the surgery would turn out. But I knew just about everything else that would and could happen and was able to prepare for all of it. It also helped a lot to know that there were people out there -- even some young ones like us -- who know exactly what we were going through. Yes, things were still tough, but not as tough as they would have been had this forum not existed.

 

[Curtsmum]

Some days i get myself in a really bad state, waiting to find out my son's surgery date, it helped alot finding this forum. We have 6 days left for his check up and i'm pretty calm at the moment, come thursday night i know i will be a total wreck and wont be able to sleep but at least i will be able to come on here, so like others have said tell your wife to join up, it will help knowing she is not alone

 

[hensylee]

I am with Christian - he came in early when Jill was pregnant, walked us right through all those months - now she has had the baby months ago, and recently, had her heart surgery. She eventually joined us, as well. BOTH of them knew what to expect - well, at least as much as the members could inform them about. And look at them now! All done and on with their lives.

Respectfully request that your Mrs. come on in. We'd love to meet her. She could learn so much from this board.

 

[baldstuart]

We found that the more we talked about it the better we felt ( I more than he ). We are closer now since Baldstuarts July surgery then we ever have been in the 12 years we have been married. I (the wife) found comfort in the information and support that VR.com offers.Tell your wife she is not alone don't keep it all inside. Do your homework and know that knowledge makes what lies ahead not sooo scary. Best Wishes for an uneventful surgery

 

[momshell7]

I agree with the otheres

I agree with the otheres

I was so terrified when I first found out that my husbands valve was leaking. I knew that he had been born with a heart problem, had the problem "fixed" when he was 16 and that was about it. He was under the impression that the surgery he had at 16 fixed the problem and he was good as new without having to have anything done to it again. I guess when your 16 they don't always tell you everything. Anyhow when he came home and told me he had a leaking valve I think MY heart stopped. I only became more terrified trying to look things up on the internet. I guess it was because I didnt' really know what I was looking for. It wasn't until we discovered this site that I started to feel better. The people on here are wonderful. No question is too little or stupid to ask. There is always someone who has had the same question or experience.

Another suggestion for your wife it to talk to her doctor about sometime for the anxiety. I got some "happy pills" to help me. But I got more help from this form.

Best of luck

Michelle