Mental Block. Depression. Confusion.

[Ovie]

Hey everyone, it's been quite sometime since I've posted..but I haven't forgot about you! I get on occasionally to look around and read others stories of pre op or post op.

Anyways, I come here today to get opinions on a few things.

I'm just short of a year since surgery, my heart is doing great according to my cardiologist, and I trust that it is..however I can't seem to get past this feeling that I just can't do anything, that I'm very fragile. I work and exercise here and there, but aside from that I live a very sheltered life, which was not me before surgery. I stay away from the places I use to go, the people that I called my friends kind of stepped aside from me after surgery..old friends that come back to our home don't call anymore because I can't participate in what they do ( mid 20's stuff ), which..is kind of OK as I heal and get my life really going again, but it's lead to severe depression. I've never been depressed, I've been down before..but now I can say out loud that I really am depressed. I take meds, I talk to a couple of people and really, nothing seems to be helping, I'm just numb and dead inside..and I don't like it, it's not me...but it's only getting worse. Another thing is I find myself just being slow minded, or confused. Things I've done all my life now seem to feel brand new, like I'm just learning it for the first time, it's really very strange and I have dealt with awful panic attacks most of my life and when this happens it makes those attacks come flying in like a hawk on a mouse. I'm also very over-emotional, I remember about a month after pre op reading in a thread about a guy who never cried in movies, or got emotional very easily since surgery, and I seem to experience that very often throughout the day with everything from a song to a movie trailer or just a general thought I get very overwhelmed with emotion.

So health wise, I seem to be doing fine..I'm looking forward to having a small celebration with family at the end of February for my 1 year..but mentally, I'm really not doing great. I'm talking to someone, I've listened to CDs, read books..nothing seems to get through, and I think it's because my life took a 180 after surgery, so I've lost out on things I've enjoyed in my life to things that I'm not use to, have no interest in or just don't like. I know this is a bit depressing, just coming in and rambling on, but I truly am interested if anyone who's been in my shoes has any advice, or anyone who hasn't who may have some ideas to get past these mental obstacles, I would be absolutely thrilled!

I hate that I'm not here more often to give newcomers insight, I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't be that guy that just went away! So I'm sorry, and i also apologize if I'm posting in the wrong area..story of my life!

Thanks!

 

[OldManEmu]

Ovie
If your cardio says you are doing well and you have no ongoing health issues as a result of surgery (such as a stroke), why can't you participate in activities with your friends??
If you have done well from surgery what has caused the 180 turn after surgery??
Many people say they are emotional after surgery, I have had two surgeries and I must admit if anything I am less emotional as after having faced death twice most day to day issues are like water off a ducks back. If anything I now concern myself more with the big picture issues in life especially those that I can influence directly. As is commonly said I don’t sweat the small stuff.

 

[pellicle]

Hey everyone, it's been quite sometime since I've posted..but I haven't forgot about you! I get on occasionally to look around and read others stories of pre op or post op.

Anyways, I come here today to get opinions on a few things.

..
if anyone who's been in my shoes has any advice, or anyone who hasn't who may have some ideas to get past these mental obstacles, I would be absolutely thrilled!
!

What do you mean took a 180 degree turn? Like you were going down a path whee you would perhaps have died a-nd now you are offered another chance? Sorry, I don't know your history.

Had a few mental obstacles myself, can't say that I'm fully past them yet. My strategy is to just do it.

Plan as if I'll feel normal again one day and just keep doing it.

I liked doing things around the house. Maintenance and renovation. I got back into that as soon as I could.

Like everything its a mental barrier. My friends mother had a similar surgery to me. She fretts about every little thing. She seems unable to grapple with the small changes in her life and so spends time fretting over the changes and the losses.

No one has the nerve to kick her in the butt and say get on with it

PS: if I have left the impression that I am happy with life then that isn't the case. I'm just trying to move on as if one day I'll feel normal again. If that happens I'll need my health to be good.

