My relationship with my husband

[Barbara Stewart]

This past year has been hell for me and my family due to my MVP surgery. Now I have to go through it again since the first valve did not take. I'm pretty sure this is affecting my husband big time, but he won't talk to me about it. He's drinking a lot more and that puts a huge distance between us since my mother was an alcoholic. Anyone else have this experience and any suggestions how to handle this?
Thanks
Barbara

 

[geebee]

It has always been our contention that it is much easier to be the patient than the loved ones looking on. I am sure you know your husband is scared of losing you. He has had emotional wounds reopened that he thought were healed. I am sure, just as it is for you, he thought this was behind him and it is a rude awakening indeed to find out things are repeating.

You may simply need to sit him down and tell him that you are scared too and you both need to be each other's support. Maybe you will need to shout it a little but make sure he hears you and talks about what is going on.

If you think there is a chance he will, you might want to suggest his reading through some of the posts here. I think Christian and Momshell may all be good members to look at. They have all had to go through surgeries with their spouses in the past year or so. You both might find some comfort with them.

Please let us know what we can do to help and I pray that this part gets easier so you can focus on the physical part and recovery.

Take care.

 

[hensylee]

we had another member some time ago who went through a similarsituation (marital problems because of the surgery) and perhaps she might see this and pm you.

His drinking is also a problem - for you! And you could say that to him, but it probably wouldn't do any good. You have been through this already with your mother and know how that part is. Have you thought about going to Al-anon? That may help both of you.

I am so sorry to hear this - as Gina said, this is extremely hard on everyone in the family, esp the spouse. We are here to talk when you want to. 24/7

 

[Nancy]

I am so sorry first that you have to go through this again, unexpectedly. And I am also very concerned that there might not be the kind of support you need when this happens again.

Do you have other family members that you can rely on to help you through the pre-surgery and post surgery phase?

I cannot address whether your husband is able to offer the kind of support that you need. He sounds as if he is needy on an emotional level.

I am much more concerned about you and making sure that you get through this with the help that you need.

Do you have children?

I would discuss these issues with your cardiologist and even the surgeon. Perhaps there would be help from Visiting Nurses or other in-home care support for you.

 

[blessed1416]

Personality changes????

Personality changes????

Hi Barbara, so sorry to hear of your re-surgery. Once is enough!! I understand the changes that we go through as well as those who are close to us experience as a result of our surgeries. My MV was repaired 3 years ago, and like you said, it has been a 3 year hell. My husband also began drinking more. He said it was because of pressures at work, but I realize that he is more pressured at work to make things better for us financially so that I can "afford" once again to be fixed. And I feel so badly for putting my family thgough all of this. I retired early, so that has also been an additional burden. I just want to live!! But I certainly dont want to be a financial or emotional burden on anyone. My sister told me recently that also during the last 3 years I have undergone a personality change. I'm not as easy going and not as likely to put things off like I once did. I think I do this because I now realize that tomorrow is no guarantee for me. I might not have tomorrow to finish up an unfinished project or do something I've always wanted to do.
Reading your letter has really helped me to see that I'm not the only one seeing changes in myself and others. I do believe however that we have to do what's best for our survival and if that means sitting down with our loved ones and explaining how we feel and what we expect from them, then we will know that we have "laid the cards on the table". Then, I pray, and I pray, and I pray, and I ask God to take this burden from me and help me to see things from my husbands eyes. I ask God to help me trust that all of this happens for a reason. And if God sees that reason and prefers that I not know what it is yet, then I've got to trust Him. I pray that you will find strength in trusting God's purpose for your trials and know that I too am praying for you. Hang on, perservere, and ask God for help. He will be there for you when no one else will. Love ya!!

 

[gijanet]

Barbara..............

Barbara..............

Just my two cents and hard to judge someone else's situation, but I think this is your hubby's way of coping. He is afraid of losing you. I swear, if I hadn't had so many responsibilities with job and travel arrangements (we travel 1500 miles for surgeries) and trying to make care arrangements for my son whom we were leaving behind (for a month as it turned out), I would have been drinking myself! My nerves were shot and I was a wreck - a complete basketcase as some people on here could attest. Also, your undergoing the knife again slaps him in the face with his own mortality and he ain't gettin' any younger. Sometimes, it is just too much reality.

Sit him down and TALK! Tell him you need him to be there for you and in a sober condition. When is your surgery? Can y'all go take a family vacation before then and have some good quality, damn the expense, time together? It will be money well spent.

Sending hugs and please let us know how it goes. Much love. J.