I find it hard to be eloquent on these sort of forums having no idea about who I am speaking with

 

[Bryan B]

Ovie,

After my first heart surgery I suffered from some depression but got over it after moving back home (grew up in NC but was living in TN at the time). After the 2nd surgery I seemed to be doing OK for about 6 months but then the depression set in. At first it didn't disrupt my life too much, but now after almost 2 years since my surgery it has gotten bad enough that I have sought professional help. I have many of the same feelings that you have. All of my checkups for my aortic valve and aortic root/ascending aorta replacement have come back with great results. But this second surgery really did a number on me mentally. A lot of people who have not experienced depression don't understand how/why we feel this way so it is important to talk to family and friends openly about your feelings to help them understand if possible. I tried to get out of this "funk" over and over on my own but it just isn't that simple for some of us. While there was some comfort from isolating myself from others I was miserable that my life was not what it used to be. I finally reached the point where I sought professional help. It's a work in progress...I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It's fairly common to experience depression after OHS and most people get over it without the need for external help. Apparently I'm not one of those people.

 

[pellicle]

every day there so much I want to say, but there is noone to say it to. Perhaps I shouldn't even want to say it.

Every milestone passed just feels wrong, yet do I want time to stand still?

Not really because then I would be trapped here forever. That I couldn't bear.

My life changed forever on that day in August, yet nothing really happened to me.

People say I need to let go and move on. I don't really know what that means, for I am holding nothing. I will not relinquish the memories, so I must learn how to function as I am (now).

 

[epstns]

Ovie - It is good to hear from you, but certainly these are not the circumstances we would wish for. Many of us have had our battles with post-op depression, and as the others have said, it hits each affected person (not all have it) at different times. I find that I go through "ups and downs" that come and go for seemingly no reason. When I feel at my worst, I try to keep some activity or special event in the short-term future so that I have something to look forward to - something I want or want to do, and something I will not have to wait very long to enjoy. It may be something as simple as dinner with friends, going to a movie, reading a book, adding a fountain pen to my collection. I hope you get the picture. It might be something that seems totally ordinary to the rest of the world, but it means the world to me.

Another thing I have found is that my meds seem to have direct or indirect impact on my moods. Over the past two years, we (my cardio and I) have reduced my beta blocker dosage twice. After each reduction, I have felt better and more like the self that I knew pre-surgery. It may be worth discussing your meds with your cardio to see whether any of them have known side effects that could affect your moods. If so, it might be as simple as switching to another drug in the same family to get the desired effect with lesser or no side effects.

Whatever happens, know that you are always welcome here. No matter how good or bad you feel, we will always be here to help as much as we can. If you need to reach me personally/privately, shoot me a PM and I will supply you with a phone number where I can be reached.

Hang in there, Ovie. I look back now and see that at 1 year I was medically healed, but not really back to leading a full life. Now at nearly 2 years, I feel far better. Maybe you are in the same boat. . .

 

[katm]

Ovie, so sorry for your difficult time. I think Pellicle said it beautifully, really sums up how I am feeling at times since my surgery. Its been three weeks today since I had my replacement. I know exactly how you are feeling, I am afraid to get back to my routine in fear that "something" will happen. I feel that physically right now I am healing quickly but I see the mental aspect a bit more challenging down the road. My biggest fear, once all this began, was that nothing was ever going to be the same in my life. And its not, but our lives are filled with experiences that alter and change who we are almost daily. I am not a big advocate for mind drugs but I do see the value of them from time to time. My mom had a major major operation a couple of years ago and she temporarily went on a antidepressant drug which helped her climb out of her hole enough that she was able then help herself. She is off any drugs now and doing fine. Sometimes you need a little help to recharge the mental battery. Talk to your doc about it.

Take care, Kathy

 

[Greg a]

Hey everyone, it's been quite sometime since I've posted..but I haven't forgot about you! I get on occasionally to look around and read others stories of pre op or post op.

Anyways, I come here today to get opinions on a few things.

I'm just short of a year since surgery, my heart is doing great according to my cardiologist, and I trust that it is..however I can't seem to get past this feeling that I just can't do anything, that I'm very fragile. I work and exercise here and there, but aside from that I live a very sheltered life, which was not me before surgery. I stay away from the places I use to go, the people that I called my friends kind of stepped aside from me after surgery..old friends that come back to our home don't call anymore because I can't participate in what they do ( mid 20's stuff ), which..is kind of OK as I heal and get my life really going again, but it's lead to severe depression. I've never been depressed, I've been down before..but now I can say out loud that I really am depressed. I take meds, I talk to a couple of people and really, nothing seems to be helping, I'm just numb and dead inside..and I don't like it, it's not me...but it's only getting worse. Another thing is I find myself just being slow minded, or confused. Things I've done all my life now seem to feel brand new, like I'm just learning it for the first time, it's really very strange and I have dealt with awful panic attacks most of my life and when this happens it makes those attacks come flying in like a hawk on a mouse. I'm also very over-emotional, I remember about a month after pre op reading in a thread about a guy who never cried in movies, or got emotional very easily since surgery, and I seem to experience that very often throughout the day with everything from a song to a movie trailer or just a general thought I get very overwhelmed with emotion.

So health wise, I seem to be doing fine..I'm looking forward to having a small celebration with family at the end of February for my 1 year..but mentally, I'm really not doing great. I'm talking to someone, I've listened to CDs, read books..nothing seems to get through, and I think it's because my life took a 180 after surgery, so I've lost out on things I've enjoyed in my life to things that I'm not use to, have no interest in or just don't like. I know this is a bit depressing, just coming in and rambling on, but I truly am interested if anyone who's been in my shoes has any advice, or anyone who hasn't who may have some ideas to get past these mental obstacles, I would be absolutely thrilled!

I hate that I'm not here more often to give newcomers insight, I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't be that guy that just went away! So I'm sorry, and i also apologize if I'm posting in the wrong area..story of my life!

Thanks!

It strikes me that what you may be going through is simply a new stage of your life. You had to face something at an age when your peerss were starting a new life with spouses, in-laws and children all new in their world as you said almost a year ago http://www.valvereplacement.org/for...-Dangers-of-alcohol-on-BT&p=517728#post517728

............................and my tendencies to not be real wild. My party days are behind me, which helps the situations I put myself in.

Your life was changing then and is still evolving now remember your favorite toy you grew up with, it probably never visits either .....you have a LOT of life to look forward to so focus ahead and enjoy the evolution........I don't do mid 50's or mid 40's stuff now and then I did not do mid 30's stuff and dang NONE of us could do mid 20's stuff today, in fact that would be quite boring if we didn't have new challenges to keep it interesting......my feeling is that you are simply writing a new chapter in "THE STORY OF MY LIFE"

............................and my tendencies to not be real wild. My party days are behind me, which helps the situations I put myself in.

 

[AgilityDog]

I think Greg has a point. You've had a health crisis at a younger age than most people ever do. That tends to mature one.
OHS and other health issues like it frequently result in depression. Meds and talk therapy can help. Reach out to Mended Hearts if there is a Heart Association chapter near you. Talking to other people who have been through it can help. Or talk to a therapist. Your friends won't "get it" because they have not been there, done that, or anything like it. It's not a failing, just a life stage.

Yes, I think most of us feel fragile for a time, and some of us longer than others. That first year is the hardest, but it gets better as you do more.
Since I knew I had another surgery after the first (I had 2 surgeries 4 years apart and a surprise arrythmia issue in between), it took me several years to get to where I feel "fixed." So I know what you mean about feeling "stuck." Now I mostly forget about it. My meds and INR tests are part of my daily routine. I'm as active as I want to be (with a few limitations that are specific to my personal condition).

If you have not taken a cardiac rehab program, enroll in one. You'll be challenged and will find you can do more than you thought you could.