 

[Christian]

I wondered whether my wife was going to die every single day for months before her surgery. I knew the odds of that happening were nearly zero, but I still thought about it. I'm just the type of person who has to mentally prepare himself for the worst. And I couldn't really talk about it with her because I didn't want to freak her out.

There certainly wasn't anything my wife could do for me except get herself fixed. I did turn to alcohol on a few occasions, but I regularly drink 2-3 drinks (wine) every day even when things are great (especially when they're great, in fact). On the rare bad days I'd have 4-5 glasses instead. So it wasn't really a big issue.

In hindsight (it's been about 9 weeks), I'd certainly categorize the whole ordeal as a trauma. It was the worst thing I've gone through in my life. That said, it wasn't unbearable or overwhelming, just really really unsettling. I have no specific suggestions on how to help your husband. Just understand that this is likely a terrible ordeal for him and cut him some slack. I'm guessing that he thought this would all be over with after your first surgery and now he finds himself right back in the same saddle as before. Yuck. Now's not the time for fights. You'll need each other more than ever.

 

[Mb]

What a hand full you have!

I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this surgery again. May He give you strength.

Most people who drink, or do drugs, do it to deaden emotional pain. They do not feel that they can cope with their lives sober. Unfortunately, you are his wife, not his therapist, and you cannot help him.....he has to get his help elsewhere. To me, it sounds like you also are going to have to get your emotional support elsewhere, as he will be unable to be what you need him to be, until he gets well himself. And sitting down and talking to him, telling him what you need or expect him to be, will only hurt the situation. He needs to get well..............and you need to get well. I hope you both can get the help you need at this time. Best wishes.

Marybeth

 

[Barbara Stewart]

Thank you

Thank you

Thanks, y'all. Your responses were all very comforting. My husband and I are not the most social people in the world so it helps to talk to those of you who have had the same experiences as we.
I think that I have also had some personality changes as well. I am more assertive and less likely to give in. I have a cleaning lady once a week and my husband wants me to let her go. He says we can do the work. I flat out refuse. WE can't do the work and I certainly can't give him orders on what to do. BS (before surgery) I would have given in, as I have in the past, but not now.
I believe that adversity can build character, but who wants this much character? I just wanted to grow up and be a shallow twit. No such luck.
Thanks again for the support.

 

[Christina L]

Barbara,

Barbara,

My father was an alcoholic and quit cold turkey when his first grandson was born (he started to drink heavily in male menopause after many years of grieving heavily for his only son who died after being hit by a car at the age of 4). If a person uses alcohol to "medicate" themselves when there are times of hardship, they turn to it even more.

Luckily my husband is a teetotaler and will not touch alcohol. Wayne's way, however, of coping with my situation is "denial" which is what many men do - they compartmentalize and try to fix things.

I know from what my sister has told me, though, is that during my surgery when I was in surgery and in ICU, Wayne cried and was very emotional. He never let me see that side of things.

I can only hope that you and your husband will continue to talk and talk and talk. ALSO, find something FUN to do together (besides of course the obvious) , but a hobby or walking - walking would be wonderful for you both to do - briskly and TALK while doing it.

I agree with the prayer part most definitely. Through my latest crisis I have suddenly figured out that God is the ONLY way - that prayer is powerful and God will take our burdens. I hope that you and your husband will explore this avenue and if you are already, to pray even more!

You will get through this. Life is rough at times that is for sure.

Christina L

 

[Christina L]

Barbara -

Barbara -

As for wishing you could be a "shallow twit" I'm with ya on that one! I feel blessed in a way to be polished into a diamond in preparation for meeting God in eternity, BUT I sure envy those who seem to be so care-free - that is the key word, they "seem" to be care-free.

Christina L

 

[aussigal]

I feel for you...my hubby is his own unique self too...

..............and has chosen to self-medicate with alcohol........

SO ...... add in the OHS I will have one-day
and yep!...
we have 1 big Macho Male in Denial who doesnt want to know anymore about it than he already has been forced to listen to...

Luckily for me my mum is around and very good at "reading" the situation and is always there to pick me up if I falter ... I can come here too and offer a shoulder or whatever...and this helps me also.

It isnt easy but there are so many here on the board that understand the stuff were going thru...it really helps...I also know hubby would NEVER read one of these forums so I feel free to speak openly...though ashamed I picked out a dunce when it comes to emotions .

My hubby reckons I have had similar personality changes and the boys even agree

...and I thought I was good at hiding all the stress I had been under...

best we stay here with the VR.com people who know how tricky this is ...and love up despite our personality change ...

and anyway whats wrong with ASSERTIVENESS!

(((((((((cyber-hugs)))))))))))

ton