 

[Pat J]

Clearly your meds for depression need to be changed or dosage adjusted. Not all anti depression meds work the same for people. You might also try to do some volunteer work if you can motivate yourself enough. Hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[katm]

oops sorry Ovie didnt realize you were already on meds. I agree with Pat that you need to call whomever prescribes for you, it may be an adjustment is needed.
Good luck to you

 

[valveanddissection]

Mental Block Depression

Mental Block Depression

2 and one half year prior I had an acending and decending aortic dissection. During the surgery my AV was replaced with a St Jude. two weeks before my AD and VR, I had an annual physical and received my as usual clean bill of health: (120/80 @ 65 BPM).

Two weeks later my life changed in an instant. No warning signs, no hints, simply a feeling of a sledgehammer and dull knife ripping me inside out. Going into surgery, 4 hours after the AD, my doctor sent an all points bulletin to my family across the country. I was given a 5% chance to make it through surgery. Going into surgery I had absolutley Zero feeling in my right leg and the Dr was not certain that my leg would make it out of surgey with me, if I did.

I was 12 hours in the OR. My leg came with me. Among the first things I recall being said to me after waking was my brother asking my middle name and my kids birthdays. I was on the Heart Pump for "too long", but given the alternative that was the decision made. The Dr was not certain if permanent brian damage would be induced by the extended stay on the Pump.

Recovery was wonderful because I was alive, but most sucked. It took me a year before I had physical and mental confidence to take long walks alone. The first year and one half DEPRESSION was darn near debilitating. At about the 9 month mark I told my Dr of the depression and he sat down, looked straight into my eyes and said: after what you had been through, you should be depressed".

I take meds: wellbutrin for the depression and it helps, but is no fix. I try each day to Live Life. I went Code Blue twice during my surgery and receovery, in addition to the simple miracle that I made it through surgery, and I am flat out Blessed to be alive. My life has changed. My outlok has changed. I certainly do not know if my outlook prior to AD and VR was better or Right; I do know that my outlok today feels quite real......but it is not easy.

I suggest too, not to confuse acquitences with friends. Friends are there always and if anyone believes that they have more than 5, check again. Acquatenances call, friends are There. Get Well....Live Life

 

[pellicle]

Excuse me, but what is AD or VR?

Particularly agree with your last paragraph

not to confuse acquitences with friends. Friends are there always and if anyone believes that they have more than 5, check again. Acquatenances call, friends are There. Get Well....Live Life

 

[pellicle]

Ovi

How old are you? The answer to that question makes understanding your question easier

 

[valveanddissection]

Sorry: AD Aortic Dissection VR Valve Replacement

 

[Ovie]

Thank you everyone, I have read each one of your comments and have taken something out of all of them. A big part that's killing me is that I'm no longer able to play Hockey, I beg my cardiologist but he just says its too dangerous. Hockey has been 90% of my life and I'm told I can't do it anymore is a huge blow. I'm told I can coach, but that's not what I want..it's just not the same. I think at some point I may just go for it, if something was to happen at least I'd go out doing what I love. Another issue is my social scene..or lack there of. As Greg noted I have been pretty wild all the way till about a month up to my surgery. It was something that I was getting tired of so didn't find it it a big deal to stop, however my friends, that I've known all my life are still into that, and so I've become kind of a hermit as I don't want to get caught up in that life style again, but since I remain out of it..some of my best friends will come to town for holidays and I don't hear from them because they're out doing the bar thing. The city I live in isn't huge, and basically once the weekend hits the 21+ crowd hits the strip and gets drunk. We don't have anything else to do here. So I think the absence of friends is painful, I'm looking to pick up hobbies, I think that would help. But as mentioned, despite the depression I continue to go forward in hopes things get better.

Also despite maybe 2 meds I'm on all the same meds I've been on since like early 2000, I'm off the beta blockers, that was a HUGE difference, wow..don't think I've ever noticed such a change after being taken off something.

To pellicle, I'm 26, I was 25 when I had my surgery. Have yet to find anyone in my age range that has had OHS. Well get to know someone my age who has experienced the same thing..nothing where I live, can't find much online.

 

[Ovie]

Also good to see some familiar faces (usernames) that were such a huge part of my success in getting through my operation, I'm so glad this site is here for those waiting to go through surgery. Words can't express what this site and the regulars did to help me

 

[pellicle]

Hi

To pellicle, I'm 26, I was 25 when I had my surgery.

ok, that makes a difference to what I was thinking

Have yet to find anyone in my age range that has had OHS. Well get to know someone my age who has experienced the same thing..nothing where I live, can't find much online.

well, noone experiences the same thing. I had OHS at 28, but it wasn't such a big change for me as I wasn't such a party kid and having been diagnosed at a much earlier age (like 5) was not 'out of the blue'

the surgery was a bit life changing even for me.

As a result of being diagnosed early I had a life where I was not in sports and became more inclined to think. That is not to say I wasn't into dirt bikes (and then road bikes) hiking and other things, but just less ... crowd stuff.

I found most were empty headed where I lived (The Gold Coast, its sorta like Las Vegas and Florida distilled to a tourist sludge)

I learned that the Indians (the sub continent, not your natives) believe that life is in stages.

When you are a child you should be a child
When you are a teen ager, you should do what teen agers do
When you are an Adult you should take on those repsonsibilities
When you are a grandparent you should accept that maturity.

and so on.

I think this cartoon sumarises it

Personally I have tried to live both with younger people (to keep my attitudes and understanding flexible) but also tried to develop and mature (in line with the above principles).

Sometimes there are events which force things upon you, such as my sister in-law getting pregnant and having a baby when she wasn't married or wanting to be 'mature'.

When we are kids our parents tell us what to do. When we are teen agers our peers tell us what to do. As we get older it is the circumstances of life that tell us what to do.

I guess that you're circumstance has just divvied up a lesson on time for you, perhaps faster than you expected. Life has a way of doing that.

I guess also that living in a small town you have limited avenues for alternative friends. I came from a small town too. Since then I've lived in Japan, South Korea, India and Finland. I speak some Japanese (less than I once did), Korean and Finnish. I learned all of these languages after my 30th birthday.

Leaving Australia (after my surgery) and travelling / working was really the start of a new life for me.

As to my source of depression, well some here have heard me mention that my wife passed away. She had a brain tumor which noone knew of. She was there for me in my most recent surgery in Nov 2011 where I have a mechanical valve implated (back in my 20's I got a homograph).

That she has died is something which shook my world far far more than the loss of my tissue valve and a segment of my aortic artery.

To this day I stumble along and don't know why I am alive. Some blog posts of mine:

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/i-wish-i-was-dead-but-im-not.html
and soon after this ...
http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/another-surgery.html
some post surgical complications (which I am still working through) led me to:
http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/difficult-subjects.html

but now I sort of feel:
http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/perhaps-not-everything.html

perhaps there is something for you in all that.

I hope so

 

[pellicle]

Oh
and

A big part that's killing me is that I'm no longer able to play Hockey, I beg my cardiologist but he just says its too dangerous. Hockey has been 90% of my life and I'm told I can't do it anymore is a huge blow.

wait a year or so and then go for it. I had a fellow ward mate who was doing Aikido again a year after her surgery. She was a black belt.

Doctors are to be listened to, they offer advice. They aren't your mum and they aren't go. You have to live your life. Life is full of risks.

Take the risks carefully, but take them all the same

I did.

Lastly if you had told me at 27 I would do what I did between then and now I'd have thought you were on drugs. I hated language study!

 

[escargome]

Ovie,
After reading your post, I thought about you and what you had been through up to this point. I can't tell you what to do, but here is a suggestion or two. I know that hockey is a very big contact sport, but once something is in your blood (no pun intended) you can't just stop doing it. So is there a different cardiologist who may specialize in sports minded patients that you can see? I hope so. Cause giving up something that makes you happy in your heart is hard to do (for me it is driving a race car on an asphalt track with lots of other insane drivers)
Next, your friends (aquaintences). Can you go out on the strip with them but not drink? You can still hang out but you don't have to get hammered. You could be the designated driver? Or possibly you can find other like minded individuals how don't necessarily need to be blitzed to have a good time. Just suggestions from this old lady. I hope that things work out for you. Try not to get down in that pit of dispair too deep. We are here with a ladder if you need it